What is your view on marriage now???

[PWSX3]

Sorry I didn't read all the pages so excuse me if I said the same thing as someone else.

 

I know for some, religion is a reason to remarry, this was my situation. I remarried my ex wife & the biggest reason was because I feel that is what we were supposes to do. Yes I still love her, so it wasn't the only reason.

 

With that said if it wasn't for that reason would I remarry? I know being married the second time it has a different feeling for me, I don't feel like marriage has that special bondness, I feel like anyone could get pissed & call it quits & it wouldn't be no big deal.

 

It just doesn't really feel the same. Now if it was someone different I'm sure it would even be a different feeling, but I really do believe what it comes down to is; our you as a person comfortable with yourself. Someone in your life isn't there to make you happy, but to make you a better person.

[2.50 a gallon]

PWSX3

 

My friend. Did I read right, you have remarried your Ex?

[2.50 a gallon]

I ran across another friend that I hadn't seen in over a decade.

 

Divorced as of 3 months ago

 

Empty nesters, I did not question much, other than he mentioned alcohol problem on her part.

[2.50 a gallon]

Difference of being or not being married.

 

I think one of the reasons that this relationship is working so well is our finances.

 

We split our bills down the middle. Other than that I have no say in how she spends her money or her me and mine.

 

With my Ex we both felt we had a say in how our funds were spent. She begrudged every little dollar that I spent on my hobbies. And then when going out to eat, which was often her choice, she seemed to chose the most expensive places to dine.

 

Upon the advice of the OM's in her self discovery cult, was if you want to make lots of money, all that you have to do was act and spend it as if you already have it.

 

Money too seems to be the source of disagreement between my current GF and I. But this time it is different. This time it is settled with "you paid last time, so now it is my turn" It does not matter whether she paid $10 a couple of days ago, and todays bill that I am paying is closer to $50. I figure over a years time, this more than equals out and then too even if she comes out ahead, who cares, as I am sharing my life with a beautiful loving woman.

 

She surprised me this morning by baking our two over ripe bananas into banana nut bread.

[plowguy1]

Taken from an essay called "Home economics" by F. Roger Devlin.

 

"The purpose of marriage is not to place shackles upon people or reduce their options, but to enable them to achieve something that most are simply too weak to achieve without the aid of such an institution. Certain valuable things require time to ripen, and you cannot discover them unless you are patient and faithful to your task. Marriage is what tells people to stick to it long enough to find out what happens. Struggling with such difficulties — and even periods of outright discouragement — is part of what allows the desires of men and women to mature and come into focus. Older couples who have successfully raised children together, and are rewarded by seeing them marry and produce children of their own, are unlikely to view their honeymoon as the most important event of their marriage"

 

This was what I thought I had, kinda rare nowdays, but I thought I was lucky. I have dated since being divorced 1 yr ago separated 2.5 yrs, but it doesn't feel right. Like it's so much trouble for what can never be close to what I had. She quickly took up with a boyfriend, and with me buying her out of the house, together they bought our dream house near a lake where they live 5 mi away with my daughter. The pain I still feel surprises me, I thought it would die down more by now. I do have my 2 teenage sons who chose to stay with me, and am grateful for that.

 

btw to other men read some Mr. Devlins stuff, very eye opening...

[tojaz]

The Case for Marriage

Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better off Financially

 

by Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher

[/url]

 

Im sure this is a very unbiased report.....

 

 

Maggie Gallagher: is an American writer, commentator, and opponent of same-sex marriage. She has written a syndicated column for Universal Press Syndicate since 1995, and has published five books. She serves as president of the Institute for Marriage and Public Policy, a nonprofit organization which lobbies on issues of marriage law. She is a former president and former chairman of the board of the National Organization for Marriage, which opposes same-sex marriage and other legal recognition of same-sex partnerships. Gallagher serves as president of the Institute for Marriage and Public Policy,[7] a conservative think tank whose slogan is "strengthening marriage for a new generation."[7][8] She was also President of the National Organization for Marriage from its founding until 16 April 2010, when Brian S. Brown took over that role. She maintains a position on NOM's executive committee.[9] In late 2011 she founded the Culture War Victory Fund,[10] and serves as the fund's director.[11]

 

 

