recently seperated and need

[hurts_so_bad]

Ok guys! You are definitely going to yell at me but what happened happeed and I cant change it now! First off I fixed the outlet. I had a 6:30pm bus which is the same time my wife was supposed to be home from work. So it was maybe 6:10 when I was ready to leave for the bus when who walks in? You guessed it! I told her I fixed the outlet and she said thanks!

 

Then she said she needed to talk to me .....Anyway, she sat in the yard with me and said she spoke to a lawyer about how much I am supposed to give her per week cause she is not making the bills I know in NY the standard for 3 children is 29% so I am actually giving her 40% which is a bit more for the mortgage, my cell phone, and car insurance which she is keeping me on. I know if it goes to the courts I would have to pay a bit more.

 

I want to and will help her out as much as I can. I dont want you guys to think I am a deadbeat but she has got to realize that this isnt easy and not going to be a cakewalk for either of us! When I was home I had a small ebay business selling things which helped with the bills.I cant do that right now since this seperation. So there is alot less money coming in.

 

Right now things are tough and I am giving as much as I possibly can which is over $400 a week...Anyway I turned and told her I dont want to talk about this right now and I have to leave She said, Well we have too cause I cant pay the bills! I told her well you cant get water out of a rock!

Then it came out!

 

I lost my cool! I told her your driving me up a wall..First you want me to take the house over and you get an apt..Then you change your mind. Now your saying Im not giving you enough! Then I said, why dont you get your boyfriend Jason your talking too on match.com to help with the bills! She said, I closed my account and I didnt like him anyway! I turned and said your going to make me miss my bus and I left..

 

 

I also mentioned selling the house out of anger...

She keeps mentioning things like when the kids get to 18 years old "IF WE ARE STILL NOT TOGETHER" then we can sell the house and split all the assets..What should I make of that?

 

Dont be too hard on me guys!

[2sunny]

I actually think you did fine.

 

Stick to what you pay. Keep copies!

 

If she intends to go to court she'll have to cough up money to do that.

 

She must be spending...

 

But that's for her to change - not you.

[hurts_so_bad]

Good...you got it to work and caught your bus..how are the kids?

 

 

Kids are good we went to the diner and had some laughs. Played some music on those little jukeoxes they have and it was blasting loud! We disturbed the whole diner! lol

[hurts_so_bad]

I actually think you did fine.

 

Stick to what you pay. Keep copies!

 

If she intends to go to court she'll have to cough up money to do that.

 

She must be spending...

 

But that's for her to change - not you.

 

Yeah well, between the cigarettes, ordering in food, It gets expensive! I dont want to get into finances but I take in well over $4000 a month when Im working and we were having a hard time..She is getting about $3600 now between her job ad what I guive her, so its gonna be hard! I wil help her out but she needs to realize its not gonna be easy! I also dont want to lose my house!

[trippi1432]

Hey HSB - No, not going to be hard on you, the only thing I am going to say is to stay away from the personal jabs when you are face to face with her....good for you on leaving and catching your bus, having a good time with the kids and fixing the outlet.

 

The hard side of the "business" of divorce is figuring out how to pay all the bills that were there before, and she will have to figure out how to budget. Keep in mind that talking to a lawyer and getting one are two entirely different things. Until a retainer is paid, an attorney will tell her what she wants to hear.

[hurts_so_bad]

I really dnt think she wants a divorce to be honest...Like I said, She keeps metionig things like If we are not together in the future, Maybe we will be back together by next year and so on... She also dropped her match.com account about a week after I dropped mine... something is going on in her head and I dont think she wants to tell me....

[hurts_so_bad]

I kind of have her thinking I want nothing to do with her by my actions and thigs Ive said. Maybe I need to lay off that hard nosed attitude alittle huh?

[trippi1432]

Right now, she probably doesn't know what she wants. Part of the 180 is designed for you to give her space and no pressure to figure that out, the other part is designed for you not act on anger and emotional triggers.

 

It's not bad that you learned about the match account being deleted...BUT, stay away from the jabs. Don't bait and don't be baited....and it would help not to over-analyze because that just feeds the anxiety.

 

When she is ready to tell you what is going on in her head, she will.

[2sunny]

Just stay busy. Get to AA meetings and do your step work with a sponsor! Top priority!

 

No need to interact with her unless absolutely necessary.

 

Just lay low and take care of you for now.

 

She can figure out how to cut expenses - eating out is expensive! But that's not for you to tell her.

[hurts_so_bad]

Right now, she probably doesn't know what she wants. Part of the 180 is designed for you to give her space and no pressure to figure that out, the other part is designed for you not act on anger and emotional triggers.

 

It's not bad that you learned about the match account being deleted...BUT, stay away from the jabs. Don't bait and don't be baited....and it would help not to over-analyze because that just feeds the anxiety.

 

When she is ready to tell you what is going on in her head, she will.

