The ''sad'' other woman

[donnamaybe]

This takes on a whole new image.

 

I know, huh?

[frozensprouts]

So do you cry over bullied children even though you don't know them? You sit there after reading an article and reflect for 5 minutes how badly you feel? Sorry but I don't do that. I read a story and move on to the next; it's the truth.

 

I probably do have NPD but I don't see what's wrong with it. I'm vain; I know that much. I would care about a guy if he was really hot and if I had a crush on him. I don't care about random people in the world though.

 

see , there's the thing...

most people feel emapthy when they hear about something bad happening to someone else, not because it affects them, but because they are able to put themsleves in the place of the person who's hurting and realize how painful it must be for them. This doesn't always mean they act, but they are able to "feel" the pain of others. You don't seem to be able to do that, and honestly seem to have little understanding of those that do.

 

you seem to care about others only in term of their value to you

[Radagast]

I feel like people really believe that in order to be ''the other woman'' you have to be somehow ''damaged'' or ''broken''. Basically, that it's impossible to get in that position as a healthy individual.

 

I was attracted to my wife because she was so healthy emotionally. I had spent years trying to fix "broken" in my marriage and found her groundedness, warmth, sanity and positivity refreshing. She was unafraid to walk her own path and that was far more attractive to me than someone who merely followed the herd.

[NoIDidn't]

All of the family members that I have seen become the OW have been emotionally harmed by their upbringing or other choices in their lives. I think you are making the mistake of thinking that people somehow fault the OW for her "brokenness". I don't think that's the case at all.

 

But I do believe, like the others do, that in order to be the OW something inside is off kilter OR that the person is incredibly naive to think that an affair is "just harmless fun". Neither is easy to get over (being naive or broken).

 

And just because someone comes from a two-parent family doesn't automatically make them well-adjusted. So many children in the families where the MM in these threads are harmed by this. Having two parents never made things perfect, some just think its "ideal" for financial and emotional reasons.

 

And because infidelity and wasting ones life being the OW seems to run in my family, I have to agree with whoever said it was some kind of "compulsion" to repeat such foolish behaviors. Even when the person grew up seeing the unhappiness and pain it brought their loved ones.

[Mutant Debutante]

I will never get married and never be a OW, not because I feel it is wrong to be a OW but because it's too much work and I can't be bothered.

 

I am not young (in my thirties) but I don't find it "morally" wrong to have sex with a married man. I never felt that it goes against my morals and values. I've never done it; I just don't feel that it's so wrong.

 

I guess I'm a cold person; I don't care about the feelings of others and am not responsible for their feelings. As long as I don't break the law (and therefore end up hurting only myself), I don't feel that we owe kindness or empathy for strangers. Other's people's happiness and families aren't my concern.

 

I am not even talking about affairs; I just mean in general in ANY life situation. Like if something bad were to happen to a stranger I wouldn't feel bad because it doesn't concern me. I also don't feel bad if I hurt someone's feelings by putting them down etc.

 

You have to realize that everyone has different morals and values. A lot of things that people feel wrong I don't. The only laws I feel I have to follow are legal ones.

 

Yeah, so the whole "Breals has NPD" convo was way off-track, except for this one part: she's the logical conclusion of Noelle's own posts, where she talks about not having empathy for the wife of her MM because the marriage was not her problem.

 

Breals is just a little further down that road, Noelle, so I'd actually be kind of curious how you reacted to all her posts. My guess is you'd like to think she's totally different from you? But maybe I"m wrong and you're nodding along with her.

[Owl]

I find the premise of this thread entertaining.

 

No...not all OW are "broken". Or "sad".

 

The OP repeatedly stated how much "fun" the affair was.

 

And repeatedly indicated that she refused to accept any blame or responsibility for the fact that the MM she was with was cheating on his wife. Does that mean that it didn't matter that it was with you? That if you hadn't been there...any other woman would have been a perfectly acceptable substitute for him at that moment?

 

That he basically cheated so he could get some fun on the side, but the relationship was irrelevent?

