Sleeping with more people to get over retroactive jealousy

[Carrera]

I'm currently having some serious issues coming to terms with my girlfriends sexual past. This seems to be a pretty common problem with young guys dating more experienced girls. I've read TONS of other posts about this topic, with most of the advice being to just man up and get over it, or break up.

 

We've been dating 7 months, and as I've started to care more about her my thoughts have gotten progressively worse... So I doubt I'm ever going to just get over it. I'd really rather not break up with my girlfriend, but the thought of her having sex with her exes is actually causing me to lose sleep. I've never been a very creative guy, but recently my brain has been working overtime to fill my head with images that make me wish I didn't even know her.

 

Recently, everything I used to appreciate now just feels hollow and meaningless. When she tells me she loves me, I know it's true, but it just doesn't hold the same meaning when I remember that I'm the third guy she's said it to in the past year. I used to love making her squirm in bed, but then I lose all satisfaction when I remember that it's nothing she hasn't experienced with another guy.

 

Basically, nothing feels special to me anymore.

 

Anyways, to the main point. It recently crossed my mind that taking a break, and sleeping with others to even the playing field in terms of experience might allow me to get past this all. Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much to think of her with other people, if she wasn't the only one I'd had these experiences with.

 

I would really appreciate you guys were to weigh in on this. I hate to be melodramatic, but this is actually eating me up inside.

[pie2]

Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much to think of her with other people, if she wasn't the only one I'd had these experiences with.

 

I used to love making her squirm in bed, but then I lose all satisfaction when I remember that it's nothing she hasn't experienced with another guy.

 

You could be hypersensitive about her past sexual history because of your own lack in that area. But I think you have to really evaluate where the root of the problem lies.

 

If you're ultimately wanting to be equally as or more experienced than her, you're transferring a lot of your pain on to her by blaming her for something she cannot change, and turning her into a monstrous shrew. That doesn't seem very rational. Deep down, do you really think that being the sexual victor is the root of your problems? If you do choose to break off the relationship to go sleep around, what do you think your GF's reaction is going to be? Is she going to be fine with it, and do you think the relationship is going to be stronger because of your decision?

 

You say that as you grow closer, you have more and more of these thoughts. Could this be a way of pushing her out of your life...are you scared of the intimacy you're experiencing?

 

Is it possible that you are actually more concerned with her past lifestyle, rather than your lack of experience? It's OK if she's just not the girl for you...you're allowed to be with someone who you feel is a good match in all areas of life...including the bedroom.

Edited February 28, 2012 by pie2

[tbrant19]

I'm currently having some serious issues coming to terms with my girlfriends sexual past. This seems to be a pretty common problem with young guys dating more experienced girls. I've read TONS of other posts about this topic, with most of the advice being to just man up and get over it, or break up.

 

We've been dating 7 months, and as I've started to care more about her my thoughts have gotten progressively worse... So I doubt I'm ever going to just get over it. I'd really rather not break up with my girlfriend, but the thought of her having sex with her exes is actually causing me to lose sleep. I've never been a very creative guy, but recently my brain has been working overtime to fill my head with images that make me wish I didn't even know her.

 

Recently, everything I used to appreciate now just feels hollow and meaningless. When she tells me she loves me, I know it's true, but it just doesn't hold the same meaning when I remember that I'm the third guy she's said it to in the past year. I used to love making her squirm in bed, but then I lose all satisfaction when I remember that it's nothing she hasn't experienced with another guy.

 

Basically, nothing feels special to me anymore.

 

Anyways, to the main point. It recently crossed my mind that taking a break, and sleeping with others to even the playing field in terms of experience might allow me to get past this all. Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much to think of her with other people, if she wasn't the only one I'd had these experiences with.

 

I would really appreciate you guys were to weigh in on this. I hate to be melodramatic, but this is actually eating me up inside.

 

Have you talked to her about this? As a guy going through the same thing, I think that would be the first place to start (just make sure you are satisfied with her answers or you'll want to keep bringing it up and she will resent you for that). Other than that, what tends to work for me is to remember that there was something wrong with her past relationships. The very fact that she's with you now should tell you that you're the best she has ever had. If your current experiences with her feel empty simply because she has already experienced them then work on doing things that she hasn't experienced yet. Experiment, make her present reality so special that, in comparison, the past feels like nothing more than a footnote. And when your there, remind yourself how you got there. If the past hadn't of happened then you wouldn't be in the present. In many ways, I don't think you will never "get over" her past however I do think it is possible to reconcile it with her present.

[dreamingoftigers]

I've had wicked RJ. The best thing that has worked for me and a few others is EMDR therapy.

 

Much less painful then tossing a relationship and risking a boatload of STDs.

