The ''sad'' other woman

[Lostinlife4now]

Needed to add.....

 

Noelle....I know it seems the ladies here are getting on your case...but they are not...they are sharing their mature knowledge, experiences, forethought, opinions, ideas so on so forth, they are all coming from different places in their lives. When you get to be my age (cough, cough)...you take peoples opinions with a grain of salt. I have experienced quite alot of different things in life...more than the average person..Believe me I could write 3 books..so when I say I know what I am talking about, I DO!!! I have had quite a few go arounds with very good life long girlfriends on different subjects, some good, some bad...but I voiced MY OPINION..and ya know what, those girlfriends are still in my life. And I always said if you don't like what I have to say...DON'T LISTEN! They rather me speak my mind than sitting in a corner sucking my thumb! Some people are angry, some are grateful, some are just downright self-righteous! But one thing I have learned in life...stand by your own convictions. Even if you are the only one standing alone and you feel something is right in your heart or mind...THEN STICK WITH IT....I learned that quite a few years ago. Not everyone in life is going to like you or you like everyone...So be it...That's why God made apples and oranges.

 

You need to grow a thick skin.....There will be alot harsher times in your life than anonymous posters on a board...UNDERSTAND????

[Lostinlife4now]

Needed to add.....

 

Noelle....I know it seems the ladies here are getting on your case...but they are not...they are sharing their mature knowledge, experiences, forethought, opinions, ideas so on so forth, they are all coming from different places in their lives. When you get to be my age (cough, cough)...you take peoples opinions with a grain of salt. I have experienced quite alot of different things in life...more than the average person..Believe me I could write 3 books..so when I say I know what I am talking about, I DO!!! I have had quite a few go arounds with very good life long girlfriends on different subjects, some good, some bad...but I voiced MY OPINION..and ya know what, those girlfriends are still in my life. And I always said if you don't like what I have to say...DON'T LISTEN! They rather me speak my mind than sitting in a corner sucking my thumb! Some people are angry, some are grateful, some are just downright self-righteous! But one thing I have learned in life...stand by your own convictions. Even if you are the only one standing alone and you feel something is right in your heart or mind...THEN STICK WITH IT....I learned that quite a few years ago. Not everyone in life is going to like you or you like everyone...So be it...That's why God made apples and oranges.

 

You need to grow a thick skin.....There will be alot harsher times in your life than anonymous posters on a board...UNDERSTAND????

 

All women get defensive..It is in our DNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Lostinlife4now]

It is definitely risky. I wonder if it is common for 19 year old women take that risk (no condoms in non-monogamous, non-tested relationships).

 

Noelle, I hope you have changed your thinking on this decision. Pregnancy is hardly the worst thing that can happen.

 

And now I'm wondering about the man's wife, and if he is having unprotected sex with her....and how many other women What kind of man has so little regard for the health of his childrens' mother

 

Men don't like condoms!

[xxoo]

Men don't like condoms!

 

Nobody likes condoms.

 

Still, they are often necessary.

 

Noelle is still young. I hope she will insist on them, unless in a monogamous relationship. She has a child to stay healthy for.

[Lostinlife4now]

Nobody likes condoms.

 

Still, they are often necessary.

 

Noelle is still young. I hope she will insist on them, unless in a monogamous relationship. She has a child to stay healthy for.

 

 

Yeah...a necessary evil!!!!!!!!

[bentnotbroken]

All women get defensive..It is in our DNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

And all this time I thought I was a woman:lmao::lmao:Glad to know I am not. Wonder how my kids will feel about this:eek:

[Lostinlife4now]

And all this time I thought I was a woman:lmao::lmao:Glad to know I am not. Wonder how my kids will feel about this:eek:

 

 

Bent...don't know which gender you are! Wasn't really thinking about that!

I was referring to WOMEN in general! If you are a man...I do apologize!!!!

