The ''sad'' other woman

[noelle303]

I feel like people really believe that in order to be ''the other woman'' you have to be somehow ''damaged'' or ''broken''. Basically, that it's impossible to get in that position as a healthy individual.

 

I grew up in a happy household, upper-middle class, parents in a loving marriage, close with my brother, well-adjusted, fairly popular kid, in addition to being quite confident and social.

 

And on the verge of turning 20, I found myself being the other woman without even thinking about it.

 

And now when I read around this board or when I read stuff online, I notice the underlying tones about mistresses being sad or broken women, screwed up in one way or another (I never used to notice this before, I only noticed the clear message about them being evil).

I was far from a sad woman, and it was far from some sad affair. So it makes me wonder, do you all believe that?

 

I believe that there are sad affairs, but I also believe that the notion of all of them being like that has been party at least, presented by the BS side because it's easier to think that the other woman was this marginalized pathetic creature.

[bentnotbroken]

The mere fact that any one would be okay with being an OW in my thought process does say something is off the beam so to speak. Does it make me feel better to believe that....nah. No more than it makes me feel better to say that Mr. Messy was jacked up, or that I am jacked up. It is what it is. All about the perspective you have on the situation I suspect.

Edited February 27, 2012 by bentnotbroken

[stillafool]

I feel like people really believe that in order to be ''the other woman'' you have to be somehow ''damaged'' or ''broken''. Basically, that it's impossible to get in that position as a healthy individual.

 

I grew up in a happy household, upper-middle class, parents in a loving marriage, close with my brother, well-adjusted, fairly popular kid, in addition to being quite confident and social.

 

And on the verge of turning 20, I found myself being the other woman without even thinking about it.

 

And now when I read around this board or when I read stuff online, I notice the underlying tones about mistresses being sad or broken women, screwed up in one way or another (I never used to notice this before, I only noticed the clear message about them being evil).

I was far from a sad woman, and it was far from some sad affair. So it makes me wonder, do you all believe that?

 

I believe that there are sad affairs, but I also believe that the notion of all of them being like that has been party at least, presented by the BS side because it's easier to think that the other woman was this marginalized pathetic creature.

 

 

I don't feel OW are sad or broken, I just feel they are downright selfish.

[whichwayisup]

And on the verge of turning 20, I found myself being the other woman without even thinking about it.

 

So you never thought of consquences, or the damage you'd be bringing into your own life, never thought of being part of a triangle that help would hurt someone else (his wife, kids).. Or realize that you'd have to hide your MM from your friends, your parents etc.. Not a relationship you'd be proud of. I highly doubt you'd bring your MM home for dinner and tell everybody that you don't care, didn't think at all and are totally OK and happy being second fiddle and having an affair with a MM.

 

Not all OW are broken inside to have an affair, but when one ends, they DO become broken from all the pain and the rollercoaster ride. SO if you're not broken now, you probably will be one day Noelle.

[Quiet Storm]

I wouldn't say that all OW are sad. I do think many have issues though.

 

I think some OW are just naive. They probably grew up in a happy, stable home, surrounded by truthful people that loved them and never lied to them. So this type of OW are not broken or damaged yet (MM will do a good job of that later), but lack life experience and street smarts. They take what MM says at face value, and he easily recognizes her gullibility and exploits that. They believe the divorce is imminent and feel sorry for MM, so in their minds, they are not settling and this is very temporary. He is just a great guy caught up in a bad situation and will be free soon. They are truly shocked when they realize that they've been used and lied to, because they have lived a sheltered life. However, in this scenario, if the OW stays with MM after she was lied to, she has issues (in addition to being gullible).

 

The reason I think many OW have issues is that most emotionally healthy women would not want to involve themselves in an affair. It's not even an option in their mind. Too much drama when there are plenty of single men that you don't have to share. If they were attracted to a man, and found out he was married, he would automatically be off limits. Just like if she had found out he was a felon or an addict.

 

Emotionally healthy women have standards, and these standards remain constant NO MATTER WHAT. The relentless pursuit from a married man or feeling "chemistry" would not cause her to compromise her own standards or her beliefs.

