recently seperated and need

[2sunny]

I understand your point and I do think we are both playing some dumb games. Kind of hope hers are games. I know mine are! Anyway, Its kind of hard to stay away completely when we have 3 kids together. No matter what I am bound to see her!

 

Not really. When I divorced my exH - I started dealing with my kids directly. If there was a change in the schedule I told my kids, not him.

 

There was one situation where we spoke briefly - it involved my son needing a hospital visit.

 

Other than that - I parented them. He was no longer my partner- I didn't need his input or approval on how I chose to parent them. He also parented them - his style - without my input.

 

You're on a dating site - puleeeez! That alone sends her a message that you are looking around. Either you're in the marriage - or you're out trying to date. You can't have both and do them well.

 

Since she's also on there - it sends you a message that she's not looking to make it work with you.

 

IF you see her at a sports function for the kids - its easier to act like she's not there. You're there for the kids, right? Then act like it!

 

And the games---> that is just childish and a waste of energy on being deceitful. Same old, same old...

[2sunny]

Why do I want to save my marriage?

1. Because I do love her, My kids, My life and everything I own is here

2. yes I have stopped drinking

3. Match? I dont know! Maybe just hoping to find someone to ease the pain a bit

 

You love her- but you just criticized her earlier for being messy - not keeping things the way you wanted.

 

You may have stopped drinking but you haven't been capable of making it look peaceful and serene - so you have a lot of work to do to get that emotional roller coaster to stop. Some stop drinking - it's the behavior that hopefully changes after you quit. Yours need more change.

 

Find someone to "ease your pain?" OMG - that's what every husband should do when attempting to reconcile he M = a sure fire way to cause more harm! Stop being so self serving.

[hurts_so_bad]

You love her- but you just criticized her earlier for being messy - not keeping things the way you wanted.

 

You may have stopped drinking but you haven't been capable of making it look peaceful and serene - so you have a lot of work to do to get that emotional roller coaster to stop. Some stop drinking - it's the behavior that hopefully changes after you quit. Yours need more change.

 

Find someone to "ease your pain?" OMG - that's what every husband should do when attempting to reconcile he M = a sure fire way to cause more harm! Stop being so self serving.

 

So tell me what am I to do? Sit around in hopes she comes back to me? I understand about the work on yourself thing but I havent been drinking, working out 4-5 days a week. Reading, etc etc...What else and I supposed to do? You tell me? I am a 43 year old man. Am I not supposed to have anyone? You tell me. Maybe there is something I am missing? No being a wise guy. seriously...

[hurts_so_bad]

I understand u guys are getting a bit frustrated with me but my emotions are everywhere. I have gone threw a ton of **** these past two months. My wife telling me she no longer loves me and and wants a seperation to finding ou

t she has been seeing another guy not only destroyed my ego but put my emotions toward her everywhere. One day I love het .and the next I.hate her. I would assume this would be the feelings for most people in my situation. I do love her buy in my head I am asking myself can I ever trust her again and if we do get back together will she pull this **** again if we have some sort of problems. Look, I know I was far from a perfect husband but I feel she could have thrown me out before finding someone else. We are married. It's not like we lived together and were shacking up for years. We had vows to eachother. I do even so want her back but don't know how to act towards her. When we first met 20 years ago my wife had just broken up with her boyfriend of 6 years. She fell in love with me and he didn't stand a chance. I was the badboy, he was the nice guy. She always said how nice of a guy he was but it got him nowhere. Me being thw badboy got it all! I feel like I am now her ex and need to be the badboy again to stand a chance!

[hurts_so_bad]

Another thing is she told me she wasn't in love with me anymore. Is there a chance that love can turn around or am I fighting a losing battle here? I have read so many articles and opinions on here and elsewhere and many say once a women says that its over. What's ur opinions? Am I hoping for nothing?

[2sunny]

Here's a formula for change:

 

 

Formula for Change - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[marqueemoon4]

Like it sunny....gonna confuse the hell out of OP thou !

 

I'm glad you saved your marriage and all.. but really, your talking down to everyone all the time is becoming tiresome. Its really condescending.

