What is your view on marriage now???

[KathyM]

Thanks for all the responses folks, actually a lot more responses then I expected.

 

What Kathy wrote here struck a chord because it is very much what I was talking about. She made a lot of very good points here, and I hope she doesn't mind me quoting her, looking back at what I wrote, it seems I really dissected your post Kathy, and wanted to say that isn't me trying to be argumentative or directed at you in any way and that my replies to your quotes are written knowing full well that you meant what you wrote sincerely, and that I am twisting some of your words to make my points.

 

 

 

I love and hate this quote at the same time, because I really agree with how people need that security in a relationship and when anyone cares that much about someone, they would absolutely want that sense of permanency. I think that sense of security should be present and accepted long before marriage though, and unfortunately, as we all know, marriage often proves to be a false sense of security anyway.

 

People usually are, or at least should be, secure in their feelings for their partner before entering into marriage, but marriage is the final step to show a level of commitment that nothing else will come close to. Living together, where it is relatively easy to split, is no where near the level of commitment that marriage requires. Marriage doesn't have the strong security that it once did when many people actually considered it to be a life-long commitment, but it still is a far greater commitment than just living together. As statistics show, couples who only live together are a lot more likely to break up than those who are married.

 

 

This hits home after reading so many posts on LS and seeing so many marriages broken down into some sort of insurance policy or gold watch for "putting in the years of effort" into a relationship. If marriage is about what you have to show for your effort, then its no wonder there are so many stories of people "cashing out" when the going gets tough. If a relationship is being viewed as effort towards a goal, then what is it really about?

 

The goal is to have someone--one person--to share your life with, and you invest years of your life in supporting, maintaining and building that relationship. If it goes up in smoke after investing years of your life, then you are back to square one. When people "cash out" when the going gets rough (i.e., divorce), then they do not come out ahead, but much worse than if they had stayed married, financially, and often emotionally as well. It's too bad that you have so few or no models of healthy marriages to give you a better picture of what marriage should be. I happen to know a lot of people with very happy, healthy and fulfilling marriages.

 

 

 

Despite the post here, read much of what I have posted on LS and it would show that I am very pro marriage, and I have no reservations of imagining myself happily married at some point in the future..... just not tomorrow.

 

You are pro marriage you say? Could have fooled me. Your OP said something to the effect that you were turned off of the whole thing after your first marriage ended so badly, and that is why you weren't interested in taking that step this time around.

 

In the end, marriage is little more then another legal contract, its the hearts, emotions, and intentions of the people being married, that make it real, and those all exist long before and even entirely without marriage. Just like any other relationship, marriage is what you make of it.It is not a guarantee of safety and security, and a safe, stable and secure relationship can most definitely thrive without it. All the best parts of marriage, are already present in a strong, healthy relationship, and in my opinion, anyone who refuses that is much more in love with the idea of marriage then they are with me.

 

TOJAZ

Marriage is much more than a legal contract. It is a promise of commitment, an act of love, a demonstration of serious intent and willingness to spend one's life to make someone you love happy, and promise to share your life with that person. The legality of it is a minor component. If people wanted to make that kind of commitment, they would get married. There would be nothing holding them back. Anything less is not the higher level of commitment that marriage provides. Marriage doesn't have a lifetime guarantee, but it's sure a heck of a lot better guarantee than not being married, where it's just too easy to leave when the going gets rough. Your gf wants that level of commitment from you that only marriage can provide. As I said, if that's something you are not comfortable with, or afraid of, or reluctant to do, then you would be wise to let her go, since that is something she very much wants, and you obviously have a different perspective on what marriage provides than your gf does.

[KathyM]

Yeah, that's the way it is. On the Andy Griffith Show for Barney and Thelma Lou. Oh wait...Don Knotts left the show before that could happen...

 

I'd say 90% of people getting married are doing so because they feel it's an advantage for them. They care little about their partner's needs because if they have them, they're needy. Society encourages us to be selfish.

 

I loved being married, and sincerely put my wife's security as my top priority. It was when I was comfortable and secure enough in the relationship that things changed for her. I trusted her. That's gone. My ability to trust is gone. Not my dreams of love and happiness.

 

Let's face the cold, hard facts; women love men that (they perceive) would do very well without them. The person who cares the least controls the relationship. Don't hate me for being cynical. I've ordered this meal before.

