recently seperated and need

[dreamingoftigers]

HSB: now you are getting some victories!

 

1. Moved home

2. Spent a good time with kids

3. Sent wife a clear message

4. Got a different reaction from wife!

 

Expect things to be up, down and all over (of course) but see the little things and the little victories and try to make them repeat.

 

Good job going out with friends etc and not letting yourself betide about being worried that she might not be there.

 

The general idea is: she knows where to find you, now you be one the person both you want to be and she wants to find.

[hurts_so_bad]

Thanks guys! I have a very thick head so when i put my mind to something I do it! I feel better tonight than i have in a month! besides, I know its a whole week till next saturday! lol.....Never thought I would dread saturdays!

 

Thanks again guys!

[hurts_so_bad]

btt..........

[hurts_so_bad]

btt..........

 

 

hey guys! I am in a hole today that started with hearing my wife singing Pat benatars love is a battlefield...maybe I'm nuts or thinking way too much but I think she may care for this guy and I'm out!

Just listen to the evidence I have...

 

she says she dont love me anymore 3 weeks ago.

 

I find a card that states she is crazy about this guy

 

I come to the house last week, she cant tell me she loves me and wont kiss me.

 

I decide to come back this week and she obviously wasnt happy about it and lucky if we said two words to eachother.

 

She is dressed all day today as if she is waiting for a call to go out.

 

I just got home from the gym and she is in the shower probably getting ready to relax, I hope!

 

I have a feeling she fell for this guy...he is 27 years old and I think he may be playing her for a fool. I dont think she is thinking about me at all! I am running threw my head if it was the right decision to even come back here and i'm thinking of leaving again during the week. If she has feelings for this guy, its a losing battle for me no?

 

Can the 180 actually change her outlook on him to me? thats hard to believe if so.

 

I am really down here guys! Help me out!

[hurts_so_bad]

I don't know. Maybe I expected it to change her mind about me. I don't know. All I know is about the 180 list. Is there something else I am missing.

[hurts_so_bad]

come on. how old are you?

 

how old do you think you are coming across as?

 

The 180 list is not the be all and end all.

 

Whats number 1 on the 180 list????

 

 

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't know. Maybe I expected it to change her mind about me. I don't know. All I know is about the 180 list. Is there something else I am missing.

 

The most important thing about the 180 is that it IS a waiting game. It does take time. Mostly, it IS a waiting game.

 

You make the appropriate, healthy changes, cease appearing to be needy and/or vindictive with your spouse and over time they notice.

[2sunny]

So your W is doing her own thing... You already knew that.

 

You knew she wanted a divorce - why are you acting surprised? Come on- be real here.

 

She's distracted by some hot young guy... And you think her selfish a$$ is gonna stop and think about how YOU feel? No no no - she's in the affair fog and wants to pretend like you don't exist... Because she's too focused on young guy.

 

Start being so busy that you don't notice what she is or isn't doing.

 

You do have a right to be in the house... Just act like she doesn't live there.

 

She wants a divorce? Go file! Seriously!

 

 

And bad cop? Sheez, when did my truth and experience become the bad cop?

 

I post to try to be helpful - but if YOU aren't even willing to HELP YOURSELF - just let me know so I don't waste time and energy if you don't intend to invoke change into your life on a daily basis...

[hurts_so_bad]

So your W is doing her own thing... You already knew that.

 

You knew she wanted a divorce - why are you acting surprised? Come on- be real here.

 

She's distracted by some hot young guy... And you think her selfish a$$ is gonna stop and think about how YOU feel? No no no - she's in the affair fog and wants to pretend like you don't exist... Because she's too focused on young guy.

 

Start being so busy that you don't notice what she is or isn't doing.

 

You do have a right to be in the house... Just act like she doesn't live there.

 

She wants a divorce? Go file! Seriously!

 

 

And bad cop? Sheez, when did my truth and experience become the bad cop?

 

I post to try to be helpful - but if YOU aren't even willing to HELP YOURSELF - just let me know so I don't waste time and energy if you don't intend to invoke change into your life on a daily basis...