[standtall]

 

She only started to change when i did. I stopped chasing her and started to live my life as i wanted to. i.e not with her it. And it worked for me.

 

Now she loves me again and no longer wants a divorce.

 

 

Hurt, that is it in a nutshell. The rest is just noise.

[hurts_so_bad]

I hope not hurts.

 

My wife told me she didn`t love me anymore and she wanted a divorce. In fact she said she didn`t even want to be friends with me.

Everything i tried just made her resolution ecven stronger.

 

She only started to change when i did. I stopped chasing her and started to live my life as i wanted to. i.e not with her it. And it worked for me.

 

Now she loves me again and no longer wants a divorce.

 

But I would never even dream of going on a dating site, even if she still carried on as if she wanted a divorce. It just wasn`t something that crossed my mind.

 

Wonder why it has yours???

 

How can you say to us that you love your wife still while looking at other women on a dating site?

 

Even LOOKING is a no no in my eyes.

 

Give her space, stop the up and down. Think about you.

 

Get a goal in your life and think about that.

 

i take it your back at your brother in laws house?

 

Maybe find a place to live for yourself?

 

But you need something else to stop thinking about her every 5 minutes and basically making it worse for yourself all the time.

 

Hey Coops, Not to pry but how long did you chase your wife before you gave up? and how long was it before she turned to you? I dont know if you have kids but I need to see her when I see the kids. Not that I need too but it kind of happens. Its been close to two months. I never really chased her. I asked her about getting back together etc and argued with her...ok I guess thats kind of chasing! recently I havent been though at all.

 

Things need to start happening here for me for the better. I just wrote a letter to the judge who sentenced me for the last DWI 4 years ago cause probation is dragging their feet with it. If he agrees to give me my license back I will have more freedom to come and go as I please and I think that will be a big change. I think, actually, I know! She knows I am stuck! No license to drive a car, no apartment of my own etc.

 

Once things start happening for me I think things may change!

 

I hear ya about the dating site! Im lonely what can I say!

[hurts_so_bad]

Hurt, that is it in a nutshell. The rest is just noise.

 

I get ya and I have been doing that atleast I think I have! I left the house last WED when she drove me to brooklyn. We had the argument as I mentioned and told her to get the F**k out of here. no contact till Friday when she sent me a pick of her ass and told me to kiss it! Still no contact from me.

 

I saw her yesterday when I went to see the kids. Its kind of hard not to see her when I dont have a license! Cant just pick them up and run!

 

I was playing with the girls outside with a new remote control helicopter I bought them for easter when she pulled up from work. I got a big smile and some nice small talk. I asked what she has been up too other than sending me pictures of her ass! She laughed and said I deserved it!. I asked If she would mind driving us to the movies and if she wanted to come. She said she was tired but drove us and picked us up. I could have taken a cab I guess but why waste the extra money if I dont need too...Maybe asking her for things like that is what I need to stop doing? what do you think?

[2sunny]

So your W tell you she doesn't love you and tell you to kiss her behind- and you think that's funny?

 

Funny isn't what I would describe.

 

And then you are on a dating site because you're lonely? What would you offer a gal you may think of dating? You have multiple DWI's, no car, no divorce, and no love to offer a gal. So why torture a new gal? You're not offering her anything of substance!

 

Proper order is key!

 

IF and when you get all this mess sorted out - then and only then should you consider dating!

 

Sheez, your heart and mind are still on your wife - its not right to try to date any new gal.

 

When your court stuff is finished and your divorce is FINAL (if that happens) - then and only then would it be right to consider bringing a new gal into your world.

 

You are mixing everything up. Keep first things first. You have things to sort out.

[hurts_so_bad]

So your W tell you she doesn't love you and tell you to kiss her behind- and you think that's funny?

 

Funny isn't what I would describe.

 

And then you are on a dating site because you're lonely? What would you offer a gal you may think of dating? You have multiple DWI's, no car, no divorce, and no love to offer a gal. So why torture a new gal? You're not offering her anything of substance!

 

Proper order is key!

 

IF and when you get all this mess sorted out - then and only then should you consider dating!

