recently seperated and need

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes, yes of course. When she says "jump" you

Don't ask "how high?"

 

You decide when you are available and what kind of life you want to construct for yourself.

[hurts_so_bad]

Yeap! I hear you guys! I gotta stop making myself so available at her needs. If I do, I think there will be a huge change! Right now I have no car cause my car is home and I cant drive it anyway because of my lisence situation, So I am stuck at my brother in laws house and very limited to do much at all and she knows it!

 

Its funny though that the other night after all the phone calls from her that I did not answer. All of a sudden at 8:30 am just after she gets to work she text me "Tried to call you last night. Thank god it wasnt an emergency LOL"

 

If you already have it fixed whats the sense in texting me? I think she just wanted to hear my voice or talk but wanted and excuse. I mean, I know the pilot was out because I shut the gas on Monday and had to turn the gas off and I forgot to relite the pilot on the hot water heater, but 5 phone calls after the 3 supposed butt dials? seems fishy.Maybe its just wishful thinking!

 

Anyway Thats old news now. I made plans to see my kids Sunday to take them to the movies and dinner. The wife said it was ok and I said I would like it if she came. I kow I know! Probably a mistake! Yell at me later! She seemed alittle hesitant than said ok... I figured while at the movies maybe I will reach for her hand and see what her reaction is....Any thoughts?

 

 

Thanks for the all the help guys! You all have helped e get threw this thing alot easier!

[coopster]

your taking your kids out. Make them your priority, not your wife. Think this will be better in her eyes than you `testing the water` ., by reaching out to her, be nice, be friendly...Dont be needy

[hurts_so_bad]

I think that your wife has been reaching out to you in different ways that you are kind of missing. No sense in point-blank asking, given the circumstance, but looking for these little clues might be helpful.

 

 

Not exactly sure what you mean? reaching out to me how?

[coopster]

Not exactly sure what you mean? reaching out to me how?

 

Well i`m guessing from what you said even in your original post, she still cares. You are the father of her children after all. The fact that she is contacted you at all says something doesn`t it? And she`s not being nasty? Angry with you? Blaming? From mwhat you`ve said you`ve got a chance. But i stress it won`t happen overnight. You know her better than us.

 

calm and cool remember? Don`t rush it!!!! Go at her pace, not yours. She still remembers all the c**p you put her through. Gonna take a while and a LOT of patience( on your part) for her to start seeing that you have changed.

good luck

 

 

coops

Edited March 2, 2012 by coopster

[dreamingoftigers]

Cripes, don't "bid" for her affection right now! Respond when she bids for yours! You risk pushing her away right now by being too forward. She's already hesistant, take your cue from that! Read the clues!

 

Sorry if my posting seems a little harsh. Wish I had more time to explain.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well i`m guessing from what you said even in your original post, she still cares. You are the father of her children after all. The fact that she is contacted you at all says something doesn`t it? And she`s not being nasty? Angry with you? Blaming? From mwhat you`ve said you`ve got a chance. But i stress it won`t happen overnight. You know her better than us.

 

calm and cool remember? Don`t rush it!!!! Go at her pace, not yours. She still remembers all the c**p you put her through. Gonna take a while and a LOT of patience( on your part) for her to start seeing that you have changed.

good luck

 

 

coops

 

What Coopster said in the first paragraph is what I noticed too.

[hurts_so_bad]

Thanks for the positive words guys! I am hoping she does still care! If she gives me another chance at this I will ever never let her down again! her and my kids are my world! As for the comment dramingoftigers said, I will take that advice and not bid for her affection....I am just so affraid that if I wait too long she may fall for this guy!

 

Im scared ****less right now!

 

 

By the way today is the 2nd week I havent drank...I feel great and see the effects of the gym already!

[hurts_so_bad]

Couple of questions for you.

Is there another man she`s seeing?

 

Do you want your marriage to work or not?

 

 

Sorry for the late answer...