[reallyhotguy]

Well gee man, I've never had it quite as bad as that, but I can tell you the thought that freed me. Maybe you've heard it before:

 

The past is a necessary part of who she is. It's not just that her past experiences turned her into the girl you fell in love with. It's also that all of the decisions she made allowed you to even meet. Altogether if she hadn't done everything she has and in that precise order, you probably wouldn't have even met each other, much less fallen in love.

 

Meetings are miraculous (special!) because they are so fragile. Whether or not you stopped to tie your shoe that morning may be the difference between whether you met her or didn't. It'll blow your mind how unique that is if you really stop to think about it (and I'm not even considering how you were the 1 sperm out of billions that managed to turn into a person).

 

So in a way, you ought to thank her past partners. And same goes for you, too! If you had diverged at all, you wouldn't be with her, and that includes if you had "gotten more experience".

 

Keep in mind that you've managed to work yourself into this negative place with an idea, so you are just as capable of bringing yourself to another place with a different idea.

 

I really hope you don't have to put this relationship down because of this feeling.

Edited February 28, 2012 by reallyhotguy

[ThatDudeXO]

I don't think you are actually ready for a serious long term relationship. Maybe you do need to play the field more and see what's out there.

 

You have to ultimately decide, are you ready for this relationship? Do you love her enough to look past these insecurities?

 

If answer is no then you need to get out of this relationship and spread your wings as you like.

 

I was in the same situation as you and I decided that I loved her enough to look past my insecurites. Instead I worked on being the BEST she's ever had, as opposed to just another dude.

[subhub40]

The question is, "Are you troubled by something, or just troubled?"

 

If the thought of your girlfriend having ANY past lovers bothers you this much, you're a troubled fellow, and need to get some help.

 

If the sheer quantity (or quality for that matter) of her past lovers troubles you, perhaps you aren't seeing her in the same light anymore.

 

If you don't respect her, you can't stay with her. If you don't respect yourself, you can't leave.

 

I'm currently having some serious issues coming to terms with my girlfriends sexual past. This seems to be a pretty common problem with young guys dating more experienced girls. I've read TONS of other posts about this topic, with most of the advice being to just man up and get over it, or break up.

 

We've been dating 7 months, and as I've started to care more about her my thoughts have gotten progressively worse... So I doubt I'm ever going to just get over it. I'd really rather not break up with my girlfriend, but the thought of her having sex with her exes is actually causing me to lose sleep. I've never been a very creative guy, but recently my brain has been working overtime to fill my head with images that make me wish I didn't even know her.

 

Recently, everything I used to appreciate now just feels hollow and meaningless. When she tells me she loves me, I know it's true, but it just doesn't hold the same meaning when I remember that I'm the third guy she's said it to in the past year. I used to love making her squirm in bed, but then I lose all satisfaction when I remember that it's nothing she hasn't experienced with another guy.

 

Basically, nothing feels special to me anymore.

 

Anyways, to the main point. It recently crossed my mind that taking a break, and sleeping with others to even the playing field in terms of experience might allow me to get past this all. Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much to think of her with other people, if she wasn't the only one I'd had these experiences with.

 

I would really appreciate you guys were to weigh in on this. I hate to be melodramatic, but this is actually eating me up inside.

[Carrera]

Thanks for the replys everybody. Much appreciated.

 

You could be hypersensitive about her past sexual history because of your own lack in that area. But I think you have to really evaluate where the root of the problem lies.

 

If you're ultimately wanting to be equally as or more experienced than her, you're transferring a lot of your pain on to her by blaming her for something she cannot change, and turning her into a monstrous shrew. That doesn't seem very rational. Deep down, do you really think that being the sexual victor is the root of your problems? If you do choose to break off the relationship to go sleep around, what do you think your GF's reaction is going to be? Is she going to be fine with it, and do you think the relationship is going to be stronger because of your decision?

 

It isn't that I want to be more experienced than her, it really has little do with being the "victor". You are right though, it has caused me to feel a bit of resentment towards her, as I can't help but blame her for her past. Rationally of course I understand it's pretty shallow to do that, but I just can't get over it. Though it would crush her if I even took a break, I feel as though I owe it to her to get over my jealousy if it inhibits me from really committing to our relationship.

 

You say that as you grow closer, you have more and more of these thoughts. Could this be a way of pushing her out of your life...are you scared of the intimacy you're experiencing?

 

Is it possible that you are actually more concerned with her past lifestyle, rather than your lack of experience? It's OK if she's just not the girl for you...you're allowed to be with someone who you feel is a good match in all areas of life...including the bedroom.

 

I really wish I was just scared of the intimacy, it would probably be less stressful than dealing with jealousy. To be honest, her past isn't that bad, which almost makes it harder knowing that I'm being completely irrational and shouldn't even be having these problems.

