recently seperated and need

[worldgonewrong]

exactly!

[hurts_so_bad]

See that bolded part! Your chances just doubled!

 

That attitude right there is perfect! It shows that you are willing to accept what is beyond your control and still have gratitude for the things you have and have had.

 

That's great! That attitude is what wins at the end of the day when things look bleak.

 

Just keep in mind: CONSISTENCY

 

What chance DOT? The chances of gettig back with her? If so do you really think so? It still hurts to know I love her and seems she doesnt feel the same. Day by day I am able to control it better. The pain in the center of my chest is now gone and thats probably why its easier...It scares me to think she may hook up with someone who she really cares for and that pain will come back!

[NXS]

Yes I have found a few groups in the area that Ive been goig to a few nights a week. Its a bit rough to make them more frequent with my work out schedule and all...I uch rather work out but I know I need them both!

 

I am still a mess! I dot know if you seen my posting regarding the match.com thing but that kinda put a bad taste in my ouch after a niice day! I was as cool as I coud be, We laughed smiled at eachother, she hung around me aot believe it or not!

 

The match thing is just killing me though! I see some jackass gave her his number and both of their profiles are now private. I do see the last time they emailed eachother was the 4th of this month but he gave his number so who knows whats up!

 

Its just killing me! Its easier to handle now butits still botherig me!

 

Seriously you are making really good progress, whatever you're doing it's working for you. Sure, seeing the OLD site is going to put a dampner on the day however you played it cool and held yourself together. No big blowout, no heavy conversations, no begging, pleading etc... That's real progress and you shoud recognize it.

 

Try not to let your imagination take over and see the worst case scenario. You don't know if there's anything going on or if she's just looking for attention/emotional distraction. Giving out numbers doesn't really mean anything in the OLD world. I know it's easy to say but it's pointless getting worked up about things that you don't know for sure, even though the not knowing is probably the worst aspect of it.

 

Right now you're still kind of in a fog not knowing where you're going but that's ok. Just keep focusing on what's directly in front of you and moving and you'll eventually get to the other side.

[hurts_so_bad]

They say the anticipation of death is wore than death itself! The anticipation of her findig a new man and forgetting about me feels the same!

 

I read those books and they helped me alot to be positive but its so damn hard at this point in my life! Doing the best I can!

 

It might sound F**ked up and Ive been yelled at about it before but I just wish I can find a girl to keep me busy and bring my spirits up! Not looking for a permanent thing but someone to kill the pain!

 

Im probably gonna get yelled at again but thats ok...If she is dating around and cares less what I am doing how can it hurt?

 

I have no license to just take a 500 ile ride to forget things! I dont have my own place so I am living in a area where I basically have no friends, and I quit drinking taboot!

 

This is a bitch!

Edited April 17, 2012 by hurts_so_bad

[dreamingoftigers]

HSB: yes I think there is still a chance but you would need to go about it strategically. I also think the wife is trying out her "fun time" crap and it won't be all that it's cracked up to be.

 

For some reason, no one is moving towards divorce here. It's pretty clear she wants some kind of safety net/friendship at least but it can't last that way or be stable.

 

Just do you know: I don't give advice/recommendations based on what I would like to see happen to a relationship. I don't lecture you to move on or give up if YOU still want to be a family etc. If you want it, then I think (from my little armchair) "how can this happen?" if you want to cut your losses and try again then I think "how can this best be managed?"

 

But that being said: I have been through much darker times in my own marriage (sometimes not talking for weeks and me not knowing where he us at all) and it did pull through. Largely because I refused to throw in the towel when I "should have."

 

at this point you still have a relationship with your wife. Some things are broken, but perhaps some, if not all of those things can be slowly repaired.

 

I think largely women "are done when they are done" is because they don't respond to men trying 1. The same thing over and over and then 2. Intensifying the chase and getting frustrated when things don't work out.

 

We want to see something different and more mature from our partners, or maybe something more passionate. You can't fake it. Unfortunately the only way to go through it is to change it.

Edited April 17, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Reference to deleted post

[hurts_so_bad]

 

I think largely women "are done when they are done" is because they don't respond to men trying 1. The same thing over and over and then 2. Intensifying the chase and getting frustrated when things don't work out.

 

 

 

you kind of lost me her DOT.what do you mean?

 

Do you mean, women are done when they are done cause most times they dont respond well when men try by begging and pleading? Not sure what you meant exactly...