 

T answer your question....Yes, I believe there is another guy. I found a valentines card. A friend of mine and my mom both think it might have been planted there for me to find..Wishful thinking!!! It was sealed and still in her car a week after valentines day. When I approached her with it she said I never gave it to him did I? My thought is, You still wrote it! So I am not sure if this is the real deal or not with another guy.

 

As for if I want my marriage to work, The answer is YES!

 

I hurt her for 17 years doing the wrong things...I can see past this as it was probably 90% my fault...

[hurts_so_bad]

My mom called me tonight and said she called my wife. She was telling my mom that she has been going out with her girlfriends etc. My mom asked about the kids and animals. We have 3 dogs and some reptiles. She said everyone is good but did mentioned I wish your son would take these reptiles out of here. My heart dropped once she told me that! I dont know guys but it doesnt seem as if she wants me back there anytime soon or at all! Please give me some advice here! I am ready to go there and have a good time with the kids and her (dinner and movie) but dont I have atleast the right too know where this is all going? I know what the 180 says but I may just be sitting on a huge disappointment here. Should I atleast ask her where this is going? If it a waste of time and she is in love with this other guy then I just gotta forget her and cut contact with her all together except for the kid issues no? I know I may be all over the place again but thats where my head is....I am taking this really hard! It hurts like hell!

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay man:

 

This is kick to the head #1.

 

Get ready for kicks 2, 3, and 4.

 

They are coming. Steel yourself. It's all part of the process.

Going 180 etc. Is very time-consuming work and it doesn't all go in a straight line, there are tons of curves and wrong turns. The important thing is that you review the points etc. And keep moving forward. If you find that you slipped back, correct yourself and regain your pace and your path.

 

Emotionally trying to work through a separation will have a lot of hits, and regularly.

 

Please please pick up a copy of Divorce Remedy at least. We can help with some of the basic concepts and executions (and be supports etc.) but knowing exactly what the 180 is, in and out, and what you are working towards is pretty important.

 

As for the reptiles, don't deal with them until she approaches you directly. As well, be upbeat around her, friendly etc. Dont go over there tomorrow night like it is your Final Meal or something. And for God's sakes don't blow up whatever you do.

 

Trying to do this with a fresh sobriety is a ton of pressure so don't be too hard on yourself about stuff. Just keep pulling forward.

[hurts_so_bad]

Okay man:

 

This is kick to the head #1.

 

Get ready for kicks 2, 3, and 4.

 

They are coming. Steel yourself. It's all part of the process.

Going 180 etc. Is very time-consuming work and it doesn't all go in a straight line, there are tons of curves and wrong turns. The important thing is that you review the points etc. And keep moving forward. If you find that you slipped back, correct yourself and regain your pace and your path.

 

Emotionally trying to work through a separation will have a lot of hits, and regularly.

 

Please please pick up a copy of Divorce Remedy at least. We can help with some of the basic concepts and executions (and be supports etc.) but knowing exactly what the 180 is, in and out, and what you are working towards is pretty important.

 

As for the reptiles, don't deal with them until she approaches you directly. As well, be upbeat around her, friendly etc. Dont go over there tomorrow night like it is your Final Meal or something. And for God's sakes don't blow up whatever you do.

 

Trying to do this with a fresh sobriety is a ton of pressure so don't be too hard on yourself about stuff. Just keep pulling forward.

 

 

Thanks for the advice! this has been burning me up since I heard it..I have a plan though.Tell me what you think. I am going to be as upbeat as I possibly can when I am up there....During the week if she texts or calls I am thinking of telling her. Please do me a favor and dont call or text me with small stuff..If its about the kids or an emergency fine. You are living your life without me. I have to live mine without you. I cant do that if I keep hearing from you...Figured I would put a little something out there to make her think alittle. Let me know what you think.

 

Thanks!