 

Sheez, your heart and mind are still on your wife - its not right to try to date any new gal.

 

When your court stuff is finished and your divorce is FINAL (if that happens) - then and only then would it be right to consider bringing a new gal into your world.

 

You are mixing everything up. Keep first things first. You have things to sort out.

 

Oh believe me I thought of that myself and it makes me feel like s**T! Thanks for bringingt it up Sunny! just kidding! I know and its killing me..I put that part of my life behind me and want to start new but its taking forever! Court and 16 weekends in prison has been done for 3 years now but its probation that I still have two more years on which is holding me up with my license. I spoke to my lawyer and he told me too write the judge a letter and if he wants too, He can overturn probations decision of NOT giving me my license back. I sure hope he considers it!

[hurts_so_bad]

So your W tell you she doesn't love you and tell you to kiss her behind- and you think that's funny?

 

Funny isn't what I would describe.

 

And then you are on a dating site because you're lonely? What would you offer a gal you may think of dating? You have multiple DWI's, no car, no divorce, and no love to offer a gal. So why torture a new gal? You're not offering her anything of substance!

 

Proper order is key!

 

IF and when you get all this mess sorted out - then and only then should you consider dating!

 

Sheez, your heart and mind are still on your wife - its not right to try to date any new gal.

 

When your court stuff is finished and your divorce is FINAL (if that happens) - then and only then would it be right to consider bringing a new gal into your world.

 

You are mixing everything up. Keep first things first. You have things to sort out.

 

 

She text me what she text me cause I told her off two nights earlier. Thats why she sent the pick and told me to kiss it. Maybe Im nuts but I figure she must have been thinking of me too send it! on a Friday night two days later?

[hurts_so_bad]

everyday is getting easier and easier but I have my ups and downs. Nothing compared to what it was like a month or so ago! Thank God! Hope that feeling doesnt return EVER! Just one question for all of you guys! DOT, standtall, coops,sunny, evryone who has posted on my thread. Judging by what has transpired between me and my wife. Me being an idiot for 17 years of our marriage and her going out finding a new man. Do you think I would be a moron if I took her back? I know no ones opiion should matter but mine but I am just curious....

 

Guess I want to know if I should really start to move on and forget our chances no matter how much it hurts or if its worth giving it another shot.

 

Be easy on me guys!

[2sunny]

everyday is getting easier and easier but I have my ups and downs. Nothing compared to what it was like a month or so ago! Thank God! Hope that feeling doesnt return EVER! Just one question for all of you guys! DOT, standtall, coops,sunny, evryone who has posted on my thread. Judging by what has transpired between me and my wife. Me being an idiot for 17 years of our marriage and her going out finding a new man. Do you think I would be a moron if I took her back? I know no ones opiion should matter but mine but I am just curious....

 

Guess I want to know if I should really start to move on and forget our chances no matter how much it hurts or if its worth giving it another shot.

 

Be easy on me guys!

 

You know...she's tired of all your **** for the past 17 years. Now you think she's supposed to come running back because you quit for a short while.

 

It doesn't work that way. It may take YEARS of you being sober for her to trust you're not gonna go back to it as your solution. It helps if you do the 12 steps that show YOU how to be happy no matter what the circumstances and without NEEDING to drink.

 

You have nothing to offer at the moment - except all these problems you created. So stay away and let her figure out if she wants to consider getting back. Give it time. Do the steps!

 

It's kinda like driving a car with all this crap in the back - and while you're drinking you don't realize how much crap you're accumulating- until you put he brakes on (the drinking) and all the crap comes flying into the drivers seat! You are now sifting hrough your crap you created. It takes time to sift through what you created and clean up YOUR mess! So keep her away while you get your messes cleaned up.

 

All the wreckage of your past isn't for anyone else to deal with - so stop focusing on any women. Spare them. The clean up time! You have so much to accomplish and only you can do it.

 

Look within... You are strong enough - but stay focused on doing your clean up and staying sober!

 

Everything else works out - in time - the way it's supposed to... Trust that it does. It gets good if you stay focused on your step work.

 

You've got stuff to do - get busy doing that!!!!

