trippi1432 Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 Hmm, arguing over gas money...instincts kicked in huh? See, instincts and pride...those go hand in hand when one has obsessive compulsions like drinking and gambling. Coopster has been on you about drinking..and whether you still are or not is not for us to judge....only you know what you do. BUT!!!!! Obsessive behavior changes when someone gives up their vices....it moves to something they want more, it becomes.....competition...turning to frustration, and then eventually back to drinking. Get yourself settled and go to AA, I went to Al-Anon for awhile just to try and understand what my exH was going through...a mile in HIS shoes since he could never walk a mile in mine, my daughter or his son's shoes. Jeff had good advice here too..he was trying to show you how to be persuasive and win at all costs. With 3 DWI convictions, do you really think that in the state of NY you could get custody and the house just because she claims to have an affair that you really have no proof of? The courts in NY are like my state, they don't care who had an affair...but DWI's would prove who should have custody of the kids. What if she lied about the affair as a wake up call....evidently her going out and doing as you did, giving into your impulsions didn't wake you up....when did she start doing this?? Was it after the second DWI conviction or the third?? I would suggest that you have already heard some of this over the past months, her complaints....her requests....the kids requests, or have those ebb'd off over time because they knew they would never be honored? Perhaps now is a time to ponder....will you find the pride that has been hurt in the bottom of a bottle...on a roulette wheel....or will you find it in a woman who for more than a decade didn't cheat on you...stayed home and took care of your kids and home? See, your pride is not just about YOU when you SHARE a life with someone else...it's about the people you care about and love. It's the pride she put into having kids with you, raising them...oh...and living the life of luxury that you gave her....that is your B**** that you cursed out tonight. SHARING a life...that's what you do when you are married...it's about putting each of you first....not just one person, not just the kids....each other. That is what a marriage is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 There is something definitely Going on with her and this guy. She has made no secret of it to family memebers of hers which was over heard by someone who told me. I am just.very confused on how to act. I am trying to make her love me again which no matter how I act does not seem to work. I'm nice she is nice but still can't tell me she loves me. So nothing is working here and I feel being nice.is only making me a doormat. I haven't heard of any women that likes a pushover. Last Night I guess was my last stand to show I am a man. This has been really hard on me and it hurts so much to feel like it doesn't bother her. As for drinking and gambling NO! I am consuming my time with working and the gym...staying.sober! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 It's just not easy! Morning noon and night thinking about this! Am I the only one? Otherwise maybe I do have compulsive disorder! I guess for me the best thing is to let her go. Regardless she gave me the best years of her life and 3. Beautiful kids which she can never give another man because of her heart problems. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 I thought you said you are done being nice? She is distracted by the other guy... Let her have him. You being focused on her while she is focused on the other guy isn't gonna work. Start focusing on you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 wow what a defeatist attitude!!!. You can`t really think that much of her from what you say and your actions. Might be the best thing for you. Either way you need to decide what to do cos this can`t be healthy for you or your kids or indeed her. Fight or give up? I dont know! feel like iving up is the oly fight I have left! Feel like if I keep trying at this I will only push her further! Think its time to just let it go with no contact for a while. Im not getting anywhere this way or any way. What I said last night felt good last night but I feel bad today. I guess it was frustration and some of the things I wanted to say coming out. Like you always say coop..I have to sick with something. So I hae to take one course of action and stick with it. Just afraid if I take the nice guy path I am going to get kicked in the ass for it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 for the love of god!!!! NO you`re not getting anywhere!!! How bout doing what i suggested frigging ages ago and start concentrating on YOURSELF??? HMmmmmmm ???? Lol coop! I know ya love me man! lol....I have been working on myself. What else am I supposed to do? I am working, reading, working out, eating better, The only vice I need to drop is smoking which at this point is not going to happen! What else can I do? I am working on myself and concentrating on myself...Thinking of her clouds my thoughts most times lately but the times I am not thinking of her I am concentrating on me... What else can I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Jstub Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 Lol coop! I know ya love me man! lol....I have been working on myself. What else am I supposed to do? I am working, reading, working out, eating better, The only vice I need to drop is smoking which at this point is not going to happen! What else can I do? I am working on myself and concentrating on myself...Thinking of her clouds my thoughts most times lately but the times I am not thinking of her