 

Who said anything about bad cop? Wasnt me so I dont know what your talking about...she never mentioned a divorce. she mentioned seperation. If all your comments are going to try and make me feel like **** about all of this please dont comment anymore. i am trying to figure my life out and what i should do threw Constructive advice. Calling my wife a whore, skank etc.. does not help my situation except make me feel like a total ****ing moron. I thought this site and thread were for people who were wronged and still want to try and salvage there marriage?

[2sunny]

Post #211 ... Apparently gorilla and I - I suppose pointing out the obvious makes someone a bad cop.

 

It is for folks to salvage a M - when BOTH people intend to DO the work to repair the damage that's been done.

 

Is your W participating in a way that shows you without a shadow of a doubt that she is all in?

 

If she's pushing you away - that is a big clue for you to understand.

 

I can stop posting in your thread... Sure...

[Steadfast]

I thought this site and thread were for people who were wronged and still want to try and salvage there marriage?

 

Ok, take a breath. This particular forum is for people who were wronged...almost period. There are some here that have salvaged their marriage and they offer good advice. You are not the first person that's visited here and came away shocked at the tough love being offered. People here have passionate responses and advice because they are, or have been, where you are. The view is different one or two years out.

 

Simply put, the advice is for you. Your wife will be judged here by your description of her actions. The pattern is fairly typical. The signs, obvious.

 

By your account, she is gone. Experience teaches cheating/checking out men and women have vastly different emotions. By average, when a woman says her love is gone, she means it. I'd wager she's felt that way for quite some time. Rarely, and I do mean rarely, does that love return.

 

A woman's social circle is a critical influence. Female peer pressure is much more effective than male peer pressure. The fact that you were a screwed up drunk didn't help, but unless abuse or total financial ruin is involved, a woman in love will put up with an extraordinary amount of crap.

 

IMO, she is gone. Your wife is not interested in you. She is running on emotion and that emotion isn't like a drug, it is a drug. A very real drug that is altering her thinking and decisions. They harder you try, the more she'll resist because she truly feels you stand between her and happiness.

 

Read this clearly: You can't fix it. You can't nice her back and you can't make her love you. It is very hard to accept. I know. Most of us do.

 

Now, right now, exists the very best chance for you to salvage your marriage. Let her go. Write a custody settlement, file for divorce, and tell her to find somewhere else to live. If she is like most women she'll raise holy hell. She'll accuse you of trying to 'get even'. She'll threaten you. She'll insult you in ways you never dreamed. Don't be intimidated. Tell her you want the marriage to work but cannot, WILL NOT live with a wife that is in love with another man. That has broken her vows. That is set to break apart the family she has a moral and ethical obligation to protect. Do not budge. Be firm. The firmer, the better. Let her see and taste the consequences of her actions, and live in a world where you, Mr. Former Pushover, is standing up for himself. She'll say she hates you, but inside, she'll begin to love you again. Maybe a little, maybe a lot.

 

It may not be enough. Be prepared that she'll either come back and want to work on things, or that your actions will end it for good. But this is a positive, because one way or another -divorced or reconciled- you'll be headed in a healthy direction. What isn't healthy? Where you are now.

 

That is the one place you can't stay. If she wants you, she'll come back. If she doesn't, then you'll have to get on with your life. Like many of us have.

 

Rest. Keep your temper. Demand better than this then be prepared to do what it takes to attain it. Do not allow this life for you and your family.

 

Keep posting. Stay strong.

Edited March 12, 2012 by Steadfast

[hurts_so_bad]

That's what I wanted to hear. A true opinion on how to continue here! Now, I have only.been back in the house since fridat. Should I give it a little time doing my own thing, the gym etc, to see if she comes around? Or should I start this thing right away. If I need to start this how do I go about a starting it? We are on the balls of our ass like my father puts it so there isn't much money.

[hurts_so_bad]

That's what I wanted to hear. A true opinion on how to continue here! Now, I have only.been back in the house since fridat. Should I give it a little time doing my own thing, the gym etc, to see if she comes around? Or should I start this thing right away. If I need to start this how do I go about a starting it? We are on the balls of our ass like my father puts it so there isn't much money.

