setsenia Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 But this means my brother has to stay all week to carpool each morning because of his anxiety with driving issue. It's nice my brother got my husband a week and a half of temporary work, so is it unreasonable for him to ask my brother to help with food and chip in for gas costs since they are carpooling? Neither of them have a job, but if my brother can afford to buy expensive beer, he should be taking care of his living costs also. He's 27, staying with my grandmother while he gets treatment for his anxiety. He has no living expenses except a phone bill and he gives my mom a problem with paying it each month. So, bottom line is that he doesn't pay rent or for food at my grandmothers. I definitely think he should be helping her with something. I'm rather upset about this, because I'll have no privacy all week long (one bedroom apartment) and I'll have to be at work extra early since we share one car. I've told my husband before that if my brother wants rides, he definitely needs to compensate him. Like today my brother forgot his information for his first day on the job and that meant gas driving 10 miles back and forth roundtrip. I told my husband he needs to ask for the cash before doing these favors, because we are in no situation to be financially generous. He gets all upset with me, because he thinks "I am repeating myself". I told him if he were to set his foot down with people about doing favors, I wouldn't need to repeat myself! The gas is coming from my paycheck, not his, so why should I have to suffer because my husband can't set limits with people? Need advice! Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted February 27, 2012 Author Share Posted February 27, 2012 Don't know how helped was changed unto "ed" in the thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted February 27, 2012 Author Share Posted February 27, 2012 Really need some advice when someone gets the chance. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 But this means my brother has to stay all week to carpool each morning because of his anxiety with driving issue. It's nice my brother got my husband a week and a half of temporary work, so is it unreasonable for him to ask my brother to help with food and chip in for gas costs since they are carpooling? Neither of them have a job, but if my brother can afford to buy expensive beer, he should be taking care of his living costs also. He's 27, staying with my grandmother while he gets treatment for his anxiety. He has no living expenses except a phone bill and he gives my mom a problem with paying it each month. So, bottom line is that he doesn't pay rent or for food at my grandmothers. I definitely think he should be helping her with something. I'm rather upset about this, because I'll have no privacy all week long (one bedroom apartment) and I'll have to be at work extra early since we share one car. I've told my husband before that if my brother wants rides, he definitely needs to compensate him. Like today my brother forgot his information for his first day on the job and that meant gas driving 10 miles back and forth roundtrip. I told my husband he needs to ask for the cash before doing these favors, because we are in no situation to be financially generous. He gets all upset with me, because he thinks "I am repeating myself". I told him if he were to set his foot down with people about doing favors, I wouldn't need to repeat myself! The gas is coming from my paycheck, not his, so why should I have to suffer because my husband can't set limits with people? Need advice! I think you should discuss this with your brother directly, rather than putting your H in the middle of this. This is your brother, your pay check, and, apparently, your preferred way of dealing with it since your H hasn't acted on it. Chipping in for gas and food sounds reasonable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted February 27, 2012 Author Share Posted February 27, 2012 (edited) Well, I've tried telling him directly and it gets no where. He and my husband always say "they have it handled", so my voice always goes unheard. Anytime I bring up the issue, my brother will say "don't worry about it, we got it figured out". He won't deal with it with me, only my H, which is weird. Just like yesterday when he got a free ride home and back. I told him he'd better have the cash ready right then or be pulling it out during the trip. Well, I found out later last night my husband still didn't get the cash from him and that he'd "ask later" when my brother said he'd give him cash or whatever. Because of this, I told my husband I would not give him gas money and that if my brother needs to get to work via carpooling or extra rides, he will be forced to give him the money. Another thing that's frustrating, and while it's great that you get along with in-laws, I'm not so sure I like this alternative. They act like best buddies when together and my H always makes me out to be the bad guy. He told me incessantly at home that he did not want to take my brother to his appointment today, because he would be too tired and told him repeatedly "no". My brother still asks their boss to leave early, even after we said no. He goes along with what he wants and then says he'll pay him $15 cash for the ride. My husband still said no, but when we actually get together with my brother and confronted him about the issue, all of a sudden it was okay with my H that he gives him a ride since he'll get paid for it!! Gee thanks for the emotional support and making me look like the idiot! Edited February 27, 2012 by