What is your view on marriage now???

[tojaz]

No, not a jaded rant by any means, an honest question that came up today as I was having my teeth kicked in by the woman I had been seeing for the last 6 months and she was suddenly bitten by the matrimony bug.

 

Out of fairness, I have tried to be very upfront about my divorce, my ex, and my uncertainty about ever wanting to remarry. She had never expressed any problem with that fact until just recently, and now there is a huge amount of tension between us that i really don't see us recovering from.

 

All of this mess has really had me thinking about my feelings on marriage now that I have an idea of what can lurk in the shadows.

 

Those few that have been around here for a while and know my story, know that I had been with my ex for nearly a decade before we decided to marry. The marriage ceremony never really meant that much to me and wasn't a real priority in my life, not because I didn't love her enough and not because she didn't love me (Yes I still truly believe it was love, even in the aftermath) it was that I never really felt the need to have that acknowledged, by the masses, or the govt. or anyone else for that matter. All the ideals that I had about love were present and strong just fine without it. In fact I felt more loved in the years leading up to our marriage then I ever did after it, and if it weren't for my desire for my wife to be protected should something have happened to me, I doubt an actual ceremony would have ever taken place.

 

I guess what I'm saying, is that in light of these recent thoughts, I was a little shocked that my views on marriage from an emotional standpoint have managed to remain intact, but the thought of it for some reason scares me to death. Just wondering what some of the others that have come out on the other side think.

 

TOJAZ

[Steen719]

I have only been divorced for 4 months and as traumatic as it has been for me, I cannot imagine ever being married again...not ever! I am older than you and my son is grown and so I don't need to procreate...could not if I wanted... LOL. I am not saying that I do not believe in marriage, but it is not for me anymore. I could be wrong...in the future when my pain is not so raw, but if I ever get involved with another man, it would have to be a "live at your place and I'll live at my place" type of situation. Additionally, my friends and family have my permission to lock me up if I ever say I want to marry someone again.

 

I guess I might not be the right one to answer this.

[tojaz]

Steen, the right one to answer is the one that bothers to type. Your right, 4 months is very early on in the healing process and I'm sorry you had to go through it at all.

 

I'm not saying at all that I do not believe in marriage (I know it even confuses me what I'm trying to put down here), as a matter of fact, there is one momento of my marriage that I refuse to take down, a poem called "The art of marriage" by Wilferd Peterson. I've had lots of people why i still display it being close to 3 years divorced and my answer is still the same... because I believe in it. Like the people here fighting for their marriage, I still believe in that as well and have a couple thousand posts saying the same thing and nothing there has changed.

 

I think what set me off is that a person can live by that poem, or all the guidelines etc. be a good partner, a good friend, be good to someones children or family without being married, yet there are those that can only see the ring or the certificate, what have you and are more then willing to throw all that away for the "idea" of a picture perfect family.

 

I have read and lived the story where someone walks because they didn't like being defined as someones spouse, and I guess the inverse is true as well.

 

TOJAZ

[Steen719]

I suppose this could be true of younger women (and men). I never felt that compulsion to be married, but would not have wanted to have children if I were not. At this point in my life, I would rather have the type of relationship you are describing.

[worldgonewrong]

I'm still going through the sausage-grinder of divorce, so I'm probably not reliable in my thoughts, but here goes:

I believe in the institution of marriage very deeply. I took the vows before God & family. It's sacred to me.

 

That said, if I'm being spat out out of a marriage, and I've already done the vows of "forever", it's a little difficult to look at saying "forever" for a second time in the future.

Right now, the thought of marriage ever again makes me nauseous. Trust issues, I guess.

[coopster]

well i`m not divorced yet but I`m gonna answer with never say never. I`m not going to become bitter and twister just because this one never/ looks like its not going to work/ed.

Certainly not going to rush into anything even when and if MDW gets round to divorcing me. Going to enjoy a little bit of `me` time for a while .

 

But who knows what the future may bring

[marqueemoon4]

My view on marriage? I wouldn't recommend it.

[jaymz]

I have been thinking about this all day. I am not divorced yet but will be in the next couple of months. While my marriage has failed and I will always regret that, I know that it wasn't all my fault and I had some great years and 3 terrific kids that I love and adore.

 

In the future? I don't know, the thought of dating both scares and excites me. I don't know if I am ready to do that let alone have a LTR or consider marriage/kids. But I need to be realistic and know that I will have to think about wether I would like someone who has kids or doesn't, stay in my area or move away, have more kids etc but is it something I need to deal with now or if I come to it?

