recently seperated and need

[NXS]

I mean wouldn't some people call it immaturity that a women, any women would run further from their husband when he is honest and tells her straight out his love for her? Why the reason for all the secrecy! Too me in a way a women running after a man confesses his love is inmaturity...unleashed there is something I am missing it appears many people are inmature

 

Yeah I agree with you, it is immature. Frankly if she done it on me I'd be done with her, no going back. Or at least that's what I think I'd do, I've never cheated or been cheated on (that I know of) so this is just pure speculation on my part. Running off with a guy 15-20 years her junior rather than divorcing or trying to fix the marriage is definitely immature.

 

It's your decision to try and make this work and maybe you're right, only time will tell. From what you've posted here it doesn't seem like the standard affair pattern i.e. she's not trying to run off with this guy or move the family in with him. She's also spending a lot of time at home and seems to be holding it together with the kids. Maybe I've picked this up wrong?

 

Anyway I respect your decision to try and save your marriage, not everyone would look past an affair, these threads are full of BS who can't get over it, or try to get over it but it doesn't work out. They all say the WS has to be fully committed to repairing the damage and your wife simply isn't anywhere near there.

 

Your situation is also a little different because you're coming off alcohol and gambling abuse, so there's obviously a long history of you not fully committing to this marriage and taking responsibility. Which you've fully admitted to. So that's where your immaturity comes in. The kids need a responsible father, not someone who runs off from their problems or gets into continuous arguments. Again this is where you start "growing up", and being there for them.

 

A big part of this is learning how to take control of your impulses by not letting them lead your life. Impulses can come up at any time but you don't have to act on them. For example, she may say something that infuriates you but you don't have to resort to tit-for-tat arguing. You can not take the bait, take time out to calm down, and respond in a more assertive way. Sometimes it's more appropriate to tell your mouth to STFU, and just let things pass.

 

Anyway best of luck tomorrow and enjoy your day out. Looking forward to hearing how it went for you.

[hurts_so_bad]

Yeah I agree with you, it is immature. Frankly if she done it on me I'd be done with her, no going back. Or at least that's what I think I'd do, I've never cheated or been cheated on (that I know of) so this is just pure speculation on my part. Running off with a guy 15-20 years her junior rather than divorcing or trying to fix the marriage is definitely immature.

 

It's your decision to try and make this work and maybe you're right, only time will tell. From what you've posted here it doesn't seem like the standard affair pattern i.e. she's not trying to run off with this guy or move the family in with him. She's also spending a lot of time at home and seems to be holding it together with the kids. Maybe I've picked this up wrong?

 

Anyway I respect your decision to try and save your marriage, not everyone would look past an affair, these threads are full of BS who can't get over it, or try to get over it but it doesn't work out. They all say the WS has to be fully committed to repairing the damage and your wife simply isn't anywhere near there.

 

Your situation is also a little different because you're coming off alcohol and gambling abuse, so there's obviously a long history of you not fully committing to this marriage and taking responsibility. Which you've fully admitted to. So that's where your immaturity comes in. The kids need a responsible father, not someone who runs off from their problems or gets into continuous arguments. Again this is where you start "growing up", and being there for them.

 

A big part of this is learning how to take control of your impulses by not letting them lead your life. Impulses can come up at any time but you don't have to act on them. For example, she may say something that infuriates you but you don't have to resort to tit-for-tat arguing. You can not take the bait, take time out to calm down, and respond in a more assertive way. Sometimes it's more appropriate to tell your mouth to STFU, and just let things pass.

 

Anyway best of luck tomorrow and enjoy your day out. Looking forward to hearing how it went for you.

 

Thank NXS

 

Yeah it makes it a bit easier to swallow knowing I was the one who screwed up many years. If I were the "perfect husband" if there is such a thing I would probably be alot more devestated and hopefully have the strength to say IM Done! But no one knows for sure till they are faced with that situation.

 

Trust me when I tell you! I F**ked up alot! for many many years! even some friends of ine said they were suprised she stood so long! tO her credit, She did tell me weeks earlier she wasnt in love with me anymore and and wanted the seperation... I honestly believe nothing happened prior to that (maybe a date or two but nothing major) cause she was still sleeping with me till the day I left.

 

Most women I know of will not sleep with there husband if they are sleeping with someone else at the time. Decent women just dont do that..

 

She is a good women and put up with tons of crap! Thats why I am even bothering to try and repair anything...

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi HSB,

 

Happy Birthday!

 

Anyways I only very quickly breezed through your thread (I am out of town for the weekend and, surprise, have 10% left on my phone again!)

 

Best of luck today.

 

I did notice the maturity comments regarding the issue of your wife.

IME, spouses tend to have very close-ranges of focus and maturity. That's why they get together in the first place.

 

As well if you were to read Gottman's Seven Principles to Making Marriage work, you would be able to see that eventually in a down-spiralling relationship you can really "flood" your spouse just with your presence. It becomes pretty hard to talk about ANYTHING with them, much less working on marital issues.

