Husband is being critical and negative

[DandelionSun]

Hey all! I'm a newlywed of 2 months & just want some advice (I'm 24, he's 27)...lately, my husband has been very critical of me and blames me for everything that could possibly go wrong. He used to be this way every once in awhile, but now that he is under stress from his new job it is happening ALL THE TIME and it really hurts my feelings. Here is what he has done: Any advice?

 

Blamed me for wanting ice cream and at McDonald’s because there were annoying people behind us playing loud music. Said it wouldn’t have happened if we went where he wanted to go. He went on and on about it. **how irrational is this? I cannot control other people. I did not plan on these teenagers being there or being rowdy.**

 

He talked down to me and yelled at me for putting cardboard in the recycling bin. When I fired back, he blamed me for being rude to him. Then, when I started crying he walked away and got on his laptop. He never apologized.

 

Puts me down: ex. He told me to clean out the garage so he can put his car in there. I suggested that we should do it together, as a team especially considering most of the stuff is his and I don't know what he wants to do with any of it. He said you don’t do the weed killer in the yard and I said you never asked or I would've helped. I didn't know you were even spraying it because I was in the office. He said okay you can do it tomorrow…then he said you aren’t going to do it, just watch and see. (I would've done it. But now that he's being an ass, I don't want to. Doesn't he see how he pushes me away??)

 

4.) When I tripped over his laptop chord in the middle of the living room, he said "I knew you were going to do that. And quit stepping on it!!!" ( I would've rather he said sorry honey I shouldn't have had that IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR where everyone walks, or at least said are you okay honey?)

 

5.) On the news, a little boy was talking about heaven is for real. Then, it mentioned book is for sale and he popped off that that is why he “doesn’t believe in that sh*t”. Even though he tells me he loves Jesus.

Edited February 26, 2012 by DandelionSun

[bentnotbroken]

You are being emotionally abused. It won't get better until you stand up for what you will tolerate. I'm not saying leave him...but it is time to put a stop to this cycle unless you plan on it getting more vicious and painful. He needs help in learning to communicate in a constructive manner and not using put downs as a way to feed his fragile ego. Get help now!

[Lauriebell82]

My husband was like this for awhile (not QUITE as bad as your's though). He was more "nitpicky" about things and lashed out when he was anxious. Sounds like that is what is happening with your husband, as none of the examples you mentioned sound like that big of a deal. I'm not trying to excuse his behavior or downplay it, fortunately it can be worked out IF he wants to change. The key being "if."

 

What helped with my husband is that he started an MBA program which has consisted of tons of communications classes. He learned all of these techniques that have definatley changed his attitude. He still gets moody and anxious sometimes but he deals with it in a calm and rational manner without making me feel bad.

 

My advice would be to talk to him and communicate how TOGETHER you can work on this. Ask him what you can do to help him. I would also suggest a few books, they are called "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and also "How to Win Friends and Influence People." My husband read them and so did I. They helped our marriage so much!

[PinkInTheLimo]

My advice would be to talk to him and communicate how TOGETHER you can work on this.

 

LB, I think you are in a problematic relationship (ex. the crazy sexual hang-ups of your H) yourself and therefore your advice is that other women lower their standards like you lowered yours.

 

I can for the life of me not see how this can be solved TOGETHER. She has done nothing but trying to communicate to him and all he does is be mean to her. Mind you, they just got married. Stress at work is not an excuse, what will happen if they have a baby and there is stress?

 

He is being verbally abusive and this will only get worse. She has to show him that she is not going to accept this. So the best thing she can do is leave him and file for divorce. That is the only thing that will show him that she will not put up with this behaviour. She can afterwards maybe give him a second chance but only if he is willing to go in therapy for this.

 

Women accept way too much bad behaviour from men in the name of love, and it is only when women systematically will refuse to accept it, that men will be forced to change.

Edited February 27, 2012 by PinkInTheLimo

[shayla]

This treatment needs to be nipped in the bud now, before you end up with a bunch of children and there's alot more invested.

 

Let him know that you will not put up with being treated like that. Let him know that there are consequences if he continues, and back it up, because he will push it until you push back.

 

People are taught how to treat us. If you don't teach this lesson now, you will be sitting back ten years from now with zero self esteem left wondering how you got there.