 

I like to think that I will be open to what ever happens, just seize life and live it and not worry about things outside of my control, it will either happen or it won't. And who knows what I will feel like in 1/5/10 years time? Especially if I do meet the woman of my dreams and keep her this time

[pteromom]

After my first marriage failed, over 17 years ago, I swore I'd never marry again. I was angry and bitter and cynical. It took 6 years for me to get into a serious relationship again.

 

As this marriage seems to be gasping its last breaths, I feel much differently. I am not angry. I just feel I married someone who isn't truly compatible with me, and I have faith that there are men out there who would be compatible with me. Someone who is happy and energetic with less focus on sex, and who isn't angry and negative and controlling. I know they are out there, because I see some of my friends in happy stable 50/50 relationships. I know they exist.

 

That said, I would be ok to never marry again too. I like being on my own and enjoy being independent. So I would leave my marriage being open to possibilities but not needing a new relationship.

 

I feel very healthy about it all...

[stopdropandroll]

Like you I took my vows seriously. In my heart I want to be married but it's hard to get over the hurdle of feeling like its wrong to want another woman. Besides that I'm not ready to be trusting and vulnerable so it's the single life for me for now.

 

I still believe in the institution of marriage I'm just not as naieve to the fact people screw up and are capable of destroying that institution.

 

I'm still going through the sausage-grinder of divorce, so I'm probably not reliable in my thoughts, but here goes:

I believe in the institution of marriage very deeply. I took the vows before God & family. It's sacred to me.

 

That said, if I'm being spat out out of a marriage, and I've already done the vows of "forever", it's a little difficult to look at saying "forever" for a second time in the future.

Right now, the thought of marriage ever again makes me nauseous. Trust issues, I guess.

[Steadfast]

Tojaz, you KNOW what the deal is when someone pushes for commitment.

 

That's a huge red flag.

 

Is this your first relationship post divorce? If so, than it was destined to fail.

 

Sorry, but it's true and I think you know it. Still, in time you will remember her with fondness as the person you crossed the bridge with for awhile. Guess what? My 'rebound' wanted the same thing, and (according to everyone who met her) she was quite a catch. I said no. I am so glad. At the time (and like you it seems) I knew I couldn't. You can't either. Don't.

 

Three girlfriends later, and 2-1/2 years in I'm with a gal that wants to marry me. I'm glad she feels that way but she knows the time is not right. By the same token, I'm not sure she's ready for that either.

 

Will it ever be? I'll tell you what I told her; you'll be the first to know.

 

I like my independence. I like being a bachelor. Never thought that day would come! I'd never go back to my ex and I don't want to marry. The difference is I'll never say never. I'd love to live with her. When that desire turns into something I want more than what I have now, I'll ask her.

[Soxfaninfl]

I would get married again to the rIght person this time around. My divorce was final in Septeber of 2011 after 11 years of marriage, but know this PRENUP!!! I'm not going to lose another house in a divorce, and I won't have more children, so they can be put through a divorce. I'm keeping my money separate if I marry again. I'm not going to pay any women alimony either. I'm not going to marry a women that needs to be finanically supported either. I will put that all those things in a prenup. I'm covering my ass the 2nd time around if it happens. Not going to be burned twice! I learned my lesson.

Edited February 28, 2012 by Soxfaninfl

[trippi1432]

First, sorry you are going through this, it's a hard place to be in any stage of a relationship. If I recall correctly from some previous posts, this is not your first relationship since the divorce....to answer Steadfast's question. However, six months into a relationship with someone new is not enough time to even scratch the surface of knowing another person well enough to make a commitment like marriage in my opinion.

 

I wouldn't go as far to say that there is a red flag, but there are two differences of values or opinions. If she is pushing for marriage and you are not ready, you have every right to respect yourself and stand your ground. Likewise, if her views on marriage and partnership do not match yours, she has every right to respect herself and make the decision to end the relationship. Either case hurts as there are real feelings and emotions here that you are each dealing with, but that does not signify that either one of you are wrong.

 

Similar to you Tojaz, I spent 12 years engaged to my second ex but not for the same reasons as you. I validated to my ex that technically we felt married as we lived together and had a child together....but my feet froze on the subject of marriage because I didn't know if I really loved him after years of very poor treatment, poor treatment that he realized and apologized for after we divorced. If he couldn't love, honor and cherish me and his family prior to marriage, how would a piece of paper change that? He even admitted that he thought that marriage would change us...it doesn't. Who you are before the ceremony is exactly who you are going to be after.

 

My opinion today on marriage is that its not something I would rule out, but its not something that I want to rush back into either. I've been with my boyfriend for eight months and he is 10 years divorced. He shares the same opinion. We enjoy sharing our lives with each other...although he jokingly tells me he wants 30 or 40 of those years, we aren't rushing off to the altar.