Gallagher is a Roman Catholic and a social conservative.[12] She is a signatory of the Manhattan Declaration, a November 2009 ecumenical statement calling on Orthodox, Catholic, and Evangelical Christians not to comply with rules and laws permitting abortion, same-sex marriage and other matters that go against their religious consciences.[13]

 

 

The Manhattan Declaration: A Call of Christian Conscience is a manifesto issued by Orthodox, Catholic, and Evangelical Christian leaders[1][2][3] to affirm support of "the sanctity of life, traditional marriage, and religious liberty".[4] It was drafted on October 20, 2009 and released November 20, 2009, having been signed by more than 150 American religious leaders.[5] On the issue of marriage, the declaration objects not only to same-sex marriage but also to the general erosion of the "marriage culture" with the spectre of divorce, greater acceptance of infidelity and the uncoupling of marriage from childbearing.[6]

 

 

Yeah, i have access to Google too.

 

There are many many ways to put a moral, ethical, financial and religious spin on what is an emotional question.

 

TOJAZ

 

 

 

[Steadfast]

Posting the moral, social and medical advantages of marriage in this thread is like someone preaching the benefits of jogging to a paraplegic.

 

Those blessed with a loving spouse don't need to proclaim it from the rooftops. Most of them are too busy being thankful for what they have.

 

Then, there's the rest of us...

[tojaz]

"The purpose of marriage is not to place shackles upon people or reduce their options, but to enable them to achieve something that most are simply too weak to achieve without the aid of such an institution. Certain valuable things require time to ripen, and you cannot discover them unless you are patient and faithful to your task. Marriage is what tells people to stick to it long enough to find out what happens. Struggling with such difficulties — and even periods of outright discouragement — is part of what allows the desires of men and women to mature and come into focus. Older couples who have successfully raised children together, and are rewarded by seeing them marry and produce children of their own, are unlikely to view their honeymoon as the most important event of their marriage"

 

 

Like this!!!

 

I think, looking from another perspective, it is most telling to look back at what we miss about those who have left. When one thinks about their exwife/exhusband and is in the unfortunate situation of missing them, do the things have enough value to stand alone? If you could have all those positive aspects, but not marriage, would it be worth it to you?

 

TOJAZ

[coopster]

Well i know for me tojaz my wife and i when we dated i can honestly say her love for me was strong.Came marriage 180 looking back i wish we would have stayed dating i think we would still be together i dunno

 

no you don`t. stop double guessing

[KathyM]

It's common sense that people are quicker to leave a relationship if there are no strings attached--no commitment. It's also common sense that people are less likely to feel it wrong to pick up with someone else if they are not married. So spin it anyway you want, but the bottom line is still that marriage is a greater level of commitment. And it's understandable that your girlfriend would want that. If you don't want that, then you are not a match, because your gf does want that. And you really can't expect her to give that up--her hopes and dreams of someday being married.

[coopster]

Im not gonna hijack this thread but yes i do.It was a huge difference from our dating to marriage now that i look back.Now im part of a first marriage failed stat ugh.

 

 

It always seems like i`m having a go at you lost..I`m not, please don`t ever think that! Just want you to get out the black hole your in.

 

The `honeymoon` period doesn`t last forever no matter how much 2 ppl love each other, whether they are married or not.

[Pyro]

I felt the exact same way the first time I got married. Everybody who gets married feels the way you do... yet it still ends in divorce over 80% of the time.

 

Calling someone a coward for not believing in marriage is like calling someone a coward for not betting at roulette. Roulette didn't cost people in the state of New York half a billion dollars in 2011... divorces did.

 

some stats to back that 80% up? I wait in great anticipation.

 

Let me clear it up. You are not a coward if you are against marriage and leave it at that and enjoy your life. You are a coward if you are against marriage and have to keep vocalizing about it (Woggle) and calling people dumb (musemaj) if they choose to get married.

[tojaz]

It's common sense that people are quicker to leave a relationship if there are no strings attached--no commitment. It's also common sense that people are less likely to feel it wrong to pick up with someone else if they are not married.

Agreed

 

So spin it anyway you want, but the bottom line is still that marriage is a greater level of commitment.

Strongly disagree. It is a stronger "Display" of commitment for the benefit of others. A display that is quite often an illusion. Marriage is little more then a Promise that is easily broken, but does have the handy addition of levying consequences for breaking that promise, but that in itself helps to diminish value for me. Removing the religious and romantic context, take these 3 people.