[coopster]

Thanks for the advice! this has been burning me up since I heard it..I have a plan though.Tell me what you think. I am going to be as upbeat as I possibly can when I am up there....During the week if she texts or calls I am thinking of telling her. Please do me a favor and dont call or text me with small stuff..If its about the kids or an emergency fine. You are living your life without me. I have to live mine without you. I cant do that if I keep hearing from you...Figured I would put a little something out there to make her think alittle. Let me know what you think.

 

Thanks!

 

Don`t tell her that!! What if she calls your bluff and says to you " ok , i won`t then!! ". Don`t say anything. If she texts you , just don`t reply. She is not living her life without you. She probably just as confused and upset as you are

 

I know this is hard and you just want to to do the best thing.

 

So she wrote a valentines card, like she said...she didn`t send it. Forget about it.

 

calm and cool remember????????????

[dreamingoftigers]

Don`t tell her that!! What if she calls your bluff and says to you " ok , i won`t then!! ". Don`t say anything. If she texts you , just don`t reply. She is not living her life without you. She probably just as confused and upset as you are

 

I know this is hard and you just want to to do the best thing.

 

So she wrote a valentines card, like she said...she didn`t send it. Forget about it.

 

calm and cool remember????????????

 

Seconded! Do not say this to her! Jeez.

Follow the clues, dont ANNIHILATE the clues!

 

Friendly, upbeat....,

[hurts_so_bad]

Don`t tell her that!! What if she calls your bluff and says to you " ok , i won`t then!! ". Don`t say anything. If she texts you , just don`t reply. She is not living her life without you. She probably just as confused and upset as you are

 

I know this is hard and you just want to to do the best thing.

 

So she wrote a valentines card, like she said...she didn`t send it. Forget about it.

 

calm and cool remember????????????

 

 

Not that I am questioning or putting your advice down cause Im not and do appreciate it all. My question is, If she calls my bluff and says ok and doesnt call than how much could she possily care? I feel like saying nothing I a being played and empowers her more. I am sorry but this is tearing me apart! It couldnt have come at a worst time in my life. I have nothing but my looks a pay check and personality! Everythig else is gone and my personality is in the gutter right now as well. I am living with my brother in law with his kids etc. Need I say more. Absolutely no freedom of my own. I keep looking threw websites with all different opinions.

 

I seen one last night that said when she tells you she is no longer in love with you means she has more than likely been having a affair for a while etc etc....And that just kills me! All this running threw my mind at once! The thought of another man touching my wife etc ....

 

 

I know I did wrong for many many years but did she have to do me like this? geez!

[hurts_so_bad]

any of you guys know any relaxing exercises? I sure need one! I feel like such a woos!

[fmrmarine]

It's a tough deal. I feel for you. Get some heavy bag gloves and join a gym with boxing equipment. Go hit that heavy bag for a half hour -- very theraputic. Fake it til you make it with your wife. No neediness, no clinginess. If she texts with random stuff, ignore it or don't reply right away and when/if you do make it something playful. Keep it light. Don't pursue. Be confident. Confidence attracts, confidence inspires. Again fake it, til you make it. You can do it.

[hurts_so_bad]

It's a tough deal. I feel for you. Get some heavy bag gloves and join a gym with boxing equipment. Go hit that heavy bag for a half hour -- very theraputic. Fake it til you make it with your wife. No neediness, no clinginess. If she texts with random stuff, ignore it or don't reply right away and when/if you do make it something playful. Keep it light. Don't pursue. Be confident. Confidence attracts, confidence inspires. Again fake it, til you make it. You can do it.

 

 

Thats for the uplift! I needed it! I am already at the gym and it helps big time! ow if I can only quit the smoking I would be ok....I am smoking like a fiend! But one thing at a time! without them I would proably totally go out of my mind!

 

So your saying, Say nothing, do nothing, just let it ride....Like the card game lol...