[hurts_so_bad]

You know...she's tired of all your **** for the past 17 years. Now you think she's supposed to come running back because you quit for a short while.

 

It doesn't work that way. It may take YEARS of you being sober for her to trust you're not gonna go back to it as your solution. It helps if you do the 12 steps that show YOU how to be happy no matter what the circumstances and without NEEDING to drink.

 

You have nothing to offer at the moment - except all these problems you created. So stay away and let her figure out if she wants to consider getting back. Give it time. Do the steps!

 

It's kinda like driving a car with all this crap in the back - and while you're drinking you don't realize how much crap you're accumulating- until you put he brakes on (the drinking) and all the crap comes flying into the drivers seat! You are now sifting hrough your crap you created. It takes time to sift through what you created and clean up YOUR mess! So keep her away while you get your messes cleaned up.

 

All the wreckage of your past isn't for anyone else to deal with - so stop focusing on any women. Spare them. The clean up time! You have so much to accomplish and only you can do it.

 

Look within... You are strong enough - but stay focused on doing your clean up and staying sober!

 

Everything else works out - in time - the way it's supposed to... Trust that it does. It gets good if you stay focused on your step work.

 

You've got stuff to do - get busy doing that!!!!

 

I hear ya sunny and you are absolutely right! I just want to point out one thing. I am not making lite of the wreckage I caused threw the years so please dont think I am. I just want to tell you as I told coops in an earlier post. I am not and never have been dependant on drinking! Never was! I was a partier but thats about it..I liked my beers maybe once during the week if a friend came by to BS a it and once on the weekend if that. Problem was when I did drink it was off to the races! It didnt like to stop! What do you mean its late! Its only 4am! That sort of thing. But the last thing I ever wanted to see the next day was a beer! Could never do that hair of the dog deal! I am only telling you this cause I dont want anyone to think that I was a total wake up in the am take a sip of vodka dude! I was a partier thats about it. It got me in trouble yes and I take that responsability for my stupid actions.. I just dont want you to think my demons are much bigger than they are!

 

As for my question? do you think I would be a jerk to take her back if the opportunity arises?

[dreamingoftigers]

I hear ya sunny and you are absolutely right! I just want to point out one thing. I am not making lite of the wreckage I caused threw the years so please dont think I am. I just want to tell you as I told coops in an earlier post. I am not and never have been dependant on drinking! Never was! I was a partier but thats about it..I liked my beers maybe once during the week if a friend came by to BS a it and once on the weekend if that. Problem was when I did drink it was off to the races! It didnt like to stop! What do you mean its late! Its only 4am! That sort of thing. But the last thing I ever wanted to see the next day was a beer! Could never do that hair of the dog deal! I am only telling you this cause I dont want anyone to think that I was a total wake up in the am take a sip of vodka dude! I was a partier thats about it. It got me in trouble yes and I take that responsability for my stupid actions.. I just dont want you to think my demons are much bigger than they are!

 

As for my question? do you think I would be a jerk to take her back if the opportunity arises?

 

Two things: I don't think you'd be a "moron" for getting back together with your wife and being a functional family. However, you do have quite a ways to go. It really does need to be broken into steps and your wife may not want you back at all, but she is regularly friendly to you which is a HUGE plus.

 

2. I see why others are seeing you "gloss over" your past and you keep saying that you "aren't glossing over it."

 

Posters mention the sobriety aspect, you respond with the fact that you were not dependent on it (more impulsive it sounds). Then everyone goes "don't gloss it over, it takes time for her to see etc etc."

 

My husband had the same, high "get back together and just trust me already" instinct that you do when he wasn't even dealing with the problem. Very frustrating and very heartbreakingly hard and pressuring to me. She knows you are pulling after her. You are impulsively chasing her in a dead heat and then impulsively pulling back and blowing up etc.

 

It doesn't matter so much how OFTEN or regular you did drink (etc). It's more the fact that you cannot be trusted to be consistent. Period. That issue UNDERLINES your marriage and lifestyle choices.

 

I mean, you are on a dating website and a relationship forum trying to piece together your marriage! You must see the irony in that.