1. I won't commit a crime because i don't want to go to jail

2. I won't commit a crime because i fear being labeled a criminal

3. I won't commit a crime. Because thats the kind of person I strive to be.

 

Which words carry more weight? More respect?

 

You seem to have the idea that this thread is my own personal anti-marriage manifesto, and thats not the point. I'm not against marriage at all be it in someone elses life or even in my own. I also value it greatly, just not as strongly or in the ways that you do. I see marriage as an accessory to something greater, I never saw that ring as a binding, or a "string attached" nor was it a way to proclaim that I was off the market. I didn't need a ring or a certificate to do any of those things, that choice had been made voluntarily and long before hand.

 

And it's understandable that your girlfriend would want that. If you don't want that, then you are not a match, because your gf does want that. And you really can't expect her to give that up--her hopes and dreams of someday being married.

 

Never asked her to give any of that up. That is her right 100% and I would never argue otherwise, but I am not ready for that in this point in my life and especially at such an early point in our relationship.In the end though, she valued the idea of marriage more then she valued me and she is free to pursue that and I hope she finds it and it makes her happy.

 

Im not gonna hijack this thread but yes i do.It was a huge difference from our dating to marriage now that i look back.Now im part of a first marriage failed stat ugh.

 

Lost, I'm going to agree with Coopster here. You don't know what would have happened, and a person can drive themselves mad trying to figure that out. Dating is always going to be different then Marriage, thats not always a bad thing. As a matter of fact, a lot of times it can make things better. I haven't read your story, so I hesitate to elaborate on that without an invitation except to say that some people can lose them selves to "being married" rather then the freedom of just "being" and just happening to be married.

 

TOJAZ

[OliveOyl]

It's common sense that people are quicker to leave a relationship if there are no strings attached--no commitment. It's also common sense that people are less likely to feel it wrong to pick up with someone else if they are not married. So spin it anyway you want, but the bottom line is still that marriage is a greater level of commitment.

 

I disagree. If you are cohabitating, but not married, you make the decision to stay committed and together every single day.

 

If you are married, the decision has "already been made" for you. A lot of people check out, go on auto-pilot, and take their spouse for granted after the vows have been exchanged. This can lead to the slow demise of the relationship.

 

I'm divorced now, and in a relationship with a man who has been separated for nearly 3 years (he's close to being divorced). We're planning to live together this summer. Do I want to get married when he's freed up? Not for a while. Maybe never. But I do want to be his "partner" and I hope it would last for a lifetime. That's enough for me. Marriage changes things and not always for the better. I'd rather have a living, breathing commitment that gets renewed every day.

[Soxfaninfl]

I would get married again, and miss having a wife. What scares me is having to possibly go through another expensive divocre plus the hassle of the other things that you have to do when going through a divorce. It's probably better just to live together that way if you split up, it's not some long drawn out process with lawyers. People get greedy and nasty during divorce.

[KathyM]

Agreed

 

 

Strongly disagree. It is a stronger "Display" of commitment for the benefit of others. A display that is quite often an illusion. Marriage is little more then a Promise that is easily broken, but does have the handy addition of levying consequences for breaking that promise, but that in itself helps to diminish value for me. Removing the religious and romantic context, take these 3 people.

1. I won't commit a crime because i don't want to go to jail

2. I won't commit a crime because i fear being labeled a criminal

3. I won't commit a crime. Because thats the kind of person I strive to be.

 

Which words carry more weight? More respect?

 

I think people get married, normally, because they want that level of commitment from the person they love, not because society tells them to. There are plenty of people who do not get married and just live together, which is no longer shunned by society like it used to be. The people who do get married normally do so because they want to--not because they feel they have to. I think those days are gone that people do it because society demands it.

 

You seem to have the idea that this thread is my own personal anti-marriage manifesto, and thats not the point. I'm not against marriage at all be it in someone elses life or even in my own. I also value it greatly, just not as strongly or in the ways that you do. I see marriage as an accessory to something greater, I never saw that ring as a binding, or a "string attached" nor was it a way to proclaim that I was off the market. I didn't need a ring or a certificate to do any of those things, that choice had been made voluntarily and long before hand.

 

 

 

 

Never asked her to give any of that up. That is her right 100% and I would never argue otherwise, but I am not ready for that in this point in my life and especially at such an early point in our relationship.In the end though, she valued the idea of marriage more then she valued me and she is free to pursue that and I hope she finds it and it makes her happy.