 

I have though about this thread a lot but haven't the time I would like to spend on it.

 

Just quickly then, when you see her DO NOT under any circumstances:

 

1. Blow up

2. Criticize

3. Go On the defensive

 

Be polite and friendly. If she pokes at you, just ignore it at first. If it persists, then maybe excuse yourself for a few minutes (use the bathroom or something). If it is really nutty, tell her that you have to leave AND DO SO.

let her know that you will see her some other time.

 

Just really have a ton of self-control. Remember: consistency.

[soserious1]

The "hottest" thing you could possibly show your wife is the sanity & stability of lifestyle that comes from steadily adhering to the AA 12 step program!

[hurts_so_bad]

Ok guys on my way.....I feel good! wish me luck! I will post updates tomorrow...

[trippi1432]

Good luck and happy birthday HSB. Don't try to force anything and just enjoy the day with the kids.

[trippi1432]

Actually Coop, after living with a gambler for 15 years...I don't place bets. Obsessive disorder is a problem for a lot of people...not just gambling, not just drinking...too numerous to list actually. It negatively impacts not just the person, but those around them as well.

 

I'm actually pulling for HSB today. I applaud him on what he has realized about himself as well as his marriage, but I do hope he realizes that his actions and reactions count and it will be an uphill battle to un-do the learning on both his and his wife's part that has been present for 17 years. Again, Rome wasn't built in a day, but each little success will feel like a victory.

[trippi1432]

Ah Coop...here in the South, we have a saying for what you just posted back to me....'Bless your heart'. :o

[trippi1432]

Only if you are under 18 and just lost the argument.

 

I forgot to add..notice the "wink".....LOL!!

[hurts_so_bad]

Posting from my phone right now. Things are going very well so far. I will get in mote detail tomorrow

[hurts_so_bad]

You lost! so thats what five for trippi and ten for me? Cool as a cucumber! We spoke, laughed, played around with the dogs, joked with the kids, Had dinner, and she bought me a small cheese cake for my Bday and everyone sung happy Bday to me.....We spoke alot and had a lot of eye contact which I think is a good thing but what do I know!? She was also very attentive...everything I said she heard and responded too...

 

She is now showering getting ready for bed. Thats why I am on now. Earlier I posted from my cell phone COOP! she was cooking and just wanted to give a quick update..

 

No gifts but she said she really didnt have any money to give the kids for gifts so thats fine with me....

 

She looks so friggin hot! She lost like 15 pounds and boy was I tempted but I know thats a no no!

 

Dont even know what her true feelings are so cant do that. Just gotta play it as cool as I can and hope for the best!

 

I love her so much and just hope that sooner or later she changes her mind about me or I can get over her cause I have a feeling tomorrow I may be posting that I am back at square 1 again!

 

Also she asked me if I could check the outlet for her tomorrow before I leave. The one I mentioned the dryer and washing machine are connected too... What do you guys make of that? dont think she did all this just for me to check the outlet do you? Hope not!

[trippi1432]

Good update HSB, but remember....again, Rome wasn't built in a day and it won't be built tonight either no matter where the two of you wind up. Permanent changes are the ones that bind...and it will be some time before either of you appreciate them.

 

Keep your head up, and keep clear of expectations. If you are back to square one tomorrow, it will only be because you put yourself there. For every force, there is an equal and opposite force.

 

And screw the outlet...just check it, it's not going to hurt anything.

[hurts_so_bad]

Good update HSB, but remember....again, Rome wasn't built in a day and it won't be built tonight either no matter where the two of you wind up. Permanent changes are the ones that bind...and it will be some time before either of you appreciate them.

 

Keep your head up, and keep clear of expectations. If you are back to square one tomorrow, it will only be because you put yourself there. For every force, there is an equal and opposite force.

 

And screw the outlet...just check it, it's not going to hurt anything.

 

Hey Trippi

 

I dont mean square one by doing something stupid cause Im not and besides she is already asleep! lol....I mean square one as far as my feelings and the hurt. My expectations are none....I am taking it as she was just being nice to me on my Bday thats all even so I would love to think it may be more!

[hurts_so_bad]

ok here goes! I check my wifes match.com account now and then just to see if she is still active. I figure if she is still active than she is probably not seriously involded with this guy from work. Anyway, I checked on my home computer today and she never signed out! I was able to access he account! There were a few guys she winked at and emailed back and forth with but nothing that seemed real serious.

 

This bothers me a bit but should I let this bother me?

 

I didnt do this too be nosey I came across it by mistake.

[trippi1432]

This bothers me a bit but should I let this bother me?

 

Considering that you found nothing serious, but came across it "by mistake" ...when we go looking for demons, we typically find something to make em bigger.

 

The choice is yours......you can choose to react to this....or you can choose to understand that everything you have done in the past brings you where you are today and choose to react differently.

[hurts_so_bad]

Considering that you found nothing serious, but came across it "by mistake" ...when we go looking for demons, we typically find something to make em bigger.

