I don't want a divorce, but my husband does

[rix]

I've been married for fifteen years, we have four children together, the oldest is almost 15 and the youngest is four months old.

 

About ten days ago, I spoke to my husband b/c I was upset about our sex life. He responded by saying that my weight has become a problem for him. I am very overweight. He did not say this in a mean way, he was being honest. I became very upset and withdrew and we really did not communicate for about five days. I began to think that if you really love someone, you are able to look past or partly look past physical flaws. So after about five days, I asked him if he still wants to be married. I was sure he would say yes. He did not. He said that he wants a divorce. After hours of conversation, he told me that he has a girlfriend that he has been with for about six to seven weeks, although he has known her for a year. They have a "great connection" and they love eachother.

 

He said that he has been unhappy for ten years and that he had resigned himself to being staying with me and our children. He is unfulfilled in our relationship. He still loves me, but not the way that I love him. He told me that he does not want to hurt me and he only wants good things for me. He wants to stay in our house until the school year is over, and he doesn't want to tell our children yet.

 

We had many talks over the next few days. I told him that I don't understand how he can say he was working on our marriage when I was not aware that we had major problems. I feel he is throwing in the towel before even giving me a chance to work on our relationship together. I asked him if there is nothing worth saving and nothing there after fifteen years and four children. He agreed to consider working on our relationship. He also said that his new relationship would never have happened if our relationship was healthy. He asked for space and time to think about this, and he is on a business trip this week.

 

Now, I was obviously very upset because I love him very much and I had no idea how bad our relationship was for him. I started counseling last week b/c I was nearly suicidal after this news. I then went to the doctors and he diagnosed me with severe depression. I'm on medication, and I oddly feel much better about a lot of things in my life. I have realized that I really was not present in my marriage and I was not meeting my husbands needs. I did not realize how crippled my life was. I have no close friends, no social activities, I was so irritable, no energy, didn't keep my house up well, etc. My husband was everything so much so that it was unhealthy.

 

In the last few days, I have made some real changes. For the past ten days, I have eaten healthily, I am exercising, I made plans with a coworker, I did a major cleanup in my house and threw away a ton of stuff. I keep everything. I have done these things before, but it was always with my husband in mind. This time I am doing it because I want to.

 

We went to a my son's sports meet yesterday. It's an all day thing, and I usually don't go. I stay home with the baby and the toddler because of my work schedule. At first my husband wasn't even looking at me, but as the day went on it changed. He saw me get up and talk to other moms (which I wouldn't have done before, I also have terrible social anxiety). Instead of sitting on the bleachers alone when he got up, I would get up and watch what was going on, so when he came back I wasn't just sitting there waiting. By the end of the day, he was talking to me and staring right into my eyes. He was staring at me when he was talking to our son. He started sitting right next to me so that we were touching. At one point, the match got very exciting and he turned around and grabbed me and kissed me.

 

He left for his business trip yesterday after we got home. He hugged me three times before he left and gave me kisses good bye. He called me later in the evening and at the end of the phone call he said "I love you." Before he said it, he paused, it was not that reflexive, bye, I love you that always seems to come after a while.

 

I don't know what to think. I am confused. I know I don't want a divorce. I just wonder if there is any hope here. He did say that if he wasn't going to consider it, he would just say so. I am just so confused and devastated. I feel like depression stole years and years of my life and my marriage.

[frozensprouts]

( i know this post may aggravate some people, but if you have been cheated on, you may very likely understand what I mean)

 

it seems your husband stole a page from the "cheaters handbook"...

 

you two were going along in your marriage, and things are "okay"...you don't really realize there are any problems ( how bad could things have been? you have a four month old baby, but your husband says he has had a girlfriend who he met, "just as a friend" about a year ago. add that up, and you get a guy who was having an emotional affair on his pregnant wife, and the once the baby was born, it became a physical affair).

I would hazard a guess that his dissatisfaction with you probably came about right around the time he thought he may be able to have some kind of romantic relationship with her. all of a sudden, he "no longer loves you" or " you're just friends now", or the ever popular " we're more like roommates" or " I love you but I am not in love with you":sick:

 

this is not to say there weren't problems in your marriage..after that many years and that many kids, there probably were, but don't let him turn that around to excuse his cheating.

