Am I A Loser If I Can't Forgive????

[Linlin]

My H had an affair with a good friend of ours. At the present time, our house is for sale and we are both still living in it with our 2 small children due to financial reasons.

 

The last couple of days my H has shown remorse for the first time about it. He is even starting to bad mouth the one he had the affair with. He says that he is starting to she her for what she really is and that she is a take, where as he admits I am a giver.

 

Basically he says that the reason the affair happen was because I am a "superwoman" and can work full time and run the whole show. I realize that this is a fault of mine. He didn't feel needed and when someone "weak" pursued him, he went for it.

 

He has asked me in the last couple of days that am I sure that I want to sell the house. (The house needs to go because it is a financial drain plus I want to set myself up somewhere I know that I can afford if it doesn't work out). Also, he wants to go to counselling now together ( we have both gone individually) and that I can start taking my pound of flesh from him in the sessions and he will take it. I have maintained since I found this out, that I would go to counselling with him to see if this is fix able only when we are in separate houses, that way if we are angry at the sessions, we can both cool down and reflect away from each other.

 

My question is this...I know that I can be a bit of a perfectionist, so am I weak, unforgiving, giving up, throwing in the towel if I can't forgive him. I know I don't like to admit defeat, but to forgive him just for that sake of working it out can't be right? Am I a bad person because I can't forgive???

 

It would have been easier to forgive if it had been a stranger. The two of them have done so many sneaky, lying, hurtful, crappy dishonest things to me to snow me and carry on the affair. They are far too numerous for even me to list. We are taking about family vacation together, me watching her kids, etc..all so they could carry on together.

 

The other problem is, she still wants him but hasn't made up her mind whether she is leaving her H yet. I think she wants her cake and wants to eat it too. Her H is devastated but will do anything to keep her so he is tolerating her antics right now. She is trying to still cause trouble between my H and I but I won't by into it. I have told her that she is welcome to him and if he wants he can go to her. He is staying here with me right now and is now talking about counselling, etc.

 

But, he also refuses to cut contact with her. Unfortunately, our kids are in the same class, we live near each other, etc so seeing each other isn't far to do. I definitely think that I should not attempt counselling till he does this. She is devious and persistent so it may take a restraining order. I don't know if he has the balls to follow through and do this.

 

Sorry to ramble, but I am struggling with the forgiveness thing. Am I seen as weak if I do and am I a miserable person or failure if I don't want to or can't????

[uriel]

If he won't cut contact with her, then he's not really serious about honoring you and staying in the marriage. You're right to set up a financial situation that you can sustain if you two split up. It's good that you are willing to seek counseling and attempt to work through this, given your two small children. But, as the one who wandered, he has to make some sacrifices right away to show his heart is in the right place.

 

That means no contact with her, complete honesty with you, and accountability for where he is and what he's up to at all times. He should give you access to his phone records, email, etc. You should be allowed to check these at random. If he wants to rebuild trust, it has to start there, because he's been a liar and betrayed your familiy. Eventually, you'd be able to give him back his privacy and full adult privileges. Not now.

 

I'm concerned that he strayed over a self-esteem issue: him feeling unneeded and like less of a man because you are so capable. Sounds like he needs to mature further. I'd suggest individual counseling for him in addition to couple's counseling for the two of you.

 

No -- in the end, you're not a failure if you leave this situation. He broke your marriage vows. You ought to give it some time to see whether that's what you really want. However, whether this situation can be worked through will depend on him -- his behavior and progress -- as much as your ability to forgive. He strayed because the relationship wasn't working for him. Was it working for you?

 

-- uriel

[Pyrannaste]

You don't *have* to forgive someone.

You are not a loser or a weak person if you don't *feel* like forgiving someone.

Nobody should ever take the wronged person's forgiveness for granted *only because they feel sorry about it*.

Nobody should ever feel pressured to forgive someone else.

 

Also, forgiving someone is not just something you decide ....like buying a new car.

