My boyfriend's a bastard.. but I'm starting not to care..

[lifeistooshort]

When you've stopped caring when you're boyfriend ****s up big time in the relationship.. is that good or bad ?

 

I recently discovered messages my boyfriend wrote to a girl he knew from school. Everything from how he wishes he could "touch" her.. and how no matter what that they should never lose contact... and said how amazing she is.

They talked about how she is in a realtionship and how she hopes it's going to work. He wanted her to e-mail him pictures of her smiling... etc.. she lives in another state now, but he said when she gets back to let him know so she can come see his band play.

He says he's talked to that girl in the past when he wants "attention".. and that he's used her in the past for sex and flirting... (before we met)..

 

Now, I know for a fact my boyfriend loves me a lot. I also know that he is a big flirt, and likes to get attention from females.

I know he wants a future with me, and that I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had..

 

We've gone through so much in our relationship.. that it's made us really strong, and at the same time.. ever time we think we should break up, it hurts less and less.. and I'm able to deal with it better.

 

 

If any girl read those messages that they wrote to each other (he was drunk at the time.. but.. still no excuse).. I think any girl in her right mind would break up with him.

I was very hurt and upset.. yet I only cried once..

 

I was remembering times in the past whenw we've gotten in fights, and I've flirted with other guys on a level my boyfriend would not appreciate at all.

 

My boyfriend was seeking flirtation.. and attention from that girl. I've done the same things in the past, and expecially if I was drunk, I know I could do the same thing if I was in the right mindset.

 

But at the end of the day, I know he wants to be with me, and I want to be with him.. and we want to get a house.. farm.. make money.. and have fun togther like we do.

 

I was looking back on the weekend we had.. and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

 

 

I told him he has to never speak to that girl again, and that he has to go to therapy to deal with his sexual issues. Being attracted and flirting with someone is fine... but telling them you wish you could kiss them and hug them, is NOT okay. Thats getting onto another level that I won't accept.

 

 

He is very ashamed and he can't even apologize because he knows it wouldn't do anything. We've been through this trust **** a thosand times, and he knows by now I can't trust him.

 

Yet at the same time.. I love our life together, it's totally not worth giving up. I opened my eyes a little to the fact theres people out there with 2 or 3 wives.. or even those people with open relationships.

 

Love is love. and I know we both love each other..

I can hope he will sort some of his sexual issues out in therapy.

 

 

It feels weird that when I really digest it all, I can understand why he's done it.. because I've done it too..

but it honestly doesn't change the fact that we want to be partners in life.

I don't want an open relationship.. but is it okay that I am more accepting of "unacceptable" behaviours in a relationship ?

 

If this happened to any of my friends, I know they'd be gone in a second. But in my heart it doesn't even seem worth it.

 

Can anyone offer insight ? My boyfriends put me through hell in back.. yet it never changes the love I have for him.

If this happened 6 months ago, I would be hysterically crying and almost killing my self over it.

 

But.. I find my self being really calm.. and just trying not to give a **** because life is too short. I find my self not caring.. it's almost like a defense mechanism.

 

Is this okay ? As long as we're both happy.. should it matter ?

 

- life is too short

[uriel]

Well, it sounds like you both may not be completely done sowing your wild oats and growing up all the way, but you do love one another. He's gone farther over the line than he should, but you've called him on it.

 

That's what I like about your post. You are not letting him get away with mistreating you. You expect him to get counseling, cut off contact with her, and straighten up. Sounds like you are commiting to doing that yourself. So, there's hope here, as long as you both put the relationship first and keep working on your own life goals at the same time.

 

I'm not surprised that you took this latest incident more calmly. I hear you caring here, but I also hear that you're not surprised like before. You've a more realistic and mature assessment of him and the relationship. You're willing to work on it, and you want him to be too. You also have a more definite sense of yourself than last time -- like you've taken stock and realized the quality person you are and what you mean to him. That's lessened the impact of what he's done on you; it's not like you or your world are falling apart. You've some sense he's not just going to dump you for the next kitten to stray in his alley. Maybe, in an odd way, you gained some level of trust from what happened before.

 

Just make sure you keep asking for a real relationship, rather than settling for a sham. That's when you'll know there's no hope left. Until then, put in some work on making a good life together and keep encouraging him to do the same.

 

-- uriel

[CurlyIam]

Hi,

 

Maybe I'm reading wrong, but...

 

Before going any further, I'll say have had one more serious relationship, quite long and definetely very serious. All I can say is as far as I'm concerned, it was damn hard handling our relationship without any of us showing interest for someone else.

 

Every time this happened, we were both heart broken and almost broke up!

 

I also remember quite vividly the strenght we had together, how sure we were of one another, the good times, the fun, at one time. Relationships evolve and change. Be very sure to look at the two of you as you are right now, not at the two of you as you were during "the good old times".