 

My advice to you would be to take sometime to decide what you want to do. Then sit down with him and discuss what's next. If he flip flops between you and his "other women", let him know that you want him to be happy, but that you won't tolerate that from him. You'll move on, and so can he.

 

If he says he wants to reconcile, that is great! Just make sure that you are given ample opportunity to have your feelings heard and any questions you may have answered. Counseling is also highly recommended.

 

Glad to hear that you are making some positive changes in your life for yourself. It's also a gift to your children...a happier, more confident woman is a happier mom.

 

best of luck to you and yours

[SincereOnlineGuy]

The OP's story would be very encouraging if the husband were not a part of the story.

 

The progression at which you hint is supposed to be self-motivated, and extremely beneficial regardless of whether the husband stays or goes.

 

IF indeed your inspiration is to try to stave off divorce, then just staaaaaaaay on that path back toward health and eventual happiness, for your own sake, and that of your children, who you'll want to be around to see grow-up..

 

There is a reasonable chance that your self-motivated efforts that way may have a considerable positive effect on your husband's decision to come or go... YET it would be unhealthy to pin all of your hopes on either outcome.

[CC12]

I don't know what to think.

 

I wouldn't know, either. You're in quite a situation. But he said he wants a divorce and is now dating someone else, so I think you should treat this as a breakup. There might be hope, but don't count on it because he is already moving on. And ask yourself if you'd ever be able to forgive him for going outside your marriage, anyway. Honestly think about it. You might not be able to ever move past that. It's not an easy thing to overcome. Do you think you could?

[PinkInTheLimo]

am very overweight. He did not say this in a mean way, he was being honest. I became very upset and withdrew and we really did not communicate for about five days. I began to think that if you really love someone, you are able to look past or partly look past physical flaws.

 

Sorry to bring the bad news: love is not unconditional. You are bringing your health in serious danger when you are very overweight. It's also very unattractive for someone who has a normal weight (unless some crazy people who have a fetish about overweight women).

You have children, already for them you should do something about your weight.

[Radagast]

By the end of the day, he was talking to me and staring right into my eyes. He was staring at me when he was talking to our son. He started sitting right next to me so that we were touching. At one point, the match got very exciting and he turned around and grabbed me and kissed me.

 

He left for his business trip yesterday after we got home. He hugged me three times before he left and gave me kisses good bye. He called me later in the evening and at the end of the phone call he said "I love you." Before he said it, he paused, it was not that reflexive, bye, I love you that always seems to come after a while.

 

I don't know what to think. I am confused. I know I don't want a divorce. I just wonder if there is any hope here. He did say that if he wasn't going to consider it, he would just say so. I am just so confused and devastated. I feel like depression stole years and years of my life and my marriage.

 

He may be responding to the changes and rediscovering the woman he once loved in you. Or he may simply be relieved that you're recovering after the bad news and that you won't fall apart completely if he leaves you. Only he can say. But is important that you do this for yourself and your children, and not simply to cling to a marriage that may be over.

[subhub40]

He's moved on... You should too. The damage is done. If you work to get him back, you're validating what he did; he'll never respect you, and you'll never respect yourself.

 

Since he cheated you'll take him to the cleaners in the divorce. Get on a proper, organized diet/exercise program, and you'll be with someone new in no time, in a well-balanced relationship with mutual respect.

 

Learn from the past, don't live in it.

 

I've been married for fifteen years, we have four children together, the oldest is almost 15 and the youngest is four months old.

 

About ten days ago, I spoke to my husband b/c I was upset about our sex life. He responded by saying that my weight has become a problem for him. I am very overweight. He did not say this in a mean way, he was being honest. I became very upset and withdrew and we really did not communicate for about five days. I began to think that if you really love someone, you are able to look past or partly look past physical flaws. So after about five days, I asked him if he still wants to be married. I was sure he would say yes. He did not. He said that he wants a divorce. After hours of conversation, he told me that he has a girlfriend that he has been with for about six to seven weeks, although he has known her for a year. They have a "great connection" and they love eachother.