[oldguy]

Ya'll need to nip this in the bud. Get some help for the 2 of you. If he won't go go by yourself. Don't make his venting on you an acceptable practice for him or it will become a habit. I hope your not planning a family anytime soon as you need to resolve this BS.

[denise_xo]

You are being emotionally abused. It won't get better until you stand up for what you will tolerate. I'm not saying leave him...but it is time to put a stop to this cycle unless you plan on it getting more vicious and painful. He needs help in learning to communicate in a constructive manner and not using put downs as a way to feed his fragile ego. Get help now!

 

This. I'm not sure about point 5, but everything else is classical emotional abuse in my book.

[Lauriebell82]

LB, I think you are in a problematic relationship (ex. the crazy sexual hang-ups of your H) yourself and therefore your advice is that other women lower their standards like you lowered yours.

 

I can for the life of me not see how this can be solved TOGETHER. She has done nothing but trying to communicate to him and all he does is be mean to her. Mind you, they just got married. Stress at work is not an excuse, what will happen if they have a baby and there is stress?

 

He is being verbally abusive and this will only get worse. She has to show him that she is not going to accept this. So the best thing she can do is leave him and file for divorce. That is the only thing that will show him that she will not put up with this behaviour. She can afterwards maybe give him a second chance but only if he is willing to go in therapy for this.

 

Women accept way too much bad behaviour from men in the name of love, and it is only when women systematically will refuse to accept it, that men will be forced to change.

 

WHAT?!! Leave him after two months!!!! That's nuts. And this is not about me it's about her. I know your opinion about my husband, and I don't care.

Yes, her husband is not treating her very nicely right now, she actually didn't SAY anything about trying to communicate her feelings to him and him refusing to work on it, so that we don't know.

 

But filing for divorce after two months is a bit hasty..no wonder the divorce is so high! I'm not saying she should condone OR accept his behavior, she needs to talk to him and he needs to change. Now if he's NOT willing to work on their relationship, then there is a problem.

 

Seriously, NOBODY is perfect, everyone has their issues. This goes beyond that though, and I would also characterize this as emotional abuse and it needs to change.

Edited February 27, 2012 by Lauriebell82

[PinkInTheLimo]

WHAT?!! Leave him after two months!!!! That's nuts. And this is not about me it's about her. I know your opinion about my husband, and I don't care.

Yes, her husband is not treating her very nicely right now, she actually didn't SAY anything about trying to communicate her feelings to him and him refusing to work on it, so that we don't know.

 

But filing for divorce after two months is a bit hasty..no wonder the divorce is so high! I'm not saying she should condone OR accept his behavior, she needs to talk to him and he needs to change. Now if he's NOT willing to work on their relationship, then there is a problem.

 

Seriously, NOBODY is perfect, everyone has their issues. This goes beyond that though, and I would also characterize this as emotional abuse and it needs to change.

 

He is an ABUSER so never mind she's only been married for two months. This is not about everyone having issues! There are some issues noone should put up with: abuse, addiction, infidelity.

Also, you are saying that everyone has issues because you try to justify for yourself that your H has sexual hang-ups. Do you dare to think about how life would be with a H who actually enjoys sex freely? I don't think so because the contrast with your current situation would be unbearable...

 

Why the hell should one only have the right to divorce after having endured bad behaviour for a longer time? In order to change the divorce statistics. I am happy that a lot of people divorce because I think that a lot of people are in unhappy marriages and could find a better partner than the one they initially married.

[Lauriebell82]

He is an ABUSER so never mind she's only been married for two months. This is not about everyone having issues! There are some issues noone should put up with: abuse, addiction, infidelity.

Also, you are saying that everyone has issues because you try to justify for yourself that your H has sexual hang-ups. Do you dare to think about how life would be with a H who actually enjoys sex freely? I don't think so because the contrast with your current situation would be unbearable...

 

Why the hell should one only have the right to divorce after having endured bad behaviour for a longer time? In order to change the divorce statistics. I am happy that a lot of people divorce because I think that a lot of people are in unhappy marriages and could find a better partner than the one they initially married.

 

Are you married? Or have you ever been married? It seems that you are quick to advise people on most threads to get divorced when they post about their issues. I agree that nobody should stand for being treated poorly, however getting married would just be a big lie and pretty much pointless if people divorced automatically over issues-even big ones-WITHOUT trying to come up with solutions or work through problems. If their partner is NOT willing to compromise or communicate to work through the problems, then the next option may have to be seperation/divorce. I think it's about a person's ability to change. Should a spouse automatically leave someone if their partner is an alcoholic, but willing to go to rehab and get better? I don't think so.

