recently seperated and need

[trippi1432]

Rome wasnt built in a day.

 

This has just hit me at the worst possible time in my life! I feel like I lost everything and have nothing! If I can make it threw this I can do anything!

 

That's right, it wasn't....and patience, empathy and understanding that you have asked for yourself is also what your family needs to see from you.

[2sunny]

I understand exactly what you are saying but Rome wasnt built in a day. I am taking steps little by little. 1st step was to quit drinking. I am going to AA....I was never on parole...After the third DWI I was sentenced to 16 weekends in jail because I have a job and family so the judge didnt sentence me to straight time. I do have probation which does check with breathalizers and swabs to make sure there is no drinking.

 

I am not making any excuses for my past behaviors. All I said in other posts was my drinking was more due to the fact that I liked to hang out. My hanging out days are over! I knew no other way to hang out in the past. It was always in bars on the weekends but not everyday. Like I said, NO EXCUSES here! I know I have a problem with alchohol and I am doing what I can to remedy the problem.

 

This has just hit me at the worst possible time in my life! I feel like I lost everything and have nothing! If I can make it threw this I can do anything!

 

Someone who drinks like you do always has reason why they CHOSE to get numb - to cover up their pain.

 

You need to admit to yourself what that pain is - the pain that you've stuffed so far down that you don't even intend to admit it to yourself.

 

Trauma is usually at the root of why someone drinks like you do - so much that you can't stop even though you are causing brutal harm - yet you just kept drinking.

 

You have a problem... And until you deal with the cause of that trauma - and work to the other side of it - you will most likely go back to drinking as your coping method.

 

You have so much work to do on YOURSELF - yet you just keep focusing on what your wife may or may not be doing.

 

Stop focusing on her - focus on you!

[2sunny]

You're so upset that she accused you of trying to kill her that you rewarded being mad at her by having sex with her and sleeping over?

 

You don't even make sense sometimes.

 

Deal directly and only with your kids.

 

Stop the games with her! You two act like you are two years old. Stop offering dinner and dates.

 

Start dealing with the problems you have with you. You need serious counseling. Please get help.

 

Any drama is created by interacting with her - the solution comes when you stop communicating with her - at least for six months.

 

And don't tell me you have to communicate with her for your kids - no you don't! Call your 17 year old. Call while she's at work. Stop using that as an excuse.

 

You want a R with your kids - communicate only with the kids.

[hurts_so_bad]

You're so upset that she accused you of trying to kill her that you rewarded being mad at her by having sex with her and sleeping over?

 

You don't even make sense sometimes.

 

Deal directly and only with your kids.

 

Stop the games with her! You two act like you are two years old. Stop offering dinner and dates.

 

Start dealing with the problems you have with you. You need serious counseling. Please get help.

 

Any drama is created by interacting with her - the solution comes when you stop communicating with her - at least for six months.

 

And don't tell me you have to communicate with her for your kids - no you don't! Call your 17 year old. Call while she's at work. Stop using that as an excuse.

 

You want a R with your kids - communicate only with the kids.

 

 

Hey Sunny

I didnt have sex with her, she wouldnt let me. I would have though! What can I say? Im a guy. I was more upset afterwards because I thought she believed me ad thats why she was talking to me ad being nice. The next morning is whe I got the text saying she felt better that the mechanic said it wasnt me. Thats what really upset me! I thought at that point she believed me. She still needed to be told. How could she think so low of me.

 

I have decided no matter how much it hurts not to talk to her anymore and only talk to my kids everyday by phone.

 

Hope you guys think this is a good plan..

[trippi1432]

I have decided no matter how much it hurts not to talk to her anymore and only talk to my kids everyday by phone.

 

Hope you guys think this is a good plan..

 

I think it would be a tremendous improvement to be honest. You have stated previously that you could have a better relationship with your children...no better time than the present to do something about that.

 

I will advise though, develop a relationship with them....don't do it because you want to keep tabs on your wife. What ever developments happen in her life are outside of your control.

