recently seperated and need

[hurts_so_bad]

post 2....

 

I came home yesterday and told her exactly what I said I would...You are behind in Bills, You cant afford the house without me but I can without you, You dont want to lose the house and have to uproot the kids. So, I am back. I will take care of the house and kids. You have to go right away! I dont want to live with a cheater. Now her story changed! I never said I wanted to move just that I cant afford the bills....I would need some time to save money for an apartment anyway. I told her, Stay at one of your three girlfriends houses rent free for a while and you can save the cash for the apartment quick!

 

She says, I dont want to live at someone elses house...I said, I didnt either but did! All of a sudden after that she was paying attention to every word that came out of my mouth, she was attentive etc....She had plans to go to her friends house yesterday and left with my 2 daughters to go in her hot tub. I said we will talk some more when you get home. She said sounds good. Then she never came home! lol....I dont get this girl!

[Guitarjeff]

Don't sweat it. You did the PERFECT THING. If she had some plan to stab you in the back by filing against you or saying you ran off, you may be forcing her to act before she wanted. If she is now hit with the reality that you no longer are her door mat, then she may be finally getting the picture that this is all real and she is about to lose her family for real, and she will be without you in her life. Didn't i tell you that "NO ONE LIKES TO BE DUMPED".

 

For the first time, she now realizes that YOU ARE THE ONE DOING THE DUMPING!!! She doesn't like that, as you saw. Now she wants to pay attention to you. She didn't come home either because she is talking it out with her friend, worried about it, or that she decided she doesn't care, but that's just it. If she doesn't care, then like I said, you have already started moving on and you are going to spend the least amount of time in the pain, get it?

 

I also said that this is also your best chance of getting your family back, and it is. So either way, you will be taking the fastest road out of this pain depending on what she wants. Your objective is getting the best future situation for yourself and your kids PERIOD!!!

 

Now, she may have been planning to file, nail you with child support and alimony and make you pay for the house while she lives there with the kids. Isn't that a great plan for her? Don't let that happen to you. Imagine having to live in some dive apartment while you have to pay her hundreds and hundreds a month while she gets the home and kids. That would be the worst outcome for you. this is why you must be smart, act fast, use tactics, use her feelings for her boy toy against her so help set your future up with you and your kids. Do not hesitate, or you will be the one getting screwed. We are talking about your situation for years to come, your relationship to your kids, forever. Don't screw around, you must take this seriously and not let your hurt emotions guide you in to hell.

 

If you try to nice her back, you will be attempting to buy her love back, and you will pay a huge price, your kids will as well.

 

You did the perfect thing. But, make sure you ARE BEING NICE ABOUT IT.

 

You get her to move out and let you stay there with the kids by appealing to her guilt, her caring for you. You say, "look, you are the one that wants out, so obviously you are not hurting like I am" "I know you are not in love with me anymore, but I do believe you care about me and that you don't want to hurt me because we have a long history together. I am just saying that you will be allowing me to heal better and get through this pain by having the support of my children and it will give me something to concentrate on and will help me heal, and because you will do that for me, then I won't be bitter in any way, you can see the kids all you want, we will split custody, you can be free and enjoy relationships and I will never have bitter feelings toward you are never interfere with your relationship with our kids". "I am simply asking you, as a friend, as someone who has gone through a lot of life with you to allow me to live here in the house with the kids so that I can have the support they give and in turn i can concentrate on giving them extra love that will also help them get through this" I promise, no trouble from me, no bitterness, no arguing, you will be free to live aned explore your life and you will only find support from me as a friend, and that's it".

 

See, you appeal to her care for you, not her love, you are not asking her to love you again, you are just asking her to just set things up so that you have the support of the kids and that you will be able to share this break up with the kids and give them extra love and support, and by doing that, you will also get their support.

 

You should help her get in to an apartment. Borrow the damn money from your parents if you have to. The main objective is to get her out and you living with the kids in that house. If she can't afford it then offer to loan her the money and she can pay you back when she can afford it.