If 50% of all first marriages stay together, that's quite a bit of people out there willing to keep their lifelong commitment. I know of many in my own life who stayed together till death--relatives and people that I know. I have a long family history of healthy, happy, lifelong marriages. So, obviously, I have a pretty favorable concept of marriage. You are right that society today encourages people to be selfish, which is why the divorce rate is so high (50%). Me first mentality--instant gratification--gotta follow my feelings of the moment, etc. I'm sorry that your wife cheated on you, but that doesn't mean that all women are like that, and it is not a reflection on marriage, but a reflection of more selfish, self-centered mentality that exists today among a lot of people. Complacency in a marriage, however, is not a good thing. Thinking you no longer have to try--to put in the effort--to "win over" your spouse, is not a good thing. It's when people get complacent and take for granted that their spouse will always love them that they stop trying and stop making the effort to be the person that your spouse chose to marry. Of course women love men who have a lot going for them, who have some amount of independence and strength, and a high self esteem. Someone who would be appealing to others as well. That's a normal thing--not a bad thing. Your cynacism is understandable, but your failed marriage only means that you did not have the kind of person who took their vows and commitment seriously. At least half of all people do take their vows seriously and have held their marriages together. So you have a lot of success stories, and a lot of failures. To look at only the failures to get an accurate concept of what marriage is, is not a good plan.

[threebyfate]

Wasn't sure I wanted to get married again, post infidelity on the ex's part, the boot to his ass and then divorce.

 

A few years later, I met husband #2. Didn't take much to make me do a 180 and accept his proposal. Haven't looked back since. No regrets at all!

 

If you feel you've met the right one as strongly as I felt with my husband, life's way, way too short to waste it in fear and regret. Listen to your gut instincts whether go or no go.

[HeavenOrHell]

I wasn't married but was in a loving, committed r/ship for 18 years, we didn't feel the need to get married as to us it just seemed something people who believe in god do, we never felt the need to make it legally binding, doesn't seem romantic to me, or necessary, but we weren't any less committed just because we weren't married, we lasted a lot longer than many marriages do.

It's not reasonable or rational to me to vow you'll stay together forever, no-one knows what the future will bring, no matter how solid your r/ship is.

I want to stay with someone because I want to stay with them and not because I'm legally obliged to.

I'm glad me and my ex didn't marry, as we would have divorced, and even though we had the most secure and loving r/ship imaginable and felt/knew it was for life, we still split up, so it just proves to me even more that it's not rational to promise to stay together until you die.

The only reason I would consider marrying is in an LDR where marriage was the only way to be together.

[Woggle]

I am divorced and remarried but for the most part I agree with Steadfast. Marriage is pretty much a dying concept.

[HeavenOrHell]

Realistic was the word I was thinking of, more so than 'rational', ie it's not realistic to promise to spend your whole life with someone.

 

And, me and my partner made no less effort to save our r/ship than if we had been married, marriage would not have saved us, we did everything we could to save us, but I left it too late, so I screwed up, married or not, we loved each other just the same.

[KathyM]

Marriage is not for everybody, but for those who do believe that marriage is for life and who value marriage and that serious of a commitment, and who have the character to honor their vows, then marriage can be a beautiful thing. The vast majority of people (90%) want to get married some time during their lifetime. But if that is not your cup of tea for whatever reason, then you are not a match for someone who does want that in their life, and you really can't expect them to give up that life goal or life dream.

[Pyro]

Marriage is definitely not for everyone and I strongly urge those who have any issues with the opposite sex (many come to mind here) to not get married until those issues are addressed and resolved.

 

The number of divorces in today's age definitely has gotten my attention but I have found a keeper and she has never given any indications that she is untrustworthy so instead of being a coward and hiding behind any uncertainties I am going to be happy and share my life with a woman I love heaps.

[worlybear]

I think the problem is that generally, we now live longer... when marriage was more popular, life expectancy was much less than it is now and people were pushing up the daisies in their 60s and 70s.

Nowadays it seems that it is increasingly common for people to move on to new relationships in their 40s and 50s.

Its as outdated as the dinosaurs.

[Steadfast]

The vast majority of people (90%) want to get married some time during their lifetime.

 

And the vast majority (up to 70%) are cheating on that 'special someone', divorce or not. I wouldn't be surprised if that figure is conservative.