 

As to the tire, big deal....turn down the drama magnet a notch or two. She probably re-iterated what the nut-case tow driver told her to the mechanic and he confirmed that it wasn't tampered with. Stop over-dramatizing that she specifically asked the mechanic to confirm that you weren't trying to kill her, I can just imagine how that is rolling around in your head to make yourself a victim. Stop the noise already.

[hurts_so_bad]

I am not claiming to be the victim of anything....What I am not allowed to be upset that my wife thinks I am a F**king nut that I would do something like that? I think any one of you guys/gals would be pretty upset about that! We are together 20 years! She should know better by now that I am not a phyco!

 

I still love her but I a very upset that she can think that way about me. So I have decided not to bother with her anymore. Thats it. Bottom line! Coop I dont know what you are getting at! I dont half the time!

 

I will keep in touch with the kids everyday but have to start movig on with my life now. The more I see or talk to her the more my heart gets involved and the more it hurts and makes it harder to move on. I dont think there has been a full week without us talking by phone or text since we seperated....It needs to end here...

[trippi1432]

Believe me HSB - there isn't anyone here who hasn't gone through what you are going through emotionally and many men and women who loved their spouses and probably still do that didn't get that "label".

 

So...if you are going to go no contact with her to work on yourself, good. Hopefully you are not putting together a text message or email to her right now telling her how much this incident hurt you and for that, you are no longer going to talk to her about anything other than the kids........NC isn't a punishment, it's to give you the space you need to get yourself together and heal.

[hurts_so_bad]

HSB - Of course you are fed up, look at the drama in the course of just this incident....on BOTH of your parts.

 

First, the tire incident....drama. If you were really fed up and upset about the whole thing, you would have caught the bus home instead of trying to convince your wife to play these little games with you.

 

So...let me ask you, why are you not just giving her a quick okay to the texts and letting it go? You are acting very passive/aggressive in these interactions with her...these ARE inconsistencies.

 

She hits with drama over the tire and accusations....you hit back with she is giving these guys all these chances...let's make it all playful and spend an evening together. She doesn't give you what you are really looking for...A: a roll in the hay for good times sake or B: giving you back what you really want...your wife. You wake up, go home and then punish her by stone-walling with silence.

 

Why? Because your mind is still all over the place and that thought process leads to inconsistency. First, your not just giving a simple one word response and letting it go. The one person who can change the outcome of your situation is you. I've watched for three pages and not said anything because other's have already told you what you already know and say you are doing. But where you haven't gotten to yet in your program is understanding how the thought process of someone going through sobriety and overcoming alcohol is affected.

 

You are still caught up in the muck and mire of your own personal crisis....centered around you. You can choose to be the star of your own drama or you can remember that there is a wife of almost 20 years and 3 children who all have an equal part in how you and your wife have determined the outcome of your situation. Continue doing the work to change the outcome of your situation and stop trying to force things with your wife....it's up to both of you to stop the games and the drama....still playing tit for tat......

 

 

Trippi

I think I am finally getting what you guys are saying. You are saying that I say one thing but do another am I right? Thats what you mean by inconsistanciess? These actions have nothing to do with alchohol You guys may think so but I can tell you exactly what they are about.

 

They are about the fact that I dont know which way to act in order to get my wife back. I am trying tricks in hopes she will love me again or be afraid she is losig me and come back to me. On the other hand when I see her I breakdown.... I know I knowI have to work on me and have decided this as of today. thats why I chose not to speak with her anymore.

 

My inconsistencies are from the fact that I have been on this site and 100 others. I get advice from all you guys and others.

 

I get advice telling me to just be nice and advice telling me to be the ALPHA male! I am confused on what to do. Thats all...Nothing to do with alchohol....

 

You know my story very well and what has transipired so far. What do you think my best course of action is from here? Please tell me one more time as I have a hard head! tell me the best way to work this that may work best for me to put my life back together and maybe my family one day......