 

Or...did you matter? Was the relationship WITH YOU part of the factor that led him to cheat on his wife...and therefore demonstrate that YOU were indeed partially responsible for his choice to cheat? If he cheated BECAUSE it was you...then you have some responsibility for that choice. If he cheated but it wouldn't have mattered if it were you or someone else off the street...then perhaps you weren't responsible, but I can't imagine how wonderful that interaction really could have been.

 

See, fun is EASY when there's no responsibility. Kids playing demonstrate this all the time. But...if you have to admit to being responsible for how your actions and choices can hurt others...fun in that context becomes a little harder to maintain.

 

"It's all fun and games til someone loses an eye.".

[NoIDidn't]

See, fun is EASY when there's no responsibility. Kids playing demonstrate this all the time. But...if you have to admit to being responsible for how your actions and choices can hurt others...fun in that context becomes a little harder to maintain.

 

"It's all fun and games til someone loses an eye.".

 

Or gets pregnant.

[Spark1111]

Or gets pregnant.

 

....and has to justify it.

[donnamaybe]

Also how do you rationalize that someone who threatened to cut your baby out of you was fun?

OMG, that is sickening and HORRIFYING!

[noelle303]

And.........why now? It's been quite a while.

 

Also how do you rationalize that someone who threatened to cut your baby out of you was fun?

 

Doesn't compute for me.

 

I'm sorry, did I not REPEATEDLY say that our ending was bad? I admit that when the situation got complicated he got abusive.

But seriously, if you think such situations are limited only to affairs, you are deluded. Deadbeat dads are all over the place sadly, there are many cases where they've gone off the rails after confronted with a possible pregnancy.

 

And I'm not justifying anything. I was just reading the boards a little more these past weeks and noticed an impression I disagree with. I just don't like people talking about what I AM like.

 

I can reflect on the relationship we had and say it was a good time until it was bad. Thats it. I got a beautiful daughter from it who is my world and who I'll protect to the grave.

 

And for those who asked, I am willing to accept that my daughter will one day be a teenager/a young adult/a-not-so-young-adult and will make her own decisions. I will be there for her for any outcome these decisions may have. Just like my parents were there for me.

 

 

By the way, I'm not going to compare myself to the troll in this thread.

[juliebean2012]

I think people get lonely, and sometimes they cannot help how they feel about a person. I often felt like the other woman even if that person was not together with their ex but maybe still somehow sexually involved with that ex. I've been with people who are not emotionally available even if they are not married or not in a serious relationship.

 

I also was with my ex fiance while he was separated from his wife. I regret it, but I think loneliness is the cause and no one should judge, but I don't ever want to do it again. My issue is that it's hard to find someone who is single and available that I actually have feelings for.

[MissBee]

I think people get lonely, and sometimes they cannot help how they feel about a person. I often felt like the other woman even if that person was not together with their ex but maybe still somehow sexually involved with that ex. I've been with people who are not emotionally available even if they are not married or not in a serious relationship.

 

I also was with my ex fiance while he was separated from his wife. I regret it, but I think loneliness is the cause and no one should judge, but I don't ever want to do it again. My issue is that it's hard to find someone who is single and available that I actually have feelings for.

 

Jullie..people cannot help how they feel but they can help how they act. You being with emotionally unavailable men, no matter if they are single, because you are lonely and you only have feelings for unavailable men confirms what most have said...i.e. usually some issue leads to people feeling like such situations are their only options or a great option of all the options that exist in the world. I have had a similar experience to you before, but realize it is not normal or healthy and I can change my views and myself so it is not like that anymore...versus resigning myself to the fact that I'm lonely and "can't help it".

[woinlove]

I'm sorry, did I not REPEATEDLY say that our ending was bad? I admit that when the situation got complicated he got abusive.

But seriously, if you think such situations are limited only to affairs, you are deluded. Deadbeat dads are all over the place sadly, there are many cases where they've gone off the rails after confronted with a possible pregnancy.

 

And I'm not justifying anything. I was just reading the boards a little more these past weeks and noticed an impression I disagree with. I just don't like people talking about what I AM like.

