Trying, trying, trying, but....

[BewitchedandBothered]

I thought I was doing well until I saw a picture of my ex with his new g/f on a friend's site. I thought I was doing well, but it physically stings--It's hard to describe, but hoping you get what I mean. It shot up my left arm and now I want to cry.

 

The pic was taken last week at a concert/show a friend was doing. Makes me feel sad, most especially because he hid me from the world and he introduced this one to his family and friends.

 

Maybe this abuser did find the one. Where is the freaking justice? Need to dry my tears. Not feeling very good. I feel rather sick.

[CopingGal]

HI. I'm so sorry you are going thru that. My ex hid me from the world too. In three years, I met his young son once, but when he started dating that thing he cheated on me with, he let them get to know each other, and all three of them went away together after they only knew each other for a few months. He told me that we spent such little time together, that he wanted to keep me all to himself. When his friend threw a superbowl party and he did not invite me, that was the last straw...that is another reason why I was so angry by the time we got back into therapy. Plus, again, he lied...this time about why he didn't take me to the Super Bowl party. There were multiple lies about why he didn't take me to the Super Bowl party.

 

Maybe you should tell your friend you don't want to hear any information about him. Take care of yourself.

 

Next time- no excuses. If my bf doesn't open up his life to me, I will leave.

[BewitchedandBothered]

This is why maybe i am to blame for the verbal abuse; he just didn't think I was worthy to introduce/show off to people. He, too, wanted to keep me to himself, Copingal, just like in your situation. I am more confused than ever now.

[CopingGal]

When I told my therapist that my ex didn't think I was worth it, she told me not to think that way. She told me don't attach any kind of value to what he did to me. She told me to just look at it like "he did it and that's it."

 

We may never know why our ex's kept us hidden. But I do know it was a gesture of control...being secretive...being dishonest. I try not to dwell on that part because it just depresses me.

 

I'm just glad I'm out of the dark. He is a very cunning person who just does all kind of ridiculous things to disrespect people. Whatever the case may be, why he did it...he can just go to Hell now.

[fallenenvy]

This is why maybe i am to blame for the verbal abuse; he just didn't think I was worthy to introduce/show off to people. He, too, wanted to keep me to himself, Copingal, just like in your situation. I am more confused than ever now.

 

 

You're never to blame and i think you actually already do know that. You can't analyze what he did...and trying again and again is only going to keep hurting. Looking at him and pictures of him and his unfortunate new woman isn't going to help you. If anything be happy you are free of this bastard....

 

Also, i've said it before and i'll say it again.. i seriously doubt his life with this woman is all peaches and cream.. people like this never change and she, like everyone else hes dated, will see his true ugly colors eventually (if she hasn't already gotten a taste).

[freestyle]

This is why maybe i am to blame for the verbal abuse; he just didn't think I was worthy to introduce/show off to people. He, too, wanted to keep me to himself, Copingal, just like in your situation. I am more confused than ever now.

 

 

No one is EVER to blame for verbal abuse.

That's all on the person being abusive.

 

Please don't judge your self-worth based on his opinion, or actions towards you.

 

It's like looking at yourself through HIS eyes---instead of your own.

Who should decide your value? You, or a romantic partner?

 

 

From what I've read & experienced in the past--partners who don't introduce their love interest to their friends & family are often hiding something---(usually another relationship on the side) So they compartmentalize to the Nth degree.---It's not necessarily that they found you to be 'unworthy'---it's because they were leading a double life.

 

I wish the best in your healing---emotional abuse can take a heavy toll. The more you learn about it, however, the more you'll come to understand that it's about the abuser being broken, it's not about you lacking in any way.

 

(and no, you can't *fix* an abusive person---they can only do that themselves, with lots of self work)

 

You dodged a bullet, really.

[CopingGal]

You dodged a bullet, really.

 

That's what I've been told too...I dodged a bullet.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Thanks, friends, for helping me put it into perspective. I just get into those moods sometimes where I wonder what she has that I don't.

[freestyle]

Thanks, friends, for helping me put it into perspective. I just get into those moods sometimes where I wonder what she has that I don't.

 

Well, she has an abusive man , and you don't.

I'm not trying to make light of your situation at all--I'm trying to point out that there are different ways you can look at it.

 

Actually, it's easy to fall into that trap of comparing ourselves to the next person an ex gets involved with. (I've done it, too--more than once).

 

But--it IS a trap.Going back to viewing your self through HIS eyes, instead of your own. The more you start to regain your self-esteem, the easier it will be to validate yourself internally.---(then he will no longer have power over you)

 

You CAN take your power back.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Well, she has an abusive man , and you don't.