 

Don't sit there in pain and hope she will love you and want you back, only to let it cost you BIG TIME for the future. Do you want to be paying for that house while she and her boy toy have your kids and are sitting around there enjoying their weekends in a house you are paying for?

 

If you don't use her feelings for the boy toy, her desire for freedom against her, then she will simply use your hurt emotions and wishes to have her love back AGAINST YOU!! Tell me, which would be better for your kids and your future, her acting first and using your pain to mold the future situation, or you using her feelings and desire for freedom to mold the future situation?

 

For the first time, YOU ARE DOING THE DUMPING, feels good, doesn't it? felt good when all of a sudden she was attentive. She was respectful, she wanted to talk. NO ONE LIKES BEING DUMPED, and now who is being dumped, HER!!! She doesn't like that, it's new to her for you to be doing the dumping. How dare you think of being happy without her, how dare you decide you want a life without her. She doesn't like that feeling any better than you do.

 

You must see and act beyond your hurt emotions, or they will MAKE YOU SIT AND WAIT while she strikes first, and you end up on the losing end for the future, DO NOT DO THIS. But use tact, be nice, use her guilt for the affair, use her feeling for the boy toy, use her feelings of friendship and caring for you. I promise, one day when the pain subsides, you will be blown away at how smart you were and how you had set yourself up for the future and didn't let yourself be made a fool of. It is SUCH A GOOD FEELING!!!!

[hurts_so_bad]

not working out the way I hoped! She is now saying she doesnt want to leave the kids and the kids changed their minds saying if she is going they want to go with her! Geez! This girl is driving me nuts! We are talking and getting along and Im being super happy and cheerful but I know its a matter of time before she says she wants to take me back to Brooklyn to stay there again. I really dont want to fight with her and I definitely dont want to watch her get all dressed up to go out leaving me here with the kids! This is bullshhit! and if its what the 180 says to do it really sucks! I am not a patient person! Its either stay here and be miserable or leave and get over all this ****!

[Guitarjeff]

If you take off again, you will probably end up paying for it mightily in the future. Tell her you will share the bed, one week for you, one for her, tell her she will stay home with the kids the same number of nights you do. Then, file for divorce. You can always undo it, but filing will really make the reality of the situation hit her, and it will also give you a direction and goal to get your new life started.

 

File for divorce, then let her know that you have before she gets served. Tell her you want to sell the house because you are not paying for something that you don't live in. She will use your weakness against you, even if it isn't a conscious action on her part, your pain and weakness will invite disaster for you, so you must stand up to this situation. Filing for divorce will actually give you strength, even if it doesn't feel like it would right now. It will install a new goal for your life, and you will naturally begin following a new path, and at the same time you will be loading some serious reality on to her world,

 

Sorry to hear about your kids. My ex was more interested in being free than being a mother, so i used that to my advantage. Even if you can't, you must not allow your pain and desire to have your family back to set you up to be a sucker.

 

Expose her affair, find a way to let this guys girlfriend know, let her parents know about it. Affairs thrive in the dark, turn the light on and they scatter like roaches. This guy will probably dump her quick once this gets out.

[hurts_so_bad]

I hear ya but every damb thing costs money that we dont have right now! I got the divorce papers and ended up throwing them in the garbage! It was like chinese! I would definitely need a lawyer and like I said, "cant afford it" She says she doesnt want a divorce. She isnt looking to get married right away and I do believe her. I know her for a long time and even so the **** she did wrong sucks! I dont think she is the type to try and take me for a ride! She also cant afford a lawyer either. I did tell her yesterday which coop (If he is still with us) would be proud of! I told her yesterday evening "I am not sleeping on the couch" I am sleeping in my bed! She gave me some **** and I told her tough! You can sleep on the couch or in one of the kids beds...I went to bed around 9:45pm...She came into bed around 11:30pm...I might not be able to do all you are saying cause of cash circumstances but I am not showing her that I am the man and I am not living by her rules!

[Guitarjeff]

That's good so far, but that seems like an empty life. So she will sleep in the same bed as you, have no sexual contact with you, and have sex outside the marriage, but wants to stay married to you? You will pay the bills there in order to sleep next to a woman that may have been making with her boy toy the night before, and that will be your normal life for the foreseeable future with no immediate plans to straighten it out?