 

The main reason I feel that most OW are not emotionally healthy is because I don't feel that it's healthy to compromise your own beliefs and values. There are so many OW who have an inner conflict going on. They "know" an affair is wrong, but they have all these reasons to justify breaking their own value code. They don't like that he lies to his wife, they don't like sharing him, but they do it anyway, to their own detriment. For feelings. They don't want to be in affair, but they are. There is cognitive dissonance going on. They know it's wrong, but love the feelings, so they justify it. It's like a drug addict. A heroin addict knows heroin is bad for them, yet they chase that high. An OW often does the same thing, except she is chasing the high of romantic love feelings instead of drugs. I think it is sad to be a slave to your feelings like this, and I do think it is a sign that there are some issues. You should not need the love of another person so much that your values are tossed out the window.

 

Emotionally healthy people don't see a cheaters love or attention as valuable. Being the target of a cheaters pursuit would feel dirty and beneath them...but most OW are flattered by it and feel special. Here is a guy, that is an admitted cheater and liar. I think someone that can ignore this, or rationalize it away, has issues.

 

An emotionally healthy person wants the best for themselves, and they make choices that benefit their lives. Many OW seem as if they have no insight into their own behavior. I have read countless OW say "but he kept pursuing me" or "it just happened", like they have no control over their own behavior. That because they were the target of a MM, they had to have an affair. That because they were attracted to MM, they had to act on that attraction. That because her and MM have a "connection", this connection must be explored. Emotionally healthy people own their choices. They understand that not all feelings must be acted on, and maintain self control, regardless of feelings or emotions.

 

The only scenario I can think of in an affair where a woman would not be compromising herself, is if she had standards and values that cause her to see an affair as being okay. She thinks it's okay to lie, okay to sneak, okay to cheat on your spouse. Anything that makes you feel good is fine, no matter who gets hurt. This is personality disorder territory, and I would bet most OW like this have Borderline or one of the cluster B personality disorders.

 

So IMO, someone only chooses to be an OW if they are naive or if they have issues.

 

Everyone has issues, though. It's okay to have issues. What's important is how you work through those issues. Recognizing your issues, strengthening your personal boundaries, staying true to yourself, learning from past mistakes...all of these things can be improved. The choices we make in life determine the path our life will take.

[noelle303]

 

How is that you got involved with a mm and didn't think about it that much?

Did you not view him being married as an automatic no, no? Did you go with the attraction, not thinking about the seriousness of the commitment that he had made to someone else? Did you feel entitled to have what you want, without thinking about that there were others who would/could be hurt?

 

Option B. The two of us gave into the fun, I really didn't think much of it or expected him to leave his wife. I didn't believe that any hurt could derive from it and that dishonesty in his marriage is his responsibility.

 

I highly doubt you'd bring your MM home for dinner and tell everybody that you don't care, didn't think at all and are totally OK and happy being second fiddle and having an affair with a MM.

 

Not all OW are broken inside to have an affair, but when one ends, they DO become broken from all the pain and the rollercoaster ride. SO if you're not broken now, you probably will be one day Noelle.

 

 

1) I seriously did not feel like a second fiddle.

 

2) Ok, the ending wasn't a pretty one, but nothing I couldn't have lived through with a single guy. And in the end, I don't feel broken or damaged by it. I wouldn't do it again though because I've leaned from the experience just like any young woman does with her relationships.

[noelle303]

Someone who believes there is nothing wrong with an affair and/or nothing wrong with themselves for engaging in an affair . . . well Noelle, there are several personality disorders that come to mind from which you likely suffer.

 

I never said that I don't see anything wrong with it. He was the one that took the time and effort to build something that eventually became a marriage and a family. So, if he doesn't respect that, it was hard for me to respect that as well.

[KathyM]

I think the OW is damaged if she is willing to enter into an affair. Affairs don't just happen. She chooses to be in one with someone who is unavailable. To me, that means her self esteem is damaged, because she doesn't believe she deserves to have her own man and is willing to share him with his wife. She doesn't believe she deserves to be treated with respect because she allows him to treat her with disrespect by keeping her a secret. Besides her self esteem being damaged, her moral code is also damaged. Despite what religion, or lack thereof, a person has, people generally adhere to the golden rule that it is morally wrong to hurt others--especially to hurt children. Since the OW is willing to do such serious hurt to the wife and children of this MM, I'd say her moral code is damaged. Damaged self esteem, damaged moral code. I'd say that's pretty damaged.