 

 

I hear ya Trippi

 

I think I am doing well aside for the blowout yesterday and it wasnt that bad More like a lite argument than a blowout. But I am not going to be a quivering punk...Thats just not in my personality...Atleast not with her anyway. Not all things that come out of my mouth will be the right things to say but it in most cases is what I mean. I always had that problem!

[andyg99]

I just read through this entire thread and here is my 2 cents whatever that is worth (I guess that would be 2 cents?!)

 

Anyway everything you really needed to hear was in post #2 of this thread. You have a drinking problem that you are still in denial over ("I don't get drunk every day", "I don't drink the next day", etc...). With 3 DWI's you have probably driven drunk dozens of more times without getting caught. You should be proud of 2 months of sobriety! But you need months and months of help whether it be AA or individual counseling (ideally both).

 

Coop has accused you of drinking many times in this thread, I believe you that you are sincere when saying you aren't. Did you learn in AA about "dry drunks"? Some of your behavior is classic "dry drunk".

 

AA can help you with the drinking (as you have already been finding out) and the counseling can help you deal with the failed marriage. Yes, it's most likely over. Some awesome folks have given great advice, but when you add alcohol to the mix I'm afraid the advice you get here is just not enough.

 

You ask this question many times: "so what do I do?" Well here’s my take:

 

My advice would be to put all your effort into AA and therapy, save yourself first - don't even consider your marriage right now. Let your wife know what you are doing and let her go. These things take a while, if you don't go after sobriety 100% you will drag down your wife and kids with you. Sobriety is just a part of yor life now – it must be #1. You have a great future as a father to your kids (it makes me sad that a day with your kids is overshadowed by your obsession with your wife)…

 

You are losing altitude my friend…. and what do you do when you are on a plane with your kid and those masks pop out? You put YOURS on first.

[hurts_so_bad]

well I didnt start the blowout.. I was about to leave but ran into her by mistake. It was about her wanting more money. I tried to avoid it. How am I better off then 2 months ago? I feel much better both mentally and physically, I am thinking clearer and starting to except she isnt mine anymore. I am working on myself being a better man threw AA meetings and working out.

 

I dont know how long it took you to put your stuff back together but its easy to sit back and point fingers when your back in good shape again. If it took 6 more months for your marriage to come together I am sure you would have been hurting that much longer NO? Asking any many more questions as well, NO?

 

I just post whats going on to update everyone and get everyones take on things...It also helps me clear my head a bit when I have my downtime.

[hurts_so_bad]

So move back in

 

 

lol...yeah that wont happen! unless she wants it

[hurts_so_bad]

As the guy should of been doing ages ago.

 

ouroboros

 

Lay low is easier said than done! 3 kids remember? They are most important and I have to see them. With seeing the is seeing her in most cases as you all know my license situation.

[hurts_so_bad]

Does she text you much or call you when you are apart?

 

Does she ask you what you`ve been up too?

 

Does she talk about good things thats happened or just bad things?

 

 

Hey Coop

I get texts here and there mostly regarding whats up with the kids and as you know about the text last week for my birthday Thats about it. We had nice conversation Sunday not speaking anything about us just about work, the kids, etc...She said she heard I was down in Atlantic city and asked about that....things like that. Thats really all.

[2sunny]

Many suggestions have been made on how Ninja can change HIM... But he CHOOSES to focus on changing what he can't change = his wife.

 

But I will tell you this - WHEN he decides to change HIM and approaches this whole situation in a DIFFERENT manner and with a different attitude - that is when he will see change in her!

 

We DO AFFECT others - and she's used to him making demands so she can say no. So any CONTRARY ACTION on Ninja's behalf would automatically invoke change in the marriage.

 

Opposite action bring a different reaction. I have evidence to prove it.

 

Even no reaction (no matter what) is a new action! One that brings a calm in the midst of a storm.

 

I have chaos around me on a regular basis - but I always CHOOSE not to react to the chaos - it shuts the chaos down more quickly! I don't grow negative energy with MORE negative energy.

 

Some words to shut down negative energy used can be simple responses:

 

Yes

NO

Maybe

Let me think about that

I'll get back to on that

What do you plan to do about that?

Let me know how that works out

That doesn't work for me

Thanks for telling me

And a useful one ---> Hmmmmmmm

 

Nothing else needs to be said except those simple responses.

 

It sends a clear message that you heard them but doesn't engage them in any emotional exchange.

 

Also - when I'm not talking it allows ME to be a good listener! And it's amazing what people say to fill the silence! Nervous chatter to take up the space is very interesting to listen to...

 

This opposite action provides a peace of mind that I'm not going to ALLOW someone else to "bait me" and get a crazy emotional reaction from ME.

 

It's like watching someone dump a bunch of their $hit at my feet and they expect ME to fix it... I simply show with my NONACTIONS that I'm not the one to clean up their $hit. Doing NOTHING and saying nothing but "that is YOURS to clean up"or "let me know how that works out" tells them I'm not their dumping ground.

 

I'm not expected to fix everything for everyone. I can only DO me!