 

If you can accept this as your situation, then I applaud you, but I think you should be ready for a long roller coaster ride of pain and misery that is going to last far far longer than need be.

 

Good luck to you.

[2sunny]

I hear ya but every damb thing costs money that we dont have right now! I got the divorce papers and ended up throwing them in the garbage! It was like chinese! I would definitely need a lawyer and like I said, "cant afford it" She says she doesnt want a divorce. She isnt looking to get married right away and I do believe her. I know her for a long time and even so the **** she did wrong sucks! I dont think she is the type to try and take me for a ride! She also cant afford a lawyer either. I did tell her yesterday which coop (If he is still with us) would be proud of! I told her yesterday evening "I am not sleeping on the couch" I am sleeping in my bed! She gave me some **** and I told her tough! You can sleep on the couch or in one of the kids beds...I went to bed around 9:45pm...She came into bed around 11:30pm...I might not be able to do all you are saying cause of cash circumstances but I am not showing her that I am the man and I am not living by her rules!

 

Seriously? She came into bed after challenging you every which way - and YOU didn't kick her out?

 

And you HAD the divorce papers but threw them out because (yes, it has questions you have to answer) it was difficult to make sense? Why throw them out? Why not meet with the legal aid people at the courthouse to explain it all to you - that is what they are there for!

 

With all the excuses you seem to come up with - I'm beginning to think this can't be real.

 

Good luck.

[hurts_so_bad]

I know I am all over coop cause my brain and heart are all over the place! One day I feel great the next like ****! Today is a **** day! I dont want a divorce but I feel like kicking her head in when I think about things! We have been getting along nice but there is still no real love involved. I dont know whether to treat her like **** and tell her I hate her f**cking guts or just act happy the way I have been. I feel like if I act happy I am saying whats going on is all fine with me! If I tell her I hate her guts and walk she may respect it more! I dont know what to do! so damb confused! I do know she hasnt been running around with this guy that often if at all cause Ive been back since Saturday and she has been home...I dont know maybe it ended. Point is she still doesnt love me so why continue? I feel it may be more healthy just walking instead of putting myself threw all this **** and if I stick around she may hate me more! no?

[hurts_so_bad]

she hates you?

 

 

where the hell you get that from?

 

You know how i KNOW that you`re still drinking??

 

Cos i`ve been there done that.

 

I see the signs.

 

Your up and down has nothing to do with your marriage has it?

 

I gave you the benfit of the doubt earlier.

 

Your an alcoholic.

 

You dont quit it JUST like you say you have

 

BS your wife all you like, Why BS us on here?

 

what are you talking about coop? I am not drinking and I never said she hates e..I said I soetimes feel like telling her I hate her guts..Thats all. I never said she hates me. I am not BS'in anybody. I am as sober as a nun sitting at my computer!

[hurts_so_bad]

oh ok, yeah I meant that if I stay she may hate me more! No I am not saying those things to her. We are actually getting along but I feel like the nicer I am the more she feels I like being treated like a moron! I sometimes wonder if I told her what I really felt she may respect it more....I know what the 180 says! Its tough though! Its only been 6 weeks so I kow you are right! I just feel like yeah she has things against me and my past but she did wrog to and why does she have the right to think bad of me after what she has done?

[hurts_so_bad]

I guess in her head she feels like she has been wronged too huh?

[hurts_so_bad]

guess its a bit of both...Why do you say to forget the 180? guess thats what people on here lived by?

[Guitarjeff]

If you have no plan of action and no concept of what you want or what you will or won't accept, then you are simply drifting with no direction, which is the worst thing you can possibly do. Coop, sorry, but you are giving this guys some DUMB advice. Basically, you are telling him to be a door mat. You are telling him to wallow in a pit of uncertainty with no goals, no thoughts on the future, and no self respect.