[whichwayisup]

Option B. The two of us gave into the fun, I really didn't think much of it or expected him to leave his wife. I didn't believe that any hurt could derive from it and that dishonesty in his marriage is his responsibility.

 

 

 

 

1) I seriously did not feel like a second fiddle.

 

2) Ok, the ending wasn't a pretty one, but nothing I couldn't have lived through with a single guy. And in the end, I don't feel broken or damaged by it. I wouldn't do it again though because I've leaned from the experience just like any young woman does with her relationships.

 

Let me ask, did you tell your mom and dad? Introduce him as your 'boyfriend'? Show him off to the world? You were second fiddle. Sure he isn't going make you feel that way, but YOU were the OW and being an OW you are second fiddle to his wife and kids. Fact. He isn't obligated to you. If he was with you and had to go home, he went. I highly doubt he would stay by your side, stay in bed with you when his wife needed him or if one of his kids were sick..

 

Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore as you said your A is over and it's not something you'd do again. Glad you learned from this experience.

[noelle303]

Let me ask, did you tell your mom and dad? Introduce him as your 'boyfriend'? Show him off to the world? You were second fiddle. Sure he isn't going make you feel that way, but YOU were the OW and being an OW you are second fiddle to his wife and kids. Fact. He isn't obligated to you. If he was with you and had to go home, he went. I highly doubt he would stay by your side, stay in bed with you when his wife needed him or if one of his kids were sick..

 

Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore as you said your A is over and it's not something you'd do again. Glad you learned from this experience.

 

 

Well...he wasn't my boyfriend and I didn't consider him as one. Ok, I certainly wasn't his number one priority but neither was he mine.

[pureinheart]

I feel like people really believe that in order to be ''the other woman'' you have to be somehow ''damaged'' or ''broken''. Basically, that it's impossible to get in that position as a healthy individual.

 

I grew up in a happy household, upper-middle class, parents in a loving marriage, close with my brother, well-adjusted, fairly popular kid, in addition to being quite confident and social.

 

And on the verge of turning 20, I found myself being the other woman without even thinking about it.

 

And now when I read around this board or when I read stuff online, I notice the underlying tones about mistresses being sad or broken women, screwed up in one way or another (I never used to notice this before, I only noticed the clear message about them being evil).

I was far from a sad woman, and it was far from some sad affair. So it makes me wonder, do you all believe that?

 

I believe that there are sad affairs, but I also believe that the notion of all of them being like that has been party at least, presented by the BS side because it's easier to think that the other woman was this marginalized pathetic creature.

 

Agreed on all points. In fact, the OW can have more going for her (and OM) than people think, and that could be why MM are attracted. Just like it isn't "always" the breakdown of the marriage that led to the affair. The OM/OW isn't as "brokendown" as others would choose to believe.

 

I'm really not sure how this thread became the "rights and wrongs" of affairs:confused:

[noelle303]

I'm curious to know exactly what she believes she learned from the experience. If she had actually learned something from it, she would have learned that she was indeed "broken" and "sad."

 

The fact that she doesn't feel that way at all, leads me to believe the learning experience she speaks about isn't what you think it is. Hence the probable personality disorder(s).

 

 

I learned how badly such a relationship can blow-up. As it did. Hence, I wouldn't do it again. The relationship with him wasn't ''sad'', it was great, the ending was bad.

 

But it can be so with any single guy. I dated a college guy in high school. Of course it ended pretty quick, learned from it, didn't do it again.

[dreamingoftigers]

Your response indicates your youth and your naivety. I think when you get older and have some life experience that you will look back with more seriousness on it. You also might have more regret for your part in it as you get older. Then again, maybe not.

 

I know that there are things that I did when young and naive that I wish I hadn't and I think about them from time to time with regret.

 

I think that this is more the case as well. As OP gets older and marries (most likely) it would become more apparent how the affair was both damaging and serious. As well as her being complicit in her hurting his family (participating in that hurt etc.)

 

I had an incredibly hard time when I was younger understanding how anyone could respect themselves and become involved with a married person. As I've gotten older and I have read more of these boards, I can see how those participating in affairs often have a limited realization of their own power to do hurt and responsibility to act appropriately in their sexual choices.

