recently seperated and need

[hurts_so_bad]

Honestly according to my wife I never shared the life with her. She always said, Its always about you! In a way she was right. I did what I had to do to give my family what they needed but nnot so much on the "Being there" part! After this I am all in but its her ball game right now! I am just trying to play a good game.

[hurts_so_bad]

The wife and I both have accounts on match.com since we split. I just looked hers up. I was going to email her threw atch with my profile and ask if she wants to go to the movies tomorrow night with me and our kids! good or bad idea?

[trippi1432]

The wife and I both have accounts on match.com since we split. I just looked hers up. I was going to email her threw atch with my profile and ask if she wants to go to the movies tomorrow night with me and our kids! good or bad idea?

 

Bad idea...quit playing games...seriously!

[hurts_so_bad]

Bad idea...quit playing games...seriously!

 

 

Guess your right. I'm just trying to do whatever I can to get back. I did alot of thinking and I am not even sure if we can work things out.

On top of my shinnanagis (however you spell it!) she was never a tidy person and I am. There were Constantly piles of dishes in the sink unless I washed them. Piles of clothes in the wash room, she nearly burt the vacuum out each time she vacuumed cause she vacuumed very rarely and picked up all sorts of ****! Clothes piled on top of our red mahogony bedroom set.

 

I dont know! I guess I am fighting for my old life back but when I think about it I might be happier with it without her! Or maybe Im just too picky and let little things bother me. But too me its not little things. I would like to walk in my house after traveling 60 miles each way to a long days work and be comfortable. Walking in my house seeing **** everywhere isnt relaxing to me.

 

I just miss my home and everything there. The kids, The house, my neighbors, my Buick grand National in my garage! everything! My life and friends are there....I am 60 miles away!

[trippi1432]

Guess your right. I'm just trying to do whatever I can to get back. I did alot of thinking and I am not even sure if we can work things out.

On top of my shinnanagis (however you spell it!) she was never a tidy person and I am. There were Constantly piles of dishes in the sink unless I washed them. Piles of clothes in the wash room, she nearly burt the vacuum out each time she vacuumed cause she vacuumed very rarely and picked up all sorts of ****! Clothes piled on top of our red mahogony bedroom set.

 

I dont know! I guess I am fighting for my old life back but when I think about it I might be happier with it without her! Or maybe Im just too picky and let little things bother me. But too me its not little things. I would like to walk in my house after traveling 60 miles each way to a long days work and be comfortable. Walking in my house seeing **** everywhere isnt relaxing to me.

 

I just miss my home and everything there. The kids, The house, my neighbors, my Buick grand National in my garage! everything! My life and friends are there....I am 60 miles away!

 

The above....in bold...there were times I would have loved coming home after a 12 hour shift at work dealing with MEK fumes and a one hour drive each way to not have to drive another 1.5 hours to pick up my kids because my husband was drunk and couldn't drive.

 

The shoe fits both ways.....you either love each other for who you are or hate each other and part ways without playing games.

 

I'm much happier and have found out that there are men in the world who do consider someone else's feelings other than their own. And he is much happier married to a woman who moved her husband out for him. Sometimes, for as many years as we put in and live in misery trying to do the best we can...the best thing is divorce so we can really live and find our own happiness. You either have to find that in the ability to let go of the life you used to know and change things for the better for you. She has to do the same....and if it was meant to be..if you two were destined for each other....well, then we wouldn't be here would we?

 

You are not the only one who has perspective, she does too.

[dreamingoftigers]

ARG I'LL SEND YOU DIVORCE REMEDY PRIORITY MAIL. JEEZ.

 

Don't be a prick, don't be a doormat, don't compose her musicals and don't send her hate mail!

 

Somewhere in the middle: HEALTHY AND INDEPENDENT.

 

Arg. Arg. Arg.

 

This thread is turning me into a ****ing pirate!

[hurts_so_bad]

Lol dot! I was at Barnes and nobles the other day and they didn't have it.

[hurts_so_bad]

My daughter got on the phone last night and told me mommy said the washing machine is giving her trouble. Now how am I supposed to avoid fixing it withought being a prick?

[dreamingoftigers]

Lol dot! I was at Barnes and nobles the other day and they didn't have it.

 

Order it in.

 

As for the washing machine: not entirely sure about that one. Can you be busy taking your kids to the park?

[maybealone]

My daughter got on the phone last night and told me mommy said the washing machine is giving her trouble. Now how am I supposed to avoid fixing it withought being a prick?

 

It's probably fine to just fix it, but I would have issues with her making your daughter tell you instead of telling you herself.

[hurts_so_bad]

I don't know. Feel like I'm being a friggin maintainance man here at a home she lives in! She can easily take the wash to the laundrymat up the block. Need more input here.

[2sunny]

She is capable of figuring out how/when to fix the washer.

 

If its broken - it's hers to figure out!