I am concentrating on me... What else can I do? Let go and move on? that's your best bet of getting her back anyway. However, that shouldn't be the purpose of letting her go. I know it's hard - I am going through it right now. I believe things happen for a reason and if it's meant to be, it will be. Every time you hold on to it and not let go, it will turn into ****. Every time you try to read mixed signals, you will drive yourself crazy. LET GO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 coop just want to let you know that giving up my drinking isnt as hard as you may think. I know it put me threw tons of **** but that was over a long period of time. Not making an excuse for it but I was never ever an everyday drinker. I was more a weekend drinker and if I got loaded say Saturday the last thing I wanted to see was beer the next day. Just want to get that clear with you. Once, Maybe twice a week tops! My problem was when I drank I did stupid sh*t! not saying I dont struggle with a problem with it. I am just saying I was never ever at the point where I was dependent on it. So its not as hard to quit as someone who is.Thats all..... Maye your right as far as giving up easy. I am a very very impatient person with a HUGE ego! Always have been. At this point what else can I do? fight for her? Stay in the house and have it get me nuts when I see her get dressed to go out? I feel its best I am out so I dont get myself nuts and its better for the kids so they dont hear arguing. The money I give each week is for the kids..It would be required of me either way. So its not like I am paying for the house while she is doing her thing. I do still love her and want her back one day but as far as I can see this is my only option at this point. I am hoping that maybe in time she will miss me or I will finally clear my head a bit and get over this. Being at the house seeing her doesnt help at all. It only makes things worse for me.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 I apologize if I offend any women on this board but Women are CRAZY! I havent spoken too or text my wife since the night I told her to get the F**K out of here and last night I am out having a good time and I get a media text from my wife. The media is a picture of a chicks ass and it says Kiss that scanky ass jerk LMAO! What is wrong with her!? lol! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 She may have intended to get a reaction from you... She may have sent it to the wrong person... I can tell you - no reaction IS a reaction. Do not react! Just stay neutral and calm. Do not reply to her coercing you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 She may have intended to get a reaction from you... She may have sent it to the wrong person... I can tell you - no reaction IS a reaction. Do not react! Just stay neutral and calm. Do not reply to her coercing you. It was definitley intended for me. I know it for a fact! You are right though. I gave o answer or reaction at all. I was going to text back and say, "nice to know your thinking of me" but some things are better left unsaid! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 At last!!! whats that mean coop!!!! lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 ok coops! by the way what is STFU? No there has been no contact since the day I told her off. Last night she sent that text. No contact yet and there will be none from me. I am going to see the kids Wed and take them to the movies. Day by day this is getting easier! thought my heart was going to fall out a month and a half ago. It didnt! Now its getting better. After all what else can she possibly do to me hat hast already been done! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 I have to be up in the area for something that day so figured I would take the kids out. Gonna go see the new clash of the titans. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 I arranged it with my son not her. I still have a right to be in the house and see my kids anytime I feel I have no reason to arrange anything with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 31, 2012 Author Share Posted March 31, 2012 besides, I am sure y so told her and if it was a problem she would have said something Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 ok wed is coming and I am going up to take the kids to see clash of the titans. I know the kids are going to ask if mommy is coming. What do you guys think my best replay should be? Should I just say no and nnot give her the option to decline? Or should I say, If she wants to come she can? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 ok wed is coming and I am going up to take the kids to see clash of the titans. I know the kids are going to ask if mommy is coming. What do you guys think my best replay should be? Should I just say no and nnot give her the option to decline? Or should I say, If she wants to come she can? Tell them that when they have questions regarding Mommy - they should ask Mommy any of their questions directly to her only. Don't even begin answering for her. And don't get in the middle of her and them- any answer is for her. It also trains kids to stop asking one parent about intentions of another parent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 Spoke to my son last night. He told me the power is out to the washer and dryer and my wife has been bringing the laundry to the laundrymat. Should I attempt to fix this problem for her? I kind of feel if I dont it will make her realize what its like without me being around. What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 Hmm, arguing over gas money...instincts kicked in huh? See, instincts and pride...those go hand in hand when one has obsessive compulsions like drinking and gambling. Coopster has