 

He said that he has been unhappy for ten years and that he had resigned himself to being staying with me and our children. He is unfulfilled in our relationship. He still loves me, but not the way that I love him. He told me that he does not want to hurt me and he only wants good things for me. He wants to stay in our house until the school year is over, and he doesn't want to tell our children yet.

 

We had many talks over the next few days. I told him that I don't understand how he can say he was working on our marriage when I was not aware that we had major problems. I feel he is throwing in the towel before even giving me a chance to work on our relationship together. I asked him if there is nothing worth saving and nothing there after fifteen years and four children. He agreed to consider working on our relationship. He also said that his new relationship would never have happened if our relationship was healthy. He asked for space and time to think about this, and he is on a business trip this week.

 

Now, I was obviously very upset because I love him very much and I had no idea how bad our relationship was for him. I started counseling last week b/c I was nearly suicidal after this news. I then went to the doctors and he diagnosed me with severe depression. I'm on medication, and I oddly feel much better about a lot of things in my life. I have realized that I really was not present in my marriage and I was not meeting my husbands needs. I did not realize how crippled my life was. I have no close friends, no social activities, I was so irritable, no energy, didn't keep my house up well, etc. My husband was everything so much so that it was unhealthy.

 

In the last few days, I have made some real changes. For the past ten days, I have eaten healthily, I am exercising, I made plans with a coworker, I did a major cleanup in my house and threw away a ton of stuff. I keep everything. I have done these things before, but it was always with my husband in mind. This time I am doing it because I want to.

 

We went to a my son's sports meet yesterday. It's an all day thing, and I usually don't go. I stay home with the baby and the toddler because of my work schedule. At first my husband wasn't even looking at me, but as the day went on it changed. He saw me get up and talk to other moms (which I wouldn't have done before, I also have terrible social anxiety). Instead of sitting on the bleachers alone when he got up, I would get up and watch what was going on, so when he came back I wasn't just sitting there waiting. By the end of the day, he was talking to me and staring right into my eyes. He was staring at me when he was talking to our son. He started sitting right next to me so that we were touching. At one point, the match got very exciting and he turned around and grabbed me and kissed me.

 

He left for his business trip yesterday after we got home. He hugged me three times before he left and gave me kisses good bye. He called me later in the evening and at the end of the phone call he said "I love you." Before he said it, he paused, it was not that reflexive, bye, I love you that always seems to come after a while.

 

I don't know what to think. I am confused. I know I don't want a divorce. I just wonder if there is any hope here. He did say that if he wasn't going to consider it, he would just say so. I am just so confused and devastated. I feel like depression stole years and years of my life and my marriage.

[carhill]

OP, simplify...

 

Your marriage has broken down and your husband has begun what apparently is a long-term affair.

 

What do you want?

 

What is your plan of action to achieve this goal?

 

What boundaries do you feel are appropriate and healthy?

 

I'll use an example (not advice).

 

1. I want to recover my marriage to a healthy state

 

2. I want my H to end his association with the affair partner and proactively engage me in efforts to recover our M. I will make clear and proactive efforts to work on my physical and emotional health, including medical and/or psychological counseling.

 

3. 'Time to think' can be spent in MC or IC. If separation is the path, it is with the expectation to prioritize the marriage and associations and affairs with others are disallowed and both partners will be accountable for their actions. If the boundaries are breached, I will file for divorce the next day and recommend mediation to resolve and dispose of the marital estate in an amicable manner.

 

 

Plan your work and work your plan. Everything in life starts with a simple action or thought. Good luck.

[The Blue Knight]

I've been married for fifteen years, we have four children together, the oldest is almost 15 and the youngest is four months old.

 

About ten days ago, I spoke to my husband b/c I was upset about our sex life. He responded by saying that my weight has become a problem for him. I am very overweight. He did not say this in a mean way, he was being honest. I became very upset and withdrew and we really did not communicate for about five days. I began to think that if you really love someone, you are able to look past or partly look past physical flaws. So after about five days, I asked him if he still wants to be married. I was sure he would say yes. He did not. He said that he wants a divorce. After hours of conversation, he told me that he has a girlfriend that he has been with for about six to seven weeks, although he has known her for a year. They have a "great connection" and they love eachother.