 

It's evident that you some of your own issues with relationships, would you want someone to divorce you automatically because they feel they can do better then you?

 

Nobody is perfect, everyone has faults or undesirable things about them, including you. It just seems that you are awfully judgemental of posters who talk about their relationship problems on this site. You might want to examine that.

Edited February 28, 2012 by Lauriebell82

[PinkInTheLimo]

Are you married? Or have you ever been married? It seems that you are quick to advise people on most threads to get divorced when they post about their issues. I agree that nobody should stand for being treated poorly, however getting married would just be a big lie and pretty much pointless if people divorced automatically over issues-even big ones-WITHOUT trying to come up with solutions or work through problems. If their partner is NOT willing to compromise or communicate to work through the problems, then the next option may have to be seperation/divorce. I think it's about a person's ability to change. Should a spouse automatically leave someone if their partner is an alcoholic, but willing to go to rehab and get better? I don't think so.

 

It's evident that you some of your own issues with relationships, would you want someone to divorce you automatically because they feel they can do better then you?

 

Nobody is perfect, everyone has faults or undesirable things about them, including you. It just seems that you are awfully judgemental of posters who talk about their relationship problems on this site. You might want to examine that.

 

I am not married and I never was married. That does not disqualify my opinion on marriage. I take it seriously. I have high standards for myself and others and I happen to meet quite a few of these standards. And yes I am judgemental. If it is not OK, I will say out loud that it is not OK!

 

I have been in a couple of longterm relationships and have deeply loved the men I was with. With time I found however out that they were not a good match for me.

I could have married:

- an alcoholic: the guy drank for 30 years, is sober for a couple of years now but the booze has destroyed his health and he does not have a dime, plus his only child does not want to talk to him any more.

What a catch, yeah, I really missed out on something great there. Especially since at 50 he still thinks he can find a young babe...

- an eternal procrastinator: a guy who could not make choices, not even about which restaurant we would go to

- a verbal abuser and rage addict: it was his way or the highway, I did not want to live with that drill sergeant

- a liar and a cheater: charming guy but he will always need a secret garden next to his principal relationship

 

I am very happy that I did not marry one of these guys because they would have made me very unhappy.

And no, I don't attract bad guys anymore than other women do. These guys were nice when I first met them...

It's difficult to find a good men because there are not a lot of them and I guess a considerable percentage of the good men are married...

 

Yes, you might try to help your spouse solve his addiction but why marry him/her in the first place when he/she has an addiction. I think people should deal with their issues BEFORE they marry. If they haven't, the people who marry them have issues as well (low selfesteem, codependency, wanting to "save" the spouse).

 

As far as abuse is concerned, YOU CANNOT SOLVE ABUSE TOGETHER!!! The abuse is a personality disorder of the abuser. It's not the fault of the victim. I know that from my own experience with that abuser boyfriend (I did not marry him because I was smart enough to see the abuse for what it was BEFORE we got married) and from having seen this behaviour that this indicates a huge personality problem which can only be solved if the abuser acknowledges that his/her behaviour is wrong. They rarely do, they'd rather pick another victim.

 

You don't help people by giving excuses for their bad behaviour, they have to clean up their act themselves.

[Lauriebell82]

I am not married and I never was married. That does not disqualify my opinion on marriage. I take it seriously. I have high standards for myself and others and I happen to meet quite a few of these standards. And yes I am judgemental. If it is not OK, I will say out loud that it is not OK!

 

I have been in a couple of longterm relationships and have deeply loved the men I was with. With time I found however out that they were not a good match for me.

I could have married:

- an alcoholic: the guy drank for 30 years, is sober for a couple of years now but the booze has destroyed his health and he does not have a dime, plus his only child does not want to talk to him any more.

What a catch, yeah, I really missed out on something great there. Especially since at 50 he still thinks he can find a young babe...

- an eternal procrastinator: a guy who could not make choices, not even about which restaurant we would go to

- a verbal abuser and rage addict: it was his way or the highway, I did not want to live with that drill sergeant

- a liar and a cheater: charming guy but he will always need a secret garden next to his principal relationship

 

I am very happy that I did not marry one of these guys because they would have made me very unhappy.

