recently seperated and need

[hurts_so_bad]

Hi, I am recently seperated and need some good advice. Long story short, I am married for 17 years and have 3 children. During the course of our marriage I was a real F up! I was a hard working but also struggled with drinking a few times a week and bad gambling now and then which led to many many nights not coming home to my wife and kids...I also ened up with 3 DWi convictions which cost us thousands and had to spend soe weekeds in jail. After all this she still stood with me but as time passed, slowly I found that my wife was being more distant. We would fool around but not really romantically. Late last year she had a few friends who had broken up with their husbands and long term boyfriends. Afterwards it was a I am going out with the girls thing now and then. Then it became every weekend to the point where I started following her and things to that effect. I never caught her with any guys but she was out and it and I wondered why she needed this. Mid December I wrote her a nice letter statig how much of a idiot I was and I will be a better man. She responded with her letter stating she did love me ut took her love away and if I wanted it back I needed to show her I changed. Needless to say this was a very hard obsticle because at this point she was already going out with her friends every weeked and in order for me to change I needed her to stay home with me or do soething with e ad the kids on a saturday instead of being with her girlfriends. That never happened. She continued goig out and I got very discouraged and started going out the next day till it pretty much becae a tit for tat thing. One night she goes out, the next night I go out.. Anyway, About a month ago she tells me she is no longer in love ad wants a seperation. I am crushed but say I understand and moved out two weeks ago. No here is where it hurts! On valentines day I go to the house to see my kids..I bring frowers ad cards for everyone includig her telling her I love her. I then left before she came home. When she got home she seen the cards and flowers and said, That was very thoughful of you, Im glad you got to see the kids! I do love you and will always love you. I just dont know where my head is right now. The next day I call her and I try to push my way back on Sunday saying maybe I can coe up Sunday stay with the kids and sleep ver on the couch. She replied, " I dont know, Lets see" By Friday I didnt hear from her. She texts me friday night and says, " about Sunday, I dont think its a good idea and I still dont know where my head is" I was a bit drunk and text her back, I have every right to see my kids as you do! I am coming up no matter what you say! She replies. ok! Sunday I go up there and I am snooping. I find a valentines day card in her car to another man. It was still sealed and never given to him cause by now its almost a week later. It wasnt very detailed just saying that to her sexy man, I am crazy about you and I miss you when you arent around. Needless to say I went nuts. Threw the card in her face, called her every name in the book etc...even posted something really bad on her facebook page! Hours later when I got back to where I am staying I call her. She gets on the phone and we did talk civil. I said I am very sorry for acting like a nut but it just hurt so bad! Afterwards I brought up that I think its time for a divorce figuring I would show her! She told me, I am not in any rush but thinks it is time. Since that point we have text back and forth a few times. A few were nice and a few were colder. The last one she text me about the bills in the household not gettig paid. I totally turned the tide and made it into a nice conversation instead of a argument.We laughed a little and by the end of the conversation we agreed that I can come see the kids tomorrow. She mentioned that the clothes dryer has een giving her trouble. I said I would check it out for her only if she made me a steak..She laughed and said I will make you dinner but not be able to afford steak! I said if thats the case I will buy the steak. She said ok.....My question is do you think I have a way back into her heart? because she agreed to make me diner do you think she may miss me? I am really scared especially that the card says she was crazy about him. I truely love her and I am not a bad guy just a F up..But I have changed that this past week and yes, I know thats not long! I have been going to the gym, I already lost 10 pounds and most of my beer belly is gone. I must say I look 50% better and feel that much better and vow to myself not to drink again! I am so scared to death that I am going to get a text tonight saying she changed her mind or if when I get there she decides to go out after dinner with her friends! I know it should be all about the kids and me seeing them but I cannot get my mind off this! If anyone has some words or encouragement I would realy appreciate it!

Edited February 26, 2012 by hurts_so_bad

[standtall]

hurstsobad...ah where to start. Let's start with these parts

 

I was a hard working but also struggled with drinking a few times a week and bad gambling now and then which led to many many nights not coming home to my wife and kids...I also ened up with 3 DWi convictions which cost us thousands and had to spend soe weekeds in jail.

 

and I got very discouraged and started going out the next day till it pretty much becae a tit for tat thing. One night she goes out, the next night I go out..

 

Anyway, About a month ago she tells me she is no longer in love ad wants a separation. I was a bit drunk and text her back, I have every right to see my kids as you do! I am coming up no matter what you say!

 

Well, I think you summed up 99% of your problem is your original post. You're an alcoholic, and your marriage nor any other one of your problems will go away until you get help and get sober. Period. End of story.