[Carrera]

Have you talked to her about this? As a guy going through the same thing, I think that would be the first place to start (just make sure you are satisfied with her answers or you'll want to keep bringing it up and she will resent you for that). Other than that, what tends to work for me is to remember that there was something wrong with her past relationships. The very fact that she's with you now should tell you that you're the best she has ever had. If your current experiences with her feel empty simply because she has already experienced them then work on doing things that she hasn't experienced yet. Experiment, make her present reality so special that, in comparison, the past feels like nothing more than a footnote. And when your there, remind yourself how you got there. If the past hadn't of happened then you wouldn't be in the present. In many ways, I don't think you will never "get over" her past however I do think it is possible to reconcile it with her present.

 

I've talked to her about her relationship history, I haven't told her how much it bothers me. I feel that telling her how much her history upsets me would have little effect other than making her feel ashamed and guilty for her past.

 

Trying new things with her is definitely a good idea and something I've really been trying to do. Unfortunately, I die a little bit inside every time I think of something new to try and then remember she's already done it, or may have done it with another guy.

 

I guess I'm just going to sit down with her and really let her know how I feel. I doubt it will result in anything other than her feeling extremely bad, but I've got to at least try. Hopefully getting it off my chest will help...

[stillafool]

I think you should break up with her because you can't get over her past. It may take you years to come to term with it. I hope this is somewhat of a lesson for you. In the future you should find out about a woman's sexual past before you get involved with them because it's clear you want a girl with low numbers to 0.

[Chi townD]

I've talked to her about her relationship history, I haven't told her how much it bothers me. I feel that telling her how much her history upsets me would have little effect other than making her feel ashamed and guilty for her past.

 

Trying new things with her is definitely a good idea and something I've really been trying to do. Unfortunately, I die a little bit inside every time I think of something new to try and then remember she's already done it, or may have done it with another guy.

 

I guess I'm just going to sit down with her and really let her know how I feel. I doubt it will result in anything other than her feeling extremely bad, but I've got to at least try. Hopefully getting it off my chest will help...

 

 

Then make sure you let her know that what you're telling her isn't to make her feel bad. Because, your right. It's her past and there's nothing you or her can do to change it. But, you need to tell her how you feel and maybe you're just looking for reassurance that your the guy she wants to be with. and why?

[NoMagicBullet]

Trying new things with her is definitely a good idea and something I've really been trying to do. Unfortunately, I die a little bit inside every time I think of something new to try and then remember she's already done it, or may have done it with another guy.

 

I guess I'm just going to sit down with her and really let her know how I feel. I doubt it will result in anything other than her feeling extremely bad, but I've got to at least try. Hopefully getting it off my chest will help...

 

Yes, she will feel really bad. Getting it off your chest won't help her, your relationship, or necessarily even you. Talking about feelings can help, but it usually doesn't make them go away. If you need to talk about your obsession with her past, talk to a counselor or therapist -- someone who can be objective and help you get past this.

 

You seem to be taking the "new things in bed" aspect pretty hard. Although probably not common, it's possible for a person to have one or two lovers and by the next one, not have anything "new" to try. Tried and true isn't a bad thing if it's working for both of you.

 

I suggest not getting too hung up on doing new sexual things and try other new things together. Go somewhere new, do something new. Shared non-sexual experiences help people grow together as a couple and often result in the memories they cherish forever, whether they stay together or not.

[CC12]

Though it would crush her if I even took a break, I feel as though I owe it to her to get over my jealousy if it inhibits me from really committing to our relationship.

 

No, you don't "owe it to her" to break up with her temporarily so that you can sleep with other people. That is a terrible thing to do to someone you care about. If this is what you decide to do, please be honest with her and tell her exactly why you're breaking up with her so she can decide for herself if she wants to be there when you're finished evening the score.

 

Maybe your whole problem is that you're being extremely self-centered. Even though you know you're being irrational, you're still treating her as though everything she's ever done somehow relates to you. Can you try to readjust your thoughts from focusing on yourself and respect that she had a life before you and was free to make her own choices. And those choices have nothing to do with you or your present relationship.

 

I guess I'm just going to sit down with her and really let her know how I feel. I doubt it will result in anything other than her feeling extremely bad, but I've got to at least try. Hopefully getting it off my chest will help.

 

Here's another example of you being self-centered. "Welp, I know it's going to hurt her but I'm going to get it off my chest anyway because it might help me." Telling her will make her feel bad, and what do you expect her to do about it? This is not her problem, this is yours. Fix it on your own.

[drifter777]

Most men have some kind of negative reaction to their partners past, and there are certainly catagories of prior sexual activities that can bother us more than others. If you can catagorize the thing about her past that bothers you the most I think we can do a better job providing you with good feedback. SO, has your girlfriend had too many sexual partners for you? Has she had a lot of casual encounters? Has she participated in some "exotic" sex such as 3some's, many on one, etc. ?

 

There are things about a woman's past that can disqualify her as "marriage material" to a guy. If that's how you feel then maybe you should think of your relationship with her as fun, sexual romp. Over time you might change your mind and, if not, move along to someone else when you get bored with her. However, if it is simply the fact that she had sex with a few guys that she was in a long-term relationship with then I agree that you have a deeper problem that requires some counseling.