You have to *feel* it.

If later in time you'll feel like forgiving him, fine.

If you won't, fine. You won't be a bad person because of this.

 

besides,

The last couple of days my H has shown remorse for the first time about it.

 

he only started showing remorse a couple of days ago?

Take your time. If you'll ever *feel* like forgiving him, it will probably take you weeks or months. It's not like someone shows he is sorry and he gets immediately, automatically forgiven.

He'll have to *earn* your forgiveness and gain back your trust.

He might manage it and he might not.

 

But, he also refuses to cut contact with her.

 

He *should* cut contact. If he really cares for your marriage and for you, he should understand he has to stop seeing her/hearing from her.

 

I also agree with *everything* Uriel wrote.

[Matilda]

Originally posted by Linlin

 

Basically he says that the reason the affair happen was because I am a "superwoman" and can work full time and run the whole show. I realize that this is a fault of mine.

 

This is a fault? That you are a competent person?

 

My question is this...I know that I can be a bit of a perfectionist, so am I weak, unforgiving, giving up, throwing in the towel if I can't forgive him. I know I don't like to admit defeat, but to forgive him just for that sake of working it out can't be right? Am I a bad person because I can't forgive???

 

I don't think you're a bad person when you can't forgive. Some things are unforgivable. I think for your own sanity, and your continuing relationship with your children's father, you will need to come to terms with this in some way. I'm not sure that's forgiveness so much, as it is moving on with your life, and regaining your self-esteem. Whatever happens you will need to get to a place with this situation where you can see your husband and not have a rush of hurt feelings, since you will continue to have a relationship through your children.

 

I think this is all too new and fresh really for forgiveness. I think at some point down the road, you will come to terms with this. Like most things, it takes time.

 

Would it be possible to move away from the area where this couple lives?

[Linlin]

Thanks for the comments

 

I feel that are relationship wasn't necessarily working but I didn't feel it was that bad. I felt that we were typically like all the others we know our age; building careers, young children who need attention, car and house payments, etc. The tough years. It wasn't perfect but it was horrible. His main complaint was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough attention so when someone else paid attention he went. My complaints were; not helping with the kids, not helping with the housework, not making dinners, etc. while I am the main bread winner, but I thought that it was a phase in our lives.

 

I can't move from them. It is a small town. I have grown up in this town and my whole family is here for support. I work 15 minutes from my house. She and her husband have only lived her 7 years and have no family here. I think her H may be encouraging her to move to a near by town but out of this one. My H is going to move to a nearby town and out of this one when the house sells since he is embarrassed about what he did and is ashamed to face anyone. He has not spoken to and avoids everyone in my family since this happened. Once our house sells, I have my eye on another one which will mean that the children will then attend different schools. In any case, if we still are stuck at the same school in Sept., I have asked the principal to put our children in different classes to help avoid contact with them.

[Unlucky In Love]

I am a feminist. I won't deny it. I think that when our husband's cheat on us, we should cheat on them. One get out of jail free card. I think you would be able to get over the resentment, if you gave yourself the opportunity to enjoy yourself with another man. That is equality. That is how we need to teach our men to be faithful.

 

I think you should discuss this with your counsellor, it's only fair and it would put you both on equal footing. After you have had your fun, then you and your husband should commit again to a relationship.

 

Right now, he's taken the opportunity to break the commitment and you're supposed to just accept that and move on. Uh, uh, an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth!

[DazednConfused]

Dear Unlucky;

 

While I can certainly understand your viewpoint, as a man who was cheated on while remaining faithful, I think you are wrong.

 

You can't make things right by committing another wrong, especially if you love your spouse. I feel absolutely wrecked by what my wife did to me, but I would not wish her to experience the same pain I have felt. How incredibly cruel.

 

I spend some time on the road, and am not unnattractive, the opportunity has arisen more than once. While all men are pigs (myself included), some of us can control those tendencies and achieve a sort of pride in that fact.

