10 years ago......

[Sub Dude]

Hello All and thanks for taking the time to read this long story.

 

I met my wife when I was 15. We went out for a year...had some good times as kids. Broke up for no good reason. I went in the military, stationed close to home. Ended up seeing her while I was around town and I said hey.

 

We ended up hanging out the next day and I took her virginity. I was 18 she was almost 18. I was in the military for 5 years. We were together the whole time. In love.

 

When I was not gone, I was always with her.

 

I had to go on two 7 month deployments in the time we were together. We stayed together through letters, phone calls and emails. Inseparable even 5000 miles apart.

 

I made a very bad decision one night before I left.....was at a party and ended up being the drunk guy there. Some girl who was much younger than I was coming on to me and I was digging the attention. Shame on me.

 

I ended up having sex with her. Shame on me again. I left for the last deployment and was head strong that I was getting out a year later. I was sick of leaving all the time.

 

One month before we get back, I was taking care of myself when I noticed a small flesh colored bump on my junk. Went to the doc when we hit land and he was fairly sure it was HPV. I was shocked. The girl I got with was probably illegal at the time and I was too drunk to know that. Say I was 20 and she was 15. Shame on me. But how could she have HPV?????? So young!!!!!

 

So I got the one wart I guess...froze off before I got home.

 

Told the girlfriend the day I got home.....I was not convinced it was HPV cuz all the pics I looked at and reading I did made it sound like I shoulda had more warts. Only had the one.

 

So I told her I might have something, not sure cuz the doc wasn't sure. She said whatever you have, i'll get it. There we were and there we went.

 

Within 2 weeks she comes down with herpes. I was like WTF!!!!! She was adamant about it, saw different docs. I was in denial I guess. I knew she wouldn't cheat on me...so quiet and loyal. I knew I did NOT have herpes so I was baffled. Baffled. I never saw the herpes on her....I shoulda asked to see them as ****ed up as that sounds.

 

So She got it like 3 times in one year and then it never happened again. I loved her so much and I thought if I told her about the drunken party mistake, she would leave me.

 

She asked me if I cheated while gone and I said no. Had plenty of places to get some while traveling....but all I could think of was her. Stayed true to her.

 

Fast forward a lil.....gettin out of military and we find out shes pregnant. I really didn't want that at the time as I was just about to taste freedom for the first time in my life. Went from high school to military for 5 years.

 

Long story short...she wouldn't have abortion. Called my ol man who said, you got nothing to lose, best thing that will happen to you. So I manned up and said lets make a family.

 

Ended up making it all happen in a very good way. Went through some broke times, but I always went to work and took care of what a man does.

 

So here we are 7 years later. Married now and had another child about a year ago. I had guilt about the herpes the whole time. I said to myself, if she gets that **** one more time I will have to come out with it.

 

So 3 weeks ago she was a lil sore down there. I reassured her I never cheated on her while I was gone. And then she asked, did you while you were home.

 

I came clean. Yes, sorry I was never man enough to tell you. Told her the whole story.

 

She comes back with well I always thought you were cheating so I cheated on you once while you were gone. I was shocked again. The last girl in the world to suspect.

 

I grill her. Every other day for the next 2 weeks more details come out.

 

Ends up, she was bangin a black dude she worked with in a closet at work....started 2 weeks before I left on 7 month deployment....went on the WHOLE TIME....and then twice more "to get back at me for the STD".

 

My world crumbled.

 

So now, married for 2 years and have 2 kids in our first home....and I feel like the one who got screwed. A fool!

 

I made a mistake and had a secret....but hers trumped mine big time!

 

Back to the herpes....I'm like how the **** do you think it Cuz she got it within 2 weeks of me being back. I agree.....bad timing. I never got tested which I was a dumb kid for not doing. Never had a symptom although you can be a carrier and never have it yourself.

 

I am waiting on my test results now. Should be in within 7 days. If I come up negative for it....I'm gonna be the guy who was protecting freedom in the Middle East while my serious gf of 3.5 years and many deployments...long and short....was straight up running around on me.