 

I can reflect on the relationship we had and say it was a good time until it was bad. Thats it. I got a beautiful daughter from it who is my world and who I'll protect to the grave.

 

And for those who asked, I am willing to accept that my daughter will one day be a teenager/a young adult/a-not-so-young-adult and will make her own decisions. I will be there for her for any outcome these decisions may have. Just like my parents were there for me.

 

 

By the way, I'm not going to compare myself to the troll in this thread.

 

Re the bolded, if anyone implied that affairs are the only situation that reflects some kind of sadness or brokenness, I missed it. The vast majority of fathers are not deadbeat fathers who went off the rails when confronted with pregnancy and while such cases are not confined to affairs, it is a fairly common occurrence when an affair results in pregnancy.

 

When one is debating whether affairs reflect something negative, sometimes those defending them will say negative things can happen in other situations too, but this doesn't refute the fact that affairs reflect something negative. Here, your point of deadbeat dads in other situations doesn't refute the idea of a sadness or brokenness in OW or that a MM is much more likely to be a deadbeat father to a child outside his marriage.

[despicableME]

I don't think people are broke, or must be broken to initiate an affair. I do feel that there is a sense of entitlement toward an affair- to be happy and fulfilled.

 

So, no... I don't think you were a broken person.

 

One observation, though. I don't mean to step on your toes, but as soon as you found yourself in a pickle, you ran back to mommy and daddy for support, instead of putting on your "big girl panties" and dealing with the fallout like an adult. By this, I mean holding people responsible for their actions- including OM, whatever his fate might have been.

 

I realize your "daddy" means well, but his advice is only putting-off the inevitable: your daughter's eventual questioning regarding her father.

 

 

I also went back and read your previous threads, and I gotta say- WOW!

 

For a guy who treated you like a POS after finding out you were pregnant, you really seem to admire his lust for you.

 

You're clearly romanticising the initial stages of the affair. He didn't just change overnight... he's always been a POS OM. The only difference is, he was getting into your pants without any consequences before. Now that the ***** hit the fan(your pregnancy), his true colors come to light.

Edited February 29, 2012 by despicableME

[noelle303]

can we get back on topic and stop letting someone's views get people all spun up?

 

noelle, you started this thread with a sweeping generalization about how

 

 

 

no one said all ow are sad or evil. you seem to be projecting; maybe you actually feel screwed up or evil?

treating others with decency is something i would hope your parents taught you; maybe they didn't? i hope you teach your daughter to not sleep with married men, not to be self centered and to not think she is superior to anyone because she got a married dude into bed.

 

and for your sake, i hope she is never the bs in a marriage where her hubby is off screwing someone in her house and making a mockery of their marriage. if that happens, and she realizes you were just like that ow, she may decide she wants nothing to do with you; especially if you have the attitude then that you have now, of how you had fun and that is all that matters.

 

how will you feel if your daughter is teased, bullied and harassed at school and the kids who were targeting her said they did it cause it was fun and so what if it hurt her feelings? as a mother, you will want to scratch their eyes out, but you will have to come to terms with you behaved no different than they did.

 

just food for thought.

 

1) You know, I seriously don't think either of myself. As I said, the impression I'm getting from reading this board seems to be rather one-dimensional and it focuses on OW being sad and having no confidence. And the replies to my thread pretty much confirm that this is the general belief, what with people analyzing me and telling me what I am like and what this relationship was like.

Do I think that it is self-centered that in that moment I was just focused on me having fun, rather then being an active participant in a deception? Yes, I acted selfishly, 19 year old girls sometimes do that.

But if my daughter one day ends up cheated on, I hope she will have learned to distribute the guilt to the one person who promised to forsake all others but didn't deliver on that promise.

 

2) My parents not only taught me decency, but also provided shining examples of it. Do you think that they wanted to hear that their only daughter was an OW? But they've shown me nothing but support, helped me and when I told them there was not a trace of judgement. That is exactly what my daughter can expect from me, I will be there for her always, even for her not-so-moral decisions.