 

Anyway, I see where you are coming from, just can't advocate such a selfish position.

[mendingmyheart04]

Your ability to forgive your wife is admirable. However, do you have a plan in place in case you find out she does this again? What would you do? How can you trust her again?

[DazednConfused]

On the second day after I found out, I made her sign a contract. It basically says that if she ever enters into an adulterous affair, that she gives up her rights to having me as her partner, and that she accepts the FACT that there will be no more chances. It also states that our marriage will end in divorce and she will be out on her ear.

I have contacted my lawyer, and now have a much better understanding of what I will be up against if I do need to divorce her. I have been very clear about what happens if it happens again, and that I have done the things that I have. I am not making any secret that I have been badly shaken, nor offered any guarantees that we will even get past this horrible chapter in our lives. I do know, however, that I will forever regret it if I don't face this thing head on and do my best to resolve it. My motto thru life is "I never lose", it has served me well so far, and I am not afraid of the work.

Again, she did a dumb thing. She doesn't deserve me. I didn't deserve the heartache she has caused. In the grand scheme of things though, we were very happy together for 16 years. If I wasn't absolutely sure we can be happy again, I would not bother. It won't be easy, not by a long-shot, but I think it will be worth it.

This woman and I have built a life of beating the odds; we can do it again.

[Summerday]

Dazednconfused, why can't all men think like you. I was unfaithful to a boyfriend of only 4 years. This was the biggest mistake I ever made, and I know it will never happen again. I saw the hurt and pain in his eyes, and having to live with the heartache I caused him has been the most difficult experience of my life. This is a scar I will live with forever, and I did it to myself.

If your wife feels remorse, and regret the way I did, and still do, she will do whatever she can to gain your trust, and prove to you she loves you and you only.

[mendingmyheart04]

You made her sign a contract? She’ll be out on her ear? I’m glad you’ve spoken with an attorney and have a better understanding of what you can and can’t do.

 

Do you consider yourself a “control” freak? I understand that she has to earn your trust again but I wonder if you’re the type of guy who is going to be watching her every move which may end up stifling her. You’re a better man than most I think if you’re forgiving her for the right reasons….not just because you “never lose”. It’s not a game.

[DazednConfused]

Dear Mending,

 

You seem to be of the impression that I don't think things through, or consider consequences. I made her sign a contract, yes. I also ran off another copy and signed the same contract myself. You see, I expect nothing of anyone that I don't first expect of myself.

 

Yup, I will be watching her every move for quite some time to come. She is aware, and has no problem with it. People only get stifled if trapped in a situation they don't want, she has made it clear what she wants and will take whatever steps needed. You see, It does not bother me if anyone asks where I have been or what I've been doing unless I have done something to be ashamed of. Maybe you need to ask yourself the same thing. Have you ever felt stifled in a fulfilling situation??

 

Oh my god, of course this is not a game, sheeeeeesh! This is a train wreck between my wife and myself. (not to mention our daughter) The reason I never lose is because I fear very little and will put my will up against just about anything. My wife has just as much fortitude.

 

Lol, control freak? Nooooooooo, quite the opposite in fact. We are grown-ups in this relationship, and partners in life. Nothing happens in this marriage without mutual consent and consideration, financially, career, parenting, recreation. Until this happened, I was quite possibly the happiest man alive with my situation in life.

[mendingmyheart04]

Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply you don’t think things through.

 

 

I agree that that if a person is fulfilled they won’t feel stifled...but also a fulfilled and happy spouse doesn’t cheat. It sounds like your wife has true remorse for what she did, but did she tell you WHY she cheated? Or, does she even know?

 

 

And, how did your daughter find out about this? I found out that my mother had cheated on my father when I was twelve and it had a devastating effect on me for years when it came to how I viewed marriage. You may want to consider getting your dauther some counseling as well.

 

 

Like you, my life is an open book in terms of what I do…anyone can ask me anything and get an honest answer however I’ve found that some people just want to control other people…like they “own” them or something.