 

But, I suspect you already know this because if you have had 3 DWI convictions, then then you've been through the court system, and rehab, and counseling sessions, and AA meetings, and court monitoring, and yet you continue to drink by your own admission. So, the end result is during your endless partying you've lost your wife emotionally and mentally to another man.

 

Please, since you have shown that you're an un-repentant alcoholic and drunk driver, don't waste anymore of your time or our time until you quit alcohol and whatever else it is your using. And yes, prescription/illegal drug abuse counts too.

Edited February 27, 2012 by standtall

[hurts_so_bad]

hurstsobad...ah where to start. Let's start with these parts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I think you summed up 99% of your problem is your original post. You're an alcoholic, and your marriage nor any other one of your problems will go away until you get help and get sober. Period. End of story.

 

But, I suspect you already know this because if you have had 3 DWI convictions, then then you've been through the court system, and rehab, and counseling sessions, and AA meetings, and court monitoring, and yet you continue to drink by your own admission. So, the end result is during your endless partying you've lost your wife emotionally and mentally to another man.

 

Please, since you have shown that you're an un-repentant alcoholic and drunk driver, don't waste anymore of your time or our time until you quit alcohol and whatever else it is your using. And yes, prescription/illegal drug abuse counts too.

 

Thanks for all the support and positive words! I really appreciate it! I forgot that everyone on this board must be perfect and thats why they are heartbroken! and how dare you assume I use drugs! I have had some hard times in my life and looked for help! You have to walk before you can run and I have taken my 1st steps! how dare you judge me and make e feel unwanted! I guess your just so cool like back in high school that you have your click and I am not allowed in! A post like yours is not only arrogant but very disrespectful! No wonder why you have problems! Atleast I know my problems werent by my attitude ut my actions!

[standtall]

Sorry you feel that way and don't want to hear the truth. People do want to help, but you have to help yourself first. If you want atta boys and affirmation, I'm sure you've had plenty in your AA meetings. Statements like these in your first post

 

I was a hard working but also struggled with drinking a few times a week and bad gambling now and then

 

still show that you're not taking full accountability for your actions. Even in your angry response in your second statement.

 

I have had some hard times in my life

 

still shows blame shifting.

Also, it has been my experience with alcoholics, and I have had plenty, I have found that when they quit drinking, they turn to other substances and don't count it as addictive behavior. I'm not judging, but that is my experience, and this may not be the case with you but I would find that more the exception than the rule.

When you get more sobriety under your belt, I bet more people here will be willing to post to help you. In the meanwhile, you just sound like any other person who has is in trouble and only gets sober when you have destroyed everything around them.

 

Now, you may get some coddling on this forum, but I bet that kind of coddling has empowered you to continue your behavior as long as you have, but I am not that kind of person. I think you need to hear it plain and simple. If you want some advice..here it is. You need to take full accountability for all your actions over the years, not just part of it. Second, stay sober. Third, when you fix yourself, then you can fix your marriage.

Edited February 27, 2012 by standtall

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi hurts so bad,

 

My husband has had many struggles with alcohol as well.

 

He was a homeless alcoholic for ten years before I met him. He quit drinking the week I met him. He really liked me and I told him that I wouldn't date a man that drank because my father was an alcoholic and I did not want to live through that.

 

In my naive youth, I thought that him stopping would be enough and that there was a risk he would go back to it, but if that happened I would leave.

 

He stayed sober for five years. He relapsed in April and drank through the Summer. I knew that something was up, but couldn't pin down exactly what. Until July I discovered his empties ( he got lazy).

 

He put an incredible amount of emotional pressure on me, blaming me, making it entirely my choice what was going to happen to our family. His paranoia increased too. He sponged off of me and contributed very low amounts into our home.

 

I figured that the drinking was temporary because he would get very sick. Finally he had one if his old homeless friends stay over and they drank together. He lost his job. I said nothing because the consequences were becoming self-evident. (he did at one point try to blame me for losing his job, it didn't fly too far). Since our finances were separated, he was scrounging for bus fare to even do anything. He hit his bottom at that point in a matter of a few weeks.

 

His homeless friend got sick of seeing him do nothing to help his family (not even going out to panhandle lol). His friend started lecturing him about being a better father and eventually just went on his way. His friend even panned and contributed some money and groceries into the home.