[Steadfast]

Should I give it a little time doing my own thing, the gym etc, to see if she comes around? Or should I start this thing right away. If I need to start this how do I go about a starting it?

 

I'd wait until the very next time she cops attitude, acts distant, or seems irritated at your presence. Start with a a simple question "Are you ready to begin the process of fixing our relationship'? Her response will direct yours. If she scoffs, rolls eyes, or tosses out the timeless "I don't know..." tell her at that point "I do. Find somewhere to stay and I'll contact a paralegal to write our divorce. After we both agree to a settlement, we'll sign and file."

 

If she goes the other way, skip professional counseling in favor of a local non-denominational minister or elder. Contact them, and explain what is happening. Most will see you free of charge. Move on if they won't.

 

Word of caution; do not say, or do anything that you don't truly mean. Is this clear? This advice is not a ploy to manipulate or control, it's make-or-break. Do not waste another minute of your life giving her time. Do not.

 

No matter what she's done, your wife has the right of free will. Even if that freedom finds her destroying lives. By the same token, so do you. Most waywards believe their plight is much more profound. Show her that your options, decisions, motivation and future is just as important as hers.

 

Keep posting.

[hurts_so_bad]

I hear what your saying but! I moved back friday and we really havent spoken at all so there really isnt any attitude. Also isnt that method exact opposite of the 180? You also mention to not do anything i truely dont want to do...I truely dont want to divorce her (atleast not yet) so how can I start a divorce proceeding? Just as a threat to her too see if she wakes up? Thats pretty bold and ballzie!

[Lostinlife4now]

Hi, I am recently seperated and need some good advice. Long story short, I am married for 17 years and have 3 children. During the course of our marriage I was a real F up! I was a hard working but also struggled with drinking a few times a week and bad gambling now and then which led to many many nights not coming home to my wife and kids...I also ened up with 3 DWi convictions which cost us thousands and had to spend soe weekeds in jail. After all this she still stood with me but as time passed, slowly I found that my wife was being more distant. We would fool around but not really romantically. Late last year she had a few friends who had broken up with their husbands and long term boyfriends. Afterwards it was a I am going out with the girls thing now and then. Then it became every weekend to the point where I started following her and things to that effect. I never caught her with any guys but she was out and it and I wondered why she needed this. Mid December I wrote her a nice letter statig how much of a idiot I was and I will be a better man. She responded with her letter stating she did love me ut took her love away and if I wanted it back I needed to show her I changed. Needless to say this was a very hard obsticle because at this point she was already going out with her friends every weeked and in order for me to change I needed her to stay home with me or do soething with e ad the kids on a saturday instead of being with her girlfriends. That never happened. She continued goig out and I got very discouraged and started going out the next day till it pretty much becae a tit for tat thing. One night she goes out, the next night I go out.. Anyway, About a month ago she tells me she is no longer in love ad wants a seperation. I am crushed but say I understand and moved out two weeks ago. No here is where it hurts! On valentines day I go to the house to see my kids..I bring frowers ad cards for everyone includig her telling her I love her. I then left before she came home. When she got home she seen the cards and flowers and said, That was very thoughful of you, Im glad you got to see the kids! I do love you and will always love you. I just dont know where my head is right now. The next day I call her and I try to push my way back on Sunday saying maybe I can coe up Sunday stay with the kids and sleep ver on the couch. She replied, " I dont know, Lets see" By Friday I didnt hear from her. She texts me friday night and says, " about Sunday, I dont think its a good idea and I still dont know where my head is" I was a bit drunk and text her back, I have every right to see my kids as you do! I am coming up no matter what you say! She replies. ok! Sunday I go up there and I am snooping. I find a valentines day card in her car to another man. It was still sealed and never given to him cause by now its almost a week later. It wasnt very detailed just saying that to her sexy man, I am crazy about you and I miss you when you arent around. Needless to say I went nuts. Threw the card in her face, called her every name in the book etc...even posted something really bad on her facebook page! Hours later when I got back to where I am staying I call her. She gets on the phone and we did talk civil. I said I am very sorry for acting like a nut but it just hurt so bad! Afterwards I brought up that I think its time for a divorce figuring I would show her! She told me, I am not in any rush but thinks it is time. Since that point we have text back and forth a few times. A few were nice and a few were colder. The last one she text me about the bills in the household not gettig paid. I totally turned the tide and made it into a nice conversation instead of a argument.We laughed a little and by the end of the conversation we agreed that I can come see the kids tomorrow. She mentioned that the clothes dryer has een giving her trouble. I said I would check it out for her only if she made me a steak..She laughed and said I will make you dinner but not be able to afford steak! I said if thats the case I will buy the steak. She said ok.....My question is do you think I have a way back into her heart? because she agreed to make me diner do you think she may miss me? I am really scared especially that the card says she was crazy about him. I truely love her and I am not a bad guy just a F up..But I have changed that this past week and yes, I know thats not long! I have been going to the gym, I already lost 10 pounds and most of my beer belly is gone. I must say I look 50% better and feel that much better and vow to myself not to drink again! I am so scared to death that I am going to get a text tonight saying she changed her mind or if when I get there she decides to go out after dinner with her friends! I know it should be all about the kids and me seeing them but I cannot get my mind off this! If anyone has some words or encouragement I would realy appreciate it!