 

She says it was because she thought i was cheating on her and she was young, dumb and insecure.

 

We all know black dudes are well hung....prolly not all but its a good sterotype.

 

Now all I got in my head is she was getting her brains banged out by some dude that was bigger than me.

 

She says the sex was not good and she felt guilty.....but it happened like 10-20 times!!!!! If it was not good, she wouldn't have done it. If she didn't think he was hot and want it, it would not have happened.

 

I am crushed. I passed up alot of things for her in those days. I am beyond angry and getting depressed about it. And I know it happened 10 years ago and she says she never cheated again or even thought about it again. Our wedding day was the best day of her life she says.

 

I feel like a chump, loser, undesired.....the emotions go on.

 

What do you all think about this mess?

 

Thanks for any replies that are sincere.

[Sub Dude]

I forgot to say.....if that test comes back negative for me...that means she got it from him. And I don't know how thats gonna make me feel.

 

This all feels like it happened yesterday.....

[Sub Dude]

One more thing....

 

She said she was always bent over but they used condoms. I'm like how do you know he always used a rubber if you were bent over????? We used to use condoms before she went on the pill so she said she knew what sex was like with and without one. I said, you coulda got herpes from him even if he used a rubber....still skin to skin contact. It could have broken. Who knows?! She said she never had cum in her. So shes only 99% sure they always used a rubber. Never had anything til 2 weeks after I got home.

[bigmomma1974]

it seems to me there was betrayal on both sides, no matter if it was just 1 time or 20 times there is betrayal there. Are you willing to make what you have work? Do you love your wife uncomditionally and want to save your family? The choice is yours and yours alone. Are you willing to end a marriage because you both where young and dumb and cheated? I do not honestly know what to say or think about this matter but if you stay together you both need to seek guidence and counsling to help ovber come the betrayal. As far as herpes go that is tough, you cant ever get rid of herpes but can live a long productive life with them. SO if i where you i would think long and hard and make the best choice for you.

[Sub Dude]

Thanks for the reply Big Momma.

 

Yes there was betrayal on both sides. But if that herpes test comes back negative for me....I will have carried 10 years of guilt that wasn't mine.

 

I am not racist but for her to have cheated with a black man is a kick in the balls. If she got a disease from him and let me carry that....along with it making her depressed and it kind of effecting our relationship for the last 10 years.....after everything I passed up for her.....I may feel I need to cheat to get even. I realize that is an angry statement.....but thats what I am....angry.

 

I don't want to end our marriage and neither does she....we are seeking counseling.

 

Here is another angry feeling i have and shared with my wife......the mental torment I am in right now....I would like to do another woman and have her watch.....then she would know how I feel. Gonna say that to the marriage counselor just to hear him say I'm crazy.

 

We do have 2 beautiful children that mean everything to me and I won't split their house up.

 

But if I knew this happened when I came back, I woulda slapped her and left her on the spot. I can't do that now and was never afforded the chance to cheat myself. So you can say the last 10 years have been a lie....and that hurts me. I love what I have now.....but should I have it???

[CC12]

So you can say the last 10 years have been a lie.

 

You both lied. Do you think she would have stayed with you if she knew you banged a minor and got HPV from her? I don't understand where your righteous indignation is coming from. I guess it makes you feel better about your indiscretion to focus on how hers was supposedly so much worse than yours, but you're just splitting hairs. You were both responsible for making "the last 10 years a lie." Don't put it all on her.

 

Also, you both put each other's health at risk, but since you're playing the "who was worse" game, then you win because you knowingly exposed her to HPV and didn't tell her, which, if she has it, puts her at a greater risk of cervical cancer. So if, god forbid, she ever gets cervical cancer, then it most certainly came from the HPV you likely gave her and that would make this statement of yours:

 

I made a mistake and had a secret....but hers trumped mine big time!

 

Incorrect! You giving her cancer trumps her secret big time!

 

 

Look, I'm sorry for making light of your situation, but you're being so petty about all of this now. There are much bigger issues here, and you're focused on the race of the man she cheated on you with, and if he was better than you, and also how you "would like to do another woman and have her watch.....then she would know how I feel." Stop it.