 

Finally, your idea of taking a break so that you can gain more sexual experience is deeply flawed. If you take this break I can guarantee you that she will have a LOT more sex with a LOT more partners than you will. Remember that it is much easier for her to hook up & get laid than it is for you. Needless to say, that will put you right back where you are now.

[RiverRunning]

Hi, OP. I'm a woman and I went through something similar with my ex.

 

We eventually broke up (more than 2 years of him making me feel like crap because he couldn't get over his ex, and when he finally did, I realized I just wasn't happy anymore feeling like I was going to be second fiddle the rest of my life), but we started out similarly to you and your girlfriend: he had been with one other woman and I was a virgin. The thoughts of him being with her tore me apart. He was the one who brought it up first, and for a while, I was so insecure that I kept asking questions. The answers to those questions made me feel MORE insecure. Finally, I was able to control the urge to get reassurance and stopped bringing her up entirely, but the damage was already done.

 

I had to really look into myself and figure out why I was so upset. And really, I didn't figure it out until our relationship was almost over. My boyfriend had started dating when he was 16 and dated a few girls out of state. None of his three exes before me were...attractive at all. One was on the rather thin side and I knew that was his preference. While my ex was not a looker really in the conventional sense, I thought he was the hottest thing on Earth, you know?

 

On the flip side, I have always been overweight. At one point, I was like...120+ pounds overweight (now about 40 pounds over). I grew up perpetually being rejected by men. I had largely gotten to the point where I repressed crushes and avoided interacting with guys, as I knew it would inevitably lead to me having a broken heart. By the time that I was 19, I was desperate for male attention and convinced that I was too 'ugly' and too 'fat' to be able to attract anyone. I met my first ex, and after knowing each other for only 2 or 3 weeks, we became exclusive.

 

It was a horrible pairing. He told me once that he liked that I was overweight because it meant that other men wouldn't be interested in me. I internalized that. We fooled around a little bit but never had sex, and even then it was me pleasing him 95% of the time. The whole appeal of the relationship to him was that I was so unattractive that I couldn't possibly cheat on him - he was very insecure. But even that wasn't enough, as my best friend's a gay man - a gay man my first ex had known about all along. My ex accused me of sleeping with my friend. End relationship.

 

So by the time I met my last ex, I was already having issues with men. My view of them was a rather bitter one. I was never able to get male attention and the only relationship I'd ever had was horrible, with my ex treating me like crap. Then Boyfriend #2 strolls along and he only has wonderful things to say about his exes (and too much to say about the second, which convinced me that he wasn't over her, along with tons of other things - like lying to me about his contact with her, keeping photos of her everywhere, telling me every single little thing they had ever done together, movies they had watched together, books she had introduced him to, etc.).

 

He had sex with the ex before me and he blabbed all about it. I often thought about cheating, leveling the playing field and feeling attractive to the opposite sex, something I have never really felt before. But when it came down to it...I just felt like crap about myself. I felt hideous (still do), so fat I could never possibly meet anyone else, let alone have sex with someone else even if I paid the guy, etc. I was envious of my boyfriend's relationship past and his sexual past because I felt that it made him better than me somehow.

 

Here he was able to go off and sleep with other people, and pathetic, ugly old me could only sleep with him (and this isn't entirely true - my first ex had wanted to sleep with me. Stupid me thought, "I want to wait for someone worthwhile." Lol...honestly, I think sex is just sex anymore).

 

That was the root of it for me. Now that I've broken up with him, I place a lot less importance on sex and honestly, I just treat it like something that people will do with anyone and anything at any time. I wouldn't, but I find that the less emphasis that I place on sex and when to have it and whom to have it with, the more empowered I feel. That's just me, though. And probably pretty screwed up.

 

I hope that you're able to get to the bottom of this. If this girl's worth it, it would be sad to see a relationship end because of this. But I also know it can be VERY tough not letting this really damage your relationship.

[lovehurtsbutworthit]

okay sleeping with others to help get over it will not work trust me tried it. so far as saying its meaningless because shes experienced it with 3 others!! dam man only 3 I've been with a girl who was on 50 (i have no permission to divulge her life but it was acceptable and understandable). maybe its due to lacking experience if you've only been with one person sex is incredibly different with every person you are with. its a whole new experience every time. and if you are determined to feel special with her do something she hasn't done trust me (only lost it 3 years ago and have discovered allot after my long term relationship broke up) it is so different with every person.

as far as picturing it, i've been with girls who have been raped (i have what my friend calls DIDS [damsel in distress syndrome] lo ) imagin picturing that when you are trying to enjoy yourself just relax and think of something else look into her eyes and relise only that moment exits.

i am in a serious relationship again for the first time in a year (had couple relationships friends with bennefits ect because i didn't no if i wanted a realtionship)

 

and to go onto going on a brake i did that because when me and my GF go together i had a few girls i was still seeing which my GF new about and when we became serious i ended with al of them. but unfortunatly cheated on a brake (only a kiss but it depressed me till i told her she understood and we resolved it) it doesnt HELP!!!

my GF has slept with nearly twice as many as me and i've been with several people (not proud) and i just ignore it when she talks about it and move on. hope all goes well man

[Ninjainpajamas]

There's no easy solution to this one.