 

He said that he has been unhappy for ten years and that he had resigned himself to being staying with me and our children. He is unfulfilled in our relationship. He still loves me, but not the way that I love him. He told me that he does not want to hurt me and he only wants good things for me. He wants to stay in our house until the school year is over, and he doesn't want to tell our children yet.

 

We had many talks over the next few days. I told him that I don't understand how he can say he was working on our marriage when I was not aware that we had major problems. I feel he is throwing in the towel before even giving me a chance to work on our relationship together. I asked him if there is nothing worth saving and nothing there after fifteen years and four children. He agreed to consider working on our relationship. He also said that his new relationship would never have happened if our relationship was healthy. He asked for space and time to think about this, and he is on a business trip this week.

 

Now, I was obviously very upset because I love him very much and I had no idea how bad our relationship was for him. I started counseling last week b/c I was nearly suicidal after this news. I then went to the doctors and he diagnosed me with severe depression. I'm on medication, and I oddly feel much better about a lot of things in my life. I have realized that I really was not present in my marriage and I was not meeting my husbands needs. I did not realize how crippled my life was. I have no close friends, no social activities, I was so irritable, no energy, didn't keep my house up well, etc. My husband was everything so much so that it was unhealthy.

 

In the last few days, I have made some real changes. For the past ten days, I have eaten healthily, I am exercising, I made plans with a coworker, I did a major cleanup in my house and threw away a ton of stuff. I keep everything. I have done these things before, but it was always with my husband in mind. This time I am doing it because I want to.

 

We went to a my son's sports meet yesterday. It's an all day thing, and I usually don't go. I stay home with the baby and the toddler because of my work schedule. At first my husband wasn't even looking at me, but as the day went on it changed. He saw me get up and talk to other moms (which I wouldn't have done before, I also have terrible social anxiety). Instead of sitting on the bleachers alone when he got up, I would get up and watch what was going on, so when he came back I wasn't just sitting there waiting. By the end of the day, he was talking to me and staring right into my eyes. He was staring at me when he was talking to our son. He started sitting right next to me so that we were touching. At one point, the match got very exciting and he turned around and grabbed me and kissed me.

 

He left for his business trip yesterday after we got home. He hugged me three times before he left and gave me kisses good bye. He called me later in the evening and at the end of the phone call he said "I love you." Before he said it, he paused, it was not that reflexive, bye, I love you that always seems to come after a while.

 

I don't know what to think. I am confused. I know I don't want a divorce. I just wonder if there is any hope here. He did say that if he wasn't going to consider it, he would just say so. I am just so confused and devastated. I feel like depression stole years and years of my life and my marriage.

 

Rix, one tidbit you left out which I'd like to know more about is how things were when you met your husband. We're you more outgoing, more physical, more involved, more on top of your looks, a better housekeeper?

 

I ask because over time a lot of married people slip into this funk of over-comfort-ability as it appears you did.

 

I assume when you say that you're overweight, you don't mean just from the latest baby?

 

I have always had a hard time understanding that if you're married and you love a person, how anyone can just let themselves go. I'm not picking on you. I've just seen it so many times and I don't get it. To me being with my wife means I try to put the best physical ME possible in front of her daily. It's great to be able to be comfortable and laid back with one another but marriage means you still have to package yourself up as presentable and pursue-able.

 

My wife has put a few unnecessary pounds on on the years. There was a point about three years ago where it got to be too much and as much as I love her, it affected how I viewed her terribly. I didn't want to feel that way and I was in many ways ashamed that I did feel that way because I really don't consider myself a shallow person in that regard. But just the same, we are creatures who are physically attracted and that chemical process is very tied-in to what we see and like about that person whom we married. When that person's physical image changes drastically or their personality is altered considerably, we may not find that we feel the same about them because the chemistry or bonding that lured us to them just took a huge torpedo hit.

 

Thankfully my wife brought her weight back down a bit and although she's still a good 30 lbs over where she should be, I love her and find her attractive. My biggest concern frankly is her health because she doesn't make good food choices and her working out is hit and miss so I am increasingly concerned about diseases, strokes, heart attacks, etc. But that's a different story.