 

Focus on the bigger picture here, which is this: You were very irresponsible with your health, and the health of your wife. A doctor told you that you had HPV, and you ignored it. I get what happened, that you thought the doctor must have been wrong and it must have been herpes instead or something, but why on earth didn't you look into it or at least warn your wife about it so she could act accordingly (for example being diligent in getting regular pap smears)?

 

I'm glad you're looking into your sexual health now, even though it seems you're only doing it to somehow win or something. I hope you're encouraging your wife to do the same.

[Kidd]

You both lied. Do you think she would have stayed with you if she knew you banged a minor and got HPV from her? I don't understand where your righteous indignation is coming from. I guess it makes you feel better about your indiscretion to focus on how hers was supposedly so much worse than yours, but you're just splitting hairs. You were both responsible for making "the last 10 years a lie." Don't put it all on her.

 

Also, you both put each other's health at risk, but since you're playing the "who was worse" game, then you win because you knowingly exposed her to HPV and didn't tell her, which, if she has it, puts her at a greater risk of cervical cancer. So if, god forbid, she ever gets cervical cancer, then it most certainly came from the HPV you likely gave her and that would make this statement of yours:

 

 

 

Incorrect! You giving her cancer trumps her secret big time!

 

 

Look, I'm sorry for making light of your situation, but you're being so petty about all of this now. There are much bigger issues here, and you're focused on the race of the man she cheated on you with, and if he was better than you, and also how you "would like to do another woman and have her watch.....then she would know how I feel." Stop it.

 

Focus on the bigger picture here, which is this: You were very irresponsible with your health, and the health of your wife. A doctor told you that you had HPV, and you ignored it. I get what happened, that you thought the doctor must have been wrong and it must have been herpes instead or something, but why on earth didn't you look into it or at least warn your wife about it so she could act accordingly (for example being diligent in getting regular pap smears)?

 

I'm glad you're looking into your sexual health now, even though it seems you're only doing it to somehow win or something. I hope you're encouraging your wife to do the same.

 

If I'm not mistaken, herpes is HPV. And yeah, either of you could have given it to one another. Or it could have been passed down by your parents. Some ridiculously high percentage of the population has it. I found out I had it from one wart and never had another. Get an education on it.

 

Agree with the whole righteous indignation thing, too. You cheated first bud. You both betrayed one another. It will take huge effort on both parts to heal. Your fantasy revenge affair will solve nothing unless you aim is to creTe more of a mess. You can trust me on that one. If you love her, don't, you know, hurt her.

[oldguy]

I wont go into it all but most of your issues come down to one common deliminator; your pride & your feelings & the two of you have been together long enough to entitle you both to get a tune up; go see someone & get this all properly worked out before it builds up and explodes.

[Sub Dude]

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate it.

 

I see both sides of this.

 

The doctors in the military, especially where I was when they said I may have HPV, we horrible doctors. I was probably in denial, but I couldn't take their word for it.

 

I basically did tell her when I got home, just didn't say HPV. She has had reg testing done and has never tested positive for HPV.

 

The whole herpes and HPV are the same is a very interesting issue. Some docs say they are the same, and some say they are 2 diff diseases. The place where I went to get tested couldn't really answer that straight.....instead giving me pamplets on each.....making them seem like 2 diff diseases to me.

 

We are beginning counseling on Friday.

 

I think hers is worse because I was away defending freedom at the beginning of the "war in Iraq".....sending letters, emails and calling whenever I was on land. To a military man, thats the worst fear.

 

I had known about this dude but she said she just got weed from him once in awhile. It smelled bad. I found his num in her phone at one point. Was either right before I left, or right when I got back. I had even asked her about him while I was gone....she said nah its all good.

 

So to me, hers is far worse than mine.

 

I hope this all works out.....

[Untouchable_Fire]

You both lied. Do you think she would have stayed with you if she knew you banged a minor and got HPV from her? I don't understand where your righteous indignation is coming from. I guess it makes you feel better about your indiscretion to focus on how hers was supposedly so much worse than yours, but you're just splitting hairs. You were both responsible for making "the last 10 years a lie." Don't put it all on her.