 

No hard feelings about your rose-colored view of matrimony Kathy. There's nothing wrong with marriage...it's the people in them that's the problem.

[trippi1432]

You forgot to add the age demographic there Steadfast, the vast majority of under 30 represents the 90% and the 30 to 35 represents a 70%...of those...at least a quarter to half are cheating on that "special someone" these days. However, I wouldn't call Kathy M's glasses rose colored...practically all of the statistical people out there said they were not going to be like their parents from broken homes since that is the higher statistic these days.

 

I like Kathy's posts because they represent something some of us who claim to not be jaded won't admit.......the ability to create something bigger than ourselves. It is within ourselves to create love...and when we create that and offer it to someone else willingly, who are we to run from it when it ignites? Not once in the OP's posts have we heard if he loves her....only what she is putting him through because his view on love and hers do not match..he states that she expects it via a ring when he feels that he shows it to her without one. Differing opinions...yes. A blip at best, six months does not show anyone what they want these days.

 

When I was younger and in love, I heard it all...he doesn't love you, it's lust...he will break your heart...run now while you have the chance...you are making the biggest mistake of your life...if I had it to do all over I would have never married..........................................................................he heard the same things too...and in the end, he left our marriage with a note on a table.

 

The message we send to people when we ourselves are heart-broken....the lack of ability to be happy for others because our own happiness is shattered...that is sad.

 

I think we here on LS can do better than that.

[Soxfaninfl]

Marriages these days are not "till death do us part" anymore. It's more like "untill things get tough". When I got married, not in a million years did I think we would divorce. I thought she would always love me and I loved her, and we would always work through our issues. Problem is she fell out of love and hooked up with another guy. I do want to be married again someday, but i'll have to do a better job finding a better wife the 2nd time around. I'm 36 years old.

[KathyM]

And the vast majority (up to 70%) are cheating on that 'special someone', divorce or not. I wouldn't be surprised if that figure is conservative.

 

No hard feelings about your rose-colored view of matrimony Kathy. There's nothing wrong with marriage...it's the people in them that's the problem.

Last I read, the statistics for cheating were 50% for men, and somewhat less for women among married couples. That may account for the 50% divorce rate. Seems to me I read that a majority of people divorcing had infidelity involved. So maybe the problem is that people aren't willing to control themselves and their sexual interests in others, and that's the problem with marriage. But like you said, that's more a problem with the people in the marriage and not with marriage itself.

[Steadfast]

Trippi, I apologize for my semi-'sarcasticness'. I'm guilty of not only being more-than-a-little gun shy about marriage, but taking a dig at Kathy M when the opportunity presents itself. Not very mature and agreed; not helpful.

 

In all seriousness, marriage is a chance to not only enjoy a long-term, live-in romantic relationship, but offers a degree of security and balance to a person's life that is unmatched by any other commitment...save for service in behalf of our Creator. That said, it is very difficult to sort through the scrap-heap of broken hearts and lives we call modern society. If one feels entitled to financial support or ignores the price of freedom, how can they be expected to embrace, preserve or even understand how to commit?

 

I think I've found someone capable of that. She has the strength of character that asks for nothing less than she's willing to give. There's no shame in not wanting to be alone; even though it's possible to live a profound life unattached. In any case, giving brings more than receiving.

 

I also believe marriage is much more than a piece of paper. The legal contract not only demonstrates love and commitment to the spouse, but cements the partnership to family, friends, city, state and country.

 

Marriage is only as strong as the people in it. No kidding.

Edited March 2, 2012 by Steadfast

[Woggle]

I just wish the government would get out of marriage already and just let people deal with their own affairs. Get rid of all the courts and the lawyers and the litigation and treat property division like any other business agreement. The people who still exchange vows will probably mean them much more because they know it is legally meaningless.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Marriage is definitely not for everyone and I strongly urge those who have any issues with the opposite sex (many come to mind here) to not get married until those issues are addressed and resolved.

The number of divorces in today's age definitely has gotten my attention but I have found a keeper and she has never given any indications that she is untrustworthy so instead of being a coward and hiding behind any uncertainties I am going to be happy and share my life with a woman I love heaps.

 

I felt the exact same way the first time I got married. Everybody who gets married feels the way you do... yet it still ends in divorce over 80% of the time.

