recently seperated and need

[dreamingoftigers]

hey DOT

Just want to let you know that she has mentioned on more than one occasion to friends and mine that she is done with me but afterwards mentioned that maybe we will work things out in the future. So I think she is quite confused on what she wants. We sat down last week to talk about our taxes and she mentioned, Who knows maybe we will be back together by next year. I also just looked threw my phone and I see we have been talking everyday via text or on the phone since Wed. Sometimes its me and sometimes its her who initiate it. I need to put a end to this! I really do! There is no way she is going to miss me or feel that maybe I moved on if we are readily available to talk everyday!

 

DOT what do you think of that text she sent me last Friday? The one with the pic of her ass and telling me to kiss it? Do you think that was just a wise ass remark or do you think she did it possible ecause she was thinking of me?

 

She's clearly not 100% either way.

 

The relationship I had with my h got embarrassing because I'd be saying "I'm done, we are over completely, I am just going to move on with my life." then we'd spend the weekend together or something.

 

In October I gave up completely because he just wasn't listening to me at all and it seemed pretty damn over. He was starting a new life in another city. One time he asked me to move up their with our daughter and just live separately. Jeez.

 

If she's yanking that chain still, she's as confused as you've been.

 

You don't let the confused person lead the relationship. She'll drive you all over the map.

 

For me it took months of not allowing him to treat me like garbage while bit reacting and blowing up about it while he figured things out. I stopped trying to push or fix things and I gave him lots of space. I stopped responding to every communique.

 

The hardest thing is not reacting. Sometimes you just want to hit your head against the wall in frustration.

[LifesontheUp]

Why would you want someone who is treating you like this back? Your wife only contacted you when she wanted you to fix things she couldn't. She is selfishly keeping you with the odd bit of hope in case her toy boy doesn't work out.

 

I fully understand how hard it is to let go but you have to do it for you.

[hurts_so_bad]

She's clearly not 100% either way.

 

The relationship I had with my h got embarrassing because I'd be saying "I'm done, we are over completely, I am just going to move on with my life." then we'd spend the weekend together or something.

 

In October I gave up completely because he just wasn't listening to me at all and it seemed pretty damn over. He was starting a new life in another city. One time he asked me to move up their with our daughter and just live separately. Jeez.

 

If she's yanking that chain still, she's as confused as you've been.

 

You don't let the confused person lead the relationship. She'll drive you all over the map.

 

For me it took months of not allowing him to treat me like garbage while bit reacting and blowing up about it while he figured things out. I stopped trying to push or fix things and I gave him lots of space. I stopped responding to every communique.

 

The hardest thing is not reacting. Sometimes you just want to hit your head against the wall in frustration.

 

Well thats what I did last week when she sent the pic of her ass to me telling me too kiss it! I didnt respond or react till I had to go and see the kids on Wed...Thats when I asked her what she has been up too aside for sending me pics of her ass..She laughed and said "you deserved it!" cause we had an argument that Wed and I told her to kiss my ass.. I dot knnow whats going on with her honestly!

 

This girl has had 2 heart surgeries in the past 5 years, she just lost her younger sister last year and there was something else that I cant mention that happened in her family early this year. I think she has kinda goe off the deep end!

 

Anyway DOT, I cant seem to get a straight answer off coop. He just tells e I a doing everything wrong without explaining what.What do you believe should be my next move? complete communication cut off? Its kinda hard with the kids but I can do it the best I can.

 

Anything else? No marriage counselling cause I dont want to ask her about it in fear she will say no and that will only put me out there again...

[trippi1432]

Hurts - I could write a book on great posts you have gotten here on what direction to take....if you want to know, go back and read every one of DOT's posts to you. Your situation is not a step by step direction. However, your reactions can keep making it one step forward and two steps back. Personally, I see you on the path to divorce unless you get a handle on your reactions.

 

For the record, I think your wife has as much hurt pride as you do Hurts, hence the text to kiss her a**. It's a tit for tat game just like when she was going out one night and you were going out the next night. I don't recall her contacting you to fix things...instead the children mentioned it...not sure who mentioned it today based on your post; however, I don't feel you did the wrong thing in getting your friend to look at the outlet for her. It takes you out of the picture and keeps it amicable.

 

Personally, I feel you and your wife need to learn the meaning of marriage if either of you want to make things work....that is being there for each other (and no, being there is not about sex), supporting each other emotionally, understanding each other, caring for each other's feelings....when those things are missing in a marriage, emotional affairs run rampant and I feel that is what your wife is guilty of more than anything. The only thing you have told us to date that makes it look physical was her telling you that she slept with him after you moved out...and honestly, I almost believe she lied about it to keep you at bay because she still isn't sure that you can honestly make any changes.

