Normal or am I stupid?

[MrDope]

My gf and I have been together for almost 4 months now and we are very close. We'd known each other for over a year as friends before we got together and the transition went very well. I can talk to her about just about anything and she feels the same toward me. She's older than me (i'm 20 and she's 27) but thus far that hasn't been a problem. We get along very well and although we don't always see eye to eye on things, neither of us has any trouble with some good natured debate hehe. Also, we've both been very upfront about what we want from our lives and from a relationship right now. She knows that I want to finish school before thinking about things like marriage and for her part she isn't in any rush to get to that stage either.

 

Now here's thing, we live about 5 hours apart and our current work/living arrangements don't allow us to see each other nearly as often as we'd like. We talk on the phone and computer daily, and well its not face to face but it'll do in a pinch. But being in this situation has presented us with certain problems, one of which is the old time favorite: jealousy. Neither of us is very jealous, and yeah I know you can say that's easy for us to say but it's true. Recently I spent some time with some mutual friends of ours, including a female that my gf knows has an interest in me. She didn't like that I was hanging out with this person, staying at her house in fact, especially without my gf there with me. But she didn't complain, didn't try to make me feel guilty about being there, she was just honest about her feelings and trusted that I would never betray her, which I can tell you I wouldn't.

 

On the flip side of things, there's the fact that she loves to dance and goes out to clubs with her friends, both male and female, sometimes. This doesn't bother me, I want her to have fun and it would be very selfish of me to want her to sit around at home whenever I'm not around. Also, I trust her just as she does me. I know she would never betray me, go looking for someone else, or reciprocate anyone else's advances. My problem, the point of this long post hehe, is that at times the thought of her dancing with other men does enter my mind. It doesn't make me angry or upset, more like a bit uncomfortable. I know the type of music she likes and well dancing to it involves physical contact of a sensual nature even if there is nothing between the dance partners. So I guess what I'm saying is the thought of her with some other guy dancing and touching each other on the dance floor doesn't agree with me. I know it shouldn't bother me, especially if I trust her not to take it any further, but at times I can't shake the discomfort. We are very honest with each other and she knows my feelings, and also that I would never ask her to not go dancing nor would I try to make her feel guilty about doing so. On top of my discomfort over her doing that is my own displeasure with myself for feeling that way. I'm not a jealous person and when it crops up I really don't like it.

 

So I guess what I'm looking for here is, is it normal to feel this way about her dancing with other guys? She tells me it is and that she would feel the same about me with other women, but I'm not sure if she's trying to make me feel better or really means it. I'm inclined to believe she means it but I feel a bit uncertain. So is it normal? or am I being a dumb jealous boyfriend? In the case that you go for the second option, feel free to knock some sense into me. I need it

 

Thanks for listening

[KitCat]

I definitely do NOT think u're an unusually jealous boyfriend and I think it's totally normal that you feel that way. Random guys grinding with your girlfriend late at night in a club. I don't want to make u feel worse about it, but I know that if I had a boyfriend, I don't think i'd be doing that. I think dancing.. that kind of dancing (grinding or watever that physical contact of a sensual/sexual nature that you refer to is) IS in fact very sexual and maybe it's just me.. but I don't feel comfortable dancing like that with just anyone... especially when I have a boyfriend.

 

Seems to me that you've been very understanding and sweet about everything, so she knows your not just the crazy jealous boyfriend type. I think you should tell her how it's been bothering you a lot and that you seem to be thnking about it a lot (it'll be obvious to her that you're honestly bothered by it), and maybe she'll tone it down or something. Just talk about it... I'm not sure what she'll do or if you two will somehow fix this but.. it's worth talking to her about.

 

HOWEVER, if dancing really is a part of who she is and she really enjoys it and would be feeling controlled and sad if she couldn't keep doing what she really loves, then you should just trust her. And let her know that you trust her. Just try not to think about it. If you must, think of it like...she's some kind of dancer as if it were her job, and you have no choice but to accept it. Cuz if that's what relieves her stress and keeps her sane.. then she needs it.

 

But I still think that if she loves you and cares about your feelings, then she might do something to make you feel better about it somehow.

[Love2share]

Since you have your own little female friend whom you seem to be much closer to than these people that your girlfriend is dancing with, you shouldn't be concerned about her being faithful to you. At least she's in a public place where too much intimate contact is prohibited. You on the other hand, insist upon being in private places with another girl whom you know is attracted to you more than just a friend.

 

Sounds like you both need to have a lot of trust in each other. Otherwise, you both need to stop making each other feel insecure by doing things that clearly are not appropriate in serious relationships.

 

If she really loves to dance, then she should find another way to release that energy than "grinding" on strange people. If you need a friend, then you need to find someone who doesn't pose a thret to your feelings, and your relationship with your girlfriend.

[MrDope]

First, thank you both for your advice and words. Just hearing from someone else about this is oddly comforting on its own regardless of the advice.

 

Love2share,

 

I wasn't really specific about the "female friend" in my original post so I wanted to clear that up. I'm not at all close with this person, but she is the daughter of a friend of mine's so going to see my friend means that I see her as well. I took extra care not to be alone with this female and called my gf regularly to make sure she wasn't worrying. I'm not trying to defend myself here, thinking back on it now I wouldn't even have gone. Just wanted to clear up that misunderstanding from my original post.

 

thanks for responding