 

Yes, you were upfront about your reluctance to get married. You didn't lead her on in any way. But it looks like she's realizing she wants more in her life than a live in arrangement, so I guess one of you needs to compromise on this if you want to stay together. It doesn't sound like that person who compromises is going to be you. It would be a shame to lose someone you love because of your fear of commitment, but I can certainly understand your gf, who values and wants marriage for herself, to not want to invest more time in the relationship if she thinks it will never end in marriage. In any case, good luck with your decision. I believe marriage is a wonderful thing when it is with the right person. I know a lot of happy, healthy marriages of people that I know. I think you should consider why this is so important to her, and not let her go over this, if she is someone you really want to keep in your life, and is someone who has the potential to go for the long haul.

 

 

 

 

 

Lost, I'm going to agree with Coopster here. You don't know what would have happened, and a person can drive themselves mad trying to figure that out. Dating is always going to be different then Marriage, thats not always a bad thing. As a matter of fact, a lot of times it can make things better. I haven't read your story, so I hesitate to elaborate on that without an invitation except to say that some people can lose them selves to "being married" rather then the freedom of just "being" and just happening to be married.

 

TOJAZ

People who are married do not lose themselves in their relationship. If you are emotionally healthy, you are able to maintain your own individualism and your own sense of self, your own goals and dreams, while still maintaining a married relationship. If you are afraid you are not going to be able to do that (maintain your sense of self) by getting married, then I guess marriage is not for you.

[marqueemoon4]

Is there really an ad for a new tv show called "Happily Divorced" showing up on my computer screen?? Starring the Nanny no less??? Or have I entered the Twilight Zone??

[worldgonewrong]

Is there really an ad for a new tv show called "Happily Divorced" showing up on my computer screen?? Starring the Nanny no less??? Or have I entered the Twilight Zone??

 

Yup. I see it.

Divorce - A Frickin' Knee-slapper!

[Soxfaninfl]

People who are married do not lose themselves in their relationship. If you are emotionally healthy, you are able to maintain your own individualism and your own sense of self, your own goals and dreams, while still maintaining a married relationship. If you are afraid you are not going to be able to do that (maintain your sense of self) by getting married, then I guess marriage is not for you.

 

I didnt want my divorce, but to be honest it's better not to marry IMO. People just don't stay together forever anymore. It's expensive to get divorced(if your amicable which doesn't happen alot) and sometimes divorces get nasty and are drawn out. People get bored of each other, they change, are no longer compatible or have different interests. I do want to be married, but my biggest fear is another expensive divorce. If I marry again, I will get a prenup. I'm not going to push for it, but I will give it to my future GF if she wants it. I know who ever that may be, she will probably be pissed if I asked them to sign one.

[Saxis]

After nearly 4 years of separation and 2.5 years of divorce, I'm finally starting to warm up to the idea of marriage again. It was a big reason I left my XGF of 2 years. She really wanted marriage and kids and started pressuring me and it just didn't feel right. I just assumed I was still bitter about the whole idea, but now I see it all coming down to the right person. I've only been with my current GF for 3 months and I feel more secure in our relationship than I ever have with anyone else. We got together on the notion that neither of us would ever want marriage again (she's currently going through divorce). We are already talking about it if things continue like this. Not that we will rush into it, but more determining what each of us wants and if we should keep building our relationship in spite of the rather difficult situation we are in.

 

One thing I will say about being previously married: I sure did learn a lot about having to work at it every day! I feel that I am much better prepared to do that now.

[tojaz]

Yes, you were upfront about your reluctance to get married. You didn't lead her on in any way. But it looks like she's realizing she wants more in her life than a live in arrangement, so I guess one of you needs to compromise on this if you want to stay together. It doesn't sound like that person who compromises is going to be you. It would be a shame to lose someone you love because of your fear of commitment, but I can certainly understand your gf, who values and wants marriage for herself, to not want to invest more time in the relationship if she thinks it will never end in marriage. In any case, good luck with your decision. I believe marriage is a wonderful thing when it is with the right person. I know a lot of happy, healthy marriages of people that I know. I think you should consider why this is so important to her, and not let her go over this, if she is someone you really want to keep in your life, and is someone who has the potential to go for the long haul.

