What is your view on marriage now???

[hopesndreams]

When a man/woman romances/wines/dines/gets involved in a physical union without the intention of marriage, is IMO, a horndog. A user. If one is not emotionally stable they have no right bringing someone into their life/misery without giving that someone the full knowledge and understanding that they are being used to fill some emotional void/ no trust issues/ bitterness and resentment. When a wife/husband leaves you for another it is recognized as being a totally selfish act. When the abandoned spouse enters into another relationship without fully dealing with what happened to them, it makes them selfish too. Makes me wonder if someone didn't beat you to the punch????

 

All this forum talk about doing what is right for you, ya da, ya da. All fine and good when the hurt is raw. The build up of self-esteem is so very important. But, to still be talking that way years after a divorce? C'mon guys! Put others first, otherwise you are no better than the one that cheated on you.

 

Marriage is beautiful. One man, one woman. The way God intended.

[hopesndreams]

The poster posts but all the others chime in. I respect Tojaz, he's my friend and have been around since his 1st post. Just trying to steer him in the right direction, that's all. No offense really but if you know me and my story, posts, I've always been a bit bold. Good at heart though.

[hopesndreams]

Open to discussion yes , open to attack...no. My views are unlike the majority on here. It ain't all about me!

[hopesndreams]

No Coopster , you stay. I shall leave, apologies for the intrusion.

[andyg99]

The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better off Financially

 

 

Married people live longer as well. Single men have mortality rates that are 250% higher than married men.

 

not sure what that stat means... all of us have a mortality rate of 100%! ... I think the popular stat out there says that married men live about a couple of years longer, not sure how that translates in to 250%, 250% of what?

 

anyway this is an interesting thread - I still believe in marriage, whether I go down that path or not again really doesn't concern me, my life is just fine right now... one thing for sure is at my age (late 40's) I'd want any future wife to know that I'm pretty much set in who I am, not closed minded (that's a different thing all together) and I need to realize that she would be also set in her ways... maybe many 2nd marriages fail because people still have all the wrong expectations...

[Steen719]

t/j Hi Andy...thought about you yesterday. Glad to see you.

 

Yes, some of us make the same mistakes over again with the same kind of person and the same (more or less) expectations. Sometimes it feels like a crap shoot to me. My age is one reason I don't think I would marry again, but that does not mean I don't want to have love in my life (down the road). However, if I wait very long, the only men left will be those married men who are married, since the other ones have died. LOL

[Steen719]

Oh my!!! LOL

You get to my age and then tell me how you feel. Ideas and needs change with age. This marriage was 22 years and I am just divorced in October. I truly think I would be crazy, crazy to think I would want to marry any time soon. If you look at what I wrote, you will see I said I still would want love in my life. Listen, all or most of the people on this site have been betrayed by someone they love or loved. Nobody says they are perfect, but honestly, my thought is that if anyone in this world should have been honest with me and had my back it should have been my XH, especially after the other issues I lived with. But, he did not. I do not need to be married to be in love. When someone smiles at me, I smile back, but I would not date anyone now for love nor money. I know I am not ready and doing it now would be foolish for me. If you think that is too picky, well I guess you just do. You are certainly entitled to think it, but I thought I could decide if I wanted to get married again!!! OK?

[trippi1432]

Coopster, et all: The fact is, no one knows the answers to any of those questions and the statistics that are used to support one theory can be used to support another theory depending on which way the author or authority figure wants to spin them. Matters of the heart are not statistical, it's when we believe the statistics and buy into them, that we become the statistics that are referred to.

