Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 hsb - no, there are no guarantees that she would believe. In the 20 years that the two of you have been together....did you ever feel your relationship or her trust in you was in jeopardy? yes a few times Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 if you`d of listened from the start, you`d be`hearing` instead of the usual crap that ` i hear you...but... ` yeah i`m back with mine.. Not right now thou... i`m having ME time!!! She wanted to see me tonight but i had already made plans .. ok? i asked you how old you were? How is it relevant? your`re 43... and yet you act like a love struck teenager.. You think you know everything. Dude( i hate that) ...get on wth it. not in a million years are you going to listen. hear thi s..like i`ve said before,,,,,she`s better off with out YOU. Now grow the **** up . Grow a pair `being a man` is NOT grabbing her by the face It`s facing up to your responsilibities? OK???????????? ok coops!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 she called me earlier but I did not pick up and she didnt leave a message. I cant do this anyore with her! gotta keep little to no contact and work on what I need to do for my future. My brother in law just told me he may be moving to a smaller apt in which there will be no room for me. Never a dull moment! I may be able to take over this apt but have to find room mates! rent is $1800 a month! Cant afford that with giving my wife child support and all that.... this is some serious test the Lord is putting me threw! Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 this is some serious test the Lord is putting me through! that's how i sometimes view my struggle(s). Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 Yes, it feels like that HSB....when it rains, it pours. I can only tell you from my experience, my exH didn't like being put on NC...it did make him want to talk, and after 3 weeks, and he came back for a month...mind you, he's the one who gave me the I love you, but not in love with you speech AND he was the one that moved out. I will also say that it didn't do much good as he came back with a sense of entitlement that I was the one who had to do all the heavy-lifting to fix our marriage....each week that went by and 2 MC sessions, the relationship went further and further downhill. I actually stayed off of LS during that time, whether it would have helped or not, I really don't know. It really takes two to want to make it work. Until she shows you that she wants the marriage back, wants you back..the truly improved you, neither of you will be able to put your best foot forward in a relationship. I'm sorry to hear about your living arrangement. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 26, 2012 Author Share Posted April 26, 2012 Ahh I will get threw it one way or another! I can always move back with my parents but thats one option I would rather avoid! Livig there for 24 years is part of why I am all f**ked up in the first place! Always fighting, bitching, moaning! Not a good place for me rigtht now! I would rather roomates who are strangers which is kind of sad! Yeah my brother in law goes to night school and he said she text him around 5:30pm asking how things are going. He cut it short cause he had to go into class..Then she called me around 6:30pm which I did not pick up....Its actually easier not talking to her! I also kind of feel a sense of accomplishmet that I cut off the communication with her! Like up yours! lol.... Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 Well, HSB, then I take it that the direction you have decided to go in is to accept that the marriage is over and start moving forward. From here, you will have to be resolute to the things that she does....not an "up yours" sort of thing because that will make you feel immense guilt later on when you have finished your program. Down the road, when you have both had time to heal, you and she will realize things; however, your feelings may have changed for each other....that's the norm in most situations. The thing is....you stick to your commitments to stay with your program and change your life for the good, do this for you and for your relationship with your children. She will do what is best for her to move on as well, that is her right as well. It will hurt, I won't kid you on that, it will....but remain resolute in your journey. If there comes a day that the two of you are serious about being in a relationship again...and sometimes that can be a big IF...then you and her will be in a better place to discuss it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 26, 2012 Author Share Posted April 26, 2012 Well, HSB, then I take it that the direction you have decided to go in is to accept that the marriage is over and start moving forward. From here, you will have to be resolute to the things that she does....not an "up yours" sort of thing because that will make you feel immense guilt later on when you have finished your program. Down the road, when you have both had time to heal, you and she will realize things; however, your feelings may have changed for each other....that's the norm in most situations. The thing is....you stick to your commitments to stay with your program and change your life for the good, do this for you and for your relationship with your children. She will do what is best for her to move on as well, that is her right as well. It will hurt, I won't kid you on that, it will....but remain resolute in your journey. If there comes a day that the two of you are serious about being in a relationship again...and sometimes that can be a big IF...then you and her will be in a better place to discuss it. I dont want the marriage to be over but cant keep talking to or seeing her. It only makes it harder for me! Today has begun as a rough day already! I am so damn lonely and it doesnt help to know or should I say think she is out dating....Its getting me nuts! nut to the point that I just want to get even with her in such a bad way! I feel like not sending her any money anymore just to spite her but I know that will only hurt the kids and cause us too lose the house..... It felt good to here she text my brother in law and then tried calling me but I know as always there was a motive other than just looking for me.. a little over 2 months and it feels like the first damn day! I think its because I never really thought that this would last at first. Reality is now setting in and it sucks! Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 I dont want the marriage to be over but cant keep talking to or seeing her. It only makes it harder for me! Today has begun as a rough day already! I am so damn lonely and it doesnt help to know or should I say think she is out dating....Its getting me nuts! nut to the point that I just want to get even with her in such a bad way! I feel like not sending her any money anymore just to spite her but I know that will only hurt the kids and cause us too lose the house..... It felt good to here she text my brother in law and then tried calling me but I know as always there was a motive other than just looking for me.. a little over 2 months and it feels like the first damn day! I think its because I never really thought that this would last at first. Reality is now setting in and it sucks! Hang in there HSB. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 26, 2012 Author Share Posted April 26, 2012 Hang in there HSB. Im trying! Just so damn hard...I want to talk to her and tell her how sorry I am for all the years of BS I caused her and tell her how much I love her but I know I cant...Loneliness and bordum doesnt help much in this whole equasion either....Thank god for this site and you good people! Looking on this thread and typing what I feel sometimes gives me something to look forward too! Just feel like going ape ****! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 You're making progress. ;-) You know I wish you'd do the step work in the AA program right? Mainly because the whole idea to the steps is for you to have a spiritual awakening and to also get busy helping others have their own experience too, which brings hope and a sense of purpose for you. The description of a spiritual awakening is at the back of the book "a profound alteration in my reaction to things" This is why I think it has value for you. Getting an idea of that "sixth sense" and tapping into that power source could help you on SO MANY levels. It can be found by doing that step work. Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 Im trying! Just so damn hard...I want to talk to her and tell her how sorry I am for all the years of BS I caused her and tell her how much I love her but I know I cant...Loneliness and bordum doesnt help much in this whole equasion either....Thank god for this site and you good people! Looking on this thread and typing what I feel sometimes gives me something to look forward too! Just feel like going ape ****! Is there anyone IRL you can talk to about this? Maybe someone in AA you could pull aside? Preferably someone who isn't a downer or cultist and who'll let you vent and maybe have a laugh about things just to help you cope. I've a friend who's going through something similar to you, actually it's a lot worse but don't want to go into details or compare "horror stories" and we try to skype once a week (he's living in Asia). Sometimes we'll talk for hours and get into very personal issues, we usually end up having a laugh about things and it helps him get through the week. If you could find someone you could talk to like that it would help a lot. I'd avoid your former drinking mates though, they tend not to want to talk about anything too personal. Anyway something to consider. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 26, 2012 Author Share Posted April 26, 2012 I know you guys are right! I have to get a bit more serious with the recovery before I relapse....This has to absolutely be the worst time of my life and undoubtably the worst time to quit drinking! I have been hitting some meetings but I just got a new list together (thanks to google) of all the other meetings within walking distance that I can actually walk too....Need this f**king license situation cleared up! I just called my judges clerk earlier to ask if he receieved my letter. No aswer but I left a message. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 I know you guys are right! I have to get a bit more serious with the recovery before I relapse....This has to absolutely be the worst time of my life and undoubtably the worst time to quit drinking! I have been hitting some meetings but I just got a new list together (thanks to google) of all the other meetings within walking distance that I can actually walk too....Need this f**king license situation cleared up! I just called my judges clerk earlier to ask if he receieved my letter. No aswer but I left a message. If you ask the people in the mtgs to give you a ride - they normally will! Tell them how to help you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 27, 2012 Author Share Posted April 27, 2012 You know when my 1st love broke up with me when she went to college I never thought there would ever be pain like that again! I had a second break up with my second real girlfriend which also hurt..But neither one compares to this! Im startig to wonder if there is something wrog with me! Really! I was just goig threw it in my head and how many times do I need to get heartbroken in life! 3 times sees too much! All of which I was the heartbroken one! Sucks to be me right now! I keep f**king picturing her having fun with someone else etc and its drivig me nuts! I am doing what I can to stay positive and say hey "I had her for 20 years and she gave me three kids which she could never ever do for aother man cause of her heart surgeries" but it still doesnt help much! I miss her the kids and my normal life so much! Its so damn unfair that I have to do without everything I know! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 Um... Why not apologize? Not to get her to come back or all of it per se. But really, owning your part of this could go miles and miles, even if you don't get back together. Really a lot of women leave and don't come back because they figure "he just doesn't get it" or "he's just saying that to get back together." If you say the words and back them up no matter what she is doing, then that means genuine change. Admitting to her and yourself the misery that you caused is not weakness: it's an acknowledgement that you realize it hurt yer badly and that it wasn't okay. It shows that you disagree with what you did. It shows that you are not going to be just another teen she has to fear rebellion from and worry about. I never, for the life of me, understand why some guys can't see this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 27, 2012 Author Share Posted April 27, 2012 Well I think alot of guys are scared they then will be taken advantage of...Thats probably why. I have always apologized after every f*k up! I have apologized the other night but I know she doesnt believe it. She just text me about 20 minutes ago...Asking Are yu ok? I still feel bad about accusing you for the car. I spoke to your mother tonight.. Havent text her back yet. Not sure if I should Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 27, 2012 Author Share Posted April 27, 2012 well I text her back ad said, No worries....I called earlier to speak with the girls..She said, did you speak to them? I said, cant talk right now. I will call them again tomorrow. She said ok goodnight....As little convo as possible! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 27, 2012 Author Share Posted April 27, 2012 oh ok !! Yeah a little too late on that one coops...already text her but think I played it cool. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 Yeah a little too late on that one coops...already text her but think I played it cool. Why text her? You just grow drama bigger by participating... Go do your recovery first!!! As if your life depends on it - because it does!!! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 Talk only to your kids. If/ when she gets on the phone just hang up. You don't need to focus on her... You need to pay attention to growing and moving forward. Start asking people in your meetings for help- that is what they are there for!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 27, 2012 Author Share Posted April 27, 2012 Talk only to your kids. If/ when she gets on the phone just hang up. You don't need to focus on her... You need to pay attention to growing and moving forward. Start asking people in your meetings for help- that is what they are there for!!! I hear ya and thats what I am doing. Just don't understand why she cant leave me alone! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 I hear ya and thats what I am doing. Just don't understand why she cant leave me alone! Because you don't set THAT boundary! Think of it like a ball... She throws it to you - you throw it back - she throws it to you to SEE if you'll throw it back (to check if you're still feeding into HER ego)... So... You stop throwing the ball back! Just do nothing! Take this quiet time and work on being the best YOU can be! Sop throwing the ball back to her for a long while - you have work to do! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 HSB, did you get my PM? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hurts_so_bad Posted April 28, 2012 Author Share Posted April 28, 2012 HSB, did you get my PM? Yes DOT I just got them and responded..Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
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