[hurts_so_bad]

sorry DOT! I know you have been telling me to get the book. I havet yet. Too be honest I am kind of reluctant. I mean whats it going to tell me that I dont already know? The 180 dont beg dont plead, dont chase, dont bring up the relationship, no gifts and the rest of it..Ive been doing this all for 2 weeks now and feel I am in the same boat. Not to doubt your opinion on the book cause Im by no means am doing that. But whats it going to tell me that can possibly work better?

[dreamingoftigers]

It has a whole bunch of stuff that is really helpful.

 

1. If I were to go through it point-by-point I could probably get dinged with copyright infringement.

 

2. It's a fair-sized book the contains more then the 180 Last Resort Technique.

If it only contained that, it would only be a page long.

 

It's kinda the basics from crawling up from rock-bottom in the marriage.

 

Perhaps another title would interest you?

 

I like The Relationship Cure by Gottman. But he isn't as specific about marriage in that one. It might be better used for fine-tuning.

[dreamingoftigers]

HSB fo you know how to PM?

[hurts_so_bad]

I never did look at the outlet today. This story is from about a week or so ago so the story is, The washer ad dryer stopped working. about two weeks ago. When I saw the wife Easter sunday at her moms she told me it wasnt working. I told her to have my friend jimmy look at it cause he is also an electrician. She never did. She told me last night she is afraid to have him do it cause she doesnt trust he really knows what he is doing cause he always called me for advice on jobs and stuff.

 

Anyway, She asked me last night to look at it if I can today I never did.I sort of forgot. Anyway, I am going back upstate to probation on Wednesday which I can look at it for her. I kinda dont want to in a way. I kida wanna just leave it alone at this point. I cant keep seeing her it gets me nuts!

 

I may have to even disappear off the radar from everyone till I feel I can handle seeing her without feeling this way the next day. Even when I get into the neighborhood my stomach turns!

 

 

What do you guys think think that would be a d**k move after her havng the small Bday party for me? I knew seeing her yesterday would send me for a loop today! Why the f**k doesnt she just tell me to go f**k myself and that would be the end of it!

[hurts_so_bad]

HSB fo you know how to PM?

 

I have no idea how to PM but if I need to learn I will.Why whats up? as for the book, If you think its a worthy investment for my time I will buy it. Just get down sometimes cause I feel I am wasting my time! Sorry!

[dreamingoftigers]

A lot of that is breakup pains. And betrayal pains.

 

I am not sure if it would be helpful or hurtful to let your wife know about that at this point.

 

A lot of men will suffer this in silence and then women think he didn't care that much anyways....

 

But it is hard to say whether or not your wife would view this as neediness at this point.

 

I don't think it would be a dick move. She just dumped you! A birthday party is kind of what she can do.

[dreamingoftigers]

You click the name above the avatar and it has a send a private message tab to people. Lots of people on here do it.

[hurts_so_bad]

You click the name above the avatar and it has a send a private message tab to people. Lots of people on here do it.

 

 

Ok DOT

I tried something and sent a essage back. Please let me know if you got it..HSB

[hurts_so_bad]

A lot of that is breakup pains. And betrayal pains.

 

I am not sure if it would be helpful or hurtful to let your wife know about that at this point.

 

A lot of men will suffer this in silence and then women think he didn't care that much anyways....

 

But it is hard to say whether or not your wife would view this as neediness at this point.

 

I don't think it would be a dick move. She just dumped you! A birthday party is kind of what she can do.

 

Hey DOT...She kows I care though. I have told her this on mmore than oe occasion so....

[hurts_so_bad]

still have a 1000 emotions running threw my veins and I am not sure which one to go with! I know I cant show her the hurt emotios but should I show her the pissed off ones. In other words not fixing the outlet! Sometimes being the nice guy finishes you last but at the same time she can take it as I am trying to get back at her.....

 

I feel if I am always there for her she is never goig to realize I am not anymore which makes it easy for someone to think I can have him back anytime I want. Which will land me here in limbo lad forever! Im tired ad pissed off with feelig this way!

 

Just want this damn pain to go away!

[dreamingoftigers]

I dont think that you should pop up there at her every beck and call.

 

I think that there should be more emphasis on the kids though. (I hate using "should")

 

Go up to see them and take them out more often then once a week. Try to set up a place where they can come to you too.

[hurts_so_bad]

I dont think that you should pop up there at her every beck and call.

 

I think that there should be more emphasis on the kids though. (I hate using "should")

 

Go up to see them and take them out more often then once a week. Try to set up a place where they can come to you too.

 

I know you are right BUT not having my license is a bit damper in that! Even if I go to see them I cant really take them anywhere. What to the kmart mall that is walking distance? Thats not taking them anywhere.