 

I am going to AA, I am taking care of myself, and I am keeping in touch with the kids, what else?

[hurts_so_bad]

NC isn't a punishment, it's to give you the space you need to get yourself together and heal.

 

See I thought it was a bit of both. I thought it was to heal and for your spouse to wonder a bit.... I am not putting any text message together believe me...I cat do it anymore! Its killing me and briing me right back to square 1 every time!

[hurts_so_bad]

End of what thou??

 

 

End of the communication with her. Like I said, We speak oe way or another atleast once a week and that has to end.

[hurts_so_bad]

You asked me to stay out of this thread cos you didn`t like what i put?...

 

Know what ???...i`m fine with that.

 

 

You dont listen anyway.

 

 

Good luck

 

Dude if thats what you want to do then do it! You post nothing but questions about my inconsistancies! post something positive for me to work with and I will listen! If you look back at your past 20-30 posts they say absolutely nothing but digs! You say I learned nothing! what havent I learned? Tell me that.Tell me one thing I am missing and we can go from there....I think u r the one with the drinking problem not for nothing! Can anyone else see this or am I nuts?

[hurts_so_bad]

Being ` defensive` again..

 

 

Drinking `again`?

 

 

I`m <<< not the one with the problem

 

YOU on the other hand.... are the one with the problem

 

 

This is MY thread or YOURS??

 

 

I have NO problem.

 

 

 

i dont have 3 dwi`s

 

 

i dont " grab my wife round her neck" when she wont sleep with me

 

 

shall i go i on about `your` inconsistencies?

 

Who the hell said I grabbed my wife around the neck? what r u talking about? Ive had tons of different advice from different people! If you have something constructive to say say it istead of your constant digs! Thats all!

[hurts_so_bad]

I grabbed my wifes face gently and kissed her! There was no force at all if that is what u r gettig at...

[trippi1432]

Trippi

I think I am finally getting what you guys are saying. You are saying that I say one thing but do another am I right? Thats what you mean by inconsistanciess? These actions have nothing to do with alchohol You guys may think so but I can tell you exactly what they are about.

 

They are about the fact that I dont know which way to act in order to get my wife back. I am trying tricks in hopes she will love me again or be afraid she is losig me and come back to me. On the other hand when I see her I breakdown.... I know I knowI have to work on me and have decided this as of today. thats why I chose not to speak with her anymore.

 

My inconsistencies are from the fact that I have been on this site and 100 others. I get advice from all you guys and others.

 

I get advice telling me to just be nice and advice telling me to be the ALPHA male! I am confused on what to do. Thats all...Nothing to do with alchohol....

 

You know my story very well and what has transipired so far. What do you think my best course of action is from here? Please tell me one more time as I have a hard head! tell me the best way to work this that may work best for me to put my life back together and maybe my family one day......

 

I am going to AA, I am taking care of myself, and I am keeping in touch with the kids, what else?

 

To be honest HSB, we have all been at that point in the beginning....and that is quite normal. BUT, I will say that due to the issues with drinking and the fact that you are still working through AA and the issues, the inconsistencies are going to be more pronounced.

 

And yes, when you get conflicting advice, it doesn't make it any easier. I did a lot of wrong things when my ex and I split up....just about everyone here has. This is why the abundance of advice for you has been to get yourself together first and stop worrying about what she is and isn't doing. I think you realize a lot of your own issues...but you are so obsessed about her, you can't work on you.

 

We can't give you a roadmap for how to do things....but if I had it to do over again I would have done it just like this:

1. Went LC and work on my own issues.

2. Heal and work on my relationship with my kids.

3. Heal and work on my relationship with my family and friends....make new friends....surround myself with healthy people.

4. Set new goals in my life....easy ones first....stretch goals next.

5. Until I completed the above, I would not be looking for someone to fill my time with nor would I expect my ex to come back....I would work on moving forward in my life.

 

None of these things are designed to make someone come back to you....people have free will and only they control themselves.