 

 

Hi hurtsobad!!!

 

While I do feel bad for you....

 

You sound like my ex-husband....Notice I said X.....I had enough in ten years that I was with him. Now I am divorced and SOOOOO Happy.

 

You really put your W through alot of BS.....Can you blame her for wanting to find some peace and happiness somewhere else? And what about your Kids??? Come on grow up and STOP DRINKING...and 3 DUI's....I would have kicked you out after the 1st one. I would say you are pretty lucky that you have had your wife as long as you did.

 

We all have had rough roads......I buried an 8-year old son unexpectedly due to an undetected brain tumor.....AND I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC AND DO NOT DO DRUGS.....so lets' stop putting the blame on everyone else!!! GET A GRIP!!!!

[Lostinlife4now]

So your W is doing her own thing... You already knew that.

 

You knew she wanted a divorce - why are you acting surprised? Come on- be real here.

 

She's distracted by some hot young guy... And you think her selfish a$$ is gonna stop and think about how YOU feel? No no no - she's in the affair fog and wants to pretend like you don't exist... Because she's too focused on young guy.

 

Start being so busy that you don't notice what she is or isn't doing.

 

You do have a right to be in the house... Just act like she doesn't live there.

 

She wants a divorce? Go file! Seriously!

 

 

And bad cop? Sheez, when did my truth and experience become the bad cop?

 

I post to try to be helpful - but if YOU aren't even willing to HELP YOURSELF - just let me know so I don't waste time and energy if you don't intend to invoke change into your life on a daily basis...

 

2Sunny....I don't think you are the bad cop....I actually like you and hear what you are saying!!!!! Been there done that can offer alot of expert advice!!!!!

[hurts_so_bad]

Hi hurtsobad!!!

 

While I do feel bad for you....

 

You sound like my ex-husband....Notice I said X.....I had enough in ten years that I was with him. Now I am divorced and SOOOOO Happy.

 

You really put your W through alot of BS.....Can you blame her for wanting to find some peace and happiness somewhere else? And what about your Kids??? Come on grow up and STOP DRINKING...and 3 DUI's....I would have kicked you out after the 1st one. I would say you are pretty lucky that you have had your wife as long as you did.

 

We all have had rough roads......I buried an 8-year old son unexpectedly due to an undetected brain tumor.....AND I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC AND DO NOT DO DRUGS.....so lets' stop putting the blame on everyone else!!! GET A GRIP!!!!

 

Hi

no one is putting the blame on anyone...if you check my posts I have been in a way defending her. I know I ****ed up! There is no doubt about it!

i just want to reconcile with her. I am near a month sober now and plan on staying that way! In less than a month, I look in the mirror and see a new man. A man who has lost 15 pounds, looks great and feels great! I dont want to lose that again. I also want my wife or future wife to look at a man that she is proud of! Not a big gut beer belly guy who cant see his you know what...So I am not passing the blame on anyone but myself...I am 85% to her 15% wrong here. I know that.