 

I need the damn license, Its in the works I hope! I sent a letter to the judge bout 2 weeks ago so I need to keep my fingers crossed on that!

[hurts_so_bad]

Guys please tell me if I am talking nonsense here! I need advice on what to do so I dont f**k up any good that has been done by me acting cool on my birthday....

 

I just feel like telling her and I still really hurt and dont want to see her anymore......In a way thats a lie and in a way its the truth...I do want to see her but only if we were to get back together. I dot want to see her if we are not and I catch these feelings again!

 

Or should I say nothing?

[hurts_so_bad]

sorry guys! my head was all over the place earlier! Just took a shower and I am thinking a bit clearer now. I am going to fix the outlet for her tomorrow regardless of whether it helps me with a way back in or not. I have to stop thinking of myself and what I want for once. I just thought of all the **** I ut this girl threw and I realize that she is a bigger victim in all this than I am!

 

4 arrests threw the years, Alchohol abuse, not coming home many nights, gambling, arguments, probation, her driving me everywhere, etc etc etc.......

 

I thought of it all and I now feel bad for her! I should be thankful she spent so many years with me with what I put her threw!

 

right wrong or indifferent, I am ging up tomorrow to whether it helps or hurts my situation! I feel like the MAN inside me just smacked me in the mouth and it feels great!

[trippi1432]

I know it doesn't feel "normal" right now for you HSB and your emotions are all over, but what you are going through is not much different than what everyone on this forum have been through at one point in their lives.

 

Nothing wrong with fixing the outlet, but keep the emotions in check...especially the ones that drive the anger. You will be fine if you keep that one in check.

[hurts_so_bad]

I know it doesn't feel "normal" right now for you HSB and your emotions are all over, but what you are going through is not much different than what everyone on this forum have been through at one point in their lives.

 

Nothing wrong with fixing the outlet, but keep the emotions in check...especially the ones that drive the anger. You will be fine if you keep that one in check.

 

Thanks Trippi

 

I am suppressing the anger with realization of what I put this girl threw! Its not a excuse for her or too make myself feel better. Its the truth. I thought about it a bit earlier and like I said, she is the victim or was for 20 years. I think she has given up on trying to FIX me or make me be the man I should have been so she is looking elsewear. Cant say I blame her No matter how much it hurts me.

 

I still loove her and would jump at the opportunity to get back with her knowig now what I did wrong in the past. I know I can be a better husband. I can only hope time will allow that to happen.

 

The only possible way is to play it cool as all u have taught me on here. If I have frustration or mixed emotions I put it on here so you guys can yell at me! Better than saying it to her!

[Owl]

Here's my suggestion. Learn from the past, but don't live in it.

 

Become a man she can respect. Self-sufficient, independent, and able to take care of himself and those he loves.

 

NOTHING is more attractive to a woman than that.

 

She may not be the woman who benefits from those changes...that chapter in your life may be over...but the book is still being written.

 

Shape up, man up, and drive on. You'll be a better person/father/spouse for it.

 

No offense intended here...just trying to help you see that taking care of yourself is the first step on the right path.

[hurts_so_bad]

No offense taken at all owl..I dont take constructive criticism as offense. That is exactly what I am trying to do and am doing! I am a better man now and will continue to be whether with her or someone else. Sure hope its with her though!

[NXS]

sorry guys! my head was all over the place earlier! Just took a shower and I am thinking a bit clearer now. I am going to fix the outlet for her tomorrow regardless of whether it helps me with a way back in or not. I have to stop thinking of myself and what I want for once. I just thought of all the **** I ut this girl threw and I realize that she is a bigger victim in all this than I am!

 

4 arrests threw the years, Alchohol abuse, not coming home many nights, gambling, arguments, probation, her driving me everywhere, etc etc etc.......

 

I thought of it all and I now feel bad for her! I should be thankful she spent so many years with me with what I put her threw!

 

right wrong or indifferent, I am ging up tomorrow to whether it helps or hurts my situation! I feel like the MAN inside me just smacked me in the mouth and it feels great!

 

HSB, I think you should go and fix the dryer but please don't undo the good work you done on Sunday. Again don't underestimate the progress you've made and how you managed to get through that day without blowing up over the OLD site. You're probably still stinging from that so try and keep your emotions in check before you go instead of using it as way to vent what you wanted to vent on Sunday.

 

I don't think it'll somehow make you too available, let's face it the dryer thing is going on a while now and you've been keeping yourself away from her anyway.

 

I think there's a possibility that she may want to use this opportunity to talk to you about things. So it would be a good idea to at least be prepared for that in the event it happens. Having a clear idea what you want to say, or not say, would be a good plan.