 

After the few weeks of sobriety and getting back on his feet, I came home one afternoon and discovered him drunk with our two year old! My heart just died, my worst nightmare realized. He has given her a day old BLT sandwich out of

the fridge to eat ( he used to make all of her pure organic food). I took her straightaway over to her grandparents house. I came back and he flipped Out completely and started trashing our place.

 

I called the police and they wouldn't remove him because we are legally married and his name was on the lease. Eventually he went back out on the front lawn all drunk shrieking and he called the police again on himself because "he wasn't wrong about this." Well they came and arrested him in his sock feet for public intoxication.

 

Unfortunately that incident coupled with the seven year old mental health record I had previously had was enough to get our daughter seized by Social Services. We now have a battery of term to complete to get her back.

 

It wasn't going to be "WE" for quite some time and yes, whole we were separated I entertained the affections of another man who had been left by a spouse with very similar issues.

 

I didn't entertain the idea because he was anything special. It came about largely due to the fact that I had gone beyond my limit without having fully realized it. My husband had not acted like an adult in our relationship for a very long time. It leaves one very very lonely trying to deal with so many of the adult responsibilities (including children) by oneself.

 

Trying to keep a stable home with an addict of any kind is brutal, draining and soul-sucking. You never feel truly safe, your stomach churns and you never know what is happening next. Plus you get blamed for everything. Not to mention the humiliation you have from being married to someone that does things that embarass you.

 

I am sure that your wife has been very embarrassed by your DWIs just like I

have been very embarrassed by my husband trashing the house.

 

Furthermore he has the "I'll show her" behavior down to a "t" as well. So basically your wife says "you hurt me I don't want to hang out with someone that hurts me." to which you respond: "that hurts me, don't think you can get away with hurting me, I'll hurt you right back." very very destructive.

 

The things that worked between my husband and me was that he lost everything and started living in the back of his car. He let me know rather arrogantly that he was going to be better off without me. But the booze kept getting him in the kneecaps. He couldn't see it at the time.

 

When our daughter was seized, they basically said he couldn't drink, they were going to randomly test him and they restricted his access to her for two

months. His act changed very quickly to treating me like I was some kind of restrictive parent, to realizing it was effecting everyones life in a much bigger way then he was willing to admit.

 

Alcohol clouds judgment so much that you can't see the pit you are leading yourself and your loved ones into. It isn't about "them winning" "you showing them" "them trying to restrict you or take away your fun" or them "making too big of a deal about it."

 

It is about seeing your spouse go from the person that shone so brightly in their eyes to being someone completely in denial of the stuff that is killing them and making them unable to meet basic marital or relationship needs. It hurts in places you didn't think would hurt.

 

Being married to an alcoholic is crazy-making. It makes you feel crazy. "am I really that much of a bitch? Am I really no fun? Is this really that okay or

normal?" To any spouses of an alcoholic out there who happen to be reading this: no, to all of the above.

 

If you've been an alcoholic your whole life, you aren't going to see the full effects until you've 100% quit. Therefore you aren't going to be able to deal with the full effects (I.e. Rebuilding your relationship) until you have quit.

 

As for your wife, how it worked with me and my h was this: he quit, he was miserable and very reclusive for awhile because he was so uncomfortable. Then he went to "relapse prevention" and is looking into going to Smart Recovery.

 

He also went to Pathways to Change (a course on communication put on by a shelter here in Calgary). I am sure that there would be courses like that in

your area as well. Him learning empathy for what I was going through did major major things in rebuilding trust and moving my heart.

 

Now that things have stabilized, we are attending EFT therapy which has a 75-80% success rate in healing marriages.

 

You have to SHOW your wife that you are serious about making changes in you life, not just tell her that you have or tell her that you will. You have to do it and SHOW it.

 

I understand that "she's not perfect either." but that isn't the point. It isn't about trying to have your wife be perfect so you are justified to behave however you feel. Your behavior can easily change hers as well.

 

You can't expect her to take respinsibility for her parts of the relationship and how she behaves until you can SHOW her CONSISTENTLY that you are taking responsibilty for your end, which includes behaviour that is considered criminal

and puts others lives at risk.

 

There is something I have noticed that most addicts fear control or being pinned down. Like somehow if they give up their drug of choice it means that the other person has "won, was right all along and is taking something that I enjoy away from me."

 

From the outside looking in it looks like the addict has all of the control: "they are crushing our dreams of having a family together, they treat me like I don't understand them and that I am not worth quitting for and that I am second most important (if that) in their lives. They leave me alone and don't care whether I stay or go no matter how much I beg or plead. I feel like crap all the time and worthless and my spouse really underlines that for me."