 

At the end of it all, if your views on the subject do not match, neither of you can "force" the issue.

[2.50 a gallon]

To be honest I never wanted to get married in the first place. But then at the wedding something changed, as I felt this special bond of closeness that I had never felt, or felt that I needed before.

 

After we broke up I swore that I would never fall in love or marry again. My first vow only lasted a decade and I now happily can say that I am one of the lucky ones having been in a loving relationship for over 16 years.

 

I am sure that part of our success is that neither one of us want to ever remarry again. We are both free to walk away at any time. That in turn means that neither of us take the other for granted and both of us work on our relationship daily. Like the line of tightly holding on to love with an open hand.

 

The love is strong enough that we have purchased our own place.

 

However, now that I am retired I see a down side to our not getting married earlier. I can now see that with her being 8 years younger than me, she will probably out live me by a decade or two, and at my passing she will not be able to receive any of my social security benefits.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I've been through the meat grinder. My personal opinion is that the worst people in the entire world are divorce attorneys.

 

I'm going to get married again... but only because my fiance was not born in the U.S.

[buckeye]

It's been almost 1 1/2 years since the final papers were signed. While I have healed in some ways, I know I'm not there yet. At this point, I can't see myself marrying again. I'm 57 now. I did go out with a woman a couple of times, but there was no chemistry so I lost interest. I don't think I want to play the game anymore. I don't think I'm willing to risk having my heart broken again. I do get lonely. I do miss a woman's touch & affection, but I never want to hurt like this again. I am learning to live alone, but there are nights when the pain comes boiling up still.

[KathyM]

I haven't read all the responses on this thread, but to answer the question in the original post, my personal view of marriage is that it is a valuable institution, because it gives a permanency to a relationship and shows a level of commitment that a lot of people are looking for. I think people generally don't want to be in a perpetual dating relationship and think they'll have nothing to show for their efforts after investing years in a relationship, and be back to square one in the dating game when their relationship ends. There's something very comforting and appealing about a person who is not afraid to make that level of commitment to you. It shows they are fully invested in the relationship, fully commited to it, and believe it to be a lasting thing. When you are afraid of marriage and unwilling to take that step, it can make your partner feel like you want to be able to exit the relationship as soon as the going gets tough, and that you expect it to get tough, so you're basically keeping one foot out the door emotionally. But if you have those doubts about marriage and commitment, and are afraid to take that step, then don't. You are obviously not marriage material if your past failed marriage has turned you off to the whole idea of marriage in general, and it was wise of you to realize that and not give your gf false hopes about it. She should have respected your feelings about marriage and not felt she could or should try to change your mind about it. A guy that has to be pressured into it is not a good candidate for marriage anyway. What she wants is a realistic expectation--that a long term relationship will eventually lead to marriage, but she was wrong to think she could change your mind about it. That's not what you want. You are obviously not a match with her if you both are not seeing eye to eye on this, so I suggest you let her go.

[Yasuandio]

During 27 years of marriage, I never felt so secure, as if enveloped in a safe cocoon. That said, there was great discomfort for me in this marriage, especially in the latter trimester.

 

Just after four years of separation and protracted divorce proceedings, hopefully we will come to a settlement or trial and this matter will conclude. During this phase, however, I can tell you, with out a doubt, that my sense of security was an absolute illusion during the entire marriage. This is the greatest disappointment of my life - but growth too.

 

Technically, it is not possible to have a "lifetime marriage" again in his or my timeframe on this Earth. Yes, certainly, second marriages can be lovely, but it will never be the same. That is just my take.

 

Furthermore, like another poster, I now have serious trust issues as a result of my discoveries and lessons after our separation. As well, I can look back at my naïveté during the marriage - and see, that in so many cases I was completely blind, deaf and dumb idiot. I ate out of his hand like a baby puppy, year after year after year, by my own choice.

 

Then was then. I worked with what I had to work with at the time. At present day, no, I would not want to marry again, period. I really like the idea of another poster, "you live at your place, and I'll live at mine."

 

Thank you, Tojaz, a very interesting dialogue you have started. Yas

[marqueemoon4]

I've been through the meat grinder. My personal opinion is that the worst people in the entire world are divorce attorneys.

 

 

you're right, they are. the lowest of the low imho. I loathe my attorney as much as my exW's.

[worldgonewrong]

My attorney is a good guy.

 

It's just the grotesqueness of the situation - needing a guide down this sh_tty path -

that's the worst.

[carhill]

View is unchanged.

 

I will get a pre-nup next time.

 

I do feel fortunate I was provided the example of what a healthy marriage was, so will take the lemons given and make some fine lemonade in the future, should life present me with such an opportunity.