[SidLyon]

I feel like people really believe that in order to be ''the other woman'' you have to be somehow ''damaged'' or ''broken''. Basically, that it's impossible to get in that position as a healthy individual.

 

I grew up in a happy household, upper-middle class, parents in a loving marriage, close with my brother, well-adjusted, fairly popular kid, in addition to being quite confident and social.

 

And on the verge of turning 20, I found myself being the other woman without even thinking about it.

 

And now when I read around this board or when I read stuff online, I notice the underlying tones about mistresses being sad or broken women, screwed up in one way or another (I never used to notice this before, I only noticed the clear message about them being evil).

I was far from a sad woman, and it was far from some sad affair. So it makes me wonder, do you all believe that?

 

I believe that there are sad affairs, but I also believe that the notion of all of them being like that has been party at least, presented by the BS side because it's easier to think that the other woman was this marginalized pathetic creature.

 

I wonder what is the point of this thread?

 

I see a thinly disguised attack on BSs (bolded) as well as a statement that shows that this particular OW didn't give it much thought.

 

I remember when you came here Noelle. Maybe you weren't sad but you were in a very bad state.

 

Will you be telling your daughter about her father and how she came into being? Will you do the best you can to ensure that she gets to know her half-siblings so she can have the same sort of relationship with them growing up, that you had with your brother? Or aren't you thinking about that either. Maybe you've already decided that she won't have that opportunity because it's all to hard for you to facilitate. Maybe you've already decided that you are going to have to be dishonest with your daughter because the truth will hurt her too much.

 

I see and saw a very sad situation even if you don't/didn't.

[Quiet Storm]

In fact, the OW can have more going for her (and OM) than people think, and that could be why MM are attracted.

 

When men are looking for a wife, they care if she has a lot going for her.

 

If they are looking for an affair partner, they choose who they believe is the easiest target. They are looking for someone who won't mind being second, someone who doesn't respect marriage, someone that's easy influenced, someone that's going to play along.

 

Cheaters are sneaky liars. Cowards that won't face their issues. Ashamed of their actions, they hide their behavior, to avoid being judged.

 

They look for partners that are as damaged (or more so) than they are. A cheating man's top need (besides sex) is admiration. In order to get that need filled, they choose someone that they feel is beneath them, and they get lot of admiration and respect in this arrangement. It's all about ego. An emotionally healthy women won't admire or respect a cheating man, and he knows this. He targets someone that will look past his behavior, believe his BS and admire and look up to him.

 

Eventually, after they slowly realize that MM may be full of it, OW will stop admiring and respecting MM. Once this happens, the affair will often fizzle because OW has stop stroking MM's ego. He'll often move to a new affair partner, because he needs that admiration and respect.

 

Most MM would not want OW as a wife. Most men want their wives to be faithful to them. MM will think, if she cheated with me, will she cheat on me?

[MissBee]

I feel like people really believe that in order to be ''the other woman'' you have to be somehow ''damaged'' or ''broken''. Basically, that it's impossible to get in that position as a healthy individual.

 

I grew up in a happy household, upper-middle class, parents in a loving marriage, close with my brother, well-adjusted, fairly popular kid, in addition to being quite confident and social.

 

And on the verge of turning 20, I found myself being the other woman without even thinking about it.

 

And now when I read around this board or when I read stuff online, I notice the underlying tones about mistresses being sad or broken women, screwed up in one way or another (I never used to notice this before, I only noticed the clear message about them being evil).

I was far from a sad woman, and it was far from some sad affair. So it makes me wonder, do you all believe that?

 

I believe that there are sad affairs, but I also believe that the notion of all of them being like that has been party at least, presented by the BS side because it's easier to think that the other woman was this marginalized pathetic creature.

 

 

I think that the stereotype of brokenness is that it manifests itself in clear ways, as in you have no life, no friends, you are some mousy individual who cries all the time and so forth. Which is not true. Many people are broken who seem to have glamorous lives...celebrities for example, some often are broken but the lives we see them leading seem happy and well-adjusted and some would even be envious of it.