 

Calling someone a coward for not believing in marriage is like calling someone a coward for not betting at roulette. Roulette didn't cost people in the state of New York half a billion dollars in 2011... divorces did.

[KathyM]

I felt the exact same way the first time I got married. Everybody who gets married feels the way you do... yet it still ends in divorce over 80% of the time.

 

Calling someone a coward for not believing in marriage is like calling someone a coward for not betting at roulette. Roulette didn't cost people in the state of New York half a billion dollars in 2011... divorces did.

Actually, the divorce rate is 50% for first time marriages, but higher for second, third and subsequent marriages. I think if a person goes into it with the attitude that it is a lifelong commitment and not something meant for only when the going is good, and they put their best effort into it, and choose their partner wisely, their chances of a successful marriage are pretty decent.

[Untouchable_Fire]

The message we send to people when we ourselves are heart-broken....the lack of ability to be happy for others because our own happiness is shattered...that is sad.

I think we here on LS can do better than that.

 

That isn't the intent most people have.

 

Lots of people told me I was too young to get married. I thought the same thing you just said.

 

I realize now that they were trying to help me.

 

My point is this. Don't assume someone is projecting just because they say something you don't want to hear. Love blinds people worse than a knife to the eyes.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Actually, the divorce rate is 50% for first time marriages, but higher for second, third and subsequent marriages. I think if a person goes into it with the attitude that it is a lifelong commitment and not something meant for only when the going is good, and they put their best effort into it, and choose their partner wisely, their chances of a successful marriage are pretty decent.

 

That isn't exactly true. They get that divorce rate by taking the total number of people married for the first time that year divided by the number of first time divorces. Divorces can take up to 2 years... and our population is growing. So 50% is really just a fake number. It doesn't show your individual chances of divorce.

 

Now if you take individual couples and track them for 40 years... the divorce rate is about 70%. This can vary widely. Couples with kids divorce less. Couples married before age 20 have a divorce rate over 90%... ect. Now that actually matches what you said. By doing this, and doing that, and choosing this, you can lower your chances of divorce to 40% or something.

 

In my opinion the biggest problem with marriage today is 'no fault' divorce. Vows should be legally binding contracts enforceable by fines and jail-time. People would be smarter about entering into a marriage and MUCH smarter about how they acted once they were in it.

 

We provide these things for physically abused spouses... but nothing for emotionally abused spouses. Which seems stupid because even in physical abuse situations... the bruises heal fast... the real damage is emotional anyway.

 

Sorry I got off on a tangent.

[KathyM]

That isn't exactly true. They get that divorce rate by taking the total number of people married for the first time that year divided by the number of first time divorces. Divorces can take up to 2 years... and our population is growing. So 50% is really just a fake number. It doesn't show your individual chances of divorce.

 

Now if you take individual couples and track them for 40 years... the divorce rate is about 70%. This can vary widely. Couples with kids divorce less. Couples married before age 20 have a divorce rate over 90%... ect. Now that actually matches what you said. By doing this, and doing that, and choosing this, you can lower your chances of divorce to 40% or something.

 

In my opinion the biggest problem with marriage today is 'no fault' divorce. Vows should be legally binding contracts enforceable by fines and jail-time. People would be smarter about entering into a marriage and MUCH smarter about how they acted once they were in it.

 

We provide these things for physically abused spouses... but nothing for emotionally abused spouses. Which seems stupid because even in physical abuse situations... the bruises heal fast... the real damage is emotional anyway.

 

Sorry I got off on a tangent.

When you say track individual couples for 40 years, and their divorce rate would then be 70%, does that take into account only first marriages, or are they measuring all married couples for that length of time regardless of if this is their second or subsequent marriage? Also, you say the rate of divorce for couples with kids who married after age 20 is only 40%, and the figure gets higher only because it takes into account people who married before 20 and people who never had children. I think it's safe to say, then, that people who get married for the first time after 20 years of age and have children, would have a pretty good chance of having a successful marriage.

 

So you're advocating fines and jail time for those who want to end their marriage? Somehow, I don't think that's going to go over too well with people, especially those that are gun shy when it comes to getting married the way it is. It still needs to be a voluntary arrangement. We shouldn't be able to force someone to stay married against their will. I don't believe people should be held in a marriage against their will. That would just foster resentment.