 

Hurtsw so bad, file for divorce, or tell me what the alternative is? You have already just admitted that you don't know if you are coming or going, don't know if you should be nice, be mad, walk out, stay, ----on and on. You feel like this BECAUSE THERE IS NO OTHER RATIONAL ANSWER to your questions because you are putting yourself in an impossible situation.

 

Take command and file for divorce, she has had an affair and is probably still in it. She works with the guy, you are going to live with that? Come on, you don't know what to do because there IS NO WAY to no what to do in an impossible situation like you are putting yourself in.

 

Take command, or she will, it's that simple. Tell me which would be better for you and your future? Coop seems to think you are drinking, and i don't see it at all. He is the one that seems like he's drinking, back and forth, no real concrete advice, no steps forward, no realanswers that will give you some direction.

 

 

 

 

 

that a question or a statement?

[Guitarjeff]

His wife has already admitted to screwing someone else. I have yet to see a betrayed spouse ever really be happy after that. It's like a cancer, eating away forever. Some people are too weak to start their new life, so they try to substantiate their decision to stay by saying they are happy and they are glad they did. I see most back a long time later after finally facing that it's nothing but a cancer that eats at your soul.

 

His best bet is to start a new life, not wallow in misery until she takes the first move.

 

 

lived by, died by!!

 

Everyone told me this in my thread, i took what i needed, and used what i needed, in my situation.

 

And now my wife no longer wants a divorce, But that still not good enough for some on here!!!!

 

You got a chance of saving your marriage.

 

 

Do you want to or not?... Or you just going to be another russel???

[hurts_so_bad]

guys dont argue over this BS! Its my problem and my life! I will deal with it my way. I am taking a bit of everyones advice...In cases you are both right..For now, I am getting the **** out of dodge! **** her! Let her live there with the kids. I love my kids and will see them every week but I dont want to look at her when I a in a certain frame of mind. I especially dont want to see her getting dressed and going out. Its not healthy for me nor the kids if I start fighting with her over going out.

 

I will not be able to control my temper if I see that and I know we will argue!

 

Maybe she really needs to miss me for a while. Since we are seperated we have kept contact atleast once to twice a week. This time I need to end it all together. I will pay the child support but thats all she is going to get. I cant afford a divorce even if I wanted one...If you see the NY paperwork, Its a nightmare! Its not cut and dry! A lawyer is needed. I love the women but hate her at the same time!

 

I am going to leave it out of my hads now..Maybe with any luck I will meet another women that will treat me right. If not maybe one day the wife and I can salvage something. I dont know. The way I feel right now I kinda hope I meet someone so I can tell her to go **** herself..

[Jstub]

guys dont argue over this BS! Its my problem and my life! I will deal with it my way. I am taking a bit of everyones advice...In cases you are both right..For now, I am getting the **** out of dodge! **** her! Let her live there with the kids. I love my kids and will see them every week but I dont want to look at her when I a in a certain frame of mind. I especially dont want to see her getting dressed and going out. Its not healthy for me nor the kids if I start fighting with her over going out.

 

I will not be able to control my temper if I see that and I know we will argue!

 

Maybe she really needs to miss me for a while. Since we are seperated we have kept contact atleast once to twice a week. This time I need to end it all together. I will pay the child support but thats all she is going to get. I cant afford a divorce even if I wanted one...If you see the NY paperwork, Its a nightmare! Its not cut and dry! A lawyer is needed. I love the women but hate her at the same time!

 

I am going to leave it out of my hads now..Maybe with any luck I will meet another women that will treat me right. If not maybe one day the wife and I can salvage something. I dont know. The way I feel right now I kinda hope I meet someone so I can tell her to go **** herself..

 

I know it would be nice, but that is not the solution.

[Guitarjeff]

"DUMB advice.??"

 

Yes

 

"This is an open forum isn`t it?"

 

Yes

 

"I have never slated anyones advice let along called it " DUMB"."

 

So?