[fmrmarine]

Absolutley! Do nothing. Keep it light. Be available for your kids, obviously. But where she is concerned, be available on your terms, and in my opinion, your terms should be limited. Be friendly, be teasing, be playful. Do dinners, movies, bowling, whatever with friends. Be a fun person with a good social life. Make your wife see you differently than she has in a while -- as someone who can be happy and is happy without her -- even if you are faking it. This will do two things. First, it should increase your attractiveness to her. Secondly, at some point, you will start to realize that you CAN be happy without her. Fake it til you make it. Your wife probably has no fear of loss where you are concerned right now, as you have made yourself available. She's not worried about really losing you as she believes she still has you. You need to create some doubt in that department. Again, this is my opinion, and it may sound silly, but you need to play hard to get. I'll say it again, keep it light, keep it playful. BE CONFIDENT! Confidence is sexy and a huge factor being attractive to a woman.

[hurts_so_bad]

Absolutley! Do nothing. Keep it light. Be available for your kids, obviously. But where she is concerned, be available on your terms, and in my opinion, your terms should be limited. Be friendly, be teasing, be playful. Do dinners, movies, bowling, whatever with friends. Be a fun person with a good social life. Make your wife see you differently than she has in a while -- as someone who can be happy and is happy without her -- even if you are faking it. This will do two things. First, it should increase your attractiveness to her. Secondly, at some point, you will start to realize that you CAN be happy without her. Fake it til you make it. Your wife probably has no fear of loss where you are concerned right now, as you have made yourself available. She's not worried about really losing you as she believes she still has you. You need to create some doubt in that department. Again, this is my opinion, and it may sound silly, but you need to play hard to get. I'll say it again, keep it light, keep it playful. BE CONFIDENT! Confidence is sexy and a huge factor being attractive to a woman.

 

I definitely hear ya and know what you are saying is true 100%...Thing thats killing me is I am 60 miles from home. I have no friends here anymore. I grew up here but moved there 12 years ago. All my friends from the area here are married and gone. I have my brother in law but he is limited as he has two kids to take care of being his wife, My wifes sister passed away 6 months ago at age 37..

[hurts_so_bad]

Okay man:

 

This is kick to the head #1.

 

Get ready for kicks 2, 3, and 4.

 

They are coming. Steel yourself. It's all part of the process.

Going 180 etc. Is very time-consuming work and it doesn't all go in a straight line, there are tons of curves and wrong turns. The important thing is that you review the points etc. And keep moving forward. If you find that you slipped back, correct yourself and regain your pace and your path.

 

Emotionally trying to work through a separation will have a lot of hits, and regularly.

 

Please please pick up a copy of Divorce Remedy at least. We can help with some of the basic concepts and executions (and be supports etc.) but knowing exactly what the 180 is, in and out, and what you are working towards is pretty important.

 

As for the reptiles, don't deal with them until she approaches you directly. As well, be upbeat around her, friendly etc. Dont go over there tomorrow night like it is your Final Meal or something. And for God's sakes don't blow up whatever you do.

 

Trying to do this with a fresh sobriety is a ton of pressure so don't be too hard on yourself about stuff. Just keep pulling forward.

 

Well dreaming of tigers I guess last night was kick in the head no.2...Yu tell me!

 

last night has by far been one of the lowest points of my life! As you all know I am out of my element where I am staying because I have no friends here to hang or mingle with to do anything at all. Last night my brother in law and I made some plans to go to the neighborhood bar to just hang and mingle alittle. Around 8pm he told me he needs some privacy in his apartment for about a hour cause he had a girlfriend coming over. I said, Yeah no problem. I will take a walk and window shop or whatever. Around 9pm I text him and he said she just got there so he needs a little while longer and that he would just meet me at the bar we had planned on going to.

