From coworker, to friend, to ???

[mich81]

I don't know if this is the best place for this but here it goes....

 

A little background... I have worked with this guy for the past 3 years in a small office. There are a group of about 5 of us in the office that are pretty close, we eat lunch together most days and talk frequently throughout the day, but this guy (Joe), and I are about 10-15 years younger then the rest of the people in the offices. So about 7 months ago Joe and his long time girlfriend broke up, and at that point we started talking more one on one then we had before (mostly through emails). We even started hanging out, outside of work on occasion in groups. So about 6 months ago we discussed going out on a "date". I wanted to, but resisted the idea because of the work situation and I was just beginning a relationship. So that was fine we continued to be friends.

 

Now skip to about a month ago, the guy that I was seeing and I broke up. Joe and I started hanging out more and eventually started spending time alone together. This is all great, we really connect well and the work is not much of an issue anymore as I am in the process of finding a new job. But of course there is a catch, he is leaving in 3 weeks for 3 months at the end of which he doesn't know if he will be returning or not. So that being said, we agreed that we couldn't become serious. He has been planning this for a long time and wont allow anything to interfere with this. I completely understand this, he has a great opportunity in front of him and I support him completely.

 

The problem is over this time, I have developed some strong feelings for him, and I don't know what to do about it. I know it would upset him if he knew I was feeling this way. He told me from the beginning that as much as he would love to give "us" a shot, he couldn't let himself, and if I was in is position I would probably feel the same.

 

So instead of telling myself that I need to just move on and forget about him, I can't. Instead I think, well its only 3 months and then maybe he will be back. The key word there being maybe, because he may move for good.

 

Ok, sorry this is so long and I hope that it makes sense. I guess I just needed to get that off my chest, but any insight would be greatly apprecitated.

[BVItortola]

I would spend the next three weeks with him. During that time evaluate if there is a real future ahead of you. If so then what is keeping you from moving on with him, not straight away but after some time handling a distance relationship even after 3 months if he decides to stay where he is moving to? Of course this is a discussion you need to have with him at some point.

 

That said, if moving to his new area (sooner or later) is not feasible then you have to do the hard thing and let go. I can say that my recent experiences with feelings for a co-worker seemed impossible to handle for me, but after some thought and advice from people on this forum, I came to the conclusion that I had to put my feelings aside and let her go. It is difficult - you will have good days and bad days but in the end you just have to get through it as painful as it may be. Good luck.

[mich81]

Thank you for your response!

 

As far as me moving to be with him, I would be more then happy to do that, as I am looking to relocate myself. I have told him jokingly that I am going to follow him, because I want to move away but don't want to go alone (but that is a whole other issue). I don't think that our relationship is at a point where that would be possible. We are great together and I think we both see that, but he is very closed off to us getting any closer then we are at the moment.

 

I have had the thought to try and make some kind of gesture before he leaves, or even give him something for his trip to let him know I care. But at the same time I don't want to put pressure on him, because I know the last thing he wants to think is that him leaving is hurting me. What do you think, good idea or bad?

[BVItortola]

If he is closed off to developing anything further then I think you will have to respect that. There is nothing wrong with letting him know you are not totally happy with that and trying to convince him you are right but if it doesn't work out you will have to accept his view.

 

A parting gift that he knows is from the heart is not something I think will hurt, he would probably appreciated it really. But if you do buy him something then it must be in concert with a meaningful conversation about how you both feel. Be honest and realistic in your thoughts. Your situation doesn't seem to have an easy solution, but if you are honest with him and yourself then you may succeed in developing a relationship or you may not - either way you will be able to move onto the next step, whatever that step may be.