I'm not trying to make light of your situation at all--I'm trying to point out that there are different ways you can look at it.

 

Actually, it's easy to fall into that trap of comparing ourselves to the next person an ex gets involved with. (I've done it, too--more than once).

 

But--it IS a trap.Going back to viewing your self through HIS eyes, instead of your own. The more you start to regain your self-esteem, the easier it will be to validate yourself internally.---(then he will no longer have power over you)

 

You CAN take your power back.

 

Funny thing...before I met him, I had healthy self=esteem, confidence; felt generally good about myself. He systematically chiseled away at it unbeknownst to me; I just kept getting deeper and deeper with him. If you told him what you did for a living, he would find something wrong with it.

 

After awhile, I would 'look better with this hairstyle", etc. When I was all dressed up, hair all done for orchestra, he hardly looked at me. when we got back to his place *(he led me to believe that whole day, it would be a romantic evening after the show, if you catch my drift)--he fell asleep on the couch as I sit there all dolled up, night still young.

 

But I see what you mean and it will take time to rebuild:(

[CopingGal]

My ex said many times that he likes women with self-esteem. Funny he feels that way, since his actions lowered mine big-time. By the time I left him, my self-esteem was soooooooooooooooooo low...it was LOW!

 

All the lies, all the bad treatment, it wore away my self-esteem and I didn't even know it. One day I realized my self-esteem had dropped dramatically. I left him about a week later...for good.

[BewitchedandBothered]

My ex said many times that he likes women with self-esteem. Funny he feels that way, since his actions lowered mine big-time. By the time I left him, my self-esteem was soooooooooooooooooo low...it was LOW!

 

All the lies, all the bad treatment, it wore away my self-esteem and I didn't even know it. One day I realized my self-esteem had dropped dramatically. I left him about a week later...for good.

 

Maybe these guys have proven that misery loves company? They are miserable in some way and try to bring others down with them? Still feeling wounded though; wish I could unsee that pic of him and her on a date together

 

I wish I could stop having thoughts of him being romantic with her, the way he used to be with me until he took it all away.

 

Just coming here for reassurance helps and I hope his true colors come out again.

[BewitchedandBothered]

You're never to blame and i think you actually already do know that. You can't analyze what he did...and trying again and again is only going to keep hurting. Looking at him and pictures of him and his unfortunate new woman isn't going to help you. If anything be happy you are free of this bastard....

 

Also, i've said it before and i'll say it again.. i seriously doubt his life with this woman is all peaches and cream.. people like this never change and she, like everyone else hes dated, will see his true ugly colors eventually (if she hasn't already gotten a taste).

 

I hope this is true. His ex g/f went out with him to 'catch up'--this was shortly before I started talking to him. She told me later, when I was in the throes of my pain from him--"uh, he has not changed; still egotistical as ever and I couldn't wait to leave."

[oldguy]

There are 5 steps of grief, some say 7 but we wont split hairs. It takes 5 steps weather it's loss by death or separation; The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central My personal favorite has always been anger

I hope this helps a bit.

This to shall pass & you will emerge a better person for it.

Edited February 29, 2012 by oldguy

[johan]

It isn't him you miss. It's the love he never gave you that you wanted so much that you are missing. It hurts, because it looks as if he can give it after all, just not to you. It's just another humiliation from him.

 

We are programmed to seek love from people who won't give it. It's a security response we learned as kids, to keep our parents providing for us. It goes a bit haywire in abusive adult relationships.

 

The fact is, you're just seeing some pictures that make things look like they are going well for them. But you know better than she does what their future holds, and you don't want that. You want to find a guy who can really be there for you. Focus on your future and what you care about. Not the past and what he denied you.

[freestyle]

It isn't him you miss. It's the love he never gave you that you wanted so much that you are missing. It hurts, because it looks as if he can give it after all, just not to you. It's just another humiliation from him.

 

We are programmed to seek love from people who won't give it. It's a security response we learned as kids, to keep our parents providing for us. It goes a bit haywire in abusive adult relationships.

 

The fact is, you're just seeing some pictures that make things look like they are going well for them. But you know better than she does what their future holds, and you don't want that. You want to find a guy who can really be there for you. Focus on your future and what you care about. Not the past and what he denied you.

 

 

Johan's right on the money here, OP. (great post, J)

 

There can be deep-seated reasons that some of us continue to chase after the emotionally unavailable types, over and over again.Early childhood wounds, and FOO (family of origin) dynamics--can replay over & over again in our adult years------

 

Unless---we start to become aware of them.

Why does one person tolerate abuse, when another person tells an abuser to "take a hike!" ?

It's our hard-wiring, or programming, as Johan put it.If our parents were emotionally absent, we're more likely to be attracted to someone who's also emotionally absent.