 

Well, at no point was this thread supposed to be about my former relationship, as I had no questions about that and have made the best decision in that regard already. If you feel that strongly about it, you are more then welcome to marry her if you like, I'd be more then happy to pm you her number.

 

Since that is where we seem to return time and again though, I will tell you that the relationship did not break down on the grounds of our differing views on marriage, that was just what brought on the question. I do not feel the need to go into details except to say that her desire to get married was not a just one, and that if she had been driven by the values that you have championed on this thread, we could have definitely found some understanding and common ground in that regard. Even though the marriage topic started the ball rolling, it uncovered things that she had tried quite hard to keep hidden up to the point where she learned that she might not achieve her ultimate goal. So yes, I did consider why it was so important to her, and it had nothing to do with love, or even me for that matter.

 

(by the way you missed a paragraph)

 

You seem to have the idea that this thread is my own personal anti-marriage manifesto, and thats not the point. I'm not against marriage at all be it in someone elses life or even in my own. I also value it greatly, just not as strongly or in the ways that you do. I see marriage as an accessory to something greater, I never saw that ring as a binding, or a "string attached" nor was it a way to proclaim that I was off the market. I didn't need a ring or a certificate to do any of those things, that choice had been made voluntarily and long before hand.

 

As i have said multiple times, I AGREE THAT MARRIAGE IS A WONDERFUL THING! I would not spend much time on LS if I ddin't believe that. As a matter of fact, a look back at any of my threads (yes I'm not just one of those people that just log in to argue, my story is here) should be plenty of proof to that. Feel free to look.

 

Fact is though, there are plenty of relationships that are true, honest, and strong without marriage, there are plenty of marriages that are for the wrong reasons and are full of heart ache and pain, and there are plenty of both built on shaky foundations. Just being married doesn't make the relation ship any more committed and solid, not being married doesn't make the relationship any less.... unless some bystander decides to classify it in that way. I may very well marry again, then again, I may not. It really is not a priority of mine since I do not really care if I will be titled a husband or just a boyfriend, because the only thing that will matter at the point will be the person who will be standing by my side, and my focus will be showing her my commitment, respect, and love. I won't have time to worry about what label is on it.

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Your more then free to voice some input on my problem.Ill try to racap we had problems but she kept saying i was her future and so on

 

nov 19 we were intimate had the lets start a family talk

Dec 1st she needed space but told me we will be ok

Dec 6th she admits she cheated told me get over it

dec 8th she text me saying happy wedding aniversery and loved me.She still said what she said was true get over it.

Dec 30 we talk both miss each other

Jan 3 i love this new man get lost

nov 29 we talk over 2 hours she feels bad about what happen

feb 10th she says shes having a baby

 

I wont lie i held hope cause she kept hinting she was just pushing buttons to get space.She also kept in contact with my sister and mom making plans which made me think yet again hope.3months since ive seen her common sense she lied to me.She even says she drives his car which my friend who lives near her confirmed seeing it in the driveway few nights.Anyway ive maintained nc for 18 days but its been tough.Ive also filed and can set a court date on the 15th.

 

Lost, I will read through your threads thouroughly when i have the time to give them the attention they deserve.

 

I will say that the I can understand, the push/pull can be maddening and enough to rip you in two. Unfortunately, like a lot of cases, she probably doesn't even know what she wants.

 

Keep up the NC, probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, but it helps.

 

Stay strong man,

TOJAZ

[KathyM]

Here's a little comparison of co-habiting couples vs. married couples:

 

May 13, 2010

 

Research Findings That Show Cohabiting couples break up at MUCH higher rates than married people.

 

Marriage doesn't guarantee anything, however, it is, in general, the most stable form of relationship.

Children of married parents in general have better outcomes in many important areas than children of unmarried parents. If a couple stays together in a life long commitment without being married, then their children will probably have the same likelihood of good outcomes as children of married parents. The problem with that is, couples merely living together have a much higher risk of breaking up than married parents. The subsequently single, unwed mother faces, in many cases, poverty and her children face fatherlessness.

 

 

Cohabiting couples break up at MUCH higher rates than married people.

Cohabiting parents break up at much higher rates than married parents.6

6 McManus, 2008, p. 41.

Do not cohabit if children are involved. Children need and should have parents who are committed to staying together over the long term. Cohabiting parents break up at a much higher rate than married parents and the effects of breakup can be devastating and often long lasting. Moreover, children living in cohabiting unions are at higher risk of sexual abuse and physical violence, including lethal violence, than are children living with married parents.

