Trying, trying, trying, but....

[freestyle]

B&B~~

 

Here's an article you might find helpful---this author has written some amazing insights into relationships similar to what you experienced. In fact, I'd recommend reading more of her stuff--she's right on target, IMO.

 

Understanding Why You Find It Hard To Get Over Someone That Future Faked and Fast Forwarded | Baggage Reclaim

 

 

Normalising Bad Behaviour in your Relationships | Baggage Reclaim

 

 

 

She did a whole series on emotionally unavailable men, that's an eye-opening read as well.

[BewitchedandBothered]

B&B~~

 

Here's an article you might find helpful---this author has written some amazing insights into relationships similar to what you experienced. In fact, I'd recommend reading more of her stuff--she's right on target, IMO.

 

Understanding Why You Find It Hard To Get Over Someone That Future Faked and Fast Forwarded | Baggage Reclaim

 

 

Normalising Bad Behaviour in your Relationships | Baggage Reclaim

 

 

 

She did a whole series on emotionally unavailable men, that's an eye-opening read as well.

 

It hurts he wasn't emotionally available for me, but is for someone else...sigh....but I will give your information a try.

[johan]

...I do miss the love he never gave me; he is giving it to her. ...

 

You don't know that, do you?

 

Does a picture on Facebook tell you the whole story of their relationship?

 

Would you honestly trade places with her?

[fallenenvy]

You don't know that, do you?

 

Does a picture on Facebook tell you the whole story of their relationship?

 

Would you honestly trade places with her?

 

 

He's right... you know i keep telling you that things arn't going to be great with her or anyone else cause people like him don't change...

 

Trying to figure out why he does what he does or how he makes everyone see past how nuts he is... isn't ever going to help you.

 

The answer is very very simple.... he's messed up. Has nothing to do with you or anyone else... the man has problems with himself and likes to take it out on others (whether he really means to or not).... This is just how it is with abusive people. The good part is you arn't with him anymore and no longer need to deal with him dragging you down. I really don't feel as if further attempts to dissect what happened will do anymore good.

 

I know you arn't going to be able to see it in simple terms for awhile.. but it really is.... simple. He's f-ed up. you were a victim to it. you are now free and the next woman is the new victim.

 

I know it'll take time.. but you'll get there....

[BewitchedandBothered]

Hi there:) Checked in to read and re=read because I just need reassurance. Fallenenvy, especially, you are like my rock on here. The past few days I kept very busy, but he is still in my thoughts, the good, bad and the ugly. It was a sign that my phone crashed and all my texts were gone--i saved all our texts from the beginning of the relationship; I used to love getting his Good Morning Sunshine texts. Then over time, the texts got really ugly. He would start fights with me.

 

If I reacted, he would act as if I am in the wrong for responding that way. Maybe it's good those texts are all gone. I still have all the emails and inboxes--though I was blocked, I can still see the content, just not his face.

 

I talked to a friend last night who went through the same thing--her ex is back on the dating sites searching. He never changed; said she was the best thing that ever happened to him, but was verbally and mentally abusive---and started to become physical. It helped us both to vent because we went through it all at the same time.

 

If he had been kind and decent, I could be over it and we could be on friendly terms. But I have such hatred and disgust for him that thoughts of having been intimate with him make me literally sick to my stomach.

 

I am all over the place, trying to heal and this bastard moved on. I just have to consider his patterns with relationships. He is smitten with anyone who is reasonably attractive and nice to him. He will pretty much take anyone, which I do believe that is how he landed this latest one. He finally got a decent byte on his Match.com and suddenly he's in love, even if he has to force things to happen.

 

They say happiness is the best revenge, but what good is it if he blocked me and can't see me living life? I feel like I deserve something out of this debacle. "The mills of the gods grind slow indeed, but they grind exceedingly fine..." I just have to keep that in mind. Sigh...This sucks. He isn't capable of a sincere friendship. He is all surface and when you go deeper you find...more surface.

 

The flower show in Philadelphia is coming up and he is probably taking her to that. I have memories of going with him; but I think he used me to replace memories of his ex, since he took me to places he took her. I can't help but wonder if there are times he things I was the best he ever had because we had a chemistry. It just sucks to feel this way.

[fallenenvy]

Yes.. you are all over the place.. and thats how its gonna be for awhile... just reread what you wrote.... in the same post you talked about hating him and the thought of intimacy with him making you sick.. and then you talked about the flower show and how hes probably taking her and how that makes you sad cause of the memories you have going with him.......it's normal.. eventually however.. it won't be like this.