 

It's almost like the addict mentality is: "I will utterly ****ing destroy myself and everything in my path before I ever let you control any choice I make." here's the conundrum: by utterly destroying yourself and killing the connection to others, you are actually giving all of the control in your life to the substance that is ruining it. It doesn't matter if that addiction is alcohol, drugs, porn or Rice Krispies, you are putting a mind poison at the helm of your life and every piece of your life's destruction is evidence of that.

 

I would guess that whether or not your marriage heals: it is time to face what you are so afraid of happening without alcohol in your life on a permanent basis. Best of luck.

 

By the way: I wasn't a cool kid in high school.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry, sorry I just reread the end of your post and realized that you vowed nit to drink again.

 

Ugh. Such a long post too.

 

My advice at this point:

 

1. Dont go back to it. Obvious, yes I know.

2. Take a communication course that involves empathy. Your wife might be totally resistant at first.

3. Talk to Divorce Busters, they are wonderful. A lot of the 180 plan would apply here.

4. Ignore the fact that your wife had A Valentine FOR NOW. the more that you find stuff to react to, the more that you will react and truly the other guy is a symptom of the issue, not the original problem. I talked pretty much daily with one guy on here who was always thisclose to fixing that marriage and really got screwed up over the contact that the wife had had with the OM she dated while they were separated. Sorry dude, if you play around with the divorce card EVER don't expect her to keep her eyes only on you. It just doesn't work that way with the vast majority of people. DO NOT FOCUS ON HIM FOCUS ON YOU.

 

5. See if she'll agree to EFT MC. EFT is Emotionally Focused Therapy.

 

Best of luck

[coopster]

wow , paragraphing would help ( us ) for a start!

 

you got the bad cop treatment, and now your`ll get mine.

Standall never meant any harm, i`m sure. No one here does. You may read things that you don`t like. tough. No one here is perfect. No one in REAL life, is perfect ( althought the world would be a better place if everyone thought and acted like ME...but that`s another story )

 

Joking aside.

 

How dare you follow her when she goes out? You admitted you had a problem with gambling and used to stay out most of the night? While your wife done what? More than likely worried where you were, if you had crashed the car and was lying dead somewhere, etc etc etc.

 

I am going to be the good cop here , but jeeez

After all you`ve done in your marriage your suddenly worried that your wife might just of had enough and maybe after worrying about YOU for the past many years suddenly thinks ` F*** it. I`m going to have some fun now!!`

 

From what you have said...yes i think you do have a chance ( she must really love you buddy!! )

 

But you have to get help ( like standtall told you )

Changing just because you don`t want to lose her aint gonna cut it with her. You got a long and i mean long long few months ahead of you, maybe even years.

She`s got to see that you`ve changed, and that will take a while.

Just because you told her you will, naw ah, wont wash with her. She knows you , probably better than you know yourself.

 

You want to save this? Start by saving yourself, i reckon.

Edited February 27, 2012 by coopster

[coopster]

start by fixing the dryer WITHOUT expecting ANYTHING in return

[hurts_so_bad]

I appreciate all the posts and advice. Like I said, I am not a bad guy! I am an electrician by trade and make a good salary that pays the mortgage and provides for my family now as it did even when my wife wasnt working for the first 10 years of our marriage.

 

I am not making excuses for myself at all, but If anything I am a f**k up! not a bad guy! The things I have done to her I know are wrong and I do take accoutability for them. I am not looking for a pat on the back or for anyone to say its her fault. I am just looking for some advice and I am scared ****less that she may have already fell for this other guy.

 

 

Just wanted to know if there was a way to turn the tide again so that she thinks of me....I wont let her or myself down again!

 

 

As for my drinking, I was never a daily drinker. I liked to drink on Friday or Saturday with Friends and one day during the week usually.. Problem is I cannot control it. Once I have one its off to the races for the rest of the night.

 

I always thought I could control it but I realize now that I cant. I lost my license now for 4 years and it made things that much harder on my wife and children. I am in no way protecting myself from constuctive criticisms at all. I deserve them. I just dont think it was right to be shunned like that. I may have my issues but everyone deserves a chance!

 

I did vow to quit drinking and I havent since last Friday. I have been working out daily and I feel great. I want to look like I did when I was 30 I am now 42...I always had a good build but now its a beer gut! I dont want this anymore! I already lost 12 pounds from fast walking the treadmill everyday and I have been eating right. I want to be proud of myself and want my wife too as well.

 

I can stay away from the booze. I have done it before but got comfortable again and started my old s**T... I now realize that drinking does nothing but wreck my life and has put my relationship with my wife and 3 beautiful kids in jeapordy!