setsenia Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 Well, I've tried telling him directly and it gets no where. He and my husband always say "they have it handled", so my voice always goes unheard. Anytime I bring up the issue, my brother will say "don't worry about it, we got it figured out". Just like yesterday when he got a free ride home and back. I told him he'd better have the cash ready right then or be pulling it out during the trip. Well, I found out later last night my husband still didn't get the cash from him and that he'd "ask later" when my brother said he'd give him cash or whatever. Because of this, I told my husband I would not give him gas money and that if my brother needs to get to work via carpooling or extra rides, he will be forced to give him the money. Why, then, are you expecting your H to arrive at a different result than you? I think, though, that you and your H need to have a common front on this. But that also means that it has to be his decision to take this approach and not just yours. Did the two of you ever discuss this properly and agree on a shared course of action? Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 I wrote my last post just as you edited yours. Given the new info, I think you need to discuss what you write in your last para with your H, if you haven't already. Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted February 27, 2012 Author Share Posted February 27, 2012 It's not so much that I expect to him to arrive at a different result, but that he supports me in setting the boundaries. It doesn't help that I'm trying to set boundaries with my needy and dramatic family and my husband not respecting them and doing "favors" anyways. We've discussed the issue and he thinks I am "repeating myself". The last time my H took my brother to an appointment, he said that would be the last and final time and didn't stick by it. He says he's going to "set his foot down" about all the favor asking, but doesn't stay firm. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 It's not so much that I expect to him to arrive at a different result, but that he supports me in setting the boundaries. It doesn't help that I'm trying to set boundaries with my needy and dramatic family and my husband not respecting them and doing "favors" anyways. We've discussed the issue and he thinks I am "repeating myself". The last time my H took my brother to an appointment, he said that would be the last and final time and didn't stick by it. He says he's going to "set his foot down" about all the favor asking, but doesn't stay firm. Well, whether you are repeating yourself is a bit irrelevant if he won't address the issue with you - the issue being the bolded. Is that his only response? Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted February 27, 2012 Author Share Posted February 27, 2012 Pretty much, that or "I'll handle it". LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted February 29, 2012 Author Share Posted February 29, 2012 (edited) Um, when you are dealing with an irresponsible family member who's staying with you and not willing to help out, whether they pay rent or contribute to other family members is what you can or can't expect of them. So therefore, yes, the fact that he does or doesn't pay my grandmother rent does come into play. And second of all, you know nothing about my brother to decide what I should and shouldn't do for him and if he is or isn't responsible. Being a family member is no exception for being a leech. My brother has a history of asking for people to "cover" him and never fulfilling his promises of paying money back. At this time, he had full time employment. There's no excuse for why he can't carry enough cash when he suggests to go out places. If you don't have the money, you don't go out. One time he showed up at our door in the middle of the night (after we told him no way earlier, because I was sick) and expects to crash at our place. We told him to leave. I don't care if you think that's "wrong" of family to do. Maybe you have different beliefs as far as "family" goes, but that's not for everyone. He also tries to "walk in our house" without knocking like he owns the place. He'll show up at our place and expect us to take him home without asking. Yes, he appreciates my brother got him a job for a week, but he didn't even ask my husband if he wanted to work for this place. He just went ahead and told him "they both start this week". He walks into our place and surfs through the fridge like he lives there, but if we were to do that at his and his fiance's place, it's a HUGE no-no. He wouldn't even make my mom a sandwich at his place. Big double standard there as the "family" concept only applies for him, but no one else. The job is only a week long. That doesn't mean we can afford to feed another mouth. We are providing him a free place to stay and transportation to this job so he doesn't have to drive his own car. Asking him to provide some of his own food and a little gas isn't unreasonable. Edited February 29, 2012 by setsenia Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted March 1, 2012 Author Share Posted March 1, 2012 Well, that's another long story. He was living with his fiance when he was going to school and then after he graduated school, he moved out of state for a job, got fired 2-3 months later and his fiance was laid off her job, thus they moved back. He's staying with my grandmother while she is with her parents. She might be moving out soon (her and her sister might get a place) and my brother will come move in later. Link to post Share on other sites
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