been on you about drinking..and whether you still are or not is not for us to judge....only you know what you do. BUT!!!!! Obsessive behavior changes when someone gives up their vices....it moves to something they want more, it becomes.....competition...turning to frustration, and then eventually back to drinking. Get yourself settled and go to AA, I went to Al-Anon for awhile just to try and understand what my exH was going through...a mile in HIS shoes since he could never walk a mile in mine, my daughter or his son's shoes. Jeff had good advice here too..he was trying to show you how to be persuasive and win at all costs. With 3 DWI convictions, do you really think that in the state of NY you could get custody and the house just because she claims to have an affair that you really have no proof of? The courts in NY are like my state, they don't care who had an affair...but DWI's would prove who should have custody of the kids. What if she lied about the affair as a wake up call....evidently her going out and doing as you did, giving into your impulsions didn't wake you up....when did she start doing this?? Was it after the second DWI conviction or the third?? I would suggest that you have already heard some of this over the past months, her complaints....her requests....the kids requests, or have those ebb'd off over time because they knew they would never be honored? Perhaps now is a time to ponder....will you find the pride that has been hurt in the bottom of a bottle...on a roulette wheel....or will you find it in a woman who for more than a decade didn't cheat on you...stayed home and took care of your kids and home? See, your pride is not just about YOU when you SHARE a life with someone else...it's about the people you care about and love. It's the pride she put into having kids with you, raising them...oh...and living the life of luxury that you gave her....that is your B**** that you cursed out tonight. SHARING a life...that's what you do when you are married...it's about putting each of you first....not just one person, not just the kids....each other. That is what a marriage is. I know its a bit late to respond to this but what do you suggest? If she decides at any point in time she wants to work things out do you think I should? I kow its up to me at the end of the day but judging by what I have told everyone on this board about what has transpired. Do you think she is worth another shot? Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Spoke to my son last night. He told me the power is out to the washer and dryer and my wife has been bringing the laundry to the laundrymat. Should I attempt to fix this problem for her? I kind of feel if I dont it will make her realize what its like without me being around. What do you guys think? Absolutely not..that reeks of exactly the kind of doormat behavior that turns women off. Why should she get the benefit of you skills and services while giving you a heartache? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 So I'm better off being a pr**k? That's what I thought Link to post Share on other sites
Jstub Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 So I'm better off being a pr**k? That's what I thought Don't be a prank. Be CIVIL - that does not mean doing her favors though. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 I know its a bit late to respond to this but what do you suggest? If she decides at any point in time she wants to work things out do you think I should? I kow its up to me at the end of the day but judging by what I have told everyone on this board about what has transpired. Do you think she is worth another shot? Hurts - if that happens and she wants to make things work because she notices the positive changes in you, you will have to decide if you can put things behind you and move to a better stage of your marriage. Being a P***k isn't a way to find out, being indifferent would be a better route to take. What do I suggest....well, what does this statement mean to you based on your 17 years together...."SHARING a life...that's what you do when you are married...it's about putting each of you first....not just one person, not just the kids....each other." Can you share examples of where the two of you did that? How did she stand by you, how did she make your ego feel during the marriage...before she said that she was done? How did you emotionally support her during the marriage, care and understand her before things went bad? I believe that women typically cheat when the emotional aspect of the relationship is missing....men typically cheat when the physical aspect of the relationship is missing. Every person alive has the propensity to cheat, but some have better moral compasses than others. Just to clarify Hurts, I'm not on your side or her side....the easy road is divorce and both of you have taken steps to get it there. The hard road is both of you sitting down and really looking at each other's perspective without pointing fingers but taking responsibility for your parts. Until both of you can do that...nothing will work.....based on your telling her off and her media text to you, the two of you are still playing tit for tat in the worst way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 3, 2012 Author Share Posted April 3, 2012 .....based on your telling her off and her media text to you, the two of you are still playing tit for tat in the worst way. Yeah but doesnt that sort of mean there is a chance that there are still feelings there? I told her what I did to show her I didnt care even so I did. Then she text me what she did two days later. If she text me doesnt that mean something? If there are no feelings at all why would she bother? Link to post Share on other sites
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