[nofool4u]

What is your view on marriage now???

 

My view now is that I still support the principles of marriage, but I'll sure as hell never get married again.

[tojaz]

Thanks for all the responses folks, actually a lot more responses then I expected.

 

What Kathy wrote here struck a chord because it is very much what I was talking about. She made a lot of very good points here, and I hope she doesn't mind me quoting her, looking back at what I wrote, it seems I really dissected your post Kathy, and wanted to say that isn't me trying to be argumentative or directed at you in any way and that my replies to your quotes are written knowing full well that you meant what you wrote sincerely, and that I am twisting some of your words to make my points.

 

 

I haven't read all the responses on this thread, but to answer the question in the original post, my personal view of marriage is that it is a valuable institution, because it gives a permanency to a relationship and shows a level of commitment that a lot of people are looking for.

I love and hate this quote at the same time, because I really agree with how people need that security in a relationship and when anyone cares that much about someone, they would absolutely want that sense of permanency. I think that sense of security should be present and accepted long before marriage though, and unfortunately, as we all know, marriage often proves to be a false sense of security anyway.

 

I think people generally don't want to be in a perpetual dating relationship and think they'll have nothing to show for their efforts after investing years in a relationship, and be back to square one in the dating game when their relationship ends.

This hits home after reading so many posts on LS and seeing so many marriages broken down into some sort of insurance policy or gold watch for "putting in the years of effort" into a relationship. If marriage is about what you have to show for your effort, then its no wonder there are so many stories of people "cashing out" when the going gets tough. If a relationship is being viewed as effort towards a goal, then what is it really about?

 

There's something very comforting and appealing about a person who is not afraid to make that level of commitment to you. It shows they are fully invested in the relationship, fully commited to it, and believe it to be a lasting thing. When you are afraid of marriage and unwilling to take that step, it can make your partner feel like you want to be able to exit the relationship as soon as the going gets tough, and that you expect it to get tough, so you're basically keeping one foot out the door emotionally. But if you have those doubts about marriage and commitment, and are afraid to take that step, then don't. You are obviously not marriage material if your past failed marriage has turned you off to the whole idea of marriage in general, and it was wise of you to realize that and not give your gf false hopes about it. She should have respected your feelings about marriage and not felt she could or should try to change your mind about it. A guy that has to be pressured into it is not a good candidate for marriage anyway. What she wants is a realistic expectation--that a long term relationship will eventually lead to marriage, but she was wrong to think she could change your mind about it. That's not what you want. You are obviously not a match with her if you both are not seeing eye to eye on this, so I suggest you let her go.

 

Despite the post here, read much of what I have posted on LS and it would show that I am very pro marriage, and I have no reservations of imagining myself happily married at some point in the future..... just not tomorrow.

 

In the end, marriage is little more then another legal contract, its the hearts, emotions, and intentions of the people being married, that make it real, and those all exist long before and even entirely without marriage. Just like any other relationship, marriage is what you make of it.It is not a guarantee of safety and security, and a safe, stable and secure relationship can most definitely thrive without it. All the best parts of marriage, are already present in a strong, healthy relationship, and in my opinion, anyone who refuses that is much more in love with the idea of marriage then they are with me.

 

TOJAZ

[Steadfast]

There's something very comforting and appealing about a person who is not afraid to make that level of commitment to you. It shows they are fully invested in the relationship, fully commited to it, and believe it to be a lasting thing.

 

Yeah, that's the way it is. On the Andy Griffith Show for Barney and Thelma Lou. Oh wait...Don Knotts left the show before that could happen...

 

I'd say 90% of people getting married are doing so because they feel it's an advantage for them. They care little about their partner's needs because if they have them, they're needy. Society encourages us to be selfish.

 

I loved being married, and sincerely put my wife's security as my top priority. It was when I was comfortable and secure enough in the relationship that things changed for her. I trusted her. That's gone. My ability to trust is gone. Not my dreams of love and happiness.

 

Let's face the cold, hard facts; women love men that (they perceive) would do very well without them. The person who cares the least controls the relationship. Don't hate me for being cynical. I've ordered this meal before.

[Steen719]

 

Let's face the cold, hard facts; women love men that (they perceive) would do very well without them.

Not all women...not me!

 

The person who cares the least controls the relationship.

Amen to this..true, true, true

 

Interesting observation for me tonight. I went to my first divorce recovery support group tonight. There were 20 people there and only 2 divorces did not include infidelity. While it gave me a lot of company (misery and all), it was distressing to me. I do realize it was a group for recovery from divorce, but still. Sheesh!

Edited March 1, 2012 by Steen719
I am inept