 

And the bullying comparison are apples and oranges.

 

P.S. I never considered myself superior for landing a married man.

 

I don't think people are broke, or must be broken to initiate an affair. I do feel that there is a sense of entitlement toward an affair- to be happy and fulfilled.

 

So, no... I don't think you were a broken person.

 

One observation, though. I don't mean to step on your toes, but as soon as you found yourself in a pickle, you ran back to mommy and daddy for support, instead of putting on your "big girl panties" and dealing with the fallout like an adult. By this, I mean holding people responsible for their actions- including OM, whatever his fate might have been.

 

I realize your "daddy" means well, but his advice is only putting-off the inevitable: your daughter's eventual questioning regarding her father.

 

 

I also went back and read your previous threads, and I gotta say- WOW!

 

For a guy who treated you like a POS after finding out you were pregnant, you really seem to admire his lust for you.

 

You're clearly romanticising the initial stages of the affair. He didn't just change overnight... he's always been a POS OM. The only difference is, he was getting into your pants without any consequences before. Now that the ***** hit the fan(your pregnancy), his true colors come to light.

 

1) Ran to them? I went and told them I was pregnant because I'm sure they would have noticed that I'm popping out a kid in nine months. And my dad is a lawyer, don't tell me you wouldn't have seek some kind of legal advice in my situation, especially when it's so close to you.

 

As far as holding him responsible - I can't force someone to be a father. I can take money from his bank account every month, but no thanks. I'm going to answer questions that my daughter has about her father and while it is saddening for me as her mother that she won't know her dad, she is surrounded by many positive male influences. Even if I did as you say ''hold him responsible'', it wouldn't mean that he would want to be in her life or that she would one day have any less questions.

And I would never go to his wife. As I said, my belief is that the dishonesty in his marriage is his business.

 

2) Admire his lust? Nope, I already talked about our affair. We hit it off pretty well and enjoyed each others company. I don't romanticize, I did truly enjoyed the beginning. Whether he was a POS from the beginning I wouldn't know, he never acted like one until the end. It was a complete 180 in his personality.

 

Seriously noelle.......a man that threatened to cut out your baby! How could you look back at any of it and call it fun?? To me the ending would negate any fun you might have had with him. I can't wrap my head around your thinking regarding how you don't hate the man and that one thing alone makes most of us want to puke and you think the rest of us are screwed up?? Really???

Never said anybody was screwed up?

 

And yes, I can look back on the affair and the ending of it as two different situations. I'm sorry, but I can... he was a completely different man when it comes to those two things and they were in such stark contrast that I do look at them as two different things.

I never said I don't have negative feelings for him now based on his behavior, I've actually posted several threads where I talk about what a jerk he is. But I can look back on the affair itself and say we had a great time together.

Edited February 29, 2012 by noelle303

[donnamaybe]

Oh, he was the same "man" from the beginning of the A - the "fun" times - right through to the part where he threatened to force an abortion by committing murder and mutilating you. He was just a skilled manipulator and portrayed the guy that was necessary to get you in the sack. How quickly the facade slips away when reality intrudes.

[xxoo]

Whether he was a POS from the beginning I wouldn't know, he never acted like one until the end. It was a complete 180 in his personality.

 

He was cheating on his wife. Can you see now how that hints at his POS side, even if he is very charming and lots of fun?

 

When things got tough in the marriage, he looked out for his needs. Is that a 180, or consistent with how he handled it when things got tough in your relationship?

 

As for being only 19....damn. Yes, 19 year olds make a lot of poor relationship choices. I am very glad to hear that your parents have been supportive, and wish you and your child the best.

[alexandria35]

He was always a jerk Noelle. Even at the beginning when you thought he was so fun and charming, he was a jerk who was lying and cheating on the mother of his 2 little boys. Don't you see that? He wasn't ever 2 different people. When he was out enjoying his little affair with you and you thought he was wonderful, his wife was probably at home, dealing with her 2 little boys all by herself and wondering how she ended up with such a jerk for a husband. If you can't understand that then it really speaks to how young and immature you still are. You are still self centered in that childish way where you can't see outside of your immediate little world.