 

The choice is yours......you can choose to react to this....or you can choose to understand that everything you have done in the past brings you where you are today and choose to react differently.

 

 

Im going to leave it alone...We are seperated after all......It just gets me worrying that she is truely done and no matter what I do isnt going to matter........ One thing that does cheer me up is the fact that she was mine for 20 years and gave me three beautiful children so we are always going to be part of eachothers lives no matter what.

 

 

Oh almost forgot to mention. In one email to a guy on match I did see she wrote, "I see you do not drink and that is a huge asset being that is the main reason I left my husband"

[hurts_so_bad]

I am also affraid of being strung along! I dont want to be kept within arms reach in case things dont work out with anyone else. How do I prevent that?

[dreamingoftigers]

Im going to leave it alone...We are seperated after all......It just gets me worrying that she is truely done and no matter what I do isnt going to matter........ One thing that does cheer me up is the fact that she was mine for 20 years and gave me three beautiful children so we are always going to be part of eachothers lives no matter what.

 

 

Oh almost forgot to mention. In one email to a guy on match I did see she wrote, "I see you do not drink and that is a huge asset being that is the main reason I left my husband"

 

See that bolded part! Your chances just doubled!

 

That attitude right there is perfect! It shows that you are willing to accept what is beyond your control and still have gratitude for the things you have and have had.

 

That's great! That attitude is what wins at the end of the day when things look bleak.

 

Just keep in mind: CONSISTENCY

[standtall]

 

 

I am also affraid of being strung along! I dont want to be kept within arms reach in case things dont work out with anyone else. How do I prevent that?

 

By reading between the lines here

 

In one email to a guy on match I did see she wrote, "I see you do not drink and that is a huge asset being that is the main reason I left my husband"

 

sorry to say it, but I think she has done checked out. I know I'm sounding harsh, but that has been my take on it since you started this thread, and nothing seems to have changed other than your very recent sobriety....[very good BTW.]

[dreamingoftigers]

Actually Coop, after living with a gambler for 15 years...I don't place bets. Obsessive disorder is a problem for a lot of people...not just gambling, not just drinking...too numerous to list actually. It negatively impacts not just the person, but those around them as well.

 

I'm actually pulling for HSB today. I applaud him on what he has realized about himself as well as his marriage, but I do hope he realizes that his actions and reactions count and it will be an uphill battle to un-do the learning on both his and his wife's part that has been present for 17 years. Again, Rome wasn't built in a day, but each little success will feel like a victory.

 

Bingo! The italicized (I would've put it in bold by I hit the wrong button on my phone and taking 5 mins to correct not fun!)

[NXS]

Hey HSB congratulations!!

 

Sounds like the day went well for you, remember it was just a birthday party and no big deal right? You got through the day without having a major blowout and I assume you had a good time with the kids. Also your posting is becoming clearer and less frantic, you're making good progress.

 

Prior to it you were a quivering mess of humanity.

 

Just keep practising on your impulse control, keep putting one foot in front of the other and going forward in small steps. Are you still going to your AA meetings?

[hurts_so_bad]

Yes I have found a few groups in the area that Ive been goig to a few nights a week. Its a bit rough to make them more frequent with my work out schedule and all...I uch rather work out but I know I need them both!

 

I am still a mess! I dot know if you seen my posting regarding the match.com thing but that kinda put a bad taste in my ouch after a niice day! I was as cool as I coud be, We laughed smiled at eachother, she hung around me aot believe it or not!

 

The match thing is just killing me though! I see some jackass gave her his number and both of their profiles are now private. I do see the last time they emailed eachother was the 4th of this month but he gave his number so who knows whats up!

 

Its just killing me! Its easier to handle now butits still botherig me!

[hurts_so_bad]

by the way I read two books...One called the secret and another called the magic. They are both by the same author and the magic is like the sequel to the secret. The secret is based on laws of attraction. Not with men and women but with your mind and the universe or God. It teaches "like attracts like" In other words, If you constantly think of bad you will get bad in return because you attract it. If you keep you mind focused on positive and are gratful for what you do have the universe with provide more good for you.

 

The magic just pretty much helps you think positive by teaching you to be greatful. When you are greatful you think positive and thats about the jist of it...These two books have come to me at the most difficult time in my life when its a major major chalenge to think positive but, They have helped me big time!

 

I would suggest anyone going threw the s**t I am get these two books and read them!

[worldgonewrong]

hurts_so_bad: you can't go wrong with gratitude. Stick with it. I've noticed when I pour my thoughts toward gratitude, the Universe/GOD aligns more closely with me in a positive direction, even if it's baby steps.

[hurts_so_bad]

hurts_so_bad: you can't go wrong with gratitude. Stick with it. I've noticed when I pour my thoughts toward gratitude, the Universe/GOD aligns more closely with me in a positive direction, even if it's baby steps.

 

 

Love your pic of jimmy stewart! Its a wonderful life is my all time favorite movie...No No No No! I want a big one! Thats the part when he is getting his suitecase!