One of the greatest problems for children living with a cohabiting couple is the high risk that the couple will break up.25

Fully three quarters of children born to cohabiting parents will see their parents split up before they reach age sixteen, whereas only about a third of children born to married parents face a similar fate

Parental break up, as is now widely known, almost always entails a myriad of personal and social difficulties for children, some of which can be long lasting. For the children of a cohabiting couple these may come on top of a plethora of already existing problems. One study found that children currently living with a mother and her unmarried partner had significantly more behavior problems and lower academic performance than children from intact families.27

25. Zheng Wu, "The Stability of Cohabitation Relationships: The
Role of Children."Journal of Marriage and the Family 57:231-236.

27. Elizabeth Thompson, T. L. Hanson and S. S. McLanahan.. "Family
Structure and Child Well-Being: Economic Resources versus Parental
Behaviors." Social Forces 73-1:221-242.

cohabiting couples break up at a rate five times higher than for married couples

Poponoe.

ZENIT - Living Together Dangerously

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Joint Center for Political and Economic Studies reports that by the age of 30, 81 percent of White women and 77 percent of Hispanics and Asians will marry, but that only 52 percent of Black women will marry by that age.

The shocking state of Black marriage: experts say many will never get married | Ebony | Find Articles

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Cohabitation

It is believed that married couples make an attempt to compromise and accommodate to each other’s life because the marriage is supposed to last for life. It is believed that cohabiting couples do not do this because they don’t have a life long commitment.

 

Sociologist Linda Waite of the University of Chicago contends, “Cohabitating couples lack both specialization and commitment in their relationships.” She also goes on to say these couples will make less money and since they are not legally married, have to pay separate taxes on their separate incomes. Waite believes that cohabitating couples are not the same as married couples and that their behavior proves this.

cohabit

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

The Negative Effects of Cohabitation

Linda J. Waite

 

Cohabitation is a tentative, non-legal coresidential union. It does not require or imply a lifetime commitment to stay together. Even if one partner expects the relationship to be permanent, the other partner often does not. Cohabiting unions break up at a much higher rate than marriages. Cohabitors have no responsibility for financial support of their partner and most do not pool financial resources. Cohabitors are more likely than married couples to both value separate leisure activities and to keep their social lives independent. Although most cohabitors expect their relationship to be sexually exclusive, in fact they are much less likely than husbands and wives to be monogamous.

 

Cohabiting men tend to be quite uncommitted to the relationship; cohabiting women with children tend to be quite uncertain about its future

 

 

The Communitarian Network

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What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage

 

A Comprehensive Review of Recent Research

 

David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead

 

Cohabiting couples report lower levels of happiness, lower levels of sexual exclusivity and sexual satisfaction, and poorer relationships with their parents.13 One reason is that, as several sociologists not surprisingly concluded after a careful analysis, in unmarried cohabitation "levels of certainty about the relationship are lower than in marriage."14

 

It is easy to understand, therefore, why cohabiting is inherently much less stable than marriage and why, especially in view of the fact that it is easier to terminate, the break-up rate of cohabitors is far higher than for married partners. Within two years about half of all cohabiting relationships end in either marriage or a parting of the ways, and after five years only about 10% of couples are still cohabiting (data from the late 1980s).15 In comparison, only about 45% of first marriages today are expected to break up over the course of a lifetime.16

13. Nock; Brown and Booth; Linda J. Waite and Kara Joyner,

Men's and Women's General Happiness and Sexual Satisfaction in

Marriage, Cohabitation and Single Living. Unpublished manuscript.

Chicago: Population Research Center, Univ. of Chicago; Renate Forste

and Koray Tanfer. "Sexual Exclusivity Among Dating, Cohabiting, and

Married Women." Journal of Marriage the Family 58:33-47; Paul R. Amato

and Alan Booth.

. A Generation at Risk. Cambridge, MA: Harvard

University Press, Table 4-2, p. 258.