 

I also dislike the word broken . But I do believe that MOST people go through life with some issue, all of us do. Some are small and some are big and ALL our choices: who we date, who our friends are, who we marry etc all tell a story about us. The point of life is not that you should never have issues or that because you have a certain issue means you're "screwed up"....but how you work through and improve them. Being from a good family doesn't make you free of demons sadly. We all have demons and our interpersonal relationships often tell a very accurate story about how we see ourselves and our emotional landscape....even if we ourselves aren't aware of what the story is.

 

My affair was not "sad" in any obvious sense. I had a very busy life, friends, various activities even dated other people and so on....yet at the end of the day, the reason why I allowed myself to be involved with him and fall in love with a taken man and accept less than I wanted were for reasons I didn't even realize were problems until 4 years later. I went through the entire A not thinking anything was wrong per se...just that I "happened to fall in love with a taken guy". It was only as I grew and started seeing certain other patterns was when I realized no choice is a coincidence and there were issues of commitment phobia and emotional unavailability that lead me down that path. I don't consider myself "sad" or "screwed up"....I just realize that I indeed am not perfect and wasn't where I needed to be emotionally and no doubt my environment played a role in shaping that and it is up to me to reshape myself.

 

In short: if you are looking for the sign of a problem to be obvious or to look stereotypically pathetic, then you are not seeing the full picture and surely will miss a plethora of issues out there that do not come with neon signs. I do believe that most who choose to be in affairs choose it for reasons that are not really healthy and the problem IMO, is that most people are simply unaware. That is the crime. I too was unaware when I did it. It didn't register as something I needed to be introspective about. If upon introspection you continue to feel like it was just a coincidence or a healthy choice or no big deal to have an affair and nothing is awry with you....then okay (and even then that sometimes means nothing, as many people with issues are intelligent neurotics who feel nothing is wrong with them, although everyone else can see it plainly).

[PhoenixRise]

I feel like people really believe that in order to be ''the other woman'' you have to be somehow ''damaged'' or ''broken''. Basically, that it's impossible to get in that position as a healthy individual.

 

I grew up in a happy household, upper-middle class, parents in a loving marriage, close with my brother, well-adjusted, fairly popular kid, in addition to being quite confident and social.

 

And on the verge of turning 20, I found myself being the other woman without even thinking about it.

 

And now when I read around this board or when I read stuff online, I notice the underlying tones about mistresses being sad or broken women, screwed up in one way or another (I never used to notice this before, I only noticed the clear message about them being evil).

I was far from a sad woman, and it was far from some sad affair. So it makes me wonder, do you all believe that?

 

I believe that there are sad affairs, but I also believe that the notion of all of them being like that has been party at least, presented by the BS side because it's easier to think that the other woman was this marginalized pathetic creature.

 

 

When you consider that many women (on this forum in particular) who become OW state that they doing so went against their own morals and values it is not so unusual that they could be called broken or sad. Do you really think that going against your own values doesn't break you in some way?

 

Nobody is saying that once broken means forever broken. I'm not ashamed to say that I was broken for a time after dday.

 

In fact many of the OW who post here post about their sadness and their pain.They ARE sad people in often sad affairs. AND many of the OW who post here are trying to figure out why they were so broken, why they compromised their own values, why they accepted so little when they really wanted so much. They are trying to figure out where their brokenness comes from so they can move forward stronger in the future.

 

It is not some invention, hallucination, or projection of BS's needing to feel better about themselves that makes this so. It is what is seen on this forum everyday and it is what I have seen IRL. I don't know anyone above the age of 20 who has not been broken by something, at some point in their life. I don't know anyone who has not acted out in a destructive way at some point in their life, due in part to their brokenness.

[noelle303]

I wonder what is the point of this thread?

 

I see a thinly disguised attack on BSs (bolded) as well as a statement that shows that this particular OW didn't give it much thought.

 

I remember when you came here Noelle. Maybe you weren't sad but you were in a very bad state.

 

Will you be telling your daughter about her father and how she came into being? Will you do the best you can to ensure that she gets to know her half-siblings so she can have the same sort of relationship with them growing up, that you had with your brother? Or aren't you thinking about that either. Maybe you've already decided that she won't have that opportunity because it's all to hard for you to facilitate. Maybe you've already decided that you are going to have to be dishonest with your daughter because the truth will hurt her too much.