 

Anyway, I went to the bar and sat there for around a hour and a half drinking sprites and he still never showed. I dont like hanging in places like that unless I am with friends....I text him with no response. So I left the bar and just walked the damb neighborhood till about 11:30pm till he finaly text and said come on lets go back to the bar. At this point I was so upset that I said f@@k it! I just want to go to bed! This has got to be one f the wort times in my life! without a doubt! I feel like I not only lost my wife but my home kids friends and everything. I feel like I have nothing! On top of that I feel my wife is out having a grand ole time and maybe even with the new guy she is seeing....Very hard t keep my head up at this point!

Edited March 4, 2012 by hurts_so_bad

[coopster]

 

This has got to be one f the wort times in my life! without a doubt! I feel like I not only lost my wife but my home kids friends and everything. I feel like I have nothing! On top of that I feel my wife is out having a grand ole time and maybe even with the new guy she is seeing....Very hard t keep my head up at this point!

 

Gonna be days when you feel like this. sorry. When you do you need to do something, Anything. Go to the gym. Go jogging. Go for a walk. Write., read. Do 100 push ups.

 

Just stop yourself thinking what your wife is up to. prolly nothing or looking after the kids.

 

Cant`you move nearer your friends and the kids? Get a flat or a bedsit?

 

Anyway..aren`t you taking them out tonight? Is your wife still going?

 

Even thou you probably don`t feel like it , smile, Don`t talk to her about anything, Let her do the talking.

Most of all have fun. Your children are more than likely confused and upset as you are

 

tell us how you got on.

good luck

[standtall]

 

Last night my brother in law and I made some plans to go to the neighborhood bar to just hang and mingle alittle.

 

Anyway, I went to the bar and sat there for around a hour and a half drinking sprites and he still never showed. I dont like hanging in places like that unless I am with friends...

 

Dude, you are a recovering alcoholic..what in G**'s green earth are you doing in a bar??? You obviously have still not accepted the fact that you have a major alcohol problem, and that you have to completely turn your back on that part of your prior life. You're still focusing on your marriage while not fixing yourself. I stopped posting to this thread a while ago as I viewed as a waste of time, and now I will speak up. If you do not address the underlying cause of your problems....your raging alcoholism...then you're marriage is doomed to fail. Here is my prediction..you will continue to post here for another week or so, then disappear. That is because you will go back to drinking because you're still not taking it seriously. You should be in alcohol support groups, self help classes, hobbies, your children, reconnecting with friend and family, etc...every waking minute outside of work to disassociate yourself from the things that bring you to alcohol. If you do not, you're doomed to fail .I challenge to prove me wrong.

[hurts_so_bad]

Sprites or not, is a bar where you should really be hanging around? Why on earth do you feel the need to "hang and mingle?" In a bar no less.

 

Go to a movie, read a self-help book.

 

 

This is true! Someone told me about a book called the secret...Any good? Any others you guys recommend?

I guess I feel the need to have fun as I figure she is....

[hurts_so_bad]

Dude, you are a recovering alcoholic..what in G**'s green earth are you doing in a bar??? You obviously have still not accepted the fact that you have a major alcohol problem, and that you have to completely turn your back on that part of your prior life. You're still focusing on your marriage while not fixing yourself. I stopped posting to this thread a while ago as I viewed as a waste of time, and now I will speak up. If you do not address the underlying cause of your problems....your raging alcoholism...then you're marriage is doomed to fail. Here is my prediction..you will continue to post here for another week or so, then disappear. That is because you will go back to drinking because you're still not taking it seriously. You should be in alcohol support groups, self help classes, hobbies, your children, reconnecting with friend and family, etc...every waking minute outside of work to disassociate yourself from the things that bring you to alcohol. If you do not, you're doomed to fail .I challenge to prove me wrong.

 

 

Ok standtall, I take your pepsi challenge! lol!!! If I didnt drink last night which was one of my darkest points the rest will be easy! I am however going to AA meetings to help me out. I honestly dont feel like drinking at all...I have lost 15 pounds in two weeks and look great! I dont want to lose that! I just feel the need to get out and places like that are all I know. I need to open my mind a bit and realize that I can go to the movies, the pool hall, bowling, etc....