And no, I don't attract bad guys anymore than other women do. These guys were nice when I first met them...

It's difficult to find a good men because there are not a lot of them and I guess a considerable percentage of the good men are married...

 

Yes, you might try to help your spouse solve his addiction but why marry him/her in the first place when he/she has an addiction. I think people should deal with their issues BEFORE they marry. If they haven't, the people who marry them have issues as well (low selfesteem, codependency, wanting to "save" the spouse).

 

As far as abuse is concerned, YOU CANNOT SOLVE ABUSE TOGETHER!!! The abuse is a personality disorder of the abuser. It's not the fault of the victim. I know that from my own experience with that abuser boyfriend (I did not marry him because I was smart enough to see the abuse for what it was BEFORE we got married) and from having seen this behaviour that this indicates a huge personality problem which can only be solved if the abuser acknowledges that his/her behaviour is wrong. They rarely do, they'd rather pick another victim.

 

You don't help people by giving excuses for their bad behaviour, they have to clean up their act themselves.

 

Good post, I agree with all points.

[MissBee]

WHAT?!! Leave him after two months!!!! That's nuts. And this is not about me it's about her. I know your opinion about my husband, and I don't care.

Yes, her husband is not treating her very nicely right now, she actually didn't SAY anything about trying to communicate her feelings to him and him refusing to work on it, so that we don't know.

 

But filing for divorce after two months is a bit hasty..no wonder the divorce is so high! I'm not saying she should condone OR accept his behavior, she needs to talk to him and he needs to change. Now if he's NOT willing to work on their relationship, then there is a problem.

 

Seriously, NOBODY is perfect, everyone has their issues. This goes beyond that though, and I would also characterize this as emotional abuse and it needs to change.

 

My initial response in my mind to her was....how long did you know each other BEFORE you got married As people hardly change overnight...rarely does that happen.

 

I think the divorce rate is so high because people often marry hastily and with little to no knowledge of themselves or the other person and have poor relationship skills and no support from people outside themselves who love and care about them who can offer advice and support.

 

If it was a hasty marriage, it is better off to end it now after 2 months, than endure it for all eternity, if it was never meant to be. I am not saying she should divorce btw, I am just saying that depending on how and why one got married....one may need to reconsider it. It's one thing to work on a good marriage that has gone awry than to try to work on a marriage that was never meant to be or if after 2 months you're already being emotionally abused....

[MissBee]

 

Yes, you might try to help your spouse solve his addiction but why marry him/her in the first place when he/she has an addiction. I think people should deal with their issues BEFORE they marry. If they haven't, the people who marry them have issues as well (low selfesteem, codependency, wanting to "save" the spouse).

 

As far as abuse is concerned, YOU CANNOT SOLVE ABUSE TOGETHER!!! The abuse is a personality disorder of the abuser. It's not the fault of the victim. I know that from my own experience with that abuser boyfriend (I did not marry him because I was smart enough to see the abuse for what it was BEFORE we got married) and from having seen this behaviour that this indicates a huge personality problem which can only be solved if the abuser acknowledges that his/her behaviour is wrong. They rarely do, they'd rather pick another victim.

 

You don't help people by giving excuses for their bad behaviour, they have to clean up their act themselves.

 

I definitely agree.

 

I think the way to improve divorce rates, is for people to know themselves and their standards and know their partner and even go to couple's counseling to get tools for their relationship BEFORE saying "I do". With that you may find the irreconcilable differences before you are in the marriage or find tools to deal with those issues that can be improved. Too many say "I do" in the throes of romance and then wake up to realize that this person is not good spouse material or they and the person have issues that won't allow them to have a good marriage.....

 

Marriage does not cure a poor relationship....in fact, it just makes it worse. I also am against very young people marrying....as you grow and change so much that it seems more likely that you will get into a situation you did not bargain for. I think with something like marriage...prevention is better than cure i.e. working on yourself and working out your relationship issues through pre-marital counseling before you tie the knot than try to solve your problems after the fact. All relationships will have issues that arise, but too many marriages have issues that were built-in from jump that the people either ignored or did not realize because they were caught up in romance and then get upset when surprise, those big issues still exist and now that the honeymoon is over, after 2 months or 2 years, it's not as cute and is unbearable.