 

I see and saw a very sad situation even if you don't/didn't.

 

 

I will be as honest with my daughter as her age allows it. She is going to know how she came about in this world, and I won't have her or me be ashamed of that for one minute.

 

And no, she will not know her siblings, but will have other close relationships, other family members and other support systems around her. She is a very happy child and we live a very 'unbroken' life.

 

The point of the thread was not to bash BSs, it was to voice my opinion that so often on these boards people lump all affairs into the same pattern of sadness and despair. My relationship with xMM wasn't like that.

 

I don't want to get into moralities, because I can agree that being an active participant in a big deception was not morally my finest moment. However, I never felt marginalized as 'other woman', as I said, I was fully aware that I'm not his priority but he wasn't mine either.

[skylarblue]

I think that is somewhat true. In the literal sense of “broken” meaning “in need of repair”, I’ll say yes. I think an OW who engages in an A while believing it is wrong to do so is “broken” in that sense. Something is not working as it should whether it’s an esteem, naivety, empathy, judgment, etc/whatever factor. To continually engage in something that one thinks is wrong by their own free will, to me says something, but that doesn’t necessarily connote something bad. However, “broken” or “sad” (how a BS would mean it), I don’t think that’s the case of all or the majority of OW. “Sad” in the emotional sense, I think the majority of OW eventually get to that point.

[MissBee]

When you consider that many women (on this forum in particular) who become OW state that they doing so went against their own morals and values it is not so unusual that they could be called broken or sad. Do you really think that going against your own values doesn't break you in some way?

Nobody is saying that once broken means forever broken. I'm not ashamed to say that I was broken for a time after dday.

 

In fact many of the OW who post here post about their sadness and their pain.They ARE sad people in often sad affairs. AND many of the OW who post here are trying to figure out why they were so broken, why they compromised their own values, why they accepted so little when they really wanted so much. They are trying to figure out where their brokenness comes from so they can move forward stronger in the future.

 

It is not some invention, hallucination, or projection of BS's needing to feel better about themselves that makes this so. It is what is seen on this forum everyday and it is what I have seen IRL. I don't know anyone above the age of 20 who has not been broken by something, at some point in their life. I don't know anyone who has not acted out in a destructive way at some point in their life, due in part to their brokenness.

 

I particularly wanted to comment on the bolded...as I find it interesting that some people have an aversion to this notion. It is impossible to go through this life unscathed. Impossible. Don't know anyone who has done so. The very nature of living, our families whom we do not choose, other situations all in print on us, sometimes for better and other times worse. It is not a crime to have been broken at some point...the danger IMO is to live a life in which you believe you are above ever being broken or that you only make good choices and you never ever need to question yourself and why you do as you do. That is just a state of living in darkness and ignorant bliss I suppose.

 

Feeling fine doesn't mean one is fine...and certainly, I have a harder time believing OW on LS are fine....as I see little reason to be here if you are so splendid!

 

Two of my all time favorite quotes are: "The unexamined life is not worth living" - as well as "True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing." - Socrates. I love them because it calls people to an examination of themselves and their lives at all times and posits that one only learns when one realizes one doesn't know everything. That admittance at least allows space for growth. If however you already feel like "Nothing is wrong with me" or if you feel you know it all and never seek to examine.....then you have already succumbed to ignorance and there is no space for growth. I think many OW who espouse such ideas about being so happy and fine and they are doing no ill are those who frankly see a benefit in being unaware....the less you know the less you can claim responsibility and the more you can do as you please and not feel badly about it. So that makes sense to me....I think sometimes there is a fear present that if you start wondering about yourself, you will HAVE to do something different. You don't want to see what you find so you'd rather bury your head in the sand or construct a better story of being fine....even if what you actually do and say and your very presence on LS tells otherwise.

Edited February 27, 2012 by MissBee

[Spark1111]

I will be as honest with my daughter as her age allows it. She is going to know how she came about in this world, and I won't have her or me be ashamed of that for one minute.

 

And no, she will not know her siblings, but will have other close relationships, other family members and other support systems around her. She is a very happy child and we live a very 'unbroken' life.

 

The point of the thread was not to bash BSs, it was to voice my opinion that so often on these boards people lump all affairs into the same pattern of sadness and despair. My relationship with xMM wasn't like that.