 

I workout 4 to 5 times a week at the gym. Now I definitely do it for her because as I said, I want to put the best me out there for her at all times. But truthfully, I'd probably stay in good shape for a number of valid reasons, and any of them are sufficient. I value my health; I need to be in shape for my career; I feel our bodies are a gift from God and I believe you respect that; and I like being able at my age to go out and participate in sports whenever I like and keep up with guys 20 years my junior (most likely male competitive ego is responsible for that last one ).

 

With regard to your situation, the change in you the last couple days is obviously a positive for your husband. If he was already checked out Rix he'd never kiss you and tell you he loved you, so in my opinion there is most definitely hope.

 

You have to decide if these changes in you are going to last. And you have to do them not just for your husband, but for you. You have to become a functioning person again because what you're describing about yourself sounds wholly dysfunctional.

 

My wife is very social. If she had become withdrawn over the years the way that you described yourself, I'd be mentally checked out like your husband.

 

I want to live life. I want to enjoy each and every day with my wife. I want her to feel that way too. Nobody wants to get married and then have what was perhaps once an exciting marriage partner become this laid back, barely functioning, unsocial imitation for what was once a vibrant and sexy wife.

 

Based on what you're telling me, you can win him back. He has not checked out as some here have suggested. If he did, he wouldn't kiss you, embrace you, or tell you he loves you. There's something still there for him. But you need to stay on course. Keep being "alive" and get some mastery of your weight and your likely poor eating habits. Try to give this man back what he once had when he met you.

 

From what you're describing (others may disagree) I don't think your husband set out looking to replace you. I think he'd become unhappy over time and you'd become complacent about the marriage and things just fell into place and this other woman came along and created the perfect storm for him. He doesn't strike me as your typical cheater who is out looking to land women between the sheets. He was just unhappy, kept it to himself, and something came along that seemed better and more alive than what he had at home.

 

 

[carhill]

One nuance to consider is that H proactively and unilaterally shared the parameters of 'knowing' the OW and straight up told W that he 'loved' the OW and that they had a 'great connection', two of the most damaging statements that a wife can ever hear from her husband.

 

Then, later, he hugs the wife, kisses her and tells her he loves her.

 

Having lived all sides of this dynamic, 'thinking the relationship' comes to mind. These are the actions and words the wife needs to hear and see to feel loved so I will provide them, regardless of whether it's honest or not. I don't want her to divorce me just yet and, to stay in charge, I need to control this and will do what's necessary.

 

If he truly loves two women, that's an elemental part of his psychology, meaning the ability to be polyamorous, which indicates that this 'situation' runs a lot deeper than what is apparent, and likely has far more history than is being shared.

 

OP, you've been around LS since 2006 and I presume have read it once in awhile over the years. What's your read, based on the volumes of experience shared here? Is your gut read 'sincere' or, if other, what?

[The Blue Knight]

One nuance to consider is that H proactively and unilaterally shared the parameters of 'knowing' the OW and straight up told W that he 'loved' the OW and that they had a 'great connection', two of the most damaging statements that a wife can ever hear from her husband.

 

Then, later, he hugs the wife, kisses her and tells her he loves her.

 

Having lived all sides of this dynamic, 'thinking the relationship' comes to mind. These are the actions and words the wife needs to hear and see to feel loved so I will provide them, regardless of whether it's honest or not. I don't want her to divorce me just yet and, to stay in charge, I need to control this and will do what's necessary.

 

If he truly loves two women, that's an elemental part of his psychology, meaning the ability to be polyamorous, which indicates that this 'situation' runs a lot deeper than what is apparent, and likely has far more history than is being shared.

 

OP, you've been around LS since 2006 and I presume have read it once in awhile over the years. What's your read, based on the volumes of experience shared here? Is your gut read 'sincere' or, if other, what?

 

Excellent observations carhill . . and very possible. I can only put myself in her husband's place and say that if I were in love with another woman, I couldn't be the least bit close with my wife or whoever. That means I would never willingly kiss her or embrace her or tell her I loved her. I'd never want to mislead or lie about my feelings and I'd certainly not be up for pretending to feel that way. But that's me. This guy might be entirely different. However, I'm taking her posting at face value and he sounds like he's genuine, but there are subtleties and lots of history in a 15 year marriage that never get brought out in these postings.