 

Make sense?

 

No reaction (most of the time) is the perfect reaction!

 

But when someone's life is on the line my only response I need to say is "how can I be helpful?"

 

There's beauty in not growing negative energy bigger to adding in more chaos! If you ignore the negative energy long enough - it will go away!

 

I posted this for Ninjas Husband...but it may be helpful for you as well - hope so! Enjoy today!

[NXS]

My son watches the girls most times. He is 17

 

HSB your son needs time for himself - friends/girlfriends/study etc. Is there any way you could help out here? Does he complain about this?

 

I assume your daughters are also in their teens. All your kids are getting towards the stage where they will be adults over the next few years and will start to move away from you. You should try and schedule time with them before this happens. You don't want to end up alienated from them altogether.

[NXS]

Ok guys! You are definitely going to yell at me but what happened happeed and I cant change it now! First off I fixed the outlet. I had a 6:30pm bus which is the same time my wife was supposed to be home from work. So it was maybe 6:10 when I was ready to leave for the bus when who walks in? You guessed it! I told her I fixed the outlet and she said thanks!

 

Then she said she needed to talk to me .....Anyway, she sat in the yard with me and said she spoke to a lawyer about how much I am supposed to give her per week cause she is not making the bills I know in NY the standard for 3 children is 29% so I am actually giving her 40% which is a bit more for the mortgage, my cell phone, and car insurance which she is keeping me on. I know if it goes to the courts I would have to pay a bit more.

 

I want to and will help her out as much as I can. I dont want you guys to think I am a deadbeat but she has got to realize that this isnt easy and not going to be a cakewalk for either of us! When I was home I had a small ebay business selling things which helped with the bills.I cant do that right now since this seperation. So there is alot less money coming in.

 

Right now things are tough and I am giving as much as I possibly can which is over $400 a week...Anyway I turned and told her I dont want to talk about this right now and I have to leave She said, Well we have too cause I cant pay the bills! I told her well you cant get water out of a rock!

 

I would be wary of paying for everything, you've given her choices here and she's decided to stay in the house. Also, not sure how it works there but you could be setting a precedent if it goes to court i.e. the judge may decide that whatever you've been paying you're obviously capable of paying. You may need some legal advice here to clarify this.

 

 

I also mentioned selling the house out of anger...

She keeps mentioning things like when the kids get to 18 years old "IF WE ARE STILL NOT TOGETHER" then we can sell the house and split all the assets..What should I make of that?

 

It sounds like she's making longterm plans here, doesn't mean she'll stick to them of course but this may be what she's thinking for the future. I think it's time to start thinking about plans for yourself, there's not much sign of a reconciliation even though you've been working on yourself a lot.

[NXS]

 

From what OP`s told us, I think he has a great chance at reconciliation.

 

Not sure about that, she just seems polite but business-like with him.

[2sunny]

yeah maybe.

 

This is why he really needs to find out what she really wants.

 

Does she want the marriage?

 

Yes....then she really needs to start making an effort and `forgive` him of his past.

 

No..... Then he can start moving on with his life, for him.

 

Limbo is not a good place to be.

 

She doesn't need to forgive until he shows LONG TERM change for the better.

 

She needs evidence that he's changing.

 

HSB - are you going to AA meetings? How many each day?

 

This is important! I hope you will answer...

 

How can she forgive until she trusts that you aren't gonna go back to your old ways? Time helps - consistency helps - and NO drama helps!

 

Trust is earned - this is what must be done to earn that trust back. You must be predictable, someone she can count on, someone who is trustWORTHY...

 

The steps in the program will show you how to find new behavior - never needing to revert back to "old behavior" ever again.

 

That old pattern can be found in step 4...5th column = how did I participate?

 

Then that old behavior can be changed by doing contrary action moving forward...

[NXS]

 

When did he start going to AA ???

 

He's been going all along afaik, I asked him a few days ago and he said he's going a few nights a week (in-between his workouts).

[NXS]

Has he mentioned it anywhere on this thread?

 

Because this has be bought up before( i mean about his drinking ( and he said it was never a problem..i.e, not alcoholic..just unlucky))

 

Last time was post 655.

[NXS]

ok got it..thank you.

 

now what post was he answering?

 

Jeez Coops, pay attention in class will ya?

 

It was the post just before it.

[NXS]

 

lol...i got a lot going on in my own life!!!

 

OK...the post before that you mentioned " are you still going to AA class" ?? ok?

 

NOW show the post where he said he was going to them to begin with?

 

Or maybe i am just having a bald blond day?

 

Look here -> ........................................................................................................................................... post 750 ^

 

I have a life too......

[2sunny]

The inconsistencies are what we are trying to decipher... And change is needed in his INconsistencies.

 

I'd still love it if HE answered for himself - because HE needs to show accountability for what he is or isn't DOING.

 

They aren't "classes" - its a new way of living - getting happy- IF he'd do his work in the program.

 

Are you doing steps with a sponsor HSB?