 

Sorry if this post is all over the place! I am just scared and confused and need alittle encouragement I guess...Like I said, I am scared she is falling for this guy!

 

Thanks in advance for any advice!

Edited February 27, 2012 by hurts_so_bad

[hurts_so_bad]

I appreciate and understand what everyone is telling me.. I can take the harsh words and understand why! Believe me! I need help and just started as its only been a week that I stopped drinking. I have been too two AA meetings here and there when I can fit them in after the gym. I am trying...

 

I came home tonight to fix the dryer, She made me dinner and I checked the dryer. We ordered the part and things went well..She initiated asking what I have been up too etc... We spoke nice and had a few chuckles till the end of the night.

 

My wife went to bed and a mutual friend of mine who I had asked to dig alittle to find out what going on, Came over for 5 minutes. He told me that my suspisions of a guy at work were right. She is seeing him or just fooling around with him...

 

This guy is 25 and my wife is 40 and had two heart surgeries....To the ending of a nice night which I thought I did pretty good with the 180 routine, Turned out to be a total loss! I am so upset right now!

 

My wife and I used too always fight over the house being a mess..I am the tiddy one she isnt so tidy.. Reason I am bringing that up is because I came into the house and it was imaculate! The steak I wanted she got for me and I was feeling golden! Now I feel like total ****! I thought it was for me! I am crying as I write this!

 

I do love her but am I jerk for wanting her back after this? I know no one elses opinion should matter but I feel like even if it works out between us I may not be able to put my trust in her again. We are seperated but not legally...I dont know! My head is everywhere right now!

 

Any responses to bring me up would definitely be appreciated!

Thanks guys/gals!

[hurts_so_bad]

Sorry for the additional posts! I guess writting and listening to music makes me feel better! I did not mean to sound like the night was a total waste of time! It wasnt at all, Only on the wife part after I heard the bad news!

 

I did get time to work out with my son and bring my daughters some gifts and watch some tv with them. Right now they are both sleeping next to me on the couch! I am alittle calmer now but I am going to ask a question that will probably get me boiled again cause I have a feeling I know the answer...

 

Does this 180 stuff still work even if she is seeing this other guy? The card said that she was crazy about him! I know there are no guarantees in anything but do I have a chance using this method even due to the circumstances?

 

Thanks!

[lee777]

hurt so bad ...

 

Our stories are similar in the fact that I was married for 17 years prior to my separation, and I was a complete F-up. However, I have no problem with alcohol ... no DUI's or anything like that.

 

My wife left me Jan 2010. During the seperation I finally realized what type of self centered, selfish jerk I had become. This made me definitively want to change myself to finally become the best man possible. The first few months I cried over and over because I missed my family, and I was ashamed at the jeopardy I had placed my children in, and the fact that my wife was so angry with me (actually a good thing after separation). During this time I pleaded with her to come home, and I had changed ... that fell on deaf ears as she was having none of it.

 

By the time the 5th month of seperation came around, I started noticing that my wife was treating me differently when i picked up the kids ... she was showing interest in my life again. I was in therapy, I had lost 55lbs, I stopped smoking, I was working out everyday, dyed my hair, changed my wardrobe, completely changed my diet ... I at least looked like a new man ... and wow, did I ever notice it with other women paying more attention to me. I threw away all my XL T-shirts, and replaced them with tight size M ... my waist went from 40" to 32". By this stage of the separation my wife knew something was radically happening with me. I had stopped begging her to come home. I told her that I still loved her, however, if she didn't feel the same about me, I'd find someone else to live the rest of my life with. I had become emboldened with confidence, and in my case it absolutely worked, as I am certain that my wife would have never considered taking me back if these things had not happened in my life.

 

Though my life changed rapidly, I didn't change being the person I was. However, I did become a lot more attentive to her needs, and less selfish. I realized the world didn't revolve around me. AHWIAHL ... a happy wife is a happy life!

 

My wife asked me to come home in Oct 2010, after 9 months of separation. Our marriage is not perfect, however, it's better than ever before as I realize how important she is in my life. I love her more than anything. We will celebrate our 20 year anniversary Aug ... and I am the luckiest man on the planet.

[dreamingoftigers]

Kay, a few things:

 

1. Daily drinker or not: QUIT MINIMIZING IT! IT TOTALLY SCREWED UP YOUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY. The point isn't how often you did or did not do it: the point is that it is really really destructive.