[carhill]

I can only put myself in her husband's place and say that if I were in love with another woman, I couldn't be the least bit close with my wife or whoever. That means I would never willingly kiss her or embrace her or tell her I loved her.

Yep, I'm pretty much the same but I did taste a bit of the dark side, enough to educate me about how 'thinking the relationship' works.

 

The good news is that, with healthy communication, this all comes out.

 

Example: 'Can you explain to me how you can proactively and unilaterally state that you 'love this woman' and feel a 'great connection with her', yet hug me, kiss me and utter terms of endearment I once felt were solely reserved for myself and our M. I want to understand why and how. Can you help?'

 

Listen. Accept. Process. Move forward. What I found to be a great benefit of having an assertive neutral third party (MC) involved was that bullshyting from either side got lots of holes poked in it. There was a lot of challenge from someone who didn't care how either of us felt but rather cared about the health (or not) of the M. Like some LSer's opine, in MC the marriage is the client and the focus. I had never thought of it that way prior to reading those words. They make sense.

[KathyM]

It's too bad he didn't communicate these negative feelings he was having about the relationship before taking that step of cheating on you. It's too bad he didn't have the guts to do that--you probably would have made the turn around before the damage was done if he had said his true feelings. I wish people would be honest with their spouses, and not pretend that everything is OK while going behind their spouse's back to betray them.

[The Blue Knight]

It's too bad he didn't communicate these negative feelings he was having about the relationship before taking that step of cheating on you. It's too bad he didn't have the guts to do that--you probably would have made the turn around before the damage was done if he had said his true feelings. I wish people would be honest with their spouses, and not pretend that everything is OK while going behind their spouse's back to betray them.

KathyM that's easier said than done. Consider that this guy was probably in a place that wasn't terrible and wasn't terrific. That's where a lot of people's marriages end up unfortunately. Not to relate real life to a sitcom but did you ever see the King of Queens episode where Doug realizes Kerry has put on a little weight and he runs it by Deacon stating he's going to bring it up to Kerry at dinner. Deacon replies essentially, "Man, if your life is good right now, then don't pick at this, it will only blow up on you." In other words if things are acceptable in the status quo, leave it alone because it could get worse.

 

I don't know of that many men who are going to go out of their way to suggest to their wife that they've put on too many pounds. My ex wife would have made sure that all sex was suspended for several weeks had I said that to her (although she never was heavy, but was petite). That can backfire in a very big way with a lot of women. Men learn that being honest can come back to bite you big time unless you're married to a very special woman who can deal with truthfulness.

 

In this case she asked, he gave her a straight answer and in that regard, I think you have to give him credit for the honesty. Is what he did okay with regard to the other woman? Nope. But if he figured he was in a marriage that lost it's spark and his wife had let herself go it was ripe for something like this to happen.

 

Many spouses, and I'd include myself, view a spouse who let's themselves go as someone who is saying "you're no longer that important to me." For right or for wrong that's how it's interpreted and I've been there believing that about my wife when her weight shot up, so trust me, it's a very real feeling. My guess is that this is how the husband saw things in his own marriage and woman #2 just happened to come along and he was by that point disconnected from his wife physically and emotionally.

[Lauriebell82]

It's hard to say what his motivation is right now. He admitted he was having an affair, wanted a divorce, then said he would work on things. And now he sees changes in you and seems happier in the marriage. Those are a lot of mixed messages.

 

You said you are instituting these changes for yourself and not for him? Is that the truth? Would you still be doing these things if he picked up and left tomorrow to move in with his girlfriend?

 

My suggestion would be to take him out of the picture and continue to do what you are doing. Do not continue to ask him if he wants to divorce you, do not try and convince him he needs to stay because you've changed. Just basically lead your own life and continue to work on changing you...regardless of his actions or thoughts.

 

You don't have control over your husband, only you. So stay in control of your life. If he sticks around and you resolve things, fine. If you don't, you will survive because you have attempted to work through your depression and gain the confidence that you do not need your husband to be happy..you can be happy all on your own.