 

By reading some of the posts here I get the impression that you parents help you a lot and that you kind of respect their opinions. So tell me Noelle, do you say the same things to them that you say here? Do you tell them that your affair was great and worth it because "hey it was really fun!". Do they share your view that being the other woman is okay because your not the one who was cheating and married? Do they honestly believe that if Noelle is presented with the opportunity to have some fun, she should take it, no matter who gets hurt? Do they agree with you that MM was really great guy right up until the moment he found out you were pregnant?

 

Of course your parents love you and support you. I suspect that they are viewing this situation as one where their young sweet innocent daughter fell prey to an evil older man who took advantage of her. I also suspect you are more than happy to have them see it that way and that you would never be so glib and flip about sleeping with a married man while speaking to your parents. I hardly think they would be giving you high fives for going out and having "fun" with a married man. At least not if they are the shining examples of decency that you say they are. I'm sure they love you and their grandchild. I'm sure they are very proud of both of you. I don't think they would agree with what you have to say on this board.

[xxoo]

Noelle, if you can't see the clear signs that someone is a bad pick, you'll end up repeating bad relationship patterns.

 

A 30 year old married guy, with little kids, hitting on a 20 year old single woman like it is all a bunch of fun....that's a sign. He's no good. He does not treat his wife well. Why would he treat you any better? (he was probably charming and fun when they met, too!)

 

Keep your eyes wide open!

 

Bringing it back to the topic, not all 19/20 year old women would fall for the charms of that guy. Many would cringe, and immediately put him in "creep" category. So the question is, why were you charmed by a man that other peers would consider a creep?

[PhoenixRise]

Noelle

 

I went back to read your initial posts here on LS and I am curious.

 

Why do YOU think you got involved with a MM?

 

Why do you think you enjoyed the sneaking around aspect of it (even at his house)?

 

Why do you think that even though you say the mention of his wife should have been a big red light it didn't really strike you that way?

 

Why do you think you decided to deal with your anxiety over discovering you were pregnant by drinking?

 

You say you were not broken or sad when you got involved in your affair so I am wondering what DID drive your decision making at the time.

[Stellar Wench]

I was just reading the boards a little more these past weeks and noticed an impression I disagree with.

Like most teenagers, you should probably spend more time tending to your responsibilities and less time on the internet.

[MissBee]

Noelle, if you can't see the clear signs that someone is a bad pick, you'll end up repeating bad relationship patterns.

 

A 30 year old married guy, with little kids, hitting on a 20 year old single woman like it is all a bunch of fun....that's a sign. He's no good. He does not treat his wife well. Why would he treat you any better? (he was probably charming and fun when they met, too!)

 

Keep your eyes wide open!

 

Bringing it back to the topic, not all 19/20 year old women would fall for the charms of that guy. Many would cringe, and immediately put him in "creep" category. So the question is, why were you charmed by a man that other peers would consider a creep?

 

The interesting thing is how people tie superficial qualities like charm and fun to someone being a good person.

 

Which reminds me of the discussion about an A helping someone become a better person....what does that mean?

 

Being charming, fun, funny, good in bed, "nice" is all very superficial and even serial killers with no empathy can play that game. Players are always charming, fun and nice...or else no one would sleep with them. However, that has nothing to do with them being good persons....and much as noelle saw, once they feel threatened or stop getting what they want, they QUICKLY show you their TRUE colors.

 

My AP had qualities that lured me in, my ex single guy as well...of course, being charming and nice is easy and a lot of people can do it and top it off with chemistry...it's great. But looking back, neither of them were particularly good individuals and showed this to be true...but I was blinded by the superficial "nice" aspects. But when it COUNTS they showed themselves to be very useless....just like with noelle's MM...when it was all fun and games and superficial stuff ofcourse he was fun and nice...but when it counted, he turned out to be an a-hole, not even a regular a-hole...an INSANE, VIOLENT one at that. Smh.