 

1) You can stay with her, but you'll resent her, never really get over the fact that she was physically and emotionally attached to other men. And then the relationship will go up in flames because you'll start to lose respect for her until you solely see her for the actions of her past and that's all you see when you think about her.

 

2) You can leave her and let yourself grow up and get some more experience, this is not because you are a bad guy for feeling this way, most guys feel this way to an extent and there's really no way around it. You'll sleep with other women but won't be able to emotional invest and you'll just be breaking hearts just because of this ex.

 

Bottom line is as men we can't understand or relate to what's it's like being insecure and needing the validation and acceptance of a man to feel worthy. We don't think in terms of giving our all to some random person in hopes that the person will reciprocate and we'll feel secure and wanted. A lot of women struggle with this, It's the infamous daddy issues so to speak, but really you're going to be hard pressed to find a woman who isn't insecure in some way.

 

So you really need to understand this and view this from a different perspective, she didn't sleep with these men and be with these men because she thought how great it is to have sex and play the field...she did this because she wanted someone to settle down with her for who she was and she didn't want them to run away so she gave them everything she had. She didn't think about the next guy or the future like guys do, we look at the whole picture and build our self-confidence of how many women we've been with, or we could be with, or who we can sleep with...whether she's hot and desirable or difficult, stuff like that is what makes us feel "manly".

 

But a woman's perspective is much more emotional, all she thinks about is being with you, not those other guys...she's locked in a moment and could care less about those other men and experiences because right now is what is most important to her. She wants to do anything to make you happy and for you to love her, and because that is her nature you resent her for it...because as men we cannot relate to that emotional experience, we cannot understand why women make the choices they do because we feel vulnerability in a different way.

 

If you leave her she will hurt, but hurt she has been through before. If you're not ready to be with her then you're not ready...it's not a matter of leveling the stats or coming out on top with partners, but If you're not ready and you need that for yourself as a man, then that's a path you must walk alone.

 

Make the best decision for the relationship, consider her feelings...you anger/resentment blinds you and narrows your vision, you focus on something that is not present or real, this is ultimately your issue and If you cannot come to terms with it is best to walk away rather than scorn a woman...I can assure you they have enough to deal with on their own with themselves and their own insecurity.

 

Oh and If you're a young guy early 20's, I wouldn't jump into something you're not comfortable with yet. Stay out of relationships for a while, date older women, gain some experience, play the field a little bit and have some light romances with women that aren't necessarily looking for a relationship and just a good time, and be honest and upfront about that. But this whole brake thing or hoping she'll just stay put while you do is very bad idea and cause a lot of damage to her, that's very selfish. Once you move on from this you disconnect and move on, let her be...hate to say this but she'll find someone else...she might not be the type of girl you want to be with. Don't get sucked in to her desire to settle down or be committed If you're not ready for it, insecure women cling onto men like wild children wanting your attention, many are just looking for someone to accept them, and that's not responsibility but it doesn't give you the right to take advantage of that, I'm sure she does love you regardless of this.

 

The question is: Do you love her enough? Want to be with her enough, mature and confident enough in yourself to want to be with her anyway...even IF you have to live with the fact that may always bother you to some degree...forever.

Edited March 16, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[Desensitized]

There's no easy solution to this one.

 

1) You can stay with her, but you'll resent her, never really get over the fact that she was physically and emotionally attached to other men. And then the relationship will go up in flames because you'll start to lose respect for her until you solely see her for the actions of her past and that's all you see when you think about her.

 

2) You can leave her and let yourself grow up and get some more experience, this is not because you are a bad guy for feeling this way, most guys feel this way to an extent and there's really no way around it. You'll sleep with other women but won't be able to emotional invest and you'll just be breaking hearts just because of this ex.

 

Bottom line is as men we can't understand or relate to what's it's like being insecure and needing the validation and acceptance of a man to feel worthy. We don't think in terms of giving our all to some random person in hopes that the person will reciprocate and we'll feel secure and wanted. A lot of women struggle with this, It's the infamous daddy issues so to speak, but really you're going to be hard pressed to find a woman who isn't insecure in some way.

 

So you really need to understand this and view this from a different perspective, she didn't sleep with these men and be with these men because she thought how great it is to have sex and play the field...she did this because she wanted someone to settle down with her for who she was and she didn't want them to run away so she gave them everything she had. She didn't think about the next guy or the future like guys do, we look at the whole picture and build our self-confidence of how many women we've been with, or we could be with, or who we can sleep with...whether she's hot and desirable or difficult, stuff like that is what makes us feel "manly".