 

IF I can figure it out (simple things and big things) after being with my exH 23 years ---> he took care of EVERYTHING... So, if I can learn how to do these things myself - so can she! But she will never learn how as long as YOU step in and do this FOR HER.

 

Don't do a thing - she will figure it out! That's how we learn!

[2sunny]

I feel ...you need to grow up.

 

I feel .... that you feel so hard done by... like you have never done anything wrong ...ever in your life.

 

i feel like you believe that you are the one that is right and `she` is wrong??

 

I feel that you still don`t know what you want!!

 

I asked you to give a definitive answer... and you said you wanted your marriage and you still love her?!!

 

Now all you can think about is whether you should fix her washing machine or not??!!!!

 

Go fix the f***ing thing.

 

GROW UP!!

 

See it this way ... You`re not doing HER a favour... Your helping your CHILDREN out.

 

Seriously think about it. the more shi9t you give her, who in the end suffers?

 

Do YOU suffer fixing it?

 

jeeeeeez

 

It's not HIS to fix. She will learn a valuable lesson by LEARNING what she needs to do for herself when she takes some action instead of expecting him to come running any time there's any problem.

 

And IF she wanted him to know it was broken - SHE could have told him, but she didn't- so its really none of his to know.

[Owl]

It's not HIS to fix. She will learn a valuable lesson by LEARNING what she needs to do for herself when she takes some action instead of expecting him to come running any time there's any problem.

 

And IF she wanted him to know it was broken - SHE could have told him, but she didn't- so its really none of his to know.

 

EXACTLY.

 

A grown woman solves her own problems. If she doesn't want him around...then she needs to learn to solve problems without going to him.

[2sunny]

Maybe she DOES want him around?

 

 

Always so negative owl

 

IF she wants HIM to fix it - SHE could ask him! But SHE didn't!

 

That says a lot.

 

He may want to rescue or fix stuff in her life... But really, since she's not asking - there's not a thing to consider.

[2sunny]

i`m gonna twist this.

 

A grown man solves his own problems, If he didn`t want to be in the marriage he wouldn`t be posting on this forum asking for help

 

And also - IF she's not working 200% on fixing hat M - then he's just working on it by himself... And that isn't gonna help at all.

[2sunny]

She's not showing that she's completely investing in recovering the marriage.

 

If and when she shows 100% all in - no swaying at all - then he may have something to consider... But for now, he has no evidence that she's all in.

 

 

Coop - your perspective seems way off this past week... You keep encouraging people to invest MORE and MORE in recovering their M - when it doesn't look like the cheating spouse even makes an effort.

 

That's not useful for the betrayed to give it their all - while the cheater keeps dragging that 100% effort down to 0 because their time and energy is still focused on their OM/OW.

 

100%minus 100% equals nothing or zero.

 

You can't have something if one of two people are ruining anything and everything good that one half is doing.

[2sunny]

no again with respect, my perspective is the same, i don`t `encourage` any poster with any false hopes . ( see losts thread!!)

 

But i WILL encourage it when there still IS a chance for them.

 

And the OP still has a chance to save his marriage.

 

SUNNY... you helped me on my thread, so did owl , and yas ( and others, thank you)

 

Sunny... is this thread gonna be another russel thread?

 

I hope not.

 

Hurts. just fix the frigging machine, ask for NOTHING in return ( like you did before!! )

 

Then walk away and smile.

 

ITS A WASHING MACHINE!!!

 

 

its not like she asked you to buy her a new one!!!...

 

 

just fix the F**king thing, get HER to help too

 

She never ASKED him to fix the machine. And she hasn't ASKED or shown EVIDENCE that she's all in on the marriage either.

 

You keep encouraging him to spend wasted time and energy when he hasn't been asked to do anything (the washer and the M).

 

Until she shows that she's ALL in - there's no use encouraging him to chase wasted energy...

[dreamingoftigers]

HSB: let's try a bit of a reset here.

 

This is a pretty complex situation here.

 

We've got kids, wife, marriage, new sobriety, moving back and forth, another man and a washing machine.

 

Start from the top and prioritize them.

 

For example if "I" were "you" (doesn't everyone love hearing that?)

 

I would put it in this order:

 

My sobriety (because without this it is hard to have self-respect and it cripples your functionality in all other areas)

Kids

Figuring out if I want the marriage or not AND/OR finding options for fixing it

Dealing with wife

Stabilizing my home

Washing machine dilemma

 

The other man doesn't even make the list, that's her problem entirely.

 

When you look at the list, it helps make the choices you need to make.

 

Where do you want to be in five years? Do you want your family all together? Do you want your wife and you together?

Do you want to try again with someone new?

 

First figure out what you want, with no BUTS

 

For instance: I want my wife back BUT I don't want to have to be a prick or whatever.

 

Just start with what YOU want.

 

If you don't know, you are going to trip yourself and every poster on here is going to trip over themselves trying to help.