 

No fault divorce laws were meant to take away a lot of the animosity involved in divorce proceedings, and to make it less costly and less traumatic for the couple and their children. I wouldn't say making it more civil is a bad thing. If people want to divorce, they're going to do it anyway, with the additional acrimony or without.

 

Some things you really can't legislate. Emotional abuse, for one thing. Emotional abuse is such a broad category, and it would be impossible to enforce any laws against it. You really can't legislate to that degree.

 

I hope you are going into your new marriage with the person you are engaged to with the attitude of forgiveness, and not keeping track of wrongs and not on high alert for signs of failing to live up to your expectations. You seem a bit hard-lined in your approach to marriage, probably because of past hurt from your previous relationship. I hope you won't let your previous relationship to taint your new one. You seem to have a chip on your shoulder, but that doesn't seem to have turned you off to marriage. Just be careful not to let your past to damage your future, and understand that your spouse is not always going to be likeable, and is going to say things at times that are hurtful, and what could even be described as emotional abuse. Keep the positive going, as much as you can, in your relationship. You are apparently ready to take a leap into the fire regardless of your pessimistic views on marriage, so I'll just say, I do admire your courage. It takes a lot of guts to take that leap of faith, given the more pessimistic views you have about it.

[2.50 a gallon]

Actually we are not being told the truth, in todays world the divorce rate is beyond 75 per cent. I am a baby boomer, and out of hundreds of couple that I have known, can count on the fingers of my hand the number of marriages that have lasted more than 20 years.

 

Every time an old friend and I make contact, they are divorced.

 

In my own family, me once, my sister twice, my niece once, cousins all the same

[carhill]

Perhaps one's view of marriage is colored somewhat by their surroundings. Amongst my closest circle of friends, numbering less than 10 couples, of those who have been/are married, all but one are on their second marriages. The one has been married 23 years, the rest range from 14 to 28 years. As an example of disparity amongst a single family, my exW was married three times, including me, her three brothers at least once (all divorced, one remarried about six years last I knew), but her lone sister got married at 17 and has been married over 30 years now, and to my eye, during our M, quite successfully. My parents were married for life; 32 years. What I see around me daily colors my view of marriage; the people I interact with, the good, bad and ugly of life. I find synergy with some. The above is a reflection of that. That said, after running the numbers on my tri-merge this morning and noting I'm still an authorized user on some of my exW's credit cards and having to deal with that, I'm reminded why I'll have a pre-nup next time. Recovery is going to take awhile and I have no current aspirations to marry or even date.

[KathyM]

Actually we are not being told the truth, in todays world the divorce rate is beyond 75 per cent. I am a baby boomer, and out of hundreds of couple that I have known, can count on the fingers of my hand the number of marriages that have lasted more than 20 years.

 

Every time an old friend and I make contact, they are divorced.

 

In my own family, me once, my sister twice, my niece once, cousins all the same

The divorce rate varies, depending on a lot of things. For first time marriages, the divorce rate is 50%. For second marriages, the divorce rate is 75%. For third marriages, the divorce rate is 85%. For fourth and above, the rate is higher still. The divorce rate is also higher for people who marry before 20 years old, than it is for people who marry later in life. You can't quote one divorce rate for all people, because it is different, depending on what demographic you are looking at. When we are talking about only first marriages, people who married after 20 years old and who had children, the rate is 40%. I happen to know a lot of people who have been married to the same person all their lives. Many people.

[tojaz]

Kathy, what are the statistics for happily unmarried couples?

 

Statistics, if you dig deep enough you can find a statistic to support whatever you would like, provided you boil it down far enough. Heres a few stats....

 

A poll of 8,495 women was executed and this resulted as

 

 

• 45 percent of the women were ready for adultery, if they could get away with it
  

 

A poll of 0.137 million women was conducted and the result was that –

 

 

• Almost 55 percent women had caught their spouse committing adultery red-handed
  
• 7 percent women were of the opinion that their spouse had never cheated them
  

 

6,448 women voted to the question how the morality of men had changed over the past 5 years regarding the issue of integrity, character and values –

 

 

• 83 percent women replied that men have much less morality than they had 5 years back
  

Some pretty bold statements! Are they true? I don't know, I will tell you that these stats were pulled from a website offering Divorce papers. I wonder what the stats would look like on a site offering wedding bands?