Also, you both put each other's health at risk, but since you're playing the "who was worse" game, then you win because you knowingly exposed her to HPV and didn't tell her, which, if she has it, puts her at a greater risk of cervical cancer. So if, god forbid, she ever gets cervical cancer, then it most certainly came from the HPV you likely gave her and that would make this statement of yours:

 

NO... these two things are not even CLOSE to equal.

 

This guy got drunk at a party and while his inhibitions were lowered he cheated 1 time with a girl.

 

His wife on the other hand KNOWINGLY conducted an affair for months. She did this to get revenge for something she had no way of knowing had happened.

 

How are those two things equal? One is like involuntary manslaughter... the other is 1st degree murder.

 

Incorrect! You giving her cancer trumps her secret big time!

 

She doesn't have cancer. Your statement is pretty much like him getting upset with her for exposing him to HIV.

 

Stop being ridiculous.

 

Look, I'm sorry for making light of your situation, but you're being so petty about all of this now. There are much bigger issues here, and you're focused on the race of the man she cheated on you with, and if he was better than you, and also how you "would like to do another woman and have her watch.....then she would know how I feel." Stop it.

Focus on the bigger picture here,

 

That IS the bigger picture here.

 

If I honestly believed this woman's story... I would not be willing to stay with her.

[Steen719]

They are both caused by a virus, but are different. I have HPV (thank you XH) and I had several bad paps, painful treatments and eventually a total hysterectomy so it did not lead to cervical cancer. No fun, I promise you and not so ridiculous when it happens to you.

[CC12]

How are those two things equal?

 

Does it matter if they're not equal? If they want to stay together, it's pointless to nitpick at details. They both cheated and they both lied about it. It's not helpful that he condemns her while dismissing his own wrongdoing.

 

She doesn't have cancer. Your statement is pretty much like him getting upset with her for exposing him to HIV.

 

Stop being ridiculous.

 

I didn't say she had cancer. You took that statement out of context.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

We are beginning counseling on Friday.

 

I think hers is worse because I was away defending freedom at the beginning of the "war in Iraq".....sending letters, emails and calling whenever I was on land. To a military man, thats the worst fear.

 

I had known about this dude but she said she just got weed from him once in awhile. It smelled bad. I found his num in her phone at one point. Was either right before I left, or right when I got back. I had even asked her about him while I was gone....she said nah its all good.

 

So to me, hers is far worse than mine.

 

I hope this all works out.....

 

Agreeing to go to counseling is a good start.

 

You cheated, lied, deceived, and covered it up.

Your wife cheated, lied, deceived, and covered it up.

You hurt her, she hurt you.

 

Trying to weigh which one is "worse" is futile and counterproductive. It all sucks all around for everyone.

 

This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George dumps the girl for being bald.

[oldguy]

NO... these two things are not even CLOSE to equal.

 

This guy got drunk at a party and while his inhibitions were lowered he cheated 1 time with a girl.

 

His wife on the other hand KNOWINGLY conducted an affair for months. She did this to get revenge for something she had no way of knowing had happened.

 

How are those two things equal? One is like involuntary manslaughter... the other is 1st degree murder.

Ya, I thought the same thing but the issues here have a long way to go before the one of, who's more at fault can be addressed. But you are absolutely correct & the one act of stupidity versus the sober intention & history of betrayal over a period of time will need to be addressed at some point. The 1st degree murder versus manslaughter analogy was a very good one in fact.

[Million.to.1]

....I'm gonna be the guy who was protecting freedom in the Middle East

 

I think hers is worse because I was away defending freedom at the beginning of the "war in Iraq".....

 

I think your concept of "right & wrong" "good or bad" and what justifies what, is seriously out of wack.

 

You both cheated.

You both are at a health risk.