[hurts_so_bad]

yes and i wouldn`t recommend it because you don`t want a divorce. What if she calls your bluff and says ` ok fine, go get the papers and i`ll sign them`

 

Would you? could you?

Only do this if you 100% mean it and will back up your claim with action, cos if you don`t she will see you as being a wimp that just makes idle threats

 

Exactly and I dont want to be a wimp! not in her eyes atleast! even so I feel like such a woos now! lol...

[Steadfast]

i just want to reconcile with her.

 

Then you have no choice but to wait it out.

 

I stand by everything I wrote 100%. The waiting game is for fools, but like many men you see your past as a hindrance to demand better now. When someone feels they 'have it coming' making healthy choices is impossible.

 

Hindsight is 20-20. You should have considered this. No one escapes the consequences of their actions. What's the old saying? Those that can't do, teach.

 

You have made the decision to turn your future over to circumstance. Personally, I do not blame you, but understand what you're getting.

 

Good luck.

[hurts_so_bad]

Then you have no choice but to wait it out.

 

I stand by everything I wrote 100%. The waiting game is for fools, but like many men you see your past as a hindrance to demand better now. When someone feels they 'have it coming' making healthy choices is impossible.

 

Hindsight is 20-20. You should have considered this. No one escapes the consequences of their actions. What's the old saying? Those that can't do, teach.

 

You have made the decision to turn your future over to circumstance. Personally, I do not blame you, but understand what you're getting.

 

Good luck.

 

 

I understand your point believe me I do! And I tell you it wont take me long to be gone if I feel I am being played a fool. Its just that I am getting tons of different advice. At this point I have to stick with something or I will drive myself nuts! I moved out a month ago as mentioned in my first post and it was only Thursday that it was picked up on and I was told MOVE BACK! Your a DOPE! etc etc....Its your house too!

 

So I moved back Friday..At this point now what? Just file for a divorce that I dont really want! Believe me this all hurts but with all the BS I put her threw for 17 years this is nothing in comparison. 3 DWI convictions, staying out all night probably atleast once a week, gambling tens of thousands, her finding me at strip clubs, The list goes on!

 

That doesnt mean I am not going to sit back forever and be made a dope either. I will give it a little time and if it doesnt play the way I want it I will do what I have to do. she has been home everyday since I got here. Maybe it means something maybe not but I cant imagine it being such a great IN LOVE relationship if your seeing the person at work and not afterwards almost everyday. Most of the time people who are falling in love want to see eachother as often as possible especially when its new. I know things can happen at work but its a auto parts store, Not like a closed office!

[standtall]

 

That doesnt mean I am not going to sit back forever and be made a dope either.

 

In less than a month, I look in the mirror and see a new man. A man who has lost 15 pounds, looks great and feels great! I dont want to lose that again. I also want my wife or future wife to look at a man that she is proud of! Not a big gut beer belly guy who cant see his you know what

 

HSB, those 2 facts alone will get you more respect from her than any words you can possibly say...what you're doing is action, but it takes time. I've been reading this thread daily, and didn't give you much of a chance in the beginning, but you're doing good. Keep it up!

[2sunny]

Ok. So it looks like you have your mind made up and you have your plan.

 

I suppose we are finished helping then.

 

I wish you well, my friend.

[hurts_so_bad]

This thread has helped me out alot! not only with advice but too get stuff off my chest. I thank everyone who has posted and gave advice. I will keep you all posted!

Thanks again!

[hurts_so_bad]

This is getting hard. didnt think it would be so hard to keep my mouth shut but it is! I dont even know if she is still with this guy or exactly what the hell went on but whenever she is texting I think she is talking to him and I know she has a Atlantic city trip planned for next weekend. I hope its not with him...I know she goes with her friend so its probably her but this is making me nuts! As someone said, I dont think this is healthy! I dont know how you guys that are in my situation do it!

 

I have been keeping myself busy, gym reading etc...and its all thats on my mind! been smoking like a chimney too! I may give it another week then file for divorce.

 

Any advice?