 

"maybe you should re-read the "advice" i have given him because no way along the line have i ever said, or implied for him, to be a "doormat""

 

 

Telling him to sit around and wait is the same thing. Why don't you condense what your advice to him is right here then? All you seem to be doing is accusing him of still drinking, I never got one bit of feeling that he was still drinking and don't see where you would get that. Anyway, clear it up for me, give me a few concrete, direct steps for him to follow, with real actions, and show us how your advice protects him in the future and doesn't open him up to get nailed with alimony, child support, while she ends up with the house and kids and he pays for her to have her boy toy over.

 

"AS FOR THIS " He is the one that seems like he's drinking, back and forth, no real concrete advice, no steps forward, no realanswers that will give you some direction"

 

"How dare you?"

 

How dare I what, tell the truth? Sorry, sometimes the truth hurts, that doesn't make it untrue.

 

"Who the hell are you to judge what i can and can`t do????"

 

Can and can't do? get your reasoning skills straight. I didn't say you COULDN'T give the dumb advice, I just called it dumb because, well that's the truth. Telling him to wait around and try to save a marriage where she is screwing another guy and lets her control the situation is only going to cause him MUCH worse misery than he is already in.

 

 

This isn`t about me!!!!

 

"I`M trying to save the OP`s marriage, The only advice YOU can give is get a divorce??"

 

yep, and his wife is screwing someone else and you telling him to make his marriage more important than his own future is silly. Most marriages where infidelity has happened are nothing but misery, and the only ones staying in them are in them simply because they are too weak to move on, So they live in the hell. They can't admit that, of course, so they try to say they are happy and wonderful.

 

Thats the solution to it eh?

[hurts_so_bad]

guys, I am just going to let the chips fall where they will. I need to leave the house tomorrow or things will get real bad and I dont want the kids to see that. I would tell her to get the **** out but I know the kids will want to go with her being mom was home with them most of the time cause I worked and she didnt. Also, I have to be up at 4:30am each morning to catch a bus to the city and my kids will not get up o their own. So there will be no one there to wake them each morning for school even if they did stay.

 

I am just going to think positive that something good will come out of this. Divorce is out of the question for now being I cant afford the lawyer and it will probably cost me more then I am paying now anyway.

 

I am in hopes that one day she will wake up. I do love her but hate her at the same time and kind of hope that maybe I meet someone so that when/if the day comes THE WIFE wants me back I can tell her to stick it!

 

The wife is going to drive me to Brooklyn tomorrow. I really want to tell her how much I hate her for what she has done. I am asking you guys, What makes me look stronger and care less? If I tell her off or if I just act happy like I have been doing.

 

I am stuck on which way to act! Im thinking if I tell her off that I will look stronger as if I dont care what she thinks. If I act happy may make me look weak and that I am just accepting everything. On the other hand it could be taken the opposite way either way I act I guess.

 

Let me know what you guys think. I gotta get up real early so pease reply asap..

Thanks guys!

 

PS...didnt want to see u guys arguing about this ****!

[trippi1432]

Here's an idea and some constructive advice....

 

Think about what your instincts tell you...................and then do the opposite.

[hurts_so_bad]

well my instincts tell me to curse her ass out so I guess I should be nice huh? I guess thats the best way to show I am moving on! I am and want too its just a slow process! If I can just get her out of my head! day by day I guess! Thing that hurts the most is my pride!

[Guitarjeff]

ACT INDIFFERENT, How about that? Not happy, not sad, not angry, not joyous. just act with a balanced demeanor. Don't say anything, but don't be mean or angry. just get lost in yourself, your thoughts, your future. The opposite of love is INDIFFERENCE!!!

[hurts_so_bad]

Well we have been being nice to eachother. Today is a good day for me so I think it should be easy. when I get home I think I'm going to take a walk to her job to escort her out and at the same time look this ******* right in his eyes!

[standtall]

I'm going to take a walk to her job to escort her out and at the same time look this ******* right in his eyes!

 

Bring bail money.

[worldgonewrong]

Bring bail money.

 

bahahahhaha!

hilarious!

[hurts_so_bad]

well she drove me to Brooklyn and we talked nice for a bit then argued over gas money after I just put $40 in her tank! When she got here I gave her $20 more for gas and told her to get the F*** out of here!

 

I am done being nice to a stupid B***h no matter how much it hurts!