 

2. OM is a symptom of the issues, it'll run it's course or it won't, you aren't a jerk for wanting your wife back. The more you focus on OM, the more you miss the point and just stay reactive to the fact that he is/was around. Really, you have no clue what is up. You are separated.

 

3. Smart Recovery may be A better alternative then AA, look into it, the recovery rates are higher.

 

4. The 180 can easily take weeks or months and SHE WILL TEST THE HELL OUT OF YOU! Rome wasn't built in a day.

 

The second you give up you lose.

 

5. Being a crappy person is not the same as having really crappy coping skills and behaviors. You are not "a **** up." you have ****ed up behavior and coping skills, both of which can be changed. No one was born with a perfect template. No one should be responsible for your template either though.

[hurts_so_bad]

Thank you for your responses! The more I hear good things the more it makes me feel better even so I know its nothing definite...

 

Just to let you guys know, I am not making light of what I have done or the issue of my alchohol use. I just wanted to let you guys know that I was not a everyday, wake up till I fall down drunk. Thats all. Like I said, I am not making light of it.

 

As for last night, I played the role pretty well and all went pretty good. She made me dinner and I checked the dryer. In the mist of it all there was a little joking around from time to time and a few laughs. After I received the bad news that there actually is, Or was a guy. I felt like going crazy on her but didnt! I stood silent and just maintained. Hard as hell!

 

It just hurts that she couldnt be more honest instead of strinnging me along! Saying, "I love you and always will but I am very confused"..I would have understood if she just straight out threw me out! It hurts alot to think she was purposely trying to treat me like a jerk! I mean how much could you love me if your with another person?

 

 

Anyway, As you know I slept over last night. I asked her to wake me in the AM before the kids got up for school in case I wasnt already up. I ended up hearing her alarm clock and woke my daughter up this morning myself. 5 minutes after she got up my daughter was in my arms crying to me that she misses me and wanted to stay home with me to spend some time. It made me feel hurt and good at the same time that she did miss me but also knew that this was due to my problems! However, My daughter is very slick for a 12 year old.. She likes to try and take days off from school because she is tired in the morning. So I told her. Honey you have to go! I will see you sometime next week or maybe I will hang here today till you get home at 2:30pm..

 

I am not going to do that because I think it will only make things harder later. Do you agree? I was also thinking of writting my wife a short email stating I am glad I got to see the kids and that she let me stay over and that we had good conversation and it was good see her.l...Is this a good idea or should I say nothing?

Please respond asap as I have to leave by 11am..

 

Thanks for all your help guys!

[hurts_so_bad]

The only other ? I have about this 180 thing is, Say it works and we get back together one day. Do I have to play this role forever or will she have by this time started to respect me again. Cause if you have to play a game your whole life to keep someone, Is it really really worth it?

[subhub40]

If you were serious about your marriage and family, you wouldn't be asking advice from a bunch of anonymous internet non-persons. This is a cheap way to get validation for your current course of action, which is obviously not working.

 

Social services. Counseling. AA. Real help.

 