 

But then again it depends on what you value...if you value fun and frolic over substance, then I suppose it is easy for you to ignore such things and reminisce on the fun. Frankly, I'd be sick. I cannot reminisce on the "fun" with my exAP....as it all just seems very silly and inconsequential to me now and plain wrong. His greater flaws where it counted overshadow the unimportant fun, charm and romantic gestures that were easy.

Edited February 29, 2012 by MissBee

[MissBee]

Interesting that you would post that, as I'm one of the ones who did have several conversations with the bs and yes it was a real eye opener. He was pretty much a sorry lazy slob at home. Did I believe it........yes I did. Matter of fact, she deserves a whole lot better. It is not my style to serve someone dinner while they do nothing to help nor would I put up with someone who was so entitled that he couldn't even bring his dirty dishes to the sink nor pick up his trash from the coffee table. Oh and she did the yard work too and worked a job........and kept the house. Did he mention any of that......no. I'm pissed at him for her.......for treating her like that.

 

Opps.........sorry for the tj.

 

 

My mom always says "See me and come live with me...two different things". Most people put their best foot forward with strangers and with people they are trying to impress for whatever reason. Most of us are our best selves outside our home. It's normal and not necessarily manipulative.

 

My dad...I really would love to be a fly on the wall when he is seeking out these OW. As on one hand, I can see how he appears to be charming, he's funny, he's attractive and so on...but at home, he has a short temper, can be very selfish and inconsiderate, breaks promises....the list goes on. But I'm sure once out of doors and talking to OW....he is the best. I actually was telling my sister that I hope my mom finally turns him loose so this current woman can have him to herself and see if she is happy then

 

But many OW on LS do admit that they like the superficial parts of MM, his "best" parts and not his real parts I suppose. If you know this and admit it, I actually think you're smart. However, those who do not realize this or really believe they know him more than his wife who lives with him daily are quite delusional.

[noelle303]

He was always a jerk Noelle. Even at the beginning when you thought he was so fun and charming, he was a jerk who was lying and cheating on the mother of his 2 little boys. Don't you see that? He wasn't ever 2 different people. When he was out enjoying his little affair with you and you thought he was wonderful, his wife was probably at home, dealing with her 2 little boys all by herself and wondering how she ended up with such a jerk for a husband. If you can't understand that then it really speaks to how young and immature you still are. You are still self centered in that childish way where you can't see outside of your immediate little world.

 

By reading some of the posts here I get the impression that you parents help you a lot and that you kind of respect their opinions. So tell me Noelle, do you say the same things to them that you say here? Do you tell them that your affair was great and worth it because "hey it was really fun!". Do they share your view that being the other woman is okay because your not the one who was cheating and married? Do they honestly believe that if Noelle is presented with the opportunity to have some fun, she should take it, no matter who gets hurt? Do they agree with you that MM was really great guy right up until the moment he found out you were pregnant?

 

Of course your parents love you and support you. I suspect that they are viewing this situation as one where their young sweet innocent daughter fell prey to an evil older man who took advantage of her. I also suspect you are more than happy to have them see it that way and that you would never be so glib and flip about sleeping with a married man while speaking to your parents. I hardly think they would be giving you high fives for going out and having "fun" with a married man. At least not if they are the shining examples of decency that you say they are. I'm sure they love you and their grandchild. I'm sure they are very proud of both of you. I don't think they would agree with what you have to say on this board.

 

Believe it or not, I have talked to my parents about this. When he was going crazy after I decided not to terminate the pregnancy, my mom asked me whether there was any sort of abuse while we were together, to which I replied that there wasn't anything even remotely close, and that I enjoyed our time together.

They don't see it as me being taken advantage of, I made it clear that it was a conscious decision for both of us, 50/50 blame for the consequences.

I have also said to them that I don't regret anything and I accept the consequences of what I did, I'm adamant to do the the best I possibly can out of the situation and so far I've been on the right track.

 

Noelle

 

I went back to read your initial posts here on LS and I am curious.

 

Why do YOU think you got involved with a MM?