[bentnotbroken]

Bent...don't know which gender you are! Wasn't really thinking about that!

I was referring to WOMEN in general! If you are a man...I do apologize!!!!

 

 

I know you ment generally, I am abbynormal so I found it funny.

[Lostinlife4now]

I know you ment generally, I am abbynormal so I found it funny.

 

 

Sorry....are you transgender? Didn't mean to offend.....

[dreamingoftigers]

So what is it that makes a so called "ordinary" woman run for the hills when approached by ANY MM, and an "other woman" move forward with an affair?

 

I kind of wanted to address this I guess.

 

I have NEVER been an OW and I seriously doubt that I ever will be.

 

I think that a heavy stigma towards cheating was put in place when I was a child. It was something shocking and disturbing and unhealthy and I was never exposed to it via experience from my parents. (until I was 27, my father had an affair, then it turned out that my mother had cheated on him while they were dating 3 times).

 

My grandfather had left my grandmother for another woman some time ago and they did not speak in flattering terms about her.

 

I grew up believing that cheating was rather rare and deviant. Married men that would fool around on their wives were disrespectful, predatory, perverse and altogether even dangerous.

 

The women that bought their stories were idiots.

 

I don't hold quite so much a myopic view on it anymore but I do see it as a very unhealthy thing.

 

I would literally feel a sick feeling in my stomach when I would see examples of cheating on tv. I would feel that they were idiots.

 

If I heard that someone was married, I didn't develop crush feelings etc for them. When I was 16, I developed a crush on my art teacher. No I didn't think that we were going to run away together and paint or anything. But I would fantasize. He didn't wear a ring. One class he mentioned his wife: I felt so so ashamed and guilty.

 

He wasn't attractive at all after that. I actually liked that about myself that I would never be the type to disrupt another's relationship.

 

I strongly believe that relationships should stand or fall on their own merits: and not because of the interference of others.

 

I think it's a sad twist that I married a sexual addict. But such is life.

 

I think ow are more (in general) conditioned to follow the "if it's feels right, it probably is" mantra. To them if it feels right + MM is telling you it is all right, then it's on!

[bentnotbroken]

Sorry....are you transgender? Didn't mean to offend.....

:lmao::lmao:No, not as far as I know. My birth certificate says I am female....I think I will stick with that for now. You never know what the next half of my life will bring. :laugh:

[Lostinlife4now]

:lmao::lmao:No, not as far as I know. My birth certificate says I am female....I think I will stick with that for now. You never know what the next half of my life will bring. :laugh:

 

 

Oh my bent....you are too funny! Thanks for making me laugh!!!!!

[MissBee]

I kind of wanted to address this I guess.

 

I have NEVER been an OW and I seriously doubt that I ever will be.

 

I think that a heavy stigma towards cheating was put in place when I was a child. It was something shocking and disturbing and unhealthy and I was never exposed to it via experience from my parents. (until I was 27, my father had an affair, then it turned out that my mother had cheated on him while they were dating 3 times).

 

My grandfather had left my grandmother for another woman some time ago and they did not speak in flattering terms about her.

 

I grew up believing that cheating was rather rare and deviant. Married men that would fool around on their wives were disrespectful, predatory, perverse and altogether even dangerous.

 

The women that bought their stories were idiots.

 

I don't hold quite so much a myopic view on it anymore but I do see it as a very unhealthy thing.

 

I would literally feel a sick feeling in my stomach when I would see examples of cheating on tv. I would feel that they were idiots.

 

If I heard that someone was married, I didn't develop crush feelings etc for them. When I was 16, I developed a crush on my art teacher. No I didn't think that we were going to run away together and paint or anything. But I would fantasize. He didn't wear a ring. One class he mentioned his wife: I felt so so ashamed and guilty.

 

He wasn't attractive at all after that. I actually liked that about myself that I would never be the type to disrupt another's relationship.

 

I strongly believe that relationships should stand or fall on their own merits: and not because of the interference of others.