 

I hope that my posting doesn't sound harsh.

 

There really needs to be more of a process in your decision-making then by going with what you think will feel the best at the time.

 

There needs to be some basic value-setting within yourself DESPITE how you feel from moment to moment.

 

Your attitude sounds so similar to that of my husband when he was going through the same circumstances. He did have undiagnosed ADD. the pharmaceuticals were a nightmare and it wasn't until he started supplementing naturally that he had success. However, having recent sobriety can PRESENT like ADD.

 

HSB. could you respond to my previous post please.

[hurts_so_bad]

HSB: let's try a bit of a reset here.

 

This is a pretty complex situation here.

 

We've got kids, wife, marriage, new sobriety, moving back and forth, another man and a washing machine.

 

Start from the top and prioritize them.

 

For example if "I" were "you" (doesn't everyone love hearing that?)

 

I would put it in this order:

 

My sobriety (because without this it is hard to have self-respect and it cripples your functionality in all other areas)

Kids

Figuring out if I want the marriage or not AND/OR finding options for fixing it

Dealing with wife

Stabilizing my home

Washing machine dilemma

 

The other man doesn't even make the list, that's her problem entirely.

 

When you look at the list, it helps make the choices you need to make.

 

Where do you want to be in five years? Do you want your family all together? Do you want your wife and you together?

Do you want to try again with someone new?

 

First figure out what you want, with no BUTS

 

For instance: I want my wife back BUT I don't want to have to be a prick or whatever.

 

Just start with what YOU want.

 

If you don't know, you are going to trip yourself and every poster on here is going to trip over themselves trying to help.

 

As soon as you pick that direction you can listen for the help that is in the direction YOU want to go and leave the rest.

 

I do want my wife back

I do want my home back together

I do want my life back at home

In 5 years I would like to be in a better place both physically, mentally emotionally, and in a better relationship with the wife then I was 5 years ago.

 

 

I a just so damn lonely! Its easier day by day but it kills me to think she isnt!

[hurts_so_bad]

Coop

I appreciate the positive outlook and that no one would think I was a fool. I searched threw your thread yesterday and I gotta say! Your a stronger man then I am! Anyway, I dide see that in your marriage there was no infedelity which is a great thing. This is not so in my case...Still think I wouldnt be a fool? How am I too know if we do get back together that she isnt going to do this again sometime in the future if she isnt happy?

[dreamingoftigers]

That's the $64,000 question, isn't it?

[hurts_so_bad]

That's the $64,000 question, isn't it?

 

Yes it is and its alot to think about! Its just so friggin hard to let go of all I have worked for! My life is turned upside down right now and I think thats harder to deal with right now then not having her. Got a lot of thinking to do! Its really hard to let go and start a new life without my home, my kids everyday, my dogs, etc etc..

 

Its a big decision and a very very hard one! To start from scratch again is a big mountain to climb!

[2sunny]

You deserve to be happy every day.

 

Do that!

[hurts_so_bad]

You deserve to be happy every day.

 

Do that!

 

 

LOL! easier said then done! Atleast at this point! everyday I am grateful for what I do have and things are getting easier! but its not over by far!

The heartache is going away though. You kow that pain right in the center of your chest!

[hurts_so_bad]

you guys ever hear of the cat string theory? If so, Do you think that would be good to do to my wife?

[trippi1432]

you guys ever hear of the cat string theory? If so, Do you think that would be good to do to my wife?

 

I think at this point I would ask you how your life as a gambler was...how many times did you lose? Obviously you lost a lot when it came to drinking with 3 DWI's....keep gambling and playing games...the ones you will lose that hit the hardest are the ones you play with someone's heart.

 

If you ask me, your wife has already taken 2Sunny's advice and moved to a place where she is trying to make herself happy every day. I don't even think you want your wife back because you love her, I think you prefer to manipulate the situation so you don't lose and right now, she showed you how you can lose. Resorting to this...well, that just shows your obsessive/compulsive behavior that got you here.

 

Perhaps you need to look at how you and your wife got to where you are now...with a bit of humility instead of pride. That would help you much better than just grasping at whatever straws are thrown your way.