 

But a woman's perspective is much more emotional, all she thinks about is being with you, not those other guys...she's locked in a moment and could care less about those other men and experiences because right now is what is most important to her. She wants to do anything to make you happy and for you to love her, and because that is her nature you resent her for it...because as men we cannot relate to that emotional experience, we cannot understand why women make the choices they do because we feel vulnerability in a different way.

 

If you leave her she will hurt, but hurt she has been through before. If you're not ready to be with her then you're not ready...it's not a matter of leveling the stats or coming out on top with partners, but If you're not ready and you need that for yourself as a man, then that's a path you must walk alone.

 

Make the best decision for the relationship, consider her feelings...you anger/resentment blinds you and narrows your vision, you focus on something that is not present or real, this is ultimately your issue and If you cannot come to terms with it is best to walk away rather than scorn a woman...I can assure you they have enough to deal with on their own with themselves and their own insecurity.

 

Oh and If you're a young guy early 20's, I wouldn't jump into something you're not comfortable with yet. Stay out of relationships for a while, date older women, gain some experience, play the field a little bit and have some light romances with women that aren't necessarily looking for a relationship and just a good time, and be honest and upfront about that. But this whole brake thing or hoping she'll just stay put while you do is very bad idea and cause a lot of damage to her, that's very selfish. Once you move on from this you disconnect and move on, let her be...hate to say this but she'll find someone else...she might not be the type of girl you want to be with. Don't get sucked in to her desire to settle down or be committed If you're not ready for it, insecure women cling onto men like wild children wanting your attention, many are just looking for someone to accept them, and that's not responsibility but it doesn't give you the right to take advantage of that, I'm sure she does love you regardless of this.

 

The question is: Do you love her enough? Want to be with her enough, mature and confident enough in yourself to want to be with her anyway...even IF you have to live with the fact that may always bother you to some degree...forever.

 

Thank you for this, really. I assume you've been through a similar issue as the OP?

"But a woman's perspective is much more emotional, all she thinks about is being with you, not those other guys...she's locked in a moment and could care less about those other men and experiences because right now is what is most important to her."

This. And this. I hate to thread jack, but this was always an issue I had. My ex always told me that she never thinks about the guys she was with, and only me. She only loves me and could give a sh*t about her exes. But I don't know, I guess I never accepted that. I found it hard to believe that anyone could completely negate all of the people in their past from their minds. Just didn't make sense to me. She has to think about them from time to time, right? And I guess that was the part that always killed me the most. Knowing that I will always be just another guy she's with. Another number.

[RiverRunning]

Desensitized, I hear you on that. Am I seriously the only woman around here who has ever had RJ?...

 

The fact that I knew that my ex would ALWAYS remember the times he had sex with his ex (and fondly, unfortunately for me, since he recalled some stories of their time together with a big ol' smile on his face...ouch) and in some sense I would ALWAYS be connected to her in that we'd both slept with him really hurt me. I was just #2 in the train. Then again, now there's a chance that I may someday be able to sleep with somebody else (who knows...I'll probably wind up going back to my ex someday...), maybe I'll see how foolish I was to be so upset and to feel so secondary, so unwanted, so..."number two" to his ex-girlfriend.

 

Realistically, being with a guy in his mid-to-late 20s who had only banged one other girl shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. I know that as I continue going through life now especially, I'll meet guys who have a few past partners, several past partners...possibly dozens.

 

In retrospect, I think I could have eventually worked my way through the feelings and issues I had with his past sex life. I think what bothered me most was that he brought all of those feelings and that baggage into our relationship. The fact that he was not a virgin was no secret when I met him. But the fact that it appeared to be important to him started eating away at me.

 

He told me too that it 'didn't matter' anymore and it 'wasn't important' but I just couldn't accept it. Maybe it was his behavior or maybe it was just my own insecurities, but I just couldn't believe him.

 

Now that I'm "on the market" again so to speak, I talk to guys and realize how many of them are absolute garbage. I mean...REAL garbage. The kinds of guys who pretend they're looking for something serious, but really you know they're just looking for the next easy lay. Makes me miss the comfort and security of having a monogamous, long-term guy right there.

 

...Even though the sex was rubbish.

...Even with the ex drama.

 

I'd like to believe that the gender stereotypes around sex are true, but men assign emotions to sex like anybody else. Look at our OP here. Some do it for the emotional closeness and the love just like women typically do. And of course, some women are out to screw just to screw, no feelings attached.

 

Maybe that was what really hurt - my ex was in love with her and that showed through whenever he talked about her, including the sex they had.

[Desensitized]

RiverRunning,

 

You are not the only woman that has RJ, trust me. I know a couple of other women that have it too.