 

Please. please , don't think of this as me pointing a finger at you, saying it's your fault---that's absolutely NOT my intention.....

 

What I'm pointing at is that you can eventually use this experience as something to increase your self-awareness, and self-knowledge---so that you never have to go through it again.

[BewitchedandBothered]

There are 5 steps of grief, some say 7 but we wont split hairs. It takes 5 steps weather it's loss by death or separation; The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central My personal favorite has always been anger

I hope this helps a bit.

This to shall pass & you will emerge a better person for it.

Thanks, Oldguy for this information. Anger is my favorite, too--it beats crying and feeling broken. Anger makes me feel 'clearer' about things. But I am disgusted now and asking those old 'why' questions.

[2sunny]

Thanks, friends, for helping me put it into perspective. I just get into those moods sometimes where I wonder what she has that I don't.

 

She has the ability to allow his abuse... Good for you not allowing it; and understand that you do deserve better than what he was offering (abuse).

 

A users need a victim = someone who WILLINGLY goes along with the abuse they are dishing out.

 

Be grateful that's not you!

[BewitchedandBothered]

It isn't him you miss. It's the love he never gave you that you wanted so much that you are missing. It hurts, because it looks as if he can give it after all, just not to you. It's just another humiliation from him.

 

We are programmed to seek love from people who won't give it. It's a security response we learned as kids, to keep our parents providing for us. It goes a bit haywire in abusive adult relationships.

 

The fact is, you're just seeing some pictures that make things look like they are going well for them. But you know better than she does what their future holds, and you don't want that. You want to find a guy who can really be there for you. Focus on your future and what you care about. Not the past and what he denied you.

 

You are very right. I also miss the sweet guy that never existed--his true colors came out:( you hit the nail on it; I do miss the love he never gave me; he is giving it to her. He humiliated me often. This does add to it and it hurts; my pride is hurt, feelings are hurt.

 

Trying to focus, but that picture....it opened the wound a little bit. I thought I was over the situation. Seeing him looking happy when my pride says he doesn't deserve it after hurting me, his ex wife and another ex, plus many friends.

 

He has a way of erasing us all as if we never existed, and then telling people that we are all psycho--and everyone in his circle believes it. I hope he gets his comeuppance.

 

He never wanted me to post pictures of our trips, nothing...but there they are posting pictures together. I am baffled. Trying daily to work through it, but that picture was a setback. I hope he called her by my name like he called me by his ex's name.

 

Well..i shouldn't say that; she could be a sweet person...I just want someone to see him for what he is...or the awful stuff I saw, anyway.

[BewitchedandBothered]

She has the ability to allow his abuse... Good for you not allowing it; and understand that you do deserve better than what he was offering (abuse).

 

A users need a victim = someone who WILLINGLY goes along with the abuse they are dishing out.

 

Be grateful that's not you!

Hi there, 2 Sunny. Yes; he thrived, I mean seriously thrived on arguments. He would start them and they would get ugly; blow up my phone with abusive texts, then emails. After a while I ignored both and no reply. Then he would say "why do we fight? in another time, you and I would be married"--then I said "and I would file the divorce papers". When I got angry, he seemed to get off on it. I don't understand it.

 

After awhile, I just ignored him and I am the first one he would stop texting/emailing. I was told by one of the ex's that he won't leave me alone, he would keep texting, etc. He texted twice in August, I did not respond,t hat was that.

 

Maybe because he thinks I am a threat; I went to the ex wife for answers. He was pissed to say the least. I mean angry, infuriated. Said I had no business going to her. But I needed some kind of answers to figure out what was up with his behavior. She was sweet and kind. We talked for hours; she filled in the blanks for me.

 

He told me she was a psycho, told her I am a psycho--she said "that's just how he is; I thought he may be bipolar and needing medication because his behavior swings back and forth". I found this to be very true--jeckyll and hyde. Mind you, I know people who are bipolar, they aren't like this; they take medication and are well and fine.

 

His Facebook was more important than I ever was; he told me he would do anything to protect his reputation and if it means hurting me, then he would do it. Those words are stuck with me. I am jealous of the new one because maybe she's the special one he won't do this to. Maybe there is something about me that was a target for his abuse.

[2sunny]

When you cut him out of your life completely - by blocking him and never even thinking to check on him or respond in any way - that is when your healing will begin.

 

As long as you hand him any power - he still has a hold on you...

 

YOU have the ability to get away from ANY thing that has to do with him.... But will you break the cycle or allow it to continue having power over your happiness?