 

You and your wife have been on a bad path in your marriage for a long time, the only way to fix it is to unlearn what you have been doing that only gets a negative reaction.

 

The only other thing I can say Hurts is this from a quote you did on page one:

 

Do I have to play this role forever or will she have by this time started to respect me again. Cause if you have to play a game your whole life to keep someone, Is it really really worth it?

 

If you are faking or having to play a role you are not comfortable with to try and win her back...you will find out that you will lose again as positive changes were not made. The 180 is not just designed to get your wife back, it's designed to help you make positive changes in your life....things that are typically opposite of what you have been doing. If you have to play a "game" to keep someone, it's not worth it for either of you.

[2sunny]

Let's think of it this way...

 

You have caused her so much **** and heartache and disappointment over MANY years. She put up with it.

 

Now she wants a break from your **** you cause.

 

So you finally decide to behave like an adult.

 

And you expect her to forgive and forget ALL those horrible years. It doesn't work that way!

 

Get some patience! Seriously!

 

Stay sober and learn how to become a man. One she can count on that predictable and dependable.

 

It may take ten years for her to trust you - you can wait- SHE waited for you to grow up, YOU can wait too!

 

So sit back and be quiet - and start doing what's right!

 

She wants a break- from all your ****! So give her a break for gods sake, she earned it!

 

Leave her alone for a while!

[hurts_so_bad]

So the best idea for me is just to have as little contact as possible u guys think? That's what i will do. What else aside for being there for the kids? See I have a huge ego and its busted in a million pieces right now. I am afraid to be the nice guy too much cause I know there is a fine line between being nice and being used as a doormat. Many have asked whY i want. I want my wife, my life, and my kids back! Regardless of the past. Hers or mine. I want to start over with her fresh..... What are my best options right now? That's all I.need to know and I will do what I need to do. The match.com account is coming down tonight.

[2sunny]

Go to AA. Get a sponsor. Do the step work. It will help you with your ego problem if you do the steps correctly!

[hurts_so_bad]

I know this is off the topic but I have been thinking about it all day and have to ask. I am afraid she may have fallen for thus guy. From what I understand he is aleady involved with someone but I k ow how women can be! They tend to fall for guys they can't have! That's what I am afraid of! Just as she is now a challenge for me, he may be a challenge for her.....if that's the case is there any hope for her falling in love with me again? Like I said, I kow this is off topic right now. I am just curious.

[Jstub]

You have no guarantees whatsoever. Her relationship with this other guy may last a couple of months or a couple of years. Nothing you can do about it - if you try to pressure her, you will push her towards him more and more. Just let it be and live your own life. It could be that after she is done with her initial rush / hormone cocktail, she will get over it, or not - as i said, no guarantees. Good luck to you.

[elfman]

If she has fallen in love with "this guy" that is currently in another relationship too... well, then all you have to do is sit back, buy some popcorn, and watch the whole soap-opera that is about to unfold... It will be a huge trainwreck. HOWEVER, do not make "watching this movie" the center of your life... Go out, work out, get better, and throw the occasional vengeful peek and grin when it does not interfere with your regular routine.

 

Hope for the best for you bud...

E.

[hurts_so_bad]

think you guys would be happy to know that I closed my match.com account...You are all right..Its time for me too be by myself for a bit and sort my life out one day at a time, Find out what I like again and learn to love myself without the need of anyone elses approval. Just hope I can figure it out. Its been soooo long! I do know that I dont need a women in my life for that and many a times Ive been told, "you cant love anyone unless you love yourself first" Maybe thats where I went wrong my whole life!

 

 

If something happens in time with my wife or another than so be it. But Im not gonna go chasing anything anymore except for what I need to improve myself physically and mentally.

 

I will keep posting each day on how I am feeling and any status or draw backs. I like posting here and getting you guys/gals advice and opinions! Kept me kinda sane for the past 2 months! it helps to talk or in this case type!

 

speak to you guys soon!

[hurts_so_bad]

If she's texting and talking to you, you have an IN. she isn't going to chase you at this point.

 

It's been a bit since I read through the whole thread.

 

To review: in January she tells you that she is no longer in love and that she wants to separate, does she ask you to move or do you just move?

 

This is the prime opportunity to do the 180 Last Resort Technique.

 

So right now you are sitting in Limbo Land with neither one of you making a final move or a move to improve things between you, right?