Edited February 29, 2012 by MissBee

[2sunny]

YOU can't Make him change.

 

You CAN change you - your actions - your expectations.

 

IF he isn't decent, living, kind and respectful AFTER you draw a clear and HEALTHY boundary - leave him.

 

He shouldn't be ALLOWED (by you) to make YOU feel bad so he can feel better. THAT is abuse.

[Stillgrowing]

I could have written it 22 years ago. If I could give any advice to myself back then it would have been: RUN! Before you have kids and a mortgage and pets and are all tied in to inlaws. my children are the only blessing from this marriage. I thought it would get better, I excused behavior, it got worse. Look into narcissistic personality disorders and if you want to stay get counseling for you early. I'm in alanon now and it's giving me the tools I need. My saving grace is I can be a total bi$ch but I do back down to my dh a ton bc you can't argue with crazy.

[dreamingoftigers]

Holy ****!

 

Are people ever jumping the gun on this one.

 

On this site, we have often encouraged people to heal from years long adultery and many times they are able to put it back together.

 

The guy's attitude absolutely stinks, no doubt.

 

I've dealt with tons of people like this too.

 

One book I would suggest is: Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin.

 

And Gottman's 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work

 

Since ending or staying in a Marrisge is a VERY PERSONAL DECISION, I won't tell you to pack up or stay.

 

In my city here, there is a 14 week course through one of the local shelters that is free to go to on dealing with communication issues and emotions etc. That course has been invaluable to my husband and changed the way he communicates with me entirely.

 

I would be surprised if there was nothing like that in your area.

They offer it here for women as well. Usually both people can work on it.

 

You may not be able to "change the abuser" but your reactions to him may very well alter his behavior in regards to you.

 

I saw another couple like this split last year and the guy has now dealt with (best guess) 50% of his issues because he didn't know how badly it was affecting his family.

[twistluv]

I dun believe that the husband is actually abusive all the time. Other wise she wouldnt have married him. it was probably change of feelings, stress from work that cause such changes in him, impatient and being so rude and quick to blame her.

 

Before simpply assuming that he is abusive and ending the marriage. At least work things out and talk to each other. It doesnt help to simply break it off and just end it. That is more like escaping.

 

People change over time, or he may simply take her for granted n pushes everything onto her. but that is not cause to simply end a marriage. Never give up without trying, u dun wan to look back and think, if u had tried harder would things have been different? give all ur best and unless he REALLY doesnt change and continues to abuse, THAN u can get a divorce.

 

you nid to find ways to talk to ur husband, everytime he shout, express out your feelings, and ask him back quietly, was it really ur fault? look into his eyes and let him feel guilt. try not to get into senseless argument with him. be nice to him give it all ur best to make him feel better (since u mention he was under alot of stress) but if he return what u do by being mean to u again, than question him quietly what exactly have u done wrong to cause all this or probably he doesnt love u anymore. if thats the case than holding on to some1 who have change and doesnt love u anymore will be pointless.

[Els]

Point blank, I do not find myself inclined to jump onto the 'Abuse!' bandwagon simply based on the information given in the OP. Abuse is an incredibly serious term, and true victims of abuse don't deserve to have their plight taken lightly just because people now cry 'abuse' at ANY form of bad behaviour that they hear or see about. I'm not advocating his behaviour - he sounds like an incredibly immature, poorly-communicative, argumentative and callous man IMO. But I wouldn't call him abusive. Several people whom I know act this way towards their siblings and friends, and last I checked, it wasn't considered 'abuse'. The mere fact that a man is doing it to a woman in a relationship does not make it so.

 

Also, I find it deeply sad that some posters immediately accuse other posters who give non-divorce-related advice of having 'low standards' and 'staying in problematic relationships'. It's perfectly fine that YOU would leave a marriage immediately when faced with this behaviour. That does not make you any better or more secure or wiser than people who choose to stay and work on it. Having 'high standards' for a partner and ejecting anyone who fails them without a second thought, is not necessarily the key to happiness.

 

OP, have you tried sitting him down and talking to him about how off-putting you find this behaviour and how unhappy you are in the marriage - not immediately during such situations, when feelings have already escalated, but during a separate time, in a neutral manner? What did he say, if you did? Was he like this before you got married?

Edited March 9, 2012 by Elswyth