 

I think it's a sad twist that I married a sexual addict. But such is life.

 

I think ow are more (in general) conditioned to follow the "if it's feels right, it probably is" mantra. To them if it feels right + MM is telling you it is all right, then it's on!

 

Thanks for sharing!

 

As for the bolded....I agree. For me personally, that was how it was when I was the OW as well as another time I messed aorund with a guy who had a gf..smh. My thoughts about the latter were especially flippant since I was not emotionally attached to him.

 

My thinking was self-absorbed, impulsive and came from a place that I don't identify with anymore. I think I, like so many others, WANTED it to be okay so we make ourselves more susceptible to suggestion. It's like hypnosis, you can't be hypnotized unless you give the green light and open yourself up to suggestion. It becomes easier for a MM to woo you, easier for you to see what you want to see and not what you don't etc...you become the one who opens yourself up to this though. I don't know...it's like you tgake some type of imaginary tequila shot after shot to cloud your judgment, let down your defenses and let the A roll. But often there is the inevitable hangover..but as we also know, even after the horrible hangover and swearing never to drink again....some people still do and forget that any of that mess happened.

[dreamingoftigers]

Noelle,

 

I remember reading your thread when you were pregnant.

 

I remember reading about the struggle in your decision of whether or not to keep the baby.

 

It may not mean anything: I think it took a lot of courage to keep your child in spite of the pressure of the mm and the obstacles you would have to face. Including her not having her bio-Dad in her life that would care for her.

 

I'm sure she is an amazing blessing to you.

[noelle303]

I was surprised you described it as "dragging an OW into our home" too since previously you had said you found that part fun. Maybe this is a bit of change in your feelings about sneaking around in the home of a MM and his unsuspecting BW?

 

 

To be frank, it's just a term I typed out. I wouldn't be ok with it of course, if one day I do get married, as every other person entering into marriage I don't want a dishonest relationship or a husband who is missing something.

 

My thinking was self-absorbed, impulsive

As was mine.

 

Noelle,

 

I remember reading your thread when you were pregnant.

 

I remember reading about the struggle in your decision of whether or not to keep the baby.

 

It may not mean anything: I think it took a lot of courage to keep your child in spite of the pressure of the mm and the obstacles you would have to face. Including her not having her bio-Dad in her life that would care for her.

 

I'm sure she is an amazing blessing to you.

Thank you. She is everything to me. As I said, I can take other people's opinions, and my skin pretty much can't be thicker at this point but when people even suggest me having an iota of regret when it comes to the life I live now with my daughter, I pretty much get smoke coming out of my ears.

[MissBee]

To be frank, it's just a term I typed out. I wouldn't be ok with it of course, if one day I do get married, as every other person entering into marriage I don't want a dishonest relationship or a husband who is missing something.

 

As was mine.

 

Thank you. She is everything to me. As I said, I can take other people's opinions, and my skin pretty much can't be thicker at this point but when people even suggest me having an iota of regret when it comes to the life I live now with my daughter, I pretty much get smoke coming out of my ears.

 

 

Hey Noelle,

 

Just wanting to get some clarification. You agreed with me that your thinking was self-absorbed and impulsive, like mine was. But the operative word for me is was, all this was at the time and not now. I would not go back and do any of what I did before, as now I'm in a different place and I just view it so much differently. Pretty much I don't see it as neutral or good but more in a negative light and one of my less than shining moments.

 

For most of the thread you've said you had fun and don't regret it...so are you still saying that although you realize your behavior was self-absorbed and impulsive, it still was not a bad choice and you'd do it again? Also, I am not talking about having regret about your daughter, just the principle of the entire matter of an A with this man.Wasn't too sure what you meant so wanted to know if what you are saying now is different than before.

 

Thanks!