 

I don't want to get into moralities, because I can agree that being an active participant in a big deception was not morally my finest moment. However, I never felt marginalized as 'other woman', as I said, I was fully aware that I'm not his priority but he wasn't mine either.

 

Oh no, affairs are exciting and fun.....and hugely destructive 97% of the time.

 

So what WAS your relationship about? You mentioned "fun."

 

What else? Was it just.....fun for fun's sake? You and he met to have fun?

 

How? What made it fun for you? What did you do?

[MissBee]

Speaking of fun....every time I hear a grown woman or man do something with serious consequences and backlash attached and their entire reasoning is that it was fun, red flags go off for me . It reminds me of teenagers...who are often times immature, with no real sense of anything in life other than being impulsive if it feels good and fun, with no serious forethought. Teens can do some VERY dumb things that ruin lives and all the while doing it, they truly were basing it on fun and frolic, and when it all comes tumbling down they are surprised. As a teen, it is dumb but acceptable in some ways. However, a grown person behaving like a teenager or using rationale suited to people in a whole other stage of life that they should have passed....that is an issue IMHO.

 

Adults can surely have fun....however, I think the nature of one's fun should still fall in the mature category i.e. you are not doing outlandish and potentially life-ruining things all because of what? Fun? When the potential cost of a behavior or action is greater than the benefits or the reason for doing it (fun)....but you still do it...then I do think something is off. In this case noelle, from what I am gathering, you became pregnant for the MM you were having fun with.....I'm sorry...but that was a VERY serious consequence and life-altering occurrence that to me "fun" does not begin to even cover. I know I am way more advanced in my reasoning than many my age, and hate the age card for that reason, as often what the normal person my age thinks and does, I do not think or do....but I just have to say that perhaps indeed with age, you will see things differently, as from what I gather of your older posts you may be closer to teen years than I initially thought.

Edited February 27, 2012 by MissBee

[noelle303]

 

How? What made it fun for you? What did you do?

 

 

You need me to define fun for you?

 

Ok, great sex, great conversations, great chemistry, complementing personalities all made for a good time. We went out together, did things we liked or sometimes spend an afternoon in bed.

 

His wife doesn't know to this day about it, and I certainly won't be the one telling her nor did I ever plan to.

 

 

Oh, and of course everyone has problems and 'life scars' but I'm talking about the notion that 'other women'' are more broken then your ordinary woman.

[Quiet Storm]

I don't want to get into moralities, because I can agree that being an active participant in a big deception was not morally my finest moment.

 

So how did you allow yourself to continue? Continuing to do something that you know is wrong, but making it okay somehow, is cognitive dissonance. If you never considered the wife and ignored her existence, you were in denial. If you pushed down feelings of guilt, you were compartmentalizing. All three of these are not healthy ways of coping and dealing with things.

 

It's not just about the end result, and how you are not sad and have good memories of the affair. What if the wife had found out and was devastated? What if his children found out and were hurt? It sounds like you are only concerned about your feelings, and don't consider how things you do can affect others.

 

In your case, the affair did not turn you into a crying, desperate, depressed woman. The affair did not RESULT in emotional issues for you. However, I would say that your emotional issues are what gave you permission to have the affair.

 

I would focus less on the fact that you have escaped the affair without damage, and consider why you made the choice to have the affair. Why didn't the feelings of his wife and kids matter to you? Did you really not care about them? If not, do you think that's okay? To just go through life, doing whatever feels good, not caring who it hurts. Or maybe you did care. Maybe you did know it was wrong, but pushed those thoughts away. Either way, it indicates emotional issues, IMO.

 

We have all had emotional issues at one point or another. Exploring the reasons why we made certain choices can help us make better ones in the future.

[Spark1111]

You need me to define fun for you?

 

Ok, great sex, great conversations, great chemistry, complementing personalities all made for a good time. We went out together, did things we liked or sometimes spend an afternoon in bed.

 

His wife doesn't know to this day about it, and I certainly won't be the one telling her nor did I ever plan to.

 

 

Oh, and of course everyone has problems and 'life scars' but I'm talking about the notion that 'other women'' are more broken then your ordinary woman.

 

Ok. I'm following you...so for you, it was worth it?