 

And she's going out, having fun and you are paying for both homes.

 

How is your relationship with your kids? It seems like they are lost in the struggle.

 

I didnt even see this post DOT sorry...Yes I told her I would leave and I did. I am giving her child support thats it. She is paying the rest of the bills with her salary. Right now I am staying at my brother in laws apartment helping him out with the bills a bit. Its no struggle finacially for me at this point.

 

Yes I guess you would call it limbo..

 

The kids I dont know! My oldest is always out doing his thing with his friends and my girls only seem to be interested in free realms on the computer. They are acting as if nothing is goig on as far as I can see..

 

What is the 180 last resort technique? Is it the sae as the 180?

[hurts_so_bad]

Ok guys, Sunday (tax day) is my Bday. Go figure! Anyway, I have not received any invites to come up yet but I usually go up on Sundays to see the kids. If I dont get any invites it will hurt but I also have to figure that they may expect that I am coming up so may not offer any.

 

My question is..Should I go up at all? Want to see the kids but really dont want to see her. When I dont see her I am fine, well better anyway. When I do, I feel like I am back at square one! Its not really an option to see the kids without seeing her being I cant really take them anywhere due to my license situation. What should I do? Should I just not go?

 

I do see them every weekend.

[hurts_so_bad]

Let's think of it this way...

 

You have caused her so much **** and heartache and disappointment over MANY years. She put up with it.

 

Now she wants a break from your **** you cause.

 

So you finally decide to behave like an adult.

 

And you expect her to forgive and forget ALL those horrible years. It doesn't work that way!

 

Get some patience! Seriously!

 

Stay sober and learn how to become a man. One she can count on that predictable and dependable.

 

It may take ten years for her to trust you - you can wait- SHE waited for you to grow up, YOU can wait too!

 

So sit back and be quiet - and start doing what's right!

 

She wants a break- from all your ****! So give her a break for gods sake, she earned it!

 

Leave her alone for a while!

 

Thank You sunny! This post made me feel much better! seriously! It makes me realize that this is 90% my fault and that makes this entire thing easier to stomach! If I was the good guy the entire time I would feel like total crap! being most of you guys pointed out that this is mostly on me. Its easier to handle. Thats just the way I look at things! Guess its easier to know she had reasons rather than just screwing me for another guy!

[hurts_so_bad]

ok having a half way decent day...Still thinking of her all the time. Its been near two months is that too long? starting to feel obsessed! Still very confused as to what I should do with this entire deal. I know I screwed her over so many times in the past but I cant seem to get over her with another man! I love her and want her back bbut the question is can I get over this?

 

The oint is all mute if we never get back together anyway but I have a feeling in the future we will.

 

What do you guys think? I screwed her up with going out, getting arrested 3 times etc etc etc....Then she said she wasnt in love with me anymore after 17 years and found another. If we can work things out should I forgie this? Kind of feel like I would be a fool if I do! What do you think..

 

 

I know I ask many of the same questions but I just need to talk sometimes and hear opinions....

[coopster]

coops you talk about me with ups and downs...You should look at your posts to me! One day your the nicest guy in the world and the next you 180! WTF? I am calm...Just asking for advice and all your giving me is s**t! You tell me I need to do things, What I am doing isnt enough! When I ask what things? I get no answer just a smart ass remark!

 

 

you aren`t doing anything, you are asking the same things over and over.

[coopster]

Then what the hell are you doing up still? You need sleep no? I am not being selfish. Just defending myself here!

 

i didn`t have work the next day, so i was chilling

[coopster]

Nice real nice coops! Thanks but your opinions are no longer needed here.

 

you can ignore them

[coopster]

Pretty damn obvious that your still having problems coops.If its 2am and your still posting o these walls! You must just be mr.perfect!

 

No , i`m FAR from `perfect`... define `perfect` ??

 

I can post at whatever time i chose. IF i want to stay up all night, doing whatever i want at whatever time i want...i will...ok???

 

i`m an adult... i can do these things

[coopster]

ok having a half way decent day...Still thinking of her all the time. Its been near two months is that too long? starting to feel obsessed! Still very confused as to what I should do with this entire deal. I know I screwed her over so many times in the past but I cant seem to get over her with another man! I love her and want her back bbut the question is can I get over this?

 

The oint is all mute if we never get back together anyway but I have a feeling in the future we will.

 

What do you guys think? I screwed her up with going out, getting arrested 3 times etc etc etc....Then she said she wasnt in love with me anymore after 17 years and found another. If we can work things out should I forgie this? Kind of feel like I would be a fool if I do! What do you think..