[jwi71]

To be frank, it's just a term I typed out. I wouldn't be ok with it of course, if one day I do get married, as every other person entering into marriage I don't want a dishonest relationship or a husband who is missing something.

 

As was mine.

 

Thank you. She is everything to me. As I said, I can take other people's opinions, and my skin pretty much can't be thicker at this point but when people even suggest me having an iota of regret when it comes to the life I live now with my daughter, I pretty much get smoke coming out of my ears.

 

What will you tell a potential bf as to who and where her father is?

 

Having dated single mother's before, questions I wanted to know was: where's the father? Is he going to be an issue (for us)?

 

What will you tell him?

 

Just wondering if you've given any thought to that.

 

And I think you are vastly underestimating this (about her father to her). I also know there is no way you will listen so I won't get on a soap box but this WILL be an issue...she WILL have FAR more questions than you realize. And sooner than you expect as well. My suggestion is for you and your circle (family and close friends) to have your story, whatever it is, settled now - because your daughter will them the same question she asks YOU and if the answers don't align...there's gonna be issues.

[jaloka]

For me it's matter of convenience. We are both fulfilling a need and both benefiting, physical relationship without all the drama of a relationship. We live in the moment and go back to our lives. I am a single parent, busy with my career and child. I like my life, it's a full-time job taking are of my daughter and I. I was married, my xH was like a child. I love the freedom and being able to do whatever whenever. so I am very happy OW.

 

And yes I am pregnant with MM's child. I reconnected with MM after I broke things off with my fiancé. MM set up a separate fund for the baby which I can use now or later down the road for college.

 

I gave my xfinance the choice to be in our lives or not. I told him I went to a sperm bank because he didn't want a child. I am 40ish and running out of time. He respected that reason and is mulling it over. After freaking out, i decided that I am totally cool to do it on my own.

 

Different strokes for different folks.

[NoIDidn't]

Good question for an actual OP and someone who is doing that. I was not talking about myself. I'm really confused how you thought that I was.

 

Apologies, Ms Red.

 

I was only using your words, not stating that you actually felt that way.

 

And it was meant for "an actual OP".

 

Again, sorry for the confusion.

[MissBee]

For me it's matter of convenience. We are both fulfilling a need and both benefiting, physical relationship without all the drama of a relationship. We live in the moment and go back to our lives. I am a single parent, busy with my career and child. I like my life, it's a full-time job taking are of my daughter and I. I was married, my xH was like a child. I love the freedom and being able to do whatever whenever. so I am very happy OW.

 

And yes I am pregnant with MM's child. I reconnected with MM after I broke things off with my fiancé. MM set up a separate fund for the baby which I can use now or later down the road for college.

I gave my xfinance the choice to be in our lives or not. I told him I went to a sperm bank because he didn't want a child. I am 40ish and running out of time. He respected that reason and is mulling it over. After freaking out, i decided that I am totally cool to do it on my own.

 

Different strokes for different folks.

 

One can point out several issues in your characterization of what you're doing....

 

The fact that you feel having an affair and being pregnant with your MM's baby whom you are going to pass off on your ex fiance is all the "benefits" without drama says a lot

 

I have no idea what you consider drama...but that would be right up there on my list personally. What is the drama of a real relationship? Real intimacy and real emotions.....which many who have As avoid, where they want the fringe benefits of a relationship without the real work...that is an issue. Worse yet, those who do so often end up in even bigger prediucaments: like being pregnant for their MM or having some dday and ongoing drama with the BS...so all that to avoid the supposed drama in real relationships didn't even work....

 

Do you really believe if you had a REAL relationship your life would be much worse off and more drama-filled than it is now? Do you feel like "Wow...good thing I had this A....saved me so much drama! " ?