 

You talked about happiness being the best revenge but how can he see you happy etc.... well.. does it really matter? You would be being happy for you.. not for him... and honestly if you moved on and found yourself content in life; either with someone else or without, he wouldn't even matter anymore.. so screw him and what he thinks or knows about you.. cause it just isn't important.. REMEMBER he is a miserable person.. that's easy to tell just by how he treated you and brought you down... he will always be a miserable person... and you won't.

 

Anyway, glad i can help you. I see you can't PM on here yet so if you want you can always email me @ fallentoodeep22 .... yahoo.

 

FEEL BETTER!

[CopingGal]

Johan's right on the money here, OP. (great post, J)

 

There can be deep-seated reasons that some of us continue to chase after the emotionally unavailable types, over and over again.Early childhood wounds, and FOO (family of origin) dynamics--can replay over & over again in our adult years------

 

Unless---we start to become aware of them.

Why does one person tolerate abuse, when another person tells an abuser to "take a hike!" ?

It's our hard-wiring, or programming, as Johan put it.If our parents were emotionally absent, we're more likely to be attracted to someone who's also emotionally absent.

 

Please. please , don't think of this as me pointing a finger at you, saying it's your fault---that's absolutely NOT my intention.....

 

What I'm pointing at is that you can eventually use this experience as something to increase your self-awareness, and self-knowledge---so that you never have to go through it again.

 

My dad was never emotionally available and ignored my mom throughout the marriage. My mom was always begging for his time. Surprise...I ended up in relationships in which I was always begging for my boyfriend's time. This latest ex was the worse. Most women up and left him...but I stayed and kept going back to him off and on for 3 years...until the psychological abuse got so out of control that I left him for good. When I look at my relationship with him, it really is like seeing my parent's relationship...it's shocking how similar it was. My father was a liar and treated my mom like crap. My ex did the same to me. My mom stayed, just like me. My father was psychologically abusive, just like my ex was to me. My father was a terrible husband. My ex was a terrible boyfriend...but I stayed off and on for three long years.

[BewitchedandBothered]

My dad was never emotionally available and ignored my mom throughout the marriage. My mom was always begging for his time. Surprise...I ended up in relationships in which I was always begging for my boyfriend's time. This latest ex was the worse. Most women up and left him...but I stayed and kept going back to him off and on for 3 years...until the psychological abuse got so out of control that I left him for good. When I look at my relationship with him, it really is like seeing my parent's relationship...it's shocking how similar it was. My father was a liar and treated my mom like crap. My ex did the same to me. My mom stayed, just like me. My father was psychologically abusive, just like my ex was to me. My father was a terrible husband. My ex was a terrible boyfriend...but I stayed off and on for three long years.

When I was a kid, my Dad drank and was never there; there were tons of fights between my parents and Mom often kept us upstairs out of the argument. But...He got help and became a new man, loving and attentive to all of us. I am just a super sensitive person and was told to always forgive...But that's not who I am. If someone hurts me and is genuine and sincerely sorry, it still hurts, but I accept the apology. If someone hurts me intentionally and keeps hurting me and then blames me for it...I can't feel anything but hatred and want some kind of revenge.

 

In my case, I was attracted to a real charmer who doted on me and hung on every word. He read my 'about me' and seemed genuinely interested in all things pertaining to me. When the abuse started, I was confused and figured I did something to cause it. Or maybe he had a bad day, etc.

 

He would often want to make up quickly, but I was still simmering about things that he said to me. But he would lay on the charm and I would give him another chance. The last go around he said "I am done with you" after all the name calling and arguing, he was done with me and that was that. Until he texted me out of the blue when 2 people from his circle blocked him.That was somehow my fault, too.

 

Tonight, I had a silly thought which helped a little bit. I got to thinking of how unattractive he is physically. grossly overweight the last time I saw him *(he seems to have gained a lot since that time, in his recent picture I mentioned). He has this wide gap in his front teeth--when it's love, you find that **** endearing, but when they act ugly, they are ugly. I was starting to think, WTF did I see in him? It's a start, lOL

[Itsonlyme66]

doesn't mean anything one way or the other regarding how they will treat you.

 

I know this, because mine showed me off to everyone! The ex-wife. The other ex-wife. Introduced to his sons within 2 weeks. Introduced me to the immediate and extended family and co-workers.

 

And I was still devalued, discarded, talked crap about. mentally abused, etc.

 

Once I began sticking up for myself, he told everyone I was a monster.

[BewitchedandBothered]

doesn't mean anything one way or the other regarding how they will treat you.

 

I know this, because mine showed me off to everyone! The ex-wife. The other ex-wife. Introduced to his sons within 2 weeks. Introduced me to the immediate and extended family and co-workers.

 

And I was still devalued, discarded, talked crap about. mentally abused, etc.

 

Once I began sticking up for myself, he told everyone I was a monster.