 

As soon as you pick that direction you can listen for the help that is in the direction YOU want to go and leave the rest.

[tigerlily66]

I am a female, on the other end of things. My husband is addicted to pot, I left him in December. I have started talking to another guy, an old high school friend. He made me feel so much better about myself, took me out for lunch, etc. It helped me emotionally. I still love my husband and always will, he's the father of my girls, but don't think I can ever live with him again. And I can see myself falling in love with someone else again-someone more emotionally stable, who can love me back completely. So I understand your wife's side very well!

[2sunny]

I am a female, on the other end of things. My husband is addicted to pot, I left him in December. I have started talking to another guy, an old high school friend. He made me feel so much better about myself, took me out for lunch, etc. It helped me emotionally. I still love my husband and always will, he's the father of my girls, but don't think I can ever live with him again. And I can see myself falling in love with someone else again-someone more emotionally stable, who can love me back completely. So I understand your wife's side very well!

 

Interesting that you point out emotional stability as a requirement - its been what makes me certain the OP is still drinking/using when he says he's not.

 

That roller coaster ride of emotions just gets old! It's completely exhausting!

 

And it tends to settle down once someone begins a full course of becoming recovered...one day at a time it begins to show evidence of being more stable.

 

 

 

And by the way - if I saw my H on match - it would tell me he didn't intend to work on the marriage.

 

The games you two are paying are childish. Stay away from each other until you can know what's real and what's not.

 

 

The OP isn't showing evidence of emotional stability at all. Sometimes - you just get tired of that damn roller coaster emotional ride. Ya know?

Edited April 5, 2012 by 2sunny

[hurts_so_bad]

Ok I think I started a war of opinions here! Sorry guys! First off to easy everyones mind, I am NOT drinking! I am just a emotional wreck over all of this...Its been a month and a half. Now I dont know if thats a long time and maybe I should be over this but I am not! Its getting easier and easier day by day but I am not over it yet by far! Too answer your question coop, Yes I do love my wife and want my marriage to work but what am I supposed to do if she seems like she doesnt?

 

Lay down and play dead? Or maybe take a chance of finding someone who can easy my mind a bit? After all she has! and she is on match as well...

 

What am I too do? According to every bit of advice I got on here its too be calm cool and cucumber. I respect everyones opinions and have been doing exactly that but thats all I can do in hopes that one day we can work things out. There is no magic pill or spell I can give her to make her fall back in love with me. She told me over a month ago she isnt in Love with me anymore. What can I do?

 

Coop, You said in a few posts ago that this is all about me...Then if its all about me and my recovery whats the problem with the match.com thing why should I worry about her opinion if its all about me and my bettering myself?

 

On a different note, I came up here this afternoon. When the wife pulled up from work, First thing I got was a big smile and some small conversation. Afterwards, She drove me and kids to the movies then picked us up. I did ask her if she wanted to come but she was tired. On the way back we ordered some Popeyes chicken and ate in...It was nice.. No arguing. It was nice. She never mentioned the washing machine so I left it at that. Not going to volunteer if she didnt ask. If she asked I would have helped more than likely. Dont need to be a d**k!

[hurts_so_bad]

Interesting that you point out emotional stability as a requirement - its been what makes me certain the OP is still drinking/using when he says he's not.

 

That roller coaster ride of emotions just gets old! It's completely exhausting!

 

And it tends to settle down once someone begins a full course of becoming recovered...one day at a time it begins to show evidence of being more stable.

 

 

 

And by the way - if I saw my H on match - it would tell me he didn't intend to work on the marriage.

 

The games you two are paying are childish. Stay away from each other until you can know what's real and what's not.

 

 

The OP isn't showing evidence of emotional stability at all. Sometimes - you just get tired of that damn roller coaster emotional ride. Ya know?

 

 

I understand your point and I do think we are both playing some dumb games. Kind of hope hers are games. I know mine are! Anyway, Its kind of hard to stay away completely when we have 3 kids together. No matter what I am bound to see her!

[hurts_so_bad]

not gonna wait for a reply to you sunny,

 

One thing that does piss me off about you hurts...

 

Why the hell are you on match.com?

 

I asked you this before ...You want your marriage or not?

 

You are SO inconsistant with your replys.

 

I gave you the benefit of the doubt when i asked you before if you had stopped drinking

 

You said you had.

 

3 questions for you

 

WHY ???...do you want to save your marriage?

 

Why do I want to save my marriage?

1. Because I do love her, My kids, My life and everything I own is here

2. yes I have stopped drinking

3. Match? I dont know! Maybe just hoping to find someone to ease the pain a bit

[maybealone]

She never mentioned the washing machine so I left it at that. Not going to volunteer if she didnt ask.

 

I think that's the right thing to do. Either she put your child up to asking on her behalf, in which case you should make her ask you herself, or she already has a plan for getting it fixed and your child was just mentioning something she saw her mom dealing with. Either way, I agree that you should not offer up your services.