BrighterWashing Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 I haven't read all the replies but I think there has to be some emotional unhealthiness to be the OW. Often it means they are warped or broken but at least they have some unhealthy attitudes. I suspect it's more common to just be that and not broken if you're very young, as you were. It is inherently unhealthy to be willing to settle for the inherent disrespect that comes with being a mistress. I feel I know His ex mistress very well after reading 2 years worth of emails, chats and texts. Even so I cannot fathom how she could have so little self esteem that she would settle for scrounged moments and evenings stolen with lies, crumbs of his life and the mere shadow of mine. She is very vain about her looks and yet did not think she deserved to not have to hide. Wanted to "upgrade" to wife but every day proves she didn't think herself worthy. In contrast when I found out about the affair I didn't make any rash decisions but I was clear he wasn't having both and I wasn't sharing. She wanted him to keep sharing himself. She wasn't prepared to call showdown. Why? She didn't think she'd win. For his OW it went further than unhealthy attitudes. She was warped and broken too. But I doubt thoughtless 20 year olds need to be. They just have to not know much, have no empathy and be selfish as well as have some unhealthy emotional habits. Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 It's the willingness of someone to knowingly share the person the love with another that always, always baffles me. I don't know that many people would be in a relationship with a single person and accept they shared a bed or planned a future with someone else, so really cannot get my head around why the OW/OM in an A are prepared to settle for this. I don't know any BS who are prepared to share their WS with the OW after D Day (lot of acronym's there), so why does the OW/OM? many share for years and years based upon the MP saying they will leave ... insert reason. There should be no reason to knowingly share the person you love with another. It has always puzzled me. They key word here is obviously knowingly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BrighterWashing Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 Being able to delude themselves and believe a proven liar is kin of evidence of brokenness don't you think? I know WH told OW he hadn't slept with W for months. I am pretty sure she believed him. It was nonsense. We were highly -ahem- active just 4 weeks after our daughter was born and from that point for months during which he claimed it had been not since her conception. Haha! Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 What always baffles me is BS's falling all over themselves to point fingers at the OP as a broken person while trashing their own S (a proven liar, narcisstic, cake-eater, etc. etc.) in the same sentence, all over the Internet. Don't they realize what they're doing??? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 What always baffles me is BS's falling all over themselves to point fingers at the OP as a broken person while trashing their own S (a proven liar, narcisstic, cake-eater, etc. etc.) in the same sentence, all over the Internet. Don't they realize what they're doing??? It's no mystery to a BS that, once they find out about an A, the WS was lying and sneaking around during it. The mystery is that the person who is fully aware of said lying and sneaking believes they are exempt from being lied to by the liar. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 What always baffles me is BS's falling all over themselves to point fingers at the OP as a broken person while trashing their own S (a proven liar, narcisstic, cake-eater, etc. etc.) in the same sentence, all over the Internet. Don't they realize what they're doing??? ....and it's sad, that what should be a discussion, about bettering ourselves, doing the right thing , for all involved, should turn into this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 What always baffles me is BS's falling all over themselves to point fingers at the OP as a broken person while trashing their own S (a proven liar, narcisstic, cake-eater, etc. etc.) in the same sentence, all over the Internet. Don't they realize what they're doing??? I can only speak for my situation, Mr. Messy was diagnosed by a counselor after using a version of the MMPI. The OW in our case was a repeat offender. Mr. Messy was not her first or second affair partner. If stating those "documented facts" is trashing, then I am a really good trasher. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 My 'bafflement' is genuine, I really do not understand it. I understand the OW/OM saying that they will not stick around while the WS makes up his/her mind and for them to come back once divorced. I also understand that not all relationships are happy and that people fall in and out of love and again in love with another. I do not understand why the WS is enabled to continue to treat both BS and OP so poorly. This is not suggesting that all OW/OM are broken, however, I don't know of many people, where months or years go by with one wanting the other to leave and being prepared to wait for that to happen. I have tried to understand that and have never read or heard a reason that explains it. I know people fall in love, but really do not understand the willingness to knowingly share, unless there is an open relationship agreement. I once asked an OM if he was prepared for his BS or OW to have a relationship and was told in no uncertain terms that he wasn't. Which struck me as hypocrisy to the 'nth degree. For those that wait, I assume they are happy to do so, if they are not, well that must make them sad, no? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 (edited) I have tried to understand that and have never read or heard a reason that explains it. I know people fall in love, but really do not understand the willingness to knowingly share, unless there is an open relationship agreement. I once asked an OM if he was prepared for his BS or OW to have a relationship and was told in no uncertain terms that he wasn't. Which struck me as hypocrisy to the 'nth degree. For those that wait, I assume they are happy to do so, if they are not, well that must make them sad, no? Thing is, there are AP who, on THIS forum, have stated they were perfectly happy with their A situation. Then on another forum that was, at the time, mistakenly thought to be closed, those same people were moaning and complaining about how their WS hadn't left the BS yet. So there you have it. They will admit to others "drinking the koolaid" that they were NOT happy, yet were telling a very different bravado laced story here. Sad? Probably. Broken? Yes, at least IMO. How many others are doing the same thing? Claiming one thing while feeling quite another? A very sad situation all around. Edited March 16, 2012 by donnamaybe Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 What always baffles me is BS's falling all over themselves to point fingers at the OP as a broken person while trashing their own S (a proven liar, narcisstic, cake-eater, etc. etc.) in the same sentence, all over the Internet. Don't they realize what they're doing??? ....and it's sad, that what should be a discussion, about bettering ourselves, doing the right thing , for all involved, should turn into this. I think I agree with you but just to make sure, what is an "S". Besides being part of the alphabet... Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 I think I agree with you but just to make sure, what is an "S". Besides being part of the alphabet... spouse........ Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 spouse........ Thank you. Though I'll admit, spouse, never occurred to me. And I'll not be admitting to what I thought it was. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 Thing is, there are AP who, on THIS forum, have stated they were perfectly happy with their A situation. Then on another forum that was, at the time, mistakenly thought to be closed, those same people were moaning and complaining about how their WS hadn't left the BS yet. So there you have it. They will admit to others "drinking the koolaid" that they were NOT happy, yet were telling a very different bravado laced story here. Sad? Probably. Broken? Yes, at least IMO. How many others are doing the same thing? Claiming one thing while feeling quite another? A very sad situation all around. More than lying to others, is the lying to self. I could care less if you lie to me about your feelings about your life...at the end of the day I get off LS and am not in your shoes and don't have to contend with what you have to...be it happy or sad. I think the worst lies are to ourselves...we've all done it in one area or another and telling the truth to yourself is the greatest service you can do for you. Get real! Saves so much time and heartache. At the end of the day, when you are alone in bed at night, when you have a quiet moment....you KNOW the truth, whatever that truth is.....sooo it's of no real use to you to lie to others and lying to yourself is an illusion anyway, as you still know the truth and usually that's why we get conflicted people who are contradictory...because the lies to self aren't matching up with the truth the self knows and then add that to trying to explain your life to other people in a way that seems stable. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BrighterWashing Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 What always baffles me is BS's falling all over themselves to point fingers at the OP as a broken person while trashing their own S (a proven liar, narcisstic, cake-eater, etc. etc.) in the same sentence, all over the Internet. Don't they realize what they're doing??? ....and it's sad, that what should be a discussion, about bettering ourselves, doing the right thing , for all involved, should turn into this. But theWS *was* broken during the A, that's the whole point. No contradiction at all. The WS had not be a liar and cake eater to have an A in the first place. So if we can agree on that- then he must have been doing that to the OW too and she was also having an affair and knew that's what he was doing at the time and accepted it so she's broken too. I see no contradiction here. But for BS who have a S who is truly remorseful they can heal and become whole and be a good spouse instead of a cheat. In theory the OW could do the same but the BS won't care and won't see it and I have never seen much remorse even on here let alone from our OW. There's a lot said about the BS having misplaced rage at the OW not the WS and why do we keep the WS if we condemn the OW- its quite simple: we have years of honesty and trust to build on, we must see remorse and effort, we have a relationship as well as a transaction of remorse and forgiving going on with our S but obviously not with the OW and everything we read both by and about such women says they don't feel true remorse for what they did. If I saw the OW behaving with true remorse I would pity her brokenness at least rather than just see it. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 What always baffles me is BS's falling all over themselves to point fingers at the OP as a broken person while trashing their own S (a proven liar, narcisstic, cake-eater, etc. etc.) in the same sentence, all over the Internet. Don't they realize what they're doing??? ....and it's sad, that what should be a discussion, about bettering ourselves, doing the right thing , for all involved, should turn into this. This was never a discussion about "bettering ourselves". This thread started out as a defense of the OW's mental and emotional fitness and how the affair was fun and having no regrets. It was also not about "doing the right thing, for all involved", especially when such selfishness as not caring about what the affair was doing the the WS family because it was just so much fun. We are reading the same thread, right? This one is about the OW not about the W. Why shouldn't the replies be about observed OW behavior? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BrighterWashing Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 LadyGrwy you have every right to disagree of course. I only said it was my opinion. I swore I'd never post my situation because OW was so into boards I thought she would find me. Enough time passed and I got comfortable a bit more. I've been reading here since 2010. You're right though that it's not looking like that to me but they may of course feel differently. Different perspectives is why we share though right? My H ex OW is always saying how conciliatory she is and is oblivious to the the fact it doesn't look like that to us! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 what a great post seren! thank you for sharing it. me neither. i couldn't figure out what the 's' was for! It isn't what I use "S" for but I figured spouse is safe enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrighterWashing Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 I wish you healing and peace and I do sincerely mean that. I do hope you come to a place where you can realize that not all ow are evil shrews, some are, but most are messed up in their thinking due to foo issues, etc. The ones that aren't evil selfish bitches got into something they knew was wrong on some level and they betrayed themselves. The ones who have the courage to look hard at themselves are searching for understanding and self forgiveness and a determination to never go there again and these are the ones who get how their involvement with a mm hurt another woman. It's a hard road, but some do find it. LS is one of those places that is open enough that you get all sides of the equation and support comes from all angles. Hopefully you can find something you need here too. I think we are talking at cross purposes. Evil shrew is about knowing what you're doing ex ante and doing it anyway. I do NOT think all OW are like that at all, though I know for a fact "ours" was. I'm talking about realizing afterwards and having true remorse. I see a lot of excuses and defensiveness. Just like WH had at first. I am sure it is like BS blaming themselves, a phase. But I would hope that like WH who was the OM in her marriage she would come to complete disgust at her actions. If not then I will judge her for that for sure! I said there are different opinions and perspectives. This is mine. I've made peace with WH (not fully forgiven yet but peace). I will make peace with his OW if she gets out of our lives - by writing her off- or I'd he shows real remorse by pitying her. That's for her. Other OW I don't know may well be different but I think they should all feel remorse. Link to post Share on other sites
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