Hi, I am recently seperated and need some good advice. Long story short, I am married for 17 years and have 3 children. During the course of our marriage I was a real F up! I was a hard working but also struggled with drinking a few times a week and bad gambling now and then which led to many many nights not coming home to my wife and kids...I also ened up with 3 DWi convictions which cost us thousands and had to spend soe weekeds in jail. After all this she still stood with me but as time passed, slowly I found that my wife was being more distant. We would fool around but not really romantically. Late last year she had a few friends who had broken up with their husbands and long term boyfriends. Afterwards it was a I am going out with the girls thing now and then. Then it became every weekend to the point where I started following her and things to that effect. I never caught her with any guys but she was out and it and I wondered why she needed this. Mid December I wrote her a nice letter statig how much of a idiot I was and I will be a better man. She responded with her letter stating she did love me ut took her love away and if I wanted it back I needed to show her I changed. Needless to say this was a very hard obsticle because at this point she was already going out with her friends every weeked and in order for me to change I needed her to stay home with me or do soething with e ad the kids on a saturday instead of being with her girlfriends. That never happened. She continued goig out and I got very discouraged and started going out the next day till it pretty much becae a tit for tat thing. One night she goes out, the next night I go out.. Anyway, About a month ago she tells me she is no longer in love ad wants a seperation. I am crushed but say I understand and moved out two weeks ago. No here is where it hurts! On valentines day I go to the house to see my kids..I bring frowers ad cards for everyone includig her telling her I love her. I then left before she came home. When she got home she seen the cards and flowers and said, That was very thoughful of you, Im glad you got to see the kids! I do love you and will always love you. I just dont know where my head is right now. The next day I call her and I try to push my way back on Sunday saying maybe I can coe up Sunday stay with the kids and sleep ver on the couch. She replied, " I dont know, Lets see" By Friday I didnt hear from her. She texts me friday night and says, " about Sunday, I dont think its a good idea and I still dont know where my head is" I was a bit drunk and text her back, I have every right to see my kids as you do! I am coming up no matter what you say! She replies. ok! Sunday I go up there and I am snooping. I find a valentines day card in her car to another man. It was still sealed and never given to him cause by now its almost a week later. It wasnt very detailed just saying that to her sexy man, I am crazy about you and I miss you when you arent around. Needless to say I went nuts. Threw the card in her face, called her every name in the book etc...even posted something really bad on her facebook page! Hours later when I got back to where I am staying I call her. She gets on the phone and we did talk civil. I said I am very sorry for acting like a nut but it just hurt so bad! Afterwards I brought up that I think its time for a divorce figuring I would show her! She told me, I am not in any rush but thinks it is time. Since that point we have text back and forth a few times. A few were nice and a few were colder. The last one she text me about the bills in the household not gettig paid. I totally turned the tide and made it into a nice conversation instead of a argument.We laughed a little and by the end of the conversation we agreed that I can come see the kids tomorrow. She mentioned that the clothes dryer has een giving her trouble. I said I would check it out for her only if she made me a steak..She laughed and said I will make you dinner but not be able to afford steak! I said if thats the case I will buy the steak. She said ok.....My question is do you think I have a way back into her heart? because she agreed to make me diner do you think she may miss me? I am really scared especially that the card says she was crazy about him. I truely love her and I am not a bad guy just a F up..But I have changed that this past week and yes, I know thats not long! I have been going to the gym, I already lost 10 pounds and most of my beer belly is gone. I must say I look 50% better and feel that much better and vow to myself not to drink again! I am so scared to death that I am going to get a text tonight saying she changed her mind or if when I get there she decides to go out after dinner with her friends! I know it should be all about the kids and me seeing them but I cannot get my mind off this! If anyone has some words or encouragement I would realy appreciate it!

[standtall]

I am not going to do that because I think it will only make things harder later. Do you agree?

Please respond asap as I have to leave by 11am..

 

Thanks for all your help guys!

Do you mean letting your daughter stay home? Of course not, make her go tos school. Parenting sucks sometimes, and that is a perfect case.

 

I was also thinking of writting my wife a short email stating I am glad I got to see the kids and that she let me stay over and that we had good conversation and it was good see her.l...Is this a good idea or should I say nothing?

 

IMHO,say nothing. Women do not love men that they don't respect. An email could be seen as mildly sniveling...do not snivel, bootlick, or be a doormat.That is part of the 180..showing that you're moving on and progressing in life...with or without her.

[worldgonewrong]

I agree with Standtall: say nothing.

Otherwise you'd inadvertently be acknowledging her 'control' over the situation re you & the kids. It plumps her up stature-wise and diminishes you.

[hurts_so_bad]

I know you said no letter to the wife thanking for dinner etc...Thats fine..I wont. How about my daughters and son? can I write them a letter telling them I enjoyed their company and leave it? I am only asking cause I know when my wife gets home she will see it.

 

Will that llok bad in her eyes?

[worldgonewrong]

I know you said no letter to the wife thanking for dinner etc...Thats fine..I wont. How about my daughters and son? can I write them a letter telling them I enjoyed their company and leave it? I am only asking cause I know when my wife gets home she will see it.

 

Will that be ok bad in her eyes?

 

Forget what she thinks.

 

If you want to write a letter/note to your kids, do it.

[hurts_so_bad]

If you were serious about your marriage and family, you wouldn't be asking advice from a bunch of anonymous internet non-persons. This is a cheap way to get validation for your current course of action, which is obviously not working.

 

Social services. Counseling. AA. Real help.

 

I am not looking for any validation on any course of action! My current course, If you read the post, Is not drinking or drugs! I am going to the gym and living with a friend who is also clean and sober. I am staying sober and vow to stay that way....I know this is my fault and dont say otherwise! I am just looking for support to help me from totally losing my wife while I get change my life around. Thats all! I know if I dont ask information, I will probably act the wrong way and lose her forever!

[dreamingoftigers]

Few things:

 

1. The 180 isn't a game, it is a certain set of skills that help you to rebuild "you," thus making you more confident, have better boundaries, less needy and therefore a more attractive partner.