 

14. Bumpass, Sweet, and Cherlin, p. 926

 

15. Bumpass and Sweet

 

16. Latest estimate based on current divorce rate.

 

WHY COHABITATION IS HARMFUL FOR CHILDREN

One of the greatest problems for children living with a cohabiting couple is the high risk that the couple will break up.25 Fully three quarters of children born to cohabiting parents will see their parents split up before they reach age sixteen, whereas only about a third of children born to married parents face a similar fate. One reason is that marriage rates for cohabiting couples have been plummeting. In the last decade, the proportion of cohabiting mothers who go on to eventually marry the child's father declined from 57% to 44%.26

 

Parental break up, as is now widely known, almost always entails a myriad of personal and social difficulties for children, some of which can be long lasting. For the children of a cohabiting couple these may come on top of a plethora of already existing problems. One study found that children currently living with a mother and her unmarried partner had significantly more behavior problems and lower academic performance than children from intact families.27

 

It is important to note that the great majority of children in unmarried-couple households were born not in the present union but in a previous union of one of the adult partners, usually the mother.28 This means that they are living with an unmarried stepfather or mother's boyfriend, with whom the economic and social relationships are often tenuous. For example, these children have no claim to child support should the couple separate.

 

Child abuse has become a major national problem and has increased dramatically in recent years, by more than 10% a year according to one estimate.29 In the opinion of most researchers, this increase is related strongly to changing family forms. Surprisingly, the available American data do not enable us to distinguish the abuse that takes place in married-couple households from that in cohabiting-couple households. We do have abuse-prevalence studies that look at stepparent families (both married and unmarried) and mother's boyfriends (both cohabiting and dating). Both show far higher levels of child abuse than is found in intact families.30

It was found that, compared to children living with married biological parents, children living with cohabiting but unmarried biological parents are 20 times more likely to be subject to child abuse, and those living with a mother and a cohabiting boyfriend who is not the father face an increased risk of 33 times. In contrast, the rate of abuse is 14 times higher if the child lives with a biological mother who lives alone. Indeed, the evidence suggests that the most unsafe of all family environments for children is that in which the mother is living with someone other than the child's biological father.31 This is the environment for the majority of children in cohabiting couple households.

 

cohabit.html

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The risks of cohabitation

 

Cohabiting couples who don't marry also break up at a rate that greatly exceeds the nation's divorce rate.

 

It's not hard to see why. Compared with married couples, cohabiting couples report lower levels of happiness, lower levels of sexual exclusivity and poorer relationships with parents. Annual rates of depression among cohabitors are more than three times higher than among married couples. By almost every measure, married couples are better off than cohabitors: On average, they live longer, have better physical and mental health, and are more productive in the labor force.

 

Cohabitation also poses special risks to women and children. (In 2000, 41 percent of unmarried-couple households included a child under 18.) Female cohabitors are victims of domestic violence far more often than married women, and children in unmarried households are at much greater risk for physical and sexual abuse than those in intact families. Indeed, the most unsafe of all family environments is that in which the mother is living with someone other than her children's biological father.

 

What explains these differences between married and cohabiting couples? Partly, it's ``selection effect'': As a group, people who choose to cohabit differ in certain ways from those who don't. On average, for example, cohabitors are less religious and have lower incomes. In addition, however, the act of cohabitation seems to change people's attitudes toward marriage in ways that make a stable marriage less likely. Cohabitation is governed by an ethic of low commitment. As a result, cohabiting couples are less likely than married couples to sacrifice for each other, or to develop vital skills of communication and conflict resolution.

 

For contemporary Americans, cohabitation's fundamental attraction is its embrace of a hallmark quality of our age: self-absorption. By definition, cohabitation is more about ``me'' than ``we.'' Each partner is free to leave the moment he or she no longer feels happy or fulfilled. A cohabiting couple do not promise to stand by one another ``for richer, for poorer'' or ``in sickness and in health.'' On the contrary, cohabitation's great attraction is that it preserves the ability to walk out on a partner when times get tough, without legal or social penalty.

http://www.americanexperiment.org/news/op-eds/2002-07-17.php

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Living Together Dangerously

 

Study Reveals Perils of Cohabitation

 

One major problem with cohabitation, the book explains, is that the two partners often start living together for very different motives. While many women look upon it as a stepping-stone to marriage, men often look at it for convenience, and not as a firm commitment.

 

Popenoe agreed with the McManus book concerning the disadvantages of cohabitation for children. Given that cohabiting couples break up at a higher rate compared to married couples, this brings with it more stress and disruption for children. Higher rates of child abuse and family violence also bring problems for kids.