 

Just say you don't want to invest and do the real work of a real relationship and get hurt...say you fear abandonment, heartbreak, rejection....because if you feared drama you would not be in a relationship with a MM or have unprotected sex with one. Sorry. It doesn't make sense. There is no way that on one side of the fence there is drama and the other is drama free and the option to date a MM is the drama free side...what?! That makes absolutely zero sense. You clearly fooled yourself there and so have many other women before you. As you are still for all intents and purposes in drama...of the Jerry Springer variety. The regular ups and downs of a real relationship are less dramatic than this...but again, I think people use the fear of really being emotionally open and vulnerable and what that entails and call it "drama" and think relationships that do not require that 2 feet in, emotional openness and commitment are drama-free.....but evidently....they are not.

 

I see issues, issues, and more issues. No one thus far, especially not your or noelle's example convinces me that "convenience" isn't a code word for some issue that allows one to really get themselves into such a situation and after it all still want to say it is drama free and fun.

Edited March 4, 2012 by MissBee

[alexandria35]

For me it's matter of convenience. We are both fulfilling a need and both benefiting, physical relationship without all the drama of a relationship. We live in the moment and go back to our lives. I am a single parent, busy with my career and child. I like my life, it's a full-time job taking are of my daughter and I. I was married, my xH was like a child. I love the freedom and being able to do whatever whenever. so I am very happy OW.

 

And yes I am pregnant with MM's child. I reconnected with MM after I broke things off with my fiancé. MM set up a separate fund for the baby which I can use now or later down the road for college.

 

I gave my xfinance the choice to be in our lives or not. I told him I went to a sperm bank because he didn't want a child. I am 40ish and running out of time. He respected that reason and is mulling it over. After freaking out, i decided that I am totally cool to do it on my own.

 

Different strokes for different folks.

 

This doesn't even make sense. First of all you say you're happy being the OW because you don't like the drama of a real relationship. Then you say you're waiting on your xf to decide if he wants to continue his relationship with you. Which is it? You don't want a real relationship or you do? If you don't want a real relationship then when are going to stop playing your silly mindf**k games with the xf?

[noelle303]

Hey Noelle,

 

Just wanting to get some clarification. You agreed with me that your thinking was self-absorbed and impulsive, like mine was. But the operative word for me is was, all this was at the time and not now. I would not go back and do any of what I did before, as now I'm in a different place and I just view it so much differently. Pretty much I don't see it as neutral or good but more in a negative light and one of my less than shining moments.

 

For most of the thread you've said you had fun and don't regret it...so are you still saying that although you realize your behavior was self-absorbed and impulsive, it still was not a bad choice and you'd do it again? Also, I am not talking about having regret about your daughter, just the principle of the entire matter of an A with this man.Wasn't too sure what you meant so wanted to know if what you are saying now is different than before.

 

Thanks!

 

I will not repeat getting involved with a MM. Things have changed in my life and I can't afford to think selfishly and act impulsively.

 

Do I regret this particular affair? No, I do not.

 

 

What will you tell a potential bf as to who and where her father is?

 

Having dated single mother's before, questions I wanted to know was: where's the father? Is he going to be an issue (for us)?

 

What will you tell him?

 

Just wondering if you've given any thought to that.

 

 

 

Yes, if I end up in a relationship that I see going serious, I will be honest. I actually dated a guy since having my daughter, but it was more casual so I didn't end up telling him.

[leftfordead2]

I will not repeat getting involved with a MM. Things have changed in my life and I can't afford to think selfishly and act impulsively.

 

Do I regret this particular affair? No, I do not.

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, if I end up in a relationship that I see going serious, I will be honest. I actually dated a guy since having my daughter, but it was more casual so I didn't end up telling him.

 

 

The bolded part just contradicted your first paragraph. You are still thinking selfishly and denying your child of a complete family.

[woinlove]

What's different for me, is that I changed. Lots of things happen in our lives that we have little control over. Things change, and they can change again. But our values and how we choose to treat others is under our own control.

[beenburned]

jal,

I'm interested to know how the MM set up a fund for your baby without his wife finding out!(especially if it was a large sum)