 

The fact that I knew that my ex would ALWAYS remember the times he had sex with his ex (and fondly, unfortunately for me, since he recalled some stories of their time together with a big ol' smile on his face...ouch)

I hear ya on that. One time, I asked the question on whether my girlfriend at the time did anal with any other guys besides me. She said, "yeah. once." And stupidly, I asked the question of who it was. She didn't want to say, but I named off a couple of guys and eventually, I mentioned one of my friends that she had sex with as well. She said, "oh, god no. He's too big." I was like... wow. did she really just say that? I should've never asked that question. My ego was crushed when she said that and I just wanted to leave her house asap. I was pissed. But I guess it was my fault for asking that stupid question, but at the same time, I want to know who my girlfriend has been with. I don't want my potential life partner to be the girl that everyone has been with.

 

and in some sense I would ALWAYS be connected to her in that we'd both slept with him really hurt me.

Hmm. I've never really thought about it that way. But I can see what you mean. I can see what you mean about being connected to the other woman though. I guess I sort of experienced the same thing. Considering the girl i was with was my fiancee at the time, I knew the possibility of having a family with her was an option. I know this sounds silly, but I always thought that considering she's been with so many guys, what happens if we were to have kids and some of the remaining sperm from the other guys mixed with my sperm and part of the other guys' DNA fertilized her as well? I know it's illogical and stupid, but my mind was being irrational.

 

Realistically, being with a guy in his mid-to-late 20s who had only banged one other girl shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. I know that as I continue going through life now especially, I'll meet guys who have a few past partners, several past partners...possibly dozens.

Yeah... i would say you should try working it out with your ex if the RJ was the only thing wrong with the relationship, to be honest. I know it's hard to get over something like this, but at least he didn't bang 20, 30, or 40 guys like my ex did. I think I would be able to be with my ex if she just slept with 1 other guy besides me. But this isn't about me, and I understand, and we all feel differently about stuff like this. So maybe you could potentially try talking to a professional about your feelings on the subject?

 

In retrospect, I think I could have eventually worked my way through the feelings and issues I had with his past sex life. I think what bothered me most was that he brought all of those feelings and that baggage into our relationship. The fact that he was not a virgin was no secret when I met him. But the fact that it appeared to be important to him started eating away at me.

How did he bring his feelings into the relationship? Was he constantly bringing his ex up, or did it seem that he just wasn't over her? If it was any of the above, then yeah, I understand why it bothered you so much. My ex was like this in our very early stages of dating and I finally told her to shut the f*ck up about her exes already. She did, and she never brought them up again. At least, not as frequent. Maybe every now and then, but I would remind her that I don't want to hear it.

 

He told me too that it 'didn't matter' anymore and it 'wasn't important' but I just couldn't accept it. Maybe it was his behavior or maybe it was just my own insecurities, but I just couldn't believe him.

I hear you on that too. My ex constantly told me that I was all that mattered. But her actions said otherwise. I asked her like a million times to take her pictures of her and her ex off of Facebook, and to store away or even throw away her memories she had with all these other guys, but she never did. Her excuse for not doing it was that she was always busy... yeah, bull****. Fact is, actions speak louder than words, and her actions indicated that she wanted to keep her exes in the present.

 

I'd like to believe that the gender stereotypes around sex are true, but men assign emotions to sex like anybody else. Look at our OP here. Some do it for the emotional closeness and the love just like women typically do. And of course, some women are out to screw just to screw, no feelings attached.

Yeah, I can honestly say that the first time I had sex, I did it just to experience what it was like. However, I didn't like the feeling of just screwing for the sake of screwing. Made me feel dirty and *****y afterwards. I don't know how some people can screw just to screw *shrug*

 

Maybe that was what really hurt - my ex was in love with her and that showed through whenever he talked about her, including the sex they had.

Yeah, I think this was the main problem for both of us. I knew my ex really had feelings for these guys because, for one, I was there for her when she was breaking up with her ex and I knew how much that guy meant to her. Why? Well, she would talk to me about it when we were just friends, and I had to be there for her when she had to cry. The fact that my ex also had a lifesize picture of her ex on her bedroom wall also hurt a lot, with a caption reading: I love you. Try having to look at that every day.

[Eddie Edirol]

Carerra, here is a guarantee I can give you. If you break his off to go sleep with other women, your gf will not wait for you. She is not going to want to see you sleeping around just to get over your own insecurity, she will know its not her problem.

 

This will be the ultimate turnoff for her, and she will not want to be with someone who feels he has to one up her sexually to make things right. its an immature way to think. She will think you are making an excuse to break up with her to date other women, no matter what you say.

 

If you are prepared to lose her for good, then go ahead and break it off. but know this, all the women you go to sleep with will have a sexual past, and anyone you think is special will have a past. You will have to learn how to find other things special to show them other than sexual.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Carerra, here is a guarantee I can give you. If you break his off to go sleep with other women, your gf will not wait for you. She is not going to want to see you sleeping around just to get over your own insecurity, she will know its not her problem.