[oldguy]

There is something to be said for absolute NC. As someone here mentioned, you see pictures & create a story & make it the worst possible one you can imagine. stop looking at the pictures, distract yourself with friends, movies Television. (most of us don't have the self control to get lost in a good book without our mind drifting but if your one who can, do that)

 

All 5 steps need to be experienced btw.

 

Your a good person who has been treated poorly, it's not fair or just but you are still a good person & after the sting is gone, and like the flue, it will pass.

Unfortunately you are far from being alone at this moment in the world.

 

You will be fine, the justification in being a good person is knowing you are & there are others like you & one day, after this mess has passed, you may find one of them

Edited February 29, 2012 by oldguy

[BewitchedandBothered]

Johan's right on the money here, OP. (great post, J)

 

There can be deep-seated reasons that some of us continue to chase after the emotionally unavailable types, over and over again.Early childhood wounds, and FOO (family of origin) dynamics--can replay over & over again in our adult years------

 

Unless---we start to become aware of them.

Why does one person tolerate abuse, when another person tells an abuser to "take a hike!" ?

It's our hard-wiring, or programming, as Johan put it.If our parents were emotionally absent, we're more likely to be attracted to someone who's also emotionally absent.

 

Please. please , don't think of this as me pointing a finger at you, saying it's your fault---that's absolutely NOT my intention.....

 

What I'm pointing at is that you can eventually use this experience as something to increase your self-awareness, and self-knowledge---so that you never have to go through it again.

 

Hi, Freestyle!! At first, he was a gem. We became online Facebook friends--he friended me through someone else and we hit it off. But....now that I look back, he dropped her like a hot potato to talk to me--she thought maybe there was something budding with him and her, but not sure.

 

One day he chatted me up and we chatted for awhile; she got on and asked me if he was on; I said "yes, we are chatting"--she called me very upset saying he told her he was going out for coffee. That was his excuse to stop talking to her to talk to me.

 

He was extremely sweet and charming; when we would be out together, it was romantic and he treated me like a lady. But then something happened and he would start arguments/texted me drunk one night accusing me of seeing someone else---which I did not do, I was fixated on only him.

 

The argument would stop and he would start it up with texts at 6am, etc. Then he would stop in the middle of the argument and say "how about we get together for dinner and talk it over. I find that when I see you, this fighting doesn't happen". But later, it did start to happen. I was expecting a romantic date and he held his phone and walked ahead of me;didn't hold my hand.

 

He started acting like we weren't dating--talked to me like an acquaintance and would cancel our dates because something came up. It's not that I chased after him; I just wanted answers. Here I am...still wanting answers and he found it so easy to just move on as he always did. She met his family--he hid me from that. I just don't get it. I'm not sure if I was used for sex since he could barely perform/get it up.

[2sunny]

Hi, Freestyle!! At first, he was a gem. We became online Facebook friends--he friended me through someone else and we hit it off. But....now that I look back, he dropped her like a hot potato to talk to me--she thought maybe there was something budding with him and her, but not sure.

 

One day he chatted me up and we chatted for awhile; she got on and asked me if he was on; I said "yes, we are chatting"--she called me very upset saying he told her he was going out for coffee. That was his excuse to stop talking to her to talk to me.

 

He was extremely sweet and charming; when we would be out together, it was romantic and he treated me like a lady. But then something happened and he would start arguments/texted me drunk one night accusing me of seeing someone else---which I did not do, I was fixated on only him.

 

The argument would stop and he would start it up with texts at 6am, etc. Then he would stop in the middle of the argument and say "how about we get together for dinner and talk it over. I find that when I see you, this fighting doesn't happen". But later, it did start to happen. I was expecting a romantic date and he held his phone and walked ahead of me;didn't hold my hand.

 

He started acting like we weren't dating--talked to me like an acquaintance and would cancel our dates because something came up. It's not that I chased after him; I just wanted answers. Here I am...still wanting answers and he found it so easy to just move on as he always did. She met his family--he hid me from that. I just don't get it. I'm not sure if I was used for sex since he could barely perform/get it up.

 

 

 

So, from what you type - he gives you evidence that he lies. His evidence shows that he says one thing and does something else... That is a liar.

 

Why do you find this liar worth YOUR time, thoughts or energy?

[BewitchedandBothered]

So, from what you type - he gives you evidence that he lies. His evidence shows that he says one thing and does something else... That is a liar.

 

Why do you find this liar worth YOUR time, thoughts or energy?

You are very right; and logically I should not allow him to live rent free in my head, but...Just wounded I guess. He does say one thing and do another and act all innocent. And it really gets to me that his circle has not seen it.--only 2 people..all these years of knowing him and they have not seen this from him? He told them what a horrible person I am and they believed it just like that. He had many block me.

 

Just trying to dissect it all.