 

You both need to get physically checked out by a professional and get a complete diagnosis and stop worrying about all the potential what if's and the maybes. Then seek relationship counseling to work through these past and present issues of blame and resentment to move forward. You can't keep running around in circles going "well if my dick explodes because of my STD then I have to blame myself, but if it wasn't from me, I can blame her." or if she get cancer because of me, then I'm a bad-guy, but then if she does and it's because of mr big black dick, then it's her own fault, and I've had extra guilt for 10 years over nothing"

Do you see how retarded that sounds?

 

Almost as retarded as saying "I protect freedom by perpetuating a cycle of killing and hate while serving nothing but multi-billion dollar arms industry"

 

The fact that you served in a war does not automatically make you a good person and therefore less deserving of betrayal from a partner. These repeated statements you make are laughable. War is in no way a good or positive thing to be involved in EVER. It only destroys. Did you know that more American soldiers have committed suicide than have died in combat?

It's because an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.

[frozensprouts]

If I'm not mistaken, herpes is HPV. And yeah, either of you could have given it to one another. Or it could have been passed down by your parents. Some ridiculously high percentage of the population has it. I found out I had it from one wart and never had another. Get an education on it.

 

Agree with the whole righteous indignation thing, too. You cheated first bud. You both betrayed one another. It will take huge effort on both parts to heal. Your fantasy revenge affair will solve nothing unless you aim is to creTe more of a mess. You can trust me on that one. If you love her, don't, you know, hurt her.

 

actually herpes is caused by the herpes virus, and HPV is human papiloma (sp.?) virus. the herpes vrius causes herpes, and the other causes genital warts , which, in women can sometimes become cancerous (cervical cancer) which high a relatively high mortality rate and can metastasize before it's detected.( I have a friend who died from it)

[frozensprouts]

sub,

 

you both cheated...at this point, does it really matter who is more guilty than who?

look at it this way...

 

you got so drunk at a party that you couldn't control you actions and you slept with a minor ( from what you say) , from whom you feel you caught HPV ( which is NOT herpes, but you may well have had herpes anyway, a huge number of people do and don't even know it, especially men...if you had sex with anyone besides your wife, you may have caught it from any one of them).

 

your wife ( at the time girlfriend) cheated on you with some guy from whom she may have caught herpes. She may have caught HPV from you (it can lie dormant along nerve cells and not show up in screening tests until it becomes symptomatic), the end result of which is that she develops cervical dyspalsia , or even cervical cancer ( this is why they've developed an HPV vaccine for girls)

 

 

right now, you sit at about even

 

you were both kids then ( being miltray doesn't mean you make good choices...I see lots of young military guys( and women too) around here who act like total idiots when left to their own devices...they are, pretty young and prone to making mistakes, just like everyone else)...

 

it's time that you both acted like adults and either find a way to put this behind you or move on...don't stay with your wife if you have ill intentions towards her. Counseling may help ( the unit padres are great with that...do you have them where you are- if you are still military- trust me...they have heard and seen it all before and will help you no matter what, if any, your religious affiliations may or may not be) you get this all sorted out.

[Sub Dude]

Lotta good replies here and I appreciate it.

 

She basically tells me it was bad sex last lasted 5 min a time. I wasn't the best bf when I was in the navy and I can see where she thought I was cheating. I guess sometimes when I was gone, I would have cheated if the opportunity arised. Some times it did and I was too drunk to act on it.....but I wasn't out lookin for it. Never the guy to visit a whorehouse. Too much morales for that jazz.

 

Her parents/house is and was ****ed up back then. She has been depressed for a long time. I am reasoning with myself and I know she has always had low self esteem due to the nature of her house and parents. So low self esteem will cause girls to do this.

 

I just want to re iterate for the folks at don't seem to have read the whole story......we were like 20 when this all happened.....now we are 30, have been married for 2 years and have 2 kids....7 and 8 months.

 

Things are very different and I really don't think she would do it again. And I wouldn't either. Maybe it was too much for me to think she wouldn't have cheated while I was gone for 7 months?

 

Eh, still feel sick but she has made me feel better. Starting counseling on Fri. I will be back after that to drop some more of my story.

 

I know you are all perfect strangers, but it has helped me to get this out to someone and get it off my chest. Thanks for the support fellow human beings!