 

I don't know your age, but I think it is always too early to settle for a few good years you once had with someone. Don't be mistaking this forwhat's not: your only motivation for feeling that assured is routine.

 

 

 

 

You don't have a house to pay, don't have kids, don't have tuition fees to pay to say that..." well, in the end, I am the best thing that ever happenned to him and always came back to me and.... it's not that bad, we've got some years ahead." I think moose's motto is "with one foot in the past and the other in the future, you're pissing all over today"

 

Darling, once he started looking around you can throw all that out of the window. He can always meet someone better, but that's a threat to you because he is looking!

 

You are so sure of yourself and your relationship because you think he's never gonna leave. Haha, I find this thought highly amusing!

 

I mean, it's ok, if you trust your instincts that much as to ignore reality, things that happening in your face, be my guest. IT's your life, your choices.

 

I think you are blinded. It happenes a lot when in a long term relationship. Just try to make the effort to see your relationship in its dynamic. I honestely don't understand how you could get past through the trust issues.

 

 

 

 

Again, I am not here to judge you, your action or your relationship. Just think better about whom you want to have near you for the rest of your life, when you're gonna be really sick, really tired and in need of support.

 

If he's looking around when you're not even married, you're young and beautiful, you don't have 2 or 3 children and loads of responsabilities.... Is this really long term man material?

 

I know couples can get past through infidelities. But they usually treat it with the outmost importance...

 

 

 

 

MAture relationship??!!!??? Hell, no! Routine, comfort, safety (perceived safety)... think about this...

 

Curly

 

P.S. I didn't even get into your not rejecting cheating on him... But that wouldn't be your problem, would be his, right?

[Unlucky In Love]

I'm reading a book right now called, "Your guide to a perfect relationship." It clearly describes a phenomenon that more and more men and women are involved in: its called, cheating on line.

 

People who are in committed relationships should not be sending emails to other people saying that they are interested in them. This is another form of cheating. A man cheats not just with his body, but also with his mind.

 

I once dated a man who corresponded to alot of women through email. During our relationship, I became so paranoid that I would log onto his computer while he was at work and read his emails. Surely, enough he was asking other women out. When I confronted him about it, he denied it.

 

What I began to learn is that he had a co-dependent personality and was very insecure. Sending sexy emails to other girls made him feel more like a man.

 

I had to ask myself: Is this the kind of person I want to marry? The answer is: No.

Is this the kind of person I want to be a father to my children? The answer is: No.

 

We broke up when I got tired of all of the emails.

 

Getting back to your situation, I think this is the beginning of the end. I would start backing away now and consider other options. Alot of men are truly secure in themselves and don't act this way.

 

I wish you the best of luck in finding the man you deserve!

[faux]

Originally posted by lifeistooshort

When you've stopped caring when you're boyfriend ****s up big time in the relationship.. is that good or bad ?

 

You end the obviously defunct and meaningless relationship. Yes. That is a bad thing.

 

I recently discovered messages my boyfriend wrote to a girl he knew from school. Everything from how he wishes he could "touch" her.. and how no matter what that they should never lose contact... and said how amazing she is.

They talked about how she is in a realtionship and how she hopes it's going to work. He wanted her to e-mail him pictures of her smiling... etc.. she lives in another state now, but he said when she gets back to let him know so she can come see his band play.

He says he's talked to that girl in the past when he wants "attention".. and that he's used her in the past for sex and flirting... (before we met)..

 

It was nice of you to give someone like him a chance. I mean, having a past history of using women and admitting to it and such. Foolish of you, but nice of you.

 

Now, I know for a fact my boyfriend loves me a lot.

 

WHAT?!??! It certainly does not sound that he does at all. Then again, you've not said anything good about him yet.

 

I also know that he is a big flirt, and likes to get attention from females.

I know he wants a future with me, and that I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had..

 

Are you reading what you are typing here? It sounds as though this guy lies quite a bit, and is taking you for a ride. It sounds as though he has you brainwashed to the point that he can do anything that he wants, and always have you there.

 

We've gone through so much in our relationship.. that it's made us really strong, and at the same time.. ever time we think we should break up, it hurts less and less.. and I'm able to deal with it better.

 

It honestly does not sound to me that this relationship is strong in any sense. If you have thought that you needed to break up more than once, then you probably should. I don't see that this relationship is going anywhere from how you describe it.

 

If any girl read those messages that they wrote to each other (he was drunk at the time.. but.. still no excuse).. I think any girl in her right mind would break up with him.

 

You still have not broken up with him, yet it seems you feel you ought to. I think you ought to, but that is just me. Drunkenness is never an excuse, but you are allowing him to use it as an excuse.

 

I was very hurt and upset.. yet I only cried once..

 

This is mean to say, but I feel that it is right for me to say so: You are placing yourself in this horrible situation, and coming back to get hurt repeatedly. You could just walk away from it, but for some reason you are not.