 

Here was my favorite...

 

Comparison of Cohabitation Divorce Statistics with Marriage Divorce Statistics

 

 

• Out of the total different sex cohabitors –
  
  • 55 percent marry each other within 5 years of beginning the cohabitation
    
  • 40 percent break up within 5 years of starting the cohabitation
    
  • 10 percent opt for an unmarried relationship lasting 5 years or more
    

  Thats right, these stats represent 105% of the couples polled! These have to be genuine!!!

So what do statistics have to do with a persons own individual views on marriage?

 

Well, like anything else, thats up to the individual. Do you get married because Uncle Joe and Aunt Flo went the distance, do you end it now because all your friends are divorced so why bother?

 

Another Stat from the U.S, Census Bureau

[FONT=Arial]The results show that 51.6 of the nation's households are headed by unmarried adults.[/FONT]

 

All that being said, I like Kathys view on relationships, love, comfort, security, safety, a partnership in life. What else could someone want? I do think that these things are only available in marriage, and being married doesn't afford anyone any more access to those benefits then any other couple. It is foolish to think otherwise, yet it happens, and many people make the choice to marry thinking that it will help a relationship that has fallen on hard times.

 

So while it may be classified as my opinion, I think many will agree that the strength of a marriage is based much more on the reasons the decision to marry was made in the first place rather then the actual status of being married.

 

As for myself and my relationship, as i have said, I am not against marriage. I am against someone that feels that I somehow lose value because i am not in a rush or sure i have the desire to marry. In the end, I am the same guy that was cared enough about to bring up the question in the first place, and nothing has changed on my end, but I have learned a few things about her.

 

TOJAZ

[KathyM]

The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better off Financially

 

Posted on October 23, 2010 by Richard Niolon PhD

 

The Case for Marriage

Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better off Financially

 

by Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher

Review by Richard Niolon

This is an excellent source of information for the married couple on the benefits of marriage, and why it is not the same as “living together.” they provide a wealth of statistics, sound reasoning to explain them, and detailed readings into 100s of published studies to make sense of the impact of marriage. They argue that the promise of permanency is what makes marriage more of a beneficial relationship than simply living together. This allows each to direct their resources to different areas, to specialize in some areas while the other specializes in other areas. Instead of having to be proficient in all areas, they can divide up their responsibilities and accomplish more by working together.

What’s So Great About Marriage?

 

 

Waite and Gallagher offer several answers:

• Better Financial Picture
  The old saying “Two can live as cheaply as one” isn’t exactly true. Two do appear to be able to live as cheaply as one and a half persons, though. That means sharing furniture, food, insurance benefits, a car, etc…. And, when one person becomes ill, loses his or her job, or needs emotional support due to stressors, the spouse is there to help. This is cheaper too, as in home nurses, credit card debt, and therapists cost more.Married men are more successful in work as well, getting promoted more often and receiving higher performance appraisals. They also miss work or arrive late less often (Kostiuk and Follman, 1989, and Shaw, 1987). As for women, white married women (without children) earn 4% more and black married women earn 10% more than their single peers (Waite, 1995). While some point out that house work for married women (37 hours per week) is greater than that of single women (25 hours), half of that is due to having children (South and Spitze, 1994).
  
• Longer Life
  Married people live longer as well. Single men have mortality rates that are 250% higher than married men. Single women have mortality rates that are 50% higher than married women (Ross et all, 1990). Having a spouse can decrease your risk for dying from cancer as much as knocking ten years off your life. Single people spend longer in the hospital, and have a greater risk of dying after surgery (Goodwin et al, 1987).Married women are 30% more likely to rate their health as excellent or very good compared to single women, and 40% less likely to rate their health as only fair or poor compared to single women. Based on life expectancies, nine of ten married men and women alive at age 48 are alive at 65, while only six of ten single men and eight of ten single women make it to 65. Married men may have better immune systems as well, either from support or from nagging to monitor blood pressure, cholesterol, weight, etc… and may be at less risk to catch colds (Cohen et al, 1997)
  
• Better Mental Health
  Married men are half as likely to commit suicide as single men, and one third as likely as divorced men. Widowed men under 45 are nine times more likely to commit suicide as married men (Smith, Mercy, and Conn, 1988). Married people report lower levels of depression and distress, and 40% say they are very happy with their lives, compared to about 25% in single people. Married people were half as likely to say they were unhappy with their lives.Single men drink twice as much as married men, and one out of four say their drinking causes problems. Only one of seven married men says the same. One out of six single men abstains from alcohol, but one in four married men do (Miller-Tutzauer et al, 1991).
  