 

2. You aren't 180ing on your kids. Totally step up as Dad in that department. Set boundaries for them and enforce them. This doesn't mean you have to be a jerk, just yes means yes and no means no. Etc.

 

3. It would probably be best to either read Divorce Remedy or contact Divorce Busters to best execute the 180. If you weren't particularly kind to your wife before and that's what lost her, then you might want to try the opposite etc.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am not looking for any validation on any course of action! My current course, If you read the post, Is not drinking or drugs! I am going to the gym and living with a friend who is also clean and sober. I am staying sober and vow to stay that way....I know this is my fault and dont say otherwise! I am just looking for support to help me from totally losing my wife while I get change my life around. Thats all! I know if I dont ask information, I will probably act the wrong way and lose her forever!

 

Be prepared to go through Hell.

 

It can be done and has been done but it isn't easy. I also notice that men tend to give up on the 180 and crumple when their wife says things like: "I dont love you anymore" "I was happy when you were gone" "I want a divorce" "this is so sad, let's move on" etc.

 

Some days will seem bleak as Hell with no hope.

 

There were days for me that my marriage was a 0.1 or a 0.2 on a scale of 1 to 100. I think one day was even a 0.005 (it really wasn't looking good).

 

Just remember that fixing a marriage like this will require every last bit of faith in yourself and your marriage to do so. Sone days you won't want to either. Lots of days I didn't want to: but look at the long-term goal and the bigger picture. Envision it day to day if you have to.

 

I have a funny little feeling that if you keep determined, that yours will actually be one of the success stories.

 

By the way: YOU WILL **** UP. accept it, expect it, get back up after you fall on your face.

[coopster]

Be prepared to go through Hell.

 

It can be done and has been done but it isn't easy. I also notice that men tend to give up on the 180 and crumple when their wife says things like: "I dont love you anymore" "I was happy when you were gone" "I want a divorce" "this is so sad, let's move on" etc.

 

Some days will seem bleak as Hell with no hope.

 

There were days for me that my marriage was a 0.1 or a 0.2 on a scale of 1 to 100. I think one day was even a 0.005 (it really wasn't looking good).

 

Just remember that fixing a marriage like this will require every last bit of faith in yourself and your marriage to do so. Sone days you won't want to either. Lots of days I didn't want to: but look at the long-term goal and the bigger picture. Envision it day to day if you have to.

 

I have a funny little feeling that if you keep determined, that yours will actually be one of the success stories.

 

By the way: YOU WILL **** UP. accept it, expect it, get back up after you fall on your face.

 

Good advice.

 

I said in my 1st post to you

"From what you have said...yes i think you do have a chance ( she must really love you buddy!! )"

 

But be calm, be cool as a cucumber.

Little steps, tiny tiny steps. Don`t try and rush it...you`ll be back to square one and your`ll have an even longer way to go if you do.

 

This is not about her anymore, or the 2 of you...its about you.

 

As you have children together i dont think the 180 is the best option. I was made aware recently ( thanks Yasuandio )of something called the last resort technique, i`ll pm you the link. This may be more suitable to you given your current situation.

 

Go through other threads on here, read the advice, take what you need and use it.

 

Other sites are out there too. check out marriage builders and divorcebusting.

As dreaming said, i think you have a good chance to save this. Don`t blow it.

 

Don`t expect it to happen overnight either, it might take weeks , more likely months. Think cucumber.

 

good luck

 

p.s cant pm you so google divorce busting the last resort technique

Edited February 28, 2012 by coopster

[hurts_so_bad]

I want to thank everyone who has replied! I means alot to me and I am taking all the advice I get. As was metioned I will have my ups and downs and that is so true! Yesterday I felt like a illion bucks on the treadmill and can see I look good in comparison to what I did only a week ago! today I have had a roller coaster ride! I ask is shes worth it if she had to run right into another mans arms? A 25 year old that she works with at that!

 

I know I was 99.5% in the wrong for the years that have passed but why not just throw me out and have the back bone to be without another instead of deciving me! Then I think I now I did this and tons of other crap to her so I had it coming someday..I dont know what too think! My mind is everywhere. I forget who? but one of you guys mentioned that the 180 might not be good for me because of the situation I am in maybe due to kids.. Before it was mentioned I was thinking of asking if it was good for my situation.

 

Is it appropriate and will it work because there has to be contact due to the kids..Another question is. Being what I have put her threw throughout the years is it still right to use this method? I mean some may tell me to literally kiss her ass!

Edited February 29, 2012 by hurts_so_bad