 

See I thought it was a bit of both. I thought it was to heal and for your spouse to wonder a bit.... I am not putting any text message together believe me...I cat do it anymore! Its killing me and briing me right back to square 1 every time!

 

Any of this that we are telling you is not to pull your spouse back, but sometimes, as a side effect, and after your spouse has had some space to work on their issues or (in some cases) go a little nuts....a spouse has come back in some occasions. The fact is, until you have done the work on some of your issues yourself, you won't be putting the best of you out there for her or anyone for that matter.

 

Sometimes it can all be pretty overwhelming....the forum has an ignore user option. Go to My Profile/CP and click on Edit Ignore List in the sidebar menu. Enter the name of the user you wish to ignore, and click okay. Sorry, tried to find a link for the instructions but couldn't find one.

Edited April 24, 2012 by trippi1432

[hurts_so_bad]

Thanks trippi....what is LC?

[hurts_so_bad]

Yes it is getting me confused. I mean for the most part most of u have been giving me pretty much the same advice. Just didn't know where to start with it. I am a nervouse wreck still now after 2 months! I feel like such a fu*king punk! I look at all these muscle bound dudes at the gym and ask would they be so hurt? Probably not! I just want this to end!

[trippi1432]

Thanks trippi....what is LC?

 

LC is limited contact.....you only keep your conversation about the kids....not about the two of you or any of that.

[hurts_so_bad]

At this point the only damn thing that makes me happy is to think that we may get back together. When I think otherwise it just kills me! I have way too much time on my hands and its killing me!

[hurts_so_bad]

LC is limited contact.....you only keep your conversation about the kids....not about the two of you or any of that.

 

Oh ok thanks!

[hurts_so_bad]

So I guess I have been doing the wrong thing from the star

t as in always being there and talking to her. I guess my new decision not to speak with her anymore is finally the right direction.

[trippi1432]

It's actually more quit trying to force things. You have kids together, so you will have to talk at some point concerning them.

 

In the grand scheme of things HSB, there were a lot of wrongs on both sides, I think you know that and you say you are working towards getting help for some of those things....that's what you work toward and focus on.

 

Given what you know now and in looking at how things were, what would you do to guarantee her that if you came back, things wouldn't go back to being the same?

[hurts_so_bad]

do ME a favour???

 

 

and your wife..

 

 

D

 

Dude u got some serious issues! lol....I thought I was f**ked up! Your back together with yours right? Why u on here trying to get me crazy instead of spending quality time? I know I would if I could!

[hurts_so_bad]

It's actually more quit trying to force things. You have kids together, so you will have to talk at some point concerning them.

 

In the grand scheme of things HSB, there were a lot of wrongs on both sides, I think you know that and you say you are working towards getting help for some of those things....that's what you work toward and focus on.

 

Given what you know now and in looking at how things were, what would you do to guarantee her that if you came back, things wouldn't go back to being the same?

 

I cant give any guarantees that she would believe. I know now what I can lose and I would be damned to jeopardize that again! Thats the only guarantee I could give..

 

I am having a really bad day today! I cant seem to get her off my mid and the fact that she may have met someone else aside for the original guy at her job. I wish there was a switch to turn off my heart! Really do!

 

Its been two months now and like I said before, I feel like such a f**king punk! I cant seem to see any of these guys at the gym getting this nuts over their wife or girlfriend! Is this insecurities or is it just normal to have this kind of worry..My hands were friggin shaking half the day!

 

Really poor case for a MAN!

[trippi1432]

Actually HSB, it's normal and it's insecurity as well. And even though you think those guys at the gym wouldn't be going through something similar...you would be wrong on that.

[trippi1432]

I cant give any guarantees that she would believe. I know now what I can lose and I would be damned to jeopardize that again! Thats the only guarantee I could give...

 

HSB - No, there are no guarantees that she would believe. In the 20 years that the two of you have been together....did you ever feel your relationship or her trust in you was in jeopardy?