 

I cannot debunk the works that the OP and Kathy M have given, I prefer to look at my own life and experiences. In reference to the stats around higher divorce rates the more times you are married...both of my parents are in their 3rd marriages, 17 and 19 years now...and it will be death that does them part rather than divorce. On cohabitation, I've heard many times that people who live together for a length of time and then get married typically do not last and divorce fairly quickly. In both cases of my marriages, the first one lived together for almost 4 years, married for one, separated and subsequently divorced. Second marriage, lived together for 12 years, married for 3 years, separated and divorced. In the first marriage, I can honestly say that we loved each other, but were much too young and selfish for marriage. In the second, I had been told many times by my finance' that if I did not marry him he was going to leave...yet, he stayed on. By the time I was okay with marrying him, he was at the point where it didn't matter if we did or not. Neither of us forced the issue, it was something we just did and it was the one time in all of our years I was proud of him for not flipping out and ruining a family event.

 

So why a divorce after 12 years of cohabitation?? Because the under-lying issues that were present in our relationship were never dealt with and a ceremony does not fix or change those issues. Just like trying to have a child to save a marriage, getting married to try and save a relationship does not work either. He thought it would change us and he wouldn't have to address anything...I hoped it would make him feel safer (however, him signing a pre-nup did not make him feel "safe" - for those of you talking pre-nups). Net/Net: If someone is not the right person for you, do not marry them...but be fair in your analysis as to why they are not the right person. I say this because there are many men AND women out there who are all about "red flags". EVERYONE has red flags if you look hard enough to find them in support of "never settling for less".

 

In essence, how do you find the right person for you? In my opinion, it's when two people are willing to give up control of a relationship for a shared responsibility to one another, it's a sharing of a life together, of feelings, mutual respect and complete honesty. It's easy for someone to act a certain way, to create an atmosphere where you think a relationship thrives....it's difficult for them to sustain it when it is based on false pretenses....it is also difficult to sustain when built entirely from expectations. Relationships aren't labels, they are built where two people can honestly express how they feel to each other without fear of the unknown, where two people are safe in their feelings for one another and each are self-aware enough to know how their actions affect each other..it's maturity....and it's learning as much about yourself as someone else.

[tojaz]

It is amazing what a hot button this has become, just as it is amazing how diligently marriage has been defended... from an attack that never came.

 

This thread has carried on with a very deliberate lack of information on my part. I cited my issue with my now ex girlfriend and asked for views on marriage... then the run away freight train has twisted and turned through, law, religion and even morality, not to mention my own selfishness and unwillingness to compromise my views.

 

Interesting part is, that the blanks have not been filled in. Nobody knows the kind of relationship we had or what lead up to the split. What kind of woman she was. She may be a cheater, liar, thief, addict! Nobody asked her motives, or even if I thought it was love or not, and even when I tried to shed a little light on the situation, it wasn't heard over the beating of the marriage drum.

 

Marriage can be a very beautiful thing, with the right people. It can also be a very bad thing with the wrong ones. Stripped down to bare bones, marriage is just the piece of paper that people cringe at. A legal document, a ceremony, a ring. (keep reading before we start our replies)

 

What makes marriage more is the people in it, the reasons they got married, their love, their bond. Marriage is not the cause, it is a result. I believe all the research that kathy has posted. People that are happily married do reap many benefits from their situation. I will even chime in and say that I experienced it myself, I felt better, healthier, less stress, I was able to cope with the other stressors in my life much better as well.

 

I don't credit being married with that though, because I was a cohabitator for many years long before I ever married and I enjoyed those benefits then as well. If Kathy can dig up some stats of the terminally ill tying the knot and extending their life, I'll take note. Throw in some couples on the rocks instantly becoming bliss and a few hard luck couples winning the lottery once they said I do, I'll drink the kool-aid!!!

 

Fun thing about stats, you put enough stuff in a bar graph or pie chart, people stop digging to see where the information came from. Are more married couples happier, healthier, more committed together then non married couples? Well DUH! Thats like saying more people with drivers licenses own cars then those that don't.