 

Yikes:( I am so sorry you went through this; very humiliating:( How long before you saw those true colors? Were you warned from well meaning people in the beginning? I was warned, but I didn't listen because I was in deep with my feelings and felt he could do no wrong.

 

He also kept 'single' and interested in 'women'--makes me wonder if he changed that for her.

 

What brings me down is that this new one can fulfill all his needs in ways I was unable to. I wasn't as available as she is. He wanted a lady he could see every day/be able to drop everything to travel, etc. She can stay over if she wanted; I lived an hour away and had work/Mom was ill, etc. So I couldn't just go to dinner if he called at random. Leaving his place was awful; there was a sadness in both of us at the beginning, then he was stone faced, cold and unemotional; seemed unaffected that I had to go.

 

We were not together that long and he quickly went from sweet to scary/mean, then sweet again. There is that ego part of me that hopes she has trouble in bed with him the way I did. He couldn't maintain, couldn't 'finish'--if you know what I mean; he would just give up and want to go to sleep. He blamed all of that on me---I never had troubles like that with any fellow in my life when it came to intimacy. So that was another thing that made me feel inadequate.

 

I couldn't meet all his other needs; cannot drive at night-=he used to brag that his ex wife could read a map==i never could, GPS is fine with me, LOL, brag that when they traveled, she would drive night shift for him, also bragged she had a fat income. From what I gather this new girl has a nice income, being a Veterinarian.

 

I am not all of the wonderful things this lady seems to be; maybe he will marry her and she won't see those awful things I saw, and his 2 ex's saw, and 3 friends saw. He is in that much of a honeymoon stage.

 

Last time he tried contacting me was in August. He apparently hooked up with her in January. Just seems so quick, but he had several dating sites, someone was bound to bite the fish hook, I guess. makes me feel hollow inside, sometimes.

[Itsonlyme66]

1. First wife told me to "watch out" because he cheated on her. Pretty creatively hid women's phone numbers under car mats, in TINFOIL BOXES (no kidding!) etc. When I told Jack, he said, "oh she's bitter and jealous."

 

2. I saw the way he spoke of his exes and treated his 2nd wife as well. Like ****. But he treated me great, so I thought it was them, not him.

 

I know what you mean where you wouldn't listen to what people said. Even his own son - after one of our arguments, said - Dad will probably die alone.

 

You can't warn the new woman. You know she won't listen.

Would you have?

Did you?

No, and neither did I.

We believe what we WANT to believe until reality hits us in the face the hard way.

 

And I'll tell you something else.

When I was the "new girl", the exes thought he had finally found someone who would bring out the best in him. I was the best thing since sliced bread and they must have felt pretty inferior like failures too. Just like you do now.

But now, I'm in the "ex boat" and I'll be thinking the NEXT one he finds will be his saving grace.

But inside, I know it won't be. Just like you know it's the same movie reel over and over in his life.

Every woman will probably meet the same ending with him.

[BewitchedandBothered]

1. First wife told me to "watch out" because he cheated on her. Pretty creatively hid women's phone numbers under car mats, in TINFOIL BOXES (no kidding!) etc. When I told Jack, he said, "oh she's bitter and jealous."

 

2. I saw the way he spoke of his exes and treated his 2nd wife as well. Like ****. But he treated me great, so I thought it was them, not him.

 

I know what you mean where you wouldn't listen to what people said. Even his own son - after one of our arguments, said - Dad will probably die alone.

 

You can't warn the new woman. You know she won't listen.

Would you have?

Did you?

No, and neither did I.

We believe what we WANT to believe until reality hits us in the face the hard way.

 

And I'll tell you something else.

When I was the "new girl", the exes thought he had finally found someone who would bring out the best in him. I was the best thing since sliced bread and they must have felt pretty inferior like failures too. Just like you do now.

But now, I'm in the "ex boat" and I'll be thinking the NEXT one he finds will be his saving grace.

But inside, I know it won't be. Just like you know it's the same movie reel over and over in his life.

Every woman will probably meet the same ending with him.

 

No;never warned this new one===if I did, I would be the jealous/psycho ex, just like the person who warned me---but she wasn't an ex; she knew someone who was burned by this guy and saw his ways on Facebook, creeping the ladies' pages, etc. If you questioned him, he blocked you, simple as that. He told me "I never throw anyone away". I guess I am the first.

 

When I did see those pictures of the two of them together, I could see it in his eyes, no real emotion; just "I'm here" kind of thing. Detached. A friend told me the same thing. He is very detached after awhile. one day he can be loving and affectionate==he was a good kisser and hugger, but sex? awful. Did yours ever blame you for his performance problems? Makes you feel inadequate as a woman.

 

but you are right; when it is the honeymoon stage, warning someone is fruitless. She will have to find out like the rest of us, but maybe she won't; she seems so perfect.