This will be the ultimate turnoff for her, and she will not want to be with someone who feels he has to one up her sexually to make things right. its an immature way to think. She will think you are making an excuse to break up with her to date other women, no matter what you say.

 

Why not? If it was important for her to one up him... why should she complain if the tables were turned?

 

Perhaps if she isn't insecure she can handle him getting up to the same experience level. In fact it will probably make him a more confident and better lover... she should be excited to have him engage in this!

 

[CarrieT]

It recently crossed my mind that taking a break, and sleeping with others to even the playing field in terms of experience might allow me to get past this all. Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much to think of her with other people, if she wasn't the only one I'd had these experiences with.

 

This is the silliest thing I can think of. Do you honestly believe that "leveling the playing field" is going to make YOU feel better about your girlfriend's past?

 

Wrong, wrong, wrong...

 

Like others in this thread have said, it seems obvious you are not ready for a long-term relationship and your best route would be to end the relationship and not beat up your girlfriend for her experiences. They are YOUR issues, not hers.

[Dusk1983]

But a woman's perspective is much more emotional, all she thinks about is being with you, not those other guys...she's locked in a moment and could care less about those other men and experiences because right now is what is most important to her.

 

 

Maybe at first, but overall girls are actually much more judgemental and comparative than guys when it comes to matters of sex. There's a post here all the time from a girl who's found a great stable guy, but still wishes the sex was hotter/rougher/more passionate like they had with their unstable douchebag ex.

 

Women are the ones with a laundry list of preferences and secret bodily quirks you need to learn. Women are the ones who evaluate sex in terms of quality - only they really experience bad sex, and the more experience under that belt the more they really know the difference.

 

Just because a girl has fallen for you doesn't mean she will never miss the sex she had with a previous lover, that one hot and confident guy that really worked her out. She might not love him anymore - she might even hate him - but in a purely sexual domain she most certainly WILL judge everyone against his standard in the bedroom. Every girl has at least one guy like this in her past - he's that guy.

 

In general - this notion that women are unable to separate the sexual from the emotional is really just outdated and deluded guff spouted by men to assuage their own insecurities and deep mistrust of female sexuality.

Edited March 20, 2012 by Dusk1983

[Trimmer]

Why not? If it was important for her to one up him... why should she complain if the tables were turned?

What????? Where did you get that it was "important for her to one up him"??? The OP is obsessing about her past, before they were together - it couldn't have been important for her to "one-up" him, because he wasn't even in her life then... Maybe I missed something - can you point out in the OP's posts where you got this impression?

 

I've talked to her about her relationship history, I haven't told her how much it bothers me. I feel that telling her how much her history upsets me would have little effect other than making her feel ashamed and guilty for her past.

Um, why should she be ashamed and guilty about having sexual partners before you? Those are your feelings about her past, and you are projecting them on her. A healthy person would generally feel like one's sexual past is a part of one's past, (both one's own sexual past, and one's partner's sexual past, which is certainly a factor here...) but unless there is something wrong with enjoying sex (do you think there is?) then you can't know that she would feel ashamed and guilty.

 

I guess I'm just going to sit down with her and really let her know how I feel. I doubt it will result in anything other than her feeling extremely bad, but I've got to at least try. Hopefully getting it off my chest will help...

If she's a healthy, balanced person, be prepared for the possiblity that she will not be ashamed and guilty about her own past. She may feel bad about the fact that you are having trouble with it, but you need to own that; don't expect your problems to translate into shame and guilt on her part. She doesn't deserve to feel shame at her past because you are having trouble coming to terms with it.

 

It isn't that I want to be more experienced than her, it really has little do with being the "victor".

If it's not about being more experienced than her, then it's probably not about your relative experience levels at all - it seems like it's about the fact that she has any other experience. So I think it is highly unlikely that you going out and "balancing the scales" is going to have any positive effect - I think you would be fooling yourself to think that.

 

Taking a break to sleep around and balance the accounts isn't likely to make you feel better about her past. It is likely to make you feel worse about yourself.

 

 

You are right though, it has caused me to feel a bit of resentment towards her, as I can't help but blame her for her past.

 

To be honest, her past isn't that bad...

I think that one cornerstone of your problem is that you have some kind of shame/guilt issues yourself around sex. This talk of "blaming her for her past" sounds so weird - if you can't help blaming her, that tells us you feel like she's done something wrong. You think it's wrong of her to have a sexual past. You think sex is somehow wrong. Even though you admit that her past isn't that bad, your statement clearly implies that it's still bad, and that any sexual past is bad, it's just a matter of degree how bad.

 

I think this is a problem you have with sex in general - you are having a problem looking at sex (and someone's sexual past) as a normal part of their life and their development (your own, even?)

 

Man, I guarantee you, you're not going to solve that by going out and sleeping around.