 

All that being said, and because I see a row of torches coming over the horizon, My view on Marriage, all for it, but I don't see it as a necessity for a stable and committed relationship. I do believe that two people who are committed to each other can and often do make for a beautiful marriage, but I see the act of getting married as more of a result or accessory to what was already something strong and very special, and that has everything to do with the people and the hearts involved, and very little to do with how they file their taxes. Because they make it more then that, one couple at a time.

 

TOJAZ

[hotloader]

This is my first post here, and I figured this would be a good thread for me to put it in. A little background on me: I'm a 34 year old male. I was married for six years, and divorced at age 30. We had no children, and the marriage ended abruptly when it was revealed to me that my wife had been cheating on me for nearly a year with a colleague. The divorce itself was pure hell due to the property disputes and logistics of everything....NOT because of the fact that we were no longer together. I wound up losing everything in that process, and pretty much starting from scratch.

 

Over the next four years, I dated several women and those relationships ended disastrously. Dating downright sucks at this age. It's too much effort, and most of the women my age have a lot of baggage. They're mostly all single mothers, and the ones I've met through sites like match seem to all misrepresent themselves online by posting five year old photos of themselves, and sometimes even omitting the fact that they're single parents. It's very lame and pointless, and I got tired of it rather quickly.

 

The last relationship I was in was for the past two years, and it ended very recently. It was with a girl whom I dated long ago when I was in high school. In my mind, she was "the one who got away". Well, I wished she would have stayed away, because she's nothing more than a 34 year old "party girl" who thinks she's ten years younger than she really is. Things were going great for a while, and we were starting to talk about tying the knot....and then she cheated. Go figure. She's got a problem with alcohol that she's in denial about too. Over the course of time, I realized that her MO in her personal life is jumping from man to man and using them as financial and emotional springboards. She hasn't been single a day in her adult life. She literally "overlaps" every single relationship, by cheating on whoever she's with with the next guy, pathologically lying all along the way. It's pathetic.

 

After a failed marriage, an abysmal run in the dating scene, and this two-year relationship that turned out to be an absolute joke, I can honestly say that I've totally given up on this entire charade. No, I'm not ever gonna get married again. I'm not going to date anymore either. I don't understand women today. They seem so shallow, hollow, materialistic, and downright vapid on so many levels. I'm sure there's some "good girls" out there, but I'm not about to stick my neck out again. I've had my proverbial jugulars slashed one too many times at this point. After past breakups, I'd mope for a while, then look forward to getting back out there and playing the field some more. Not anymore. It all ends the same way every time, and I'm not taking the emotional (and financial) risks anymore.

 

Right now I'm looking very forward to things like ballgames with my pals, various outdoor activities, and other things that I couldn't do when I was "with" someone. I want peace and quiet in my life, and I'm looking forward to celibacy, bachelorhood, and a much less complicated life.

 

My overall views on marriage? I don't recommend it to anyone, especially another man. They've got too much to lose. Almost all of my buddies who married in their 20's are either now divorced, or are facing divorce. Most (but not all) of the divorces were initiated or instigated by the wives. A lot of cheating and "trading up" on their parts. That's just whack. When you make a VOW, it's supposed to be forever....not until the next best thing comes along.

 

In my life, I've been lucky enough to forge some incredible friendships. I'd follow my buddies into hell without thinking twice, and they'd do the same for me. Unfortunately however, after three and a half decades of life on planet earth, I've yet to meet a woman who I can say the same for. The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result. I'm not insane, so I think it's time for me to throw in the whole towel on the notion. I'll be "friends" with women...I'm not a misogynist or anything....But I'm not interested in the idea of ever getting married again, nor would I recommend it to anyone. I think it's a mistake on every level, for everyone. Especially the groom.

Edited March 9, 2012 by hotloader

[OliveOyl]

Read the research I posted above. The researchers would not agree with you on your statement that being married doesn't make the relationship any more committed and solid. You seem to see marriage as just an unnecessary piece of paper or just a label. I see it as a commitment and an act of faith.

 

But it doesn't matter how "researchers" see it or even how you see it. It's like you trying to define what love is for everyone. You can't do it. Only the people involved can.