 

I was remembering times in the past whenw we've gotten in fights, and I've flirted with other guys on a level my boyfriend would not appreciate at all.

 

My boyfriend was seeking flirtation.. and attention from that girl. I've done the same things in the past, and expecially if I was drunk, I know I could do the same thing if I was in the right mindset.

 

THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP HERE THEN! END IT! End this horrible cycle of pain that need not continue! This is getting really ridiculous now. Obviously the relationship is utter crap and completely worthless, and neither of you care. Why do you remain in this false relationship?

 

But at the end of the day, I know he wants to be with me, and I want to be with him.. and we want to get a house.. farm.. make money.. and have fun togther like we do.

 

You are sounding SO disillusioned here. You two do not want to be with one another. How can you want to be with someone who treats you like this guy? How can you feel that you want to be in a relationship with someone when you have no qualms about disrespecting your partner?

 

I am finding it difficult not to say mean things here, so I hope that my mentioning that gives you enough of an idea that I think this situation is nuts!

 

I was looking back on the weekend we had.. and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

 

 

I told him he has to never speak to that girl again, and that he has to go to therapy to deal with his sexual issues. Being attracted and flirting with someone is fine... but telling them you wish you could kiss them and hug them, is NOT okay. Thats getting onto another level that I won't accept.

 

 

He is very ashamed and he can't even apologize because he knows it wouldn't do anything. We've been through this trust **** a thosand times, and he knows by now I can't trust him.

 

Are you listening to yourself? Jeeeeeeeesus CHRIST! You cannot have a relationship without trust! You let this guy get away with murder and you will continue to let this guy get away with murder.

 

Yet at the same time.. I love our life together, it's totally not worth giving up. I opened my eyes a little to the fact theres people out there with 2 or 3 wives.. or even those people with open relationships.

 

Love is love. and I know we both love each other..

I can hope he will sort some of his sexual issues out in therapy.

 

He obviously does not love you, and you do not love him. You are not happy with one another. Your relationships sounds as though it is more than worthy of giving up, forgetting about, and running away from as fast as you possibly can. You are not opening your eyes; you are ripping them out of your head, making excuses for this guy to be completely disrespectful to you and hurting yourself in the process.

 

I also hope you realize that therapy will take years to get any real results.

 

It feels weird that when I really digest it all, I can understand why he's done it.. because I've done it too..

but it honestly doesn't change the fact that we want to be partners in life.

I don't want an open relationship.. but is it okay that I am more accepting of "unacceptable" behaviours in a relationship ?

 

You two do not want to be together. Read everything that you wrote. You cannot seriously tell me that you want to be life partners with this guy, or that you believe in any way that he feels the same way. And no. It is not OK to let him treat you in this way at all.

 

If this happened to any of my friends, I know they'd be gone in a second. But in my heart it doesn't even seem worth it.

 

Can anyone offer insight ? My boyfriends put me through hell in back.. yet it never changes the love I have for him.

 

You do not love him. I don't know what in the world is going on here but it certainly is not good, and it certainly is not anything close to love.

 

If this happened 6 months ago, I would be hysterically crying and almost killing my self over it.

 

But.. I find my self being really calm.. and just trying not to give a **** because life is too short. I find my self not caring.. it's almost like a defense mechanism.

 

Is this okay ? As long as we're both happy.. should it matter ?

 

- life is too short

 

This is NOT OK. You are NOT happy. Yes, that should matter. There is no relationship here. I only see loads of problems, and I'm a bit angry because I get the feeling you are going to remain in this situation, and continue to get hurt despite what others and I have to say about what you have shared with us.

[uriel]

I want to respond to faux's frustration with you here. I think faux is right that you've allowed this cycle of mistreatment to continue on both sides. You've said in your post that you've done some things to hurt the relationship, too.

 

My advice is based on the idea that you are putting forward a tough facade to cover over the depth of your feelings. Given how you felt the first time this guy hurt you, I think this is probably accurate. It's true, as faux says, that you aren't explaining the positive side of your connection with this guy. I assume it's still there.

 

If it isn't, as faux suggests, then it is indeed time to get out. If this guy won't step up to the plate, stop playing games, and honor you and the relationship, same goes. Only if he really means his latest recanting of bad behavior AND sticks to it in demonstrable ways should you go forward with him. Otherwise, you'll become (maybe already are) a self abuser. He'll just be your weapon of choice.

 

Sometimes love isn't enough -- both people have to be in love and willing to honor that commitment before it works. I don't know if this guy you're with is capable of that. You'll have to watch his actions -- not his words -- and decide. The best predictor of future action is past behavior, so it doesn't look promising. Just be sure you don't use a forum like this to blow off steam so you can stay in an emotionally abusive situation. Be sure, as I said before, what's between you is real -- real good.

 

-- uriel