 

This disadvantage for children, Popenoe commented, also has a lot to do with the major trend in family patterns in past years with the shift of child rearing from married parents to single parents, mostly mothers. In a number of countries the chances are now better than fifty-fifty that a child will spend some time living with just one parent before reaching adulthood.

 

Single parenthood stems both from unwed births and from parental breakup after birth. Cohabitation is a factor in spurring higher parenthood due to births to couples not married. It is also responsible due to the higher breakup rate for cohabiting couples who have children -- which is more than twice what it is for married couples with children.

 

Popenoe tied in the higher break-up rate to the lack of commitment in cohabiting couples, a point also mentioned in the McManus book. Cohabiting partners, he said, “tend to have a weaker sense of couple identity, less willingness to sacrifice for the other, and a lower desire to see the relationship go long term.”

 

He cited one study carried out in the United States that calculated cohabiting couples break up at a rate five times higher than for married couples.

 

ZENIT - Living Together Dangerously

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Cohabitation Facts

 

Cohabiting parents break up at much higher rates than married parents.6

6 McManus, 2008, p. 41.

CitizenLink.com - a Focus on the Family Affiliate

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http://www.prepare-enrich.com

Updated March 2007

Overview of Cohabitation Research

David H. Olson and Amy Olson-Sigg

 

 

What are some characteristics of couples that cohabit?

• On PREPARE & ENRICH, cohabiting couples have significantly lower scores on most

categories (Olson).

• Couples living together have the lowest level of premarital satisfaction when compared to

 

Cohabiting couples are less sexually committed or trustworthy (Waite & Gallagher).

Cohabiting males are less involved in housework and childrearing (Waite & Gallagher).

Cohabiting increases the risk of couple abuse and, if there are children, child abuse

(Thompson, Hanson & McLanahan).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[KathyM]

Well, at no point was this thread supposed to be about my former relationship, as I had no questions about that and have made the best decision in that regard already. If you feel that strongly about it, you are more then welcome to marry her if you like, I'd be more then happy to pm you her number.

 

lol. No thanks. Your OP made it sound like you were still together and having this dilema. I guess you've decided to go your separate ways because of this issue. It's probably for the best if you both were set on your POV and not willing to compromise.

 

Since that is where we seem to return time and again though, I will tell you that the relationship did not break down on the grounds of our differing views on marriage, that was just what brought on the question. I do not feel the need to go into details except to say that her desire to get married was not a just one, and that if she had been driven by the values that you have championed on this thread, we could have definitely found some understanding and common ground in that regard. Even though the marriage topic started the ball rolling, it uncovered things that she had tried quite hard to keep hidden up to the point where she learned that she might not achieve her ultimate goal. So yes, I did consider why it was so important to her, and it had nothing to do with love, or even me for that matter.

 

I can't comment on that, since you are not elaborating on it.

 

(by the way you missed a paragraph)

 

 

As i have said multiple times, I AGREE THAT MARRIAGE IS A WONDERFUL THING! I would not spend much time on LS if I ddin't believe that. As a matter of fact, a look back at any of my threads (yes I'm not just one of those people that just log in to argue, my story is here) should be plenty of proof to that. Feel free to look.

 

Fact is though, there are plenty of relationships that are true, honest, and strong without marriage, there are plenty of marriages that are for the wrong reasons and are full of heart ache and pain, and there are plenty of both built on shaky foundations. Just being married doesn't make the relation ship any more committed and solid, not being married doesn't make the relationship any less.... unless some bystander decides to classify it in that way. I may very well marry again, then again, I may not. It really is not a priority of mine since I do not really care if I will be titled a husband or just a boyfriend, because the only thing that will matter at the point will be the person who will be standing by my side, and my focus will be showing her my commitment, respect, and love. I won't have time to worry about what label is on it.

 

TOJAZ

Read the research I posted above. The researchers would not agree with you on your statement that being married doesn't make the relationship any more committed and solid. You seem to see marriage as just an unnecessary piece of paper or just a label. I see it as a commitment and an act of faith.

[maybealone]

I do want to be married, but my biggest fear is another expensive divorce. If I marry again, I will get a prenup. I'm not going to push for it, but I will give it to my future GF if she wants it. I know who ever that may be, she will probably be pissed if I asked them to sign one.

 

When I was young and naive, I thought prenups meant the other person was entering the marriage already knowing that it might not work out. My current marital problems have taught me the opposite. I would totally want a prenup if I ever got married again as much for the protection of his assets as for mine.