 

 

I know I ask many of the same questions but I just need to talk sometimes and hear opinions....

 

But prolly NOT mine..but your`re going to get it anyway..

 

Again WHAT do YOU want to hear?

 

You just keep asking the same old questions again and again.

 

 

What do I think?... Same as before... same as everyone else .

 

THINK ABOUT YOU!!!!!

 

 

You said about the `onit` ?...IF you get back together..

 

Stop thinking liking that!!

 

"ok having a half way decent day...Still thinking of her all the time. Its been near two months is that too long? starting to feel obsessed!"

 

Too long for what??

 

starting to feel `obsessed`...about what?

 

 

I KNOW i can be a C**T sometimes with my replies.... but its because i CARE.

[elfman]

Ok guys, Sunday (tax day) is my Bday. Go figure! Anyway, I have not received any invites to come up yet but I usually go up on Sundays to see the kids. If I dont get any invites it will hurt but I also have to figure that they may expect that I am coming up so may not offer any.

 

My question is..Should I go up at all? Want to see the kids but really dont want to see her. When I dont see her I am fine, well better anyway. When I do, I feel like I am back at square one! Its not really an option to see the kids without seeing her being I cant really take them anywhere due to my license situation. What should I do? Should I just not go?

 

I do see them every weekend.

 

I do not know if this could work, but here's an idea: Write her an e-mail saying "Hello, as you know, my birthday is coming and I want to be with the kids, I have made plans to take them to xxxxx, I would kindly ask if you could have them ready for me by XX a.m"

 

Be reasonable, it is YOUR BIRTHDAY, why would you not give yourself a gift as simple as seeing and being with your kids if that's what you want? I would write her or call and be as short for words as possible. If you don't want to see her, ask her to have the kids ready very very early in the morning so she wants to go back to bed... like 6a.m

 

Happy birthday in advance buddy... hope you have a great time.

 

E.

[elfman]

Coopster... No... not pawns... he's saying he wants to be with his kids on his birthday. Is that a bad thing? Even murderers on death row get to see their kids... Pawns? No, you misunderstood... My advice is not about anything else other than what he asked in the quote I put above...

 

I am not a judge, simply putting forward an idea to accomplish the goal of letting the man be with his kids on his birthday. Jeez...

 

E.

[hurts_so_bad]

But prolly NOT mine..but your`re going to get it anyway..

 

Again WHAT do YOU want to hear?

 

You just keep asking the same old questions again and again.

 

 

What do I think?... Same as before... same as everyone else .

 

THINK ABOUT YOU!!!!!

 

 

You said about the `onit` ?...IF you get back together..

 

Stop thinking liking that!!

 

"ok having a half way decent day...Still thinking of her all the time. Its been near two months is that too long? starting to feel obsessed!"

 

Too long for what??

 

starting to feel `obsessed`...about what?

 

 

I KNOW i can be a C**T sometimes with my replies.... but its because i CARE.

 

Its ok coops! I love ya anyway, even so your a pain in my ass! lol...but I give it right back!

 

Too long as in should I be somewhat over this by now.. Its coming up on two months. Threw this entire ordeal I have only been able to cry for less then 30 secods maybe three times! Cant seem to let it out! obsessed about this whole ordeal.

 

 

Also bored as **** and the more bored the more I think! There is only so much I can work and work out in a day. Everything else I know was envolving drinking.Pool, darts, etc....None of that will work for me now!

[hurts_so_bad]

no no one said anything about her not letting me see the kids. I can go up anytime I want. Just want to try and avoid her. Every time I see her its back to square 1 for me!!! Its like impossible though being I cant drive so I have to see her. So I am thinking to just skip the entire visit..

 

 

I dot know maybe thats selfish on my part but it is MY birthday.

[hurts_so_bad]

I havent asked her anything. I thought it was the best thing not to mention anything about the relationship? Thats the advice I have been given and I am listening too it..I dont know what is going on with her and this guy if anything at this point.

 

Coops, I am just letting off steam and have to talk thats all...Im sure there were times you needed the same. Not every post I put up is going to make much sense to you or anyone else. Thats ok though. I am confused and still heartbroken.

 

All I ask for is advice on questions that I ask. Sometimes I need to hear things a few times....The last posts Trippi & Sunny gave I liked alot and I am trying to stick by giving her a break from my S**t as sunny put it.

 

Its just hard to deal with things at certain times and thats why I post here. To keep me somewhat sane and for hopefully some good insight and advice.

Thats all....