 

All your "evidence" shows is a correlation, not causation. Truly committed couples are probably more likely to want to get married. That doesn't mean that the act of marriage makes the relationship deeper.

 

True commitment is defined by the individuals involved in the relationship, not society.

Edited March 9, 2012 by OliveOyl

[Woggle]

This is my first post here, and I figured this would be a good thread for me to put it in. A little background on me: I'm a 34 year old male. I was married for six years, and divorced at age 30. We had no children, and the marriage ended abruptly when it was revealed to me that my wife had been cheating on me for nearly a year with a colleague. The divorce itself was pure hell due to the property disputes and logistics of everything....NOT because of the fact that we were no longer together. I wound up losing everything in that process, and pretty much starting from scratch.

 

Over the next four years, I dated several women and those relationships ended disastrously. Dating downright sucks at this age. It's too much effort, and most of the women my age have a lot of baggage. They're mostly all single mothers, and the ones I've met through sites like match seem to all misrepresent themselves online by posting five year old photos of themselves, and sometimes even omitting the fact that they're single parents. It's very lame and pointless, and I got tired of it rather quickly.

 

The last relationship I was in was for the past two years, and it ended very recently. It was with a girl whom I dated long ago when I was in high school. In my mind, she was "the one who got away". Well, I wished she would have stayed away, because she's nothing more than a 34 year old "party girl" who thinks she's ten years younger than she really is. Things were going great for a while, and we were starting to talk about tying the knot....and then she cheated. Go figure. She's got a problem with alcohol that she's in denial about too. Over the course of time, I realized that her MO in her personal life is jumping from man to man and using them as financial and emotional springboards. She hasn't been single a day in her adult life. She literally "overlaps" every single relationship, by cheating on whoever she's with with the next guy, pathologically lying all along the way. It's pathetic.

 

After a failed marriage, an abysmal run in the dating scene, and this two-year relationship that turned out to be an absolute joke, I can honestly say that I've totally given up on this entire charade. No, I'm not ever gonna get married again. I'm not going to date anymore either. I don't understand women today. They seem so shallow, hollow, materialistic, and downright vapid on so many levels. I'm sure there's some "good girls" out there, but I'm not about to stick my neck out again. I've had my proverbial jugulars slashed one too many times at this point. After past breakups, I'd mope for a while, then look forward to getting back out there and playing the field some more. Not anymore. It all ends the same way every time, and I'm not taking the emotional (and financial) risks anymore.

 

Right now I'm looking very forward to things like ballgames with my pals, various outdoor activities, and other things that I couldn't do when I was "with" someone. I want peace and quiet in my life, and I'm looking forward to celibacy, bachelorhood, and a much less complicated life.

 

My overall views on marriage? I don't recommend it to anyone, especially another man. They've got too much to lose. Almost all of my buddies who married in their 20's are either now divorced, or are facing divorce. Most (but not all) of the divorces were initiated or instigated by the wives. A lot of cheating and "trading up" on their parts. That's just whack. When you make a VOW, it's supposed to be forever....not until the next best thing comes along.

 

In my life, I've been lucky enough to forge some incredible friendships. I'd follow my buddies into hell without thinking twice, and they'd do the same for me. Unfortunately however, after three and a half decades of life on planet earth, I've yet to meet a woman who I can say the same for. The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result. I'm not insane, so I think it's time for me to throw in the whole towel on the notion. I'll be "friends" with women...I'm not a misogynist or anything....But I'm not interested in the idea of ever getting married again, nor would I recommend it to anyone. I think it's a mistake on every level, for everyone. Especially the groom.

 

Though there are exceptions I can see where you are coming from. I have a number of friends who would follow me into hell. I think I married one of the really good ones and there are a number of women on this board who have been supportive but besides my wife and a few others I can only count on one hand the number of women in my life who I truly truly can trust.

[hotloader]

Another side thought to all of you? How many people do you know, that are actually happily married? Even after years of marriage?

 

I know just ONE couple that are just as happy together now as the day they met. Just ONE.

 

Sad. too sad.

 

Something is to blame for this?

 

It's the combination of a few things, I think. Feminism is partly to blame for a myriad of reasons. I also blame popular culture. Infidelity and promiscuity are championed today in every outlet of the media. Throw in all of the "reality" shows where this type of decadence is commonplace, and it's a recipe for disaster for the impressionable American public.

 

Yes, it's very sad....but it's here to stay. Unfortunately, the next generation is gonna mostly be comprised of people who were raised by single mothers. At that point, I think it's safe to say that the concept of the nuclear family will be officially dead in this country. I'm no "holy roller" or anything....I'm just a guy who grew up with two loving parents in a relatively stable family situation, so that's why I'm thoroughly disgusted with everything I'm seeing today. If you look take a long, hard look at history though, when societies degrade to these levels of decadence they're usually on their way out. America is almost a mirror image of Rome on it's way out: Widespread social deviance, no values, and an oppressive nanny-state type government grasping for every last bit of control it can. While it really sucks to be living in these times, I feel kinda privileged to have the opportunity to watch a society implode like this.

[Black Jack]

I have no hope for marriage nor do I think I'll get married again. If I do find the "right" person then I'll think about it but it's hard to trust folks when infidelity is everywhere in real life and forced down your throat on the TV screen.

[andyg99]

Another side thought to all of you? How many people do you know, that are actually happily married? Even after years of marriage?

 

I know just ONE couple that are just as happy together now as the day they met. Just ONE.

 

Sad. too sad.

 

Something is to blame for this?

 

yeah, If I lost 2 fingers I could still count the number of "happily married" couples I know on one hand... but then again that is my perspective..... but I can't tell you how many friends I have who evny my single life, I always tell them to make the best of what they have... I think lot's of people could have great marriages if they just stayed focused on the person they are with, today is seems there are so many GD distractions out there...

[GKM]

Well, I believed in marriage and was loving/faithful/supportive wife for five years only to get dumped out of the blue because 'we just arent compatible' etc. (right before a vacation and just after buying new furniture for the house together, didnt see it coming)

 

I feel kind of burnt out by that. What was the point of being so loyal/loving if it ended in divorce (maybe thats why there are so many cheating users out there!) He wasnt the best in bed, now I feel like with how hard I got dumped maybe I should have cheated lol (then again, I guess I feel good about myself know I have a strong moral character

 

Im kind of wondering how happy marriage is really.....we were so used to eachother we didnt even find eachother THAT exciting anymore (despite both being in the best shape of our lives and in our twenties) Is marriage just the beginning of the end of your sex life? Is it the end of romance as you start to take eachother for granted and the courtship wanes...

 

I mean I do see the benefits of not having to be on the singles scene in your 50's Lol, but is it just a companionship/comfort thing then? And what if you dont want kids?

 

Im thinking of just dating for a while!!!

[marqueemoon4]

Over the course of time, I realized that her MO in her personal life is jumping from man to man and using them as financial and emotional springboards. She hasn't been single a day in her adult life. She literally "overlaps" every single relationship, by cheating on whoever she's with with the next guy, pathologically lying all along the way. It's pathetic.

 

 

You were dating my ex wife?!?!?! Thats her, in a nutshell.

[imajerk]

In the US the government makes marriage great. You can normally save several thousand dollars in taxes by being married. Why do you think gay people want it so bad?

[hotloader]

You were dating my ex wife?!?!?! Thats her, in a nutshell.

 

No, but just to make sure I skimmed through your posts. I've actually developed a good friendship with her ex-husband. They share custody of their son, so they're still in contact obviously. He and I were always decent to each other, but once the relationship between her and I began to sour, we actually became friends. He of course can empathize because she put him through a lot of the same crap.