 

Why do you think you enjoyed the sneaking around aspect of it (even at his house)?

 

Why do you think that even though you say the mention of his wife should have been a big red light it didn't really strike you that way?

 

Why do you think you decided to deal with your anxiety over discovering you were pregnant by drinking?

 

You say you were not broken or sad when you got involved in your affair so I am wondering what DID drive your decision making at the time.

 

1) As I said many times, I was self-centered and didn't think beyond what was ''in the moment''.

2) I guess...it spiced things up even more? I can't tell you to be exact.

3) It just didn't. At the time he mentioned it we were just flirting and I didn't think anything would derive from it.

3) Because I was in shock. I was in shock and in denial and I wanted to push it down even further.

 

Like most teenagers, you should probably spend more time tending to your responsibilities and less time on the internet.

 

I am almost 22 years old. I work and am finishing up school, plus have a one year old that I take care of by myself. I hop online a couple of times a day, mostly for some schoolwork and I sometimes check this forum out. I've been registered here for a year and a half and look how many posts I have!

 

this was a great post, as well as alexandria's post.

 

i think many young women (19/20) think it is so cool and exciting that the married 30 year old finds them hot and sexy. they enjoy the thrill of it. they laugh at how they are what the mm needs and how lame his wife must be. i believe it goes hand in hand with this generation of entitled, selfish teens/young adults who have so many issues with authority, jobs, respect, etc. heck, there are even many, many training classes today helping the non "y" generation (Born 1980 to 2000) people understand the immaturity and self centered attitude many 'y' generation people have. i think most of us older generation can agree that it scares the pee pee out of us to think about that generation one day running the world.

 

shame on you for not holding the father financially responsible. you may not 'want' his money, but your daughter is owed that money. you have let him off the hook. you are correct, you cannot make him acknowledge his daughter or be active in her life, but you have chosen to let him off the hook and that is wrong for your daughter. you are still protecting him. we know you will not own your part of the affair, as we can see by your exclamation that "you" weren't married and therefore, you owe no one any respect or consideration. you want everyone to blast him for cheating, and not hold you responsible at all. it doesn't work that way. just like the guy driving the get away car, you are an accomplice whether you want to admit that or not. maybe one day when you are older and understand things better will you realize and own your part of the affair. i hope so for your daughters sake.

 

Bolded - Good imagination but that is not at all what I was thinking or how I was feeling at the time.

 

Underlined - see my answer to the quote above. I don't know whether my posts on this forum made it seem like I am mommy and daddy's little girl who is typing this from my hot pink bedroom while they are taking care of my child downstairs?

I am finishing my B.A, I work, I live on my own with my daughter and am her sole provider, financially and physically. Same as most of my friends, stellar students and workers. I personally have no problem landing or keeping a job. So your sweeping generalizations don't work here. And as far as selfishness goes, I don't really think it's a generational thing.

 

I am not protecting exMM. I am protecting myself and my child, I don't know whose posts you're reading here.

 

 

What you guys are saying, that living with someone and just dating them are two different things, that is true. I've always known that he was a crappy husband for doing this to his wife. But the thing is, I never wanted him to be my husband or even my boyfriend. Never wanted these things from him. What I wanted from him, I got. And yes, that is self-centered, I admitted it many times.

[xxoo]

These comments seem to show your blindspot:

 

Whether he was a POS from the beginning I wouldn't know, he never acted like one until the end. It was a complete 180 in his personality.

 

Never said anybody was screwed up?

 

And yes, I can look back on the affair and the ending of it as two different situations. I'm sorry, but I can... he was a completely different man when it comes to those two things and they were in such stark contrast that I do look at them as two different things.

 

You say you knew he was a crappy husband. I'd say more than crappy--downright cruel if he was messing around with you in their home.

 

It was a bit beyond selfish for you to get off on sneaking around in her home, too.

 

To then be completely shocked when he turned on you is very naive. Maybe willfully so. There was no 180 in his personality. He was completely consistent--charming when things are fun, cruel when things are not.