• Greater safety
  
  • Studies assessing risk for violence are sometimes used to indicate that women, by being married, are at risk for violence. Waite and Gallagher counter that many studies treat husbands, boyfriends, paramours, and ex-partners all the same. Thus, “wife battering” should be separated from domestic abuse, and wife battering should refer only to abuse in the context of a marriage. Studies also do not distinguish between domestic violence and abuse. Waite and Gallagher offer that domestic violence should refer to those cases in which an argument escalates, one or both partners instigate the violence with equal likelihood, and then afterward feel bad about the incident and find ways not to repeat it. Such incidents might happen once or twice over the course of the relationship. Domestic abuse should refer to those cases in which the violence is frequent, typically instigated by one partner only, and is used to coerce and control a partner. Thus, Jacobson and Gottman say, “Women are virtually as likely to be killed by husbands, ex-husbands, boyfriends, and ex-boyfriends as by strangers.” This would not indicate marriage is the risk factor.
    
  • When it comes to violence, wives are five times less likely than single or divorced women to be victims of crime, and husbands are four times less likely (Kellerman, 1994; Bachman, 1994). Further, in that study, 8% of wives and 6% of husbands reported their arguments became physical in the last year. Of the wives who reported physical altercations with their husbands, 18% reported significant harm (e.g., cut, bruised, or seriously injured) for themselves and 7% for their husbands. Thus, Waite and Gallagher conclude, less than 2% of wives and less than 1% of husbands are abused by the common definition each year.
    
  • They also noted that about 5% of rapes in 1992 to 1993 were committed by husbands, 21% by ex-spouses, boyfriends, and ex-boyfriends, and 56% by an acquaintance, friend, or relative. Similarly, killings are more likely to happen to unmarried cohabitating women than married women. Thus, cohabitators are more likely to experience violence than married women (Jackson, 1996).
    

  Why is this so? Waite and Gallagher argue that married partners look out for each others’ safety and warn each other about risks. They are also less likely to be violent with each other as they have a greater investment in the relationship. They are more integrated into a network of friends and family, and are not as isolated as a result.

  [*]Better Sex

  About 40% of married people have sex twice a week, compared to 20-25% of single and cohabitating men and women. Over 40% of married women said their sex life was emotionally and physically satisfying, compared to about 30% of single women. For men, it’s 50% of married men are physically and emotionally contents versus 38% of cohabitating men.

Can Cohabitators Make Their Relationship Just Like Marriage?

 

While there were eight times as many cohabitating couples in the 1990 census as in the 1980 census, marriage and living together are not the same. Cohabitating couples do not have the same kind of commitment. Waite and Gallagher note that cohabitating couples are less likely to be sexually faithful. Faithful partners do not worry about sexually translated diseases, are more likely to work to improve their sexual relationship, and do not have to worry about sexual jealousy. Cohabitating couples are also less likely to manage their money as well. In a couple who live together, one can spend extravagantly, while the other says little about it so long as the bills are paid. On the other hand, in a married couple, if one spends extravagantly, the other may have plenty to say about it.

Cohabitating couples are also less likely to monitor each others’ health, remind one to go to the dentist, prepare healthy meals, and speak up about unhealthy behaviors like smoking, drinking, and reckless driving. They also do not specialize in different areas, since they know the relationship could end without strings. Further, women who were more career oriented were more likely to cohabitate (57%), as were men who rated their leisure time as more important (53%) (Clarkberg, 1995). However, cohabitators tend to hold more positive ideas about divorce, and more negative attitudes about marriage in general as well. Cohabitating women do not show the same level of high risk behaviors that single men do, but they are more likely to be accompanying such single men (Umberson, 1987). Married women are more likely to have private health insurance (about 80%) than single women (about 50%) (Hahn, 1993).

As for abuse, children in single parent homes or step-families are at a high risk for physical and sexual abuse. Step-fathers and boyfriends of the mother are the highest risk abusers. Although they typically contribute on 2% of the childcare, they are responsible for almost half the reported abuse incidents by non-parents (Margolin, 1992). One study concluded that “Living with a step-parent has turned out to be the most powerful predictor of severe child abuse yet” (Daley and Wilson, 1996).

Further, while part of making the cohabitating relationship “like marriage” rests with the couple, part of what makes marriage “like marriage” is the system and society outside the couple. For example, gender roles accepted by the larger society shape how we respond to marriage. If a wife complains her husband is not taking care of the yard, or maintaining employment, socially sanctioned sex roles reinforce her arguments that this is his job. Sex is another area where the vow to remain faithful impacts the relationship. When divorce is granted (whether in a religious institution or court of law), infidelity is often seen as a “contract violation” and so something we as a society evaluate.

Another factor is the access to knowledge about each other that spouses have. You could form a legal agreement to provide access to your bank account, health benefits, retirement savings… but you would have to watch carefully to see that the other person did not steal from you or squander this money. Spouses can monitor the others’ habits closely, and have some legal power to do so.

 

Does Marriage Benefit Women?

 

 

Waite and Gallagher trace this back to the 1960′s and Bernard’s work. Some of this is based on studies of mental health that used depression, anxiety, and passivity as the primary indicators of poor health, problems women were more likely to report than men. They did not study substance abuse, violence, and risk taking behaviors for example, which men would be more likely to endorse. They add that perhaps the failure of a large benefit for women was because they didn’t have as severe problems as men so the small effect for women only looks small because the effect for men was so big. When the studies reviewed by Bernard showed women reported greater happiness when married, she dismissed this as the result of social pressures that made women admit to feeling happy when they didn’t.

Further, these studies didn’t control for having children, and the differences in economic success men and women could hope for. Thus, married men could earn more than unmarried men, but little difference could be shown for poorly paid women, married or not. More modern studies show beneficial effects of marriage on both men and women, and women today have more access to education, options for higher income jobs with status, and social norms for equality. There are still inequalities, but they are not as pronounced today.

 

When Should Two Unhappy Married People Divorce?

 

 

They note that 86% of the married people who rated their marriages as unhappy who stayed together rated the marriage as having improved five years later.

But what if they stay unhappy? They note there is a difference between being unhappy in your marriage, which probably isn’t harmful to the children, and having a conflicted, bitter, quarrelsome, hostile marriage. The studies that link negative child outcomes to divorce that have found negative results when children stay in conflicted homes has tied child health and well-being to these specific kinds of indicators.

So how many marriages are the high conflict type, the type that need to be ended for the welfare of the children? Amato and Booth concluded about one third (1997).

Being divorced doesn’t help much. Divorced moms report more stress as single parents than they do as married parents, and often list “ongoing conflicts with ex-spouse” as one of the biggest stressors. They feel as a group they are less effective as parents, and have more trouble making their children mind them (Webster-Stratton, 1989).

Amato and Booth (1997) also point out that second marriages often aren’t any better than first marriages.

 

Is Divorce Inevitable?

 

 

Waite and Gallagher believe the answer is no. Cohabitators are expecting the same rights as the married, poor families are penalized for marriage, and liberal attitudes toward single parenthood, divorce, and cohabitation are at fault partially. Also to blame are professionals who make divorce more acceptable and staying together to work out problems seem less important. Family lawyers aren’t much help either, and no-fault divorced may be an “easy out” for one person to make a unilateral decision to end the marriage. They add that fears of divorce also destabilize the marriage, by weakening the commitment and investment of each person.

They offer several suggestions for improving the marriage stability rate. They state:

“Family experts, in other words, have an obligation to let the public know: Sure smoking kills, but so does divorce. Yes, a college education boosts a man’s earnings, but so does getting and keeping a wife. Of course children need parental attention, but they do best if they get it from both a father and a mother.”

Additionally, they say we should continue to do studies and collect research, alter tax benefits that work against lower income families, and make divorce a little more difficult (e.g., a “waiting period” before you can finalize the divorce). Further, better protection of spouses who put the children before their career development, and reinstatement of fault grounds for divorce and considering them in custody and alimony. Enlisting the support of clergy and mental health professionals, and supporting the roles of fathers and men as well could help slow the divorce rate.

Resources

The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better off Financially

by Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher