Single and looking ladies, and options

[zengirl]

This sounds great. Mind me asking how you managed to pull yourself out of the zone? As terrible as it sounds, I've been in a new country for over a freakin' YEAR and ALL of my friends (yes, all), are fellow immigrants from my home country. :/ I would love to get to know the Caucasians here, but I just feel so weird around them. Different accent, different culture, I'm never sure if what I'm doing is okay or faux pas. And the college culture seems to be so much about drinking - I tried attending a few college events but they ALL turned out to be drinking, even the LAN gaming party was R18!! So I felt really uncomfortable and wandered away.

 

Most of my friends in other countries were expats (not all or even mostly American, but other Western countries), though I made some friends from the countries I lived in. Cultural differences are tough. I would say you just have to try to be as educated about the culture as you can (Western culture it actually matters WAY less than Asian cultures, where it's easier to make a faux pas that is more crucial still, I feel) and then let go of the worries and just go with it.

 

I drink (not like tons) and definitely drank a lot more when I was an expat (it's kind of what expats do in Korea and Japan) so not sure how to deal with the drinking vs. not drinking. I will say I'm never critical or uncomfortable of non-drinkers and there are people in my circle that don't drink but will still hang at a beer bar or whatever, but I'm not sure if you are adamantly against drinking or whatnot. I wouldn't feel socially conscious about not drinking. I've gone to plenty of bars and not had a drink due to an early morning or driving or whatnot.

 

I think the problem is that it's often easier with a friend or two to start you off. Like, both of you try to join a new club together and make new friends together. Whereas if you're doing it alone, you often feel left out and awkward. I do, at least.

 

Yes, though through meetup and stuff there are plenty of other people who feel awkward and alone, IME. And most people want to incorporate newcomers. You just kind of have to dive in.

[somedude81]

You'd know what he looked like after exchanging pics, or skyping.

 

And I know several people who met and married after making online connections! Long distance, even!

 

V, many men here have expressed interest. You always have a reason that their interest doesn't count.

I figure she's just not interested in a long distance thing and that makes perfect sense.

[Els]

Most of my friends in other countries were expats (not all or even mostly American, but other Western countries), though I made some friends from the countries I lived in. Cultural differences are tough. I would say you just have to try to be as educated about the culture as you can (Western culture it actually matters WAY less than Asian cultures, where it's easier to make a faux pas that is more crucial still, I feel) and then let go of the worries and just go with it.

 

I guess the thing is that it's easier to offend Asians, but it's still easy to seem like a weird dolt in Western society. Like, after each conversation with a Caucasian, I scroll back in my mind and can think of LOTS of things I said/did that must have seemed absolutely weird. Not to mention that a good part of each convo tends to be punctuated with 'pardon me?'s on both sides. I swear it's not MY accent that's the problem, it's the goddamn Kiwis. :laugh:

 

I drink (not like tons) and definitely drank a lot more when I was an expat (it's kind of what expats do in Korea and Japan) so not sure how to deal with the drinking vs. not drinking. I will say I'm never critical or uncomfortable of non-drinkers and there are people in my circle that don't drink but will still hang at a beer bar or whatever, but I'm not sure if you are adamantly against drinking or whatnot. I wouldn't feel socially conscious about not drinking. I've gone to plenty of bars and not had a drink due to an early morning or driving or whatnot.

 

I don't mind a glass or two over dinner, but I feel very uncomfortable in a drinking spree where people actually get high and act as such. So even if I go to bars with friends, I go with friends whom I know aren't going to GET drunk.

 

Yes, though through meetup and stuff there are plenty of other people who feel awkward and alone, IME. And most people want to incorporate newcomers. You just kind of have to dive in.

 

Do you find that people approach you, or you have to approach them?

[verhrzn]

You'd know what he looked like after exchanging pics, or skyping.

 

And I know several people who met and married after making online connections! Long distance, even!

 

V, many men here have expressed interest. You always have a reason that their interest doesn't count.

 

Because it's anonymous forum posters. Happy to hear marriages like that worked out for your acquaintances, but I've been on the Internet long enough to know that the majority of us are goats. (Meaning you have very little control or way to verify who in the world you're talking to.) Very creepy sh*t can go down online, and the less security there is in place, the less I really want to chance it.

 

Frankly, I think "lives within 40-50 miles of me" and "not an anonymous forum poster" are pretty legitimate reasons for why I'd just not really pay attention to a "hey you seem cool" message.

[USMCHokie]

Because it's anonymous forum posters. Happy to hear marriages like that worked out for your acquaintances, but I've been on the Internet long enough to know that the majority of us are goats. (Meaning you have very little control or way to verify who in the world you're talking to.) Very creepy sh*t can go down online, and the less security there is in place, the less I really want to chance it.

 

Frankly, I think "lives within 40-50 miles of me" and "not an anonymous forum poster" are pretty legitimate reasons for why I'd just not really pay attention to a "hey you seem cool" message.

 

No balls...

[Els]

Because it's anonymous forum posters. Happy to hear marriages like that worked out for your acquaintances, but I've been on the Internet long enough to know that the majority of us are goats. (Meaning you have very little control or way to verify who in the world you're talking to.) Very creepy sh*t can go down online, and the less security there is in place, the less I really want to chance it.

 

Frankly, I think "lives within 40-50 miles of me" and "not an anonymous forum poster" are pretty legitimate reasons for why I'd just not really pay attention to a "hey you seem cool" message.

 

It's fine that you don't want an LDR, I was merely referring to your claim that 'you tried OLD and nobody paid you any interest'.

 

I'm really curious what 'security' issues you're even worried about. If you don't accept executable files from people, don't give out personal information anywhere and have a decent firewall and antivirus up, the guy has gotta be a really good hacker to get anything off of you. And no offense, but the people who are usually have better things to do with their time. I've been around the internet for over 16 years and can put up some decent hacks myself - nothing can happen to you as long as you practice decent common sense, and answering a message isn't going to open you up to a security attack...

[ThaWholigan]

Good god, I'm sure I read a thread just like this about 2 weeks ago

 

No new ground tread then.....

[verhrzn]

Yes. I work with Aspies, so I've done it even in an extreme spectrum. But I've polished my own social skills over the years too!

 

I don't know if you can do it from a book. Some books might help, like the Dale Carnegie books, but it's mostly just practice.

 

So if you can't learn it from books, how can someone without social skills improve them?

 

 

When I was single and needed more friends, I went to dozens of different meetups (book clubs, girls clubs, game clubs, volunteer clubs, environmental clubs, active clubs, etc---anything halfway decent in my age range). You just get out and do things. I think being an expat was my social butterfly training---you have to be very proactive to make friends when most people don't speak your language, and you get used to it. I used to be TERRIBLE at it but am now really great at it, so change can happen for sure. You just have to push yourself WAY out of your comfort zone.

 

Are those all legitimately things you were interested in? This might be part of my "problem" but I only do things I'm interested in.... and most of the meet-ups I've seen are not things I'm interested in.

 

This is also a difference I've noticed between myself and other people. Other people will do activities purely for the sake of meeting people, or will only do activities when there is someone else along. I do activities for the sake of those activities, and people are very secondary to my enjoyment. (Which also means if I don't like the activity, the people won't be enough to make up for my lack of enjoyment.)

 

I'm probably just an introvert and a misanthrope, which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing, but it sure seems as if I need to be something else to find a relationship.

[sid3]

Because it's anonymous forum posters. Happy to hear marriages like that worked out for your acquaintances, but I've been on the Internet long enough to know that the majority of us are goats. (Meaning you have very little control or way to verify who in the world you're talking to.) Very creepy sh*t can go down online, and the less security there is in place, the less I really want to chance it.

 

Frankly, I think "lives within 40-50 miles of me" and "not an anonymous forum poster" are pretty legitimate reasons for why I'd just not really pay attention to a "hey you seem cool" message.

 

Hey you seem cool

[verhrzn]

It's fine that you don't want an LDR, I was merely referring to your claim that 'you tried OLD and nobody paid you any interest'.

 

I'm really curious what 'security' issues you're even worried about. If you don't accept executable files from people, don't give out personal information anywhere and have a decent firewall and antivirus up, the guy has gotta be a really good hacker to get anything off of you. And no offense, but the people who are usually have better things to do with their time. I've been around the internet for over 16 years and can put up some decent hacks myself - nothing can happen to you as long as you practice decent common sense, and answering a message isn't going to open you up to a security attack...

 

It's not hacking, it's stalking that concerns me. Way back in the olden days of AOL chat rooms, I made a few enemies that would follow me around the Internet; they even found out my personal email, and started sending harassing messages. I get very hesitant to even hand out my chat screen names, especially since I (like most people I think) use somewhat similar handles around the 'net.

 

It's amazingly easy to take some trivial information and use it to track down all sorts of leads. I know, cause I've done some for-research Internet stalking in my day. All I was given was a person's screen name, and I managed to track down her Facebook, which lead me to her LinkedIn, which lead me to her email address and home town.

 

I just prefer to keep my net self as separate from my real life as it can be.

[Els]

But you can set your facebook to only display ANY information at all to friends, and your email can be set to block addresses...

[zengirl]

Elswyth:

 

Well, I know you have a BF there and you have your friends from your country, so you have a comfort zone. I had none. Before I went to Japan, I traveled to 17 countries in 11 months. I *had* to make friends, in those cases quick and short-term friends, to avoid going crazy. By the time I got to Japan (where I did have some family but not in Tokyo where I lived), I was already doing some better and I knew I'd have to make friends. I didn't really get along with -- I mean, we got along but not like "hang out totally" -- the Canadians and Californians where I worked, so I had to make friends outside of work. I used everything -- CL, Meetup, FB, etc -- to meet new people because I had to. Essentially, it was necessity that made me change.

 

I guess the thing is that it's easier to offend Asians, but it's still easy to seem like a weird dolt in Western society. Like, after each conversation with a Caucasian, I scroll back in my mind and can think of LOTS of things I said/did that must have seemed absolutely weird. Not to mention that a good part of each convo tends to be punctuated with 'pardon me?'s on both sides. I swear it's not MY accent that's the problem, it's the goddamn Kiwis. :laugh:

 

Oh, you're in NZ. I find Kiwis are actually VERY easy going. I wouldn't think you could make many missteps there that would offend anyone. Might not get along with everyone, of course, but that's anywhere. I love the Kiwi attitude. Most of my best friends in Korea were from NZ.

 

I don't mind a glass or two over dinner, but I feel very uncomfortable in a drinking spree where people actually get high and act as such. So even if I go to bars with friends, I go with friends whom I know aren't going to GET drunk.

 

I get that. I don't mind drunk people, but I'm past that phase now. I'm not in college anymore though. That's something that gets easier with age.

 

Do you find that people approach you, or you have to approach them?

 

Mostly, I had to approach them. Eventually, once I had a group, it got easier. My group grew a lot and was in constant flux (because people are always coming and going) in both Japan and Korea, and I was kind of the "hub." I built my own group, rather than joining intact groups. BUT I approached others who were new and they joined our group, so obviously, being approached works too. I think if you're going after a group, you're more likely to have to approach. I kind of cherry-picked people for our group who were new to the country and I thought were cool and might have trouble finding friends because I knew how much trouble I had at first. But then in the Korea group our group also joined with another group when I met another "hub," who had been in the country even longer.

[xxoo]

Frankly, I think "lives within 40-50 miles of me" and "not an anonymous forum poster" are pretty legitimate reasons for why I'd just not really pay attention to a "hey you seem cool" message.

 

Fine, don't pay attention, don't respond. You don't have to engage them if it isn't something you are comfortable with.

 

But stop claiming that "no one" shows interest in you, when clearly some men do.

 

OLD is pretty much an anonymous forum, too, albeit local.

 

edited to add... I can understand wanting to keep an LS identity completely anonymous.

[Els]

Elswyth:

 

Well, I know you have a BF there and you have your friends from your country, so you have a comfort zone. I had none. Before I went to Japan, I traveled to 17 countries in 11 months. I *had* to make friends, in those cases quick and short-term friends, to avoid going crazy. By the time I got to Japan (where I did have some family but not in Tokyo where I lived), I was already doing some better and I knew I'd have to make friends. I didn't really get along with -- I mean, we got along but not like "hang out totally" -- the Canadians and Californians where I worked, so I had to make friends outside of work. I used everything -- CL, Meetup, FB, etc -- to meet new people because I had to. Essentially, it was necessity that made me change.

 

This is true. I hope that if necessity ever comes, I would respond in that manner too, though I can't be sure. I've been trying to make myself talk to Kiwis in my class, and boy is it hard for me. I feel like I have some form of social anxiety.

 

Oh, you're in NZ. I find Kiwis are actually VERY easy going. I wouldn't think you could make many missteps there that would offend anyone. Might not get along with everyone, of course, but that's anywhere. I love the Kiwi attitude. Most of my best friends in Korea were from NZ.

 

Oh, yeah, I definitely haven't offended anyone, though I'm positive some people have looked at me like I'm strange (though I may just be imagining it ).

 

Mostly, I had to approach them. Eventually, once I had a group, it got easier. My group grew a lot and was in constant flux (because people are always coming and going) in both Japan and Korea, and I was kind of the "hub." I built my own group, rather than joining intact groups. BUT I approached others who were new and they joined our group, so obviously, being approached works too. I think if you're going after a group, you're more likely to have to approach. I kind of cherry-picked people for our group who were new to the country and I thought were cool and might have trouble finding friends because I knew how much trouble I had at first. But then in the Korea group our group also joined with another group when I met another "hub," who had been in the country even longer.

 

Cool I guess I don't really do well with approaching. Every once in a while (like now, when the bf is away on family stuff), I make resolutions to get new friends. After a few tries I tend to say 'screw it' and return to the comfort zone by the computer. I did manage to make acquaintances with ONE guy this time though, so, uh, yay for me, I guess

[zengirl]

So if you can't learn it from books, how can someone without social skills improve them?

 

For me, it was trial and error. Just putting myself in social situations, surviving, and getting better.

 

Are those all legitimately things you were interested in? This might be part of my "problem" but I only do things I'm interested in.... and most of the meet-ups I've seen are not things I'm interested in.

 

None of them were things I hate, but no, I was not legitimately interested in them all--I thought they had some potential to be engaging though. I'm mildly interested in A LOT of things though -- I just like stuff -- so as long as it's not something I hate, I have found I can develop an interest in things and have fun even if it's not something that would normally intrigue me. Obviously, I prioritized the things I was most interested in.

 

I'm probably just an introvert and a misanthrope, which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing, but it sure seems as if I need to be something else to find a relationship.

 

Maybe you just haven't met the right groups of people yet. It takes time. I suggest getting out there just to practice, if it's not too tedious and you have time to kill, but it all depends on what's best for your lifestyle.

[verhrzn]

But you can set your facebook to only display ANY information at all to friends, and your email can be set to block addresses...

 

Doesn't matter. It gave me her real name, which is what lead me to her LinkedIn, which is what gave me her email and city. Do a little archival digging, and you could connect the name with a phone number, and a phone number with an address. To quote one of my favorite movies," Ya can't stop the signal."

 

And honestly, Google and Facebook change their privacy policies so often things DO occasionally slip through the cracks. That's just life on the net, but I prefer to protect my real life identity when I can.

[Els]

That's fine, V. I just think you tend to over-exaggerate a lot on the 'no men are EVER interested in me!' front.

[verhrzn]

That's fine, V. I just think you tend to over-exaggerate a lot on the 'no men are EVER interested in me!' front.

 

Again... how in the world do anonymous forum posters count? The same as the 90 year old black man? Or are you guys just so desperate to prove me wrong that you'll accept ANYthing, no matter how ridiculous it is?

[zengirl]

Doesn't matter. It gave me her real name, which is what lead me to her LinkedIn, which is what gave me her email and city. Do a little archival digging, and you could connect the name with a phone number, and a phone number with an address. To quote one of my favorite movies," Ya can't stop the signal."

 

And honestly, Google and Facebook change their privacy policies so often things DO occasionally slip through the cracks. That's just life on the net, but I prefer to protect my real life identity when I can.

 

I protect my identity on the net a lot (to the point where my FB is not searchable and does not list my real name -- it's my real first but not real full) because of my career, but I really think your worries are a bit excessive. If you talk to ONE person and get a sense of them and then give them your name, the odds are in your favor that you'll be okay. If you get red flags from the person, you don't give it.

 

Anyway, nobody was really saying you should date people on the net; they were saying that your overlooking them was indicative that you could be overlooking RL guys as well.

[Els]

I'm only saying that because I personally would consider an out-of-the-blue complimentary message from a guy whom I had posted back and forth with for a while on the forums, as a 'potential' (like I said, not guaranteed) expression of interest. It makes me wonder what else I also consider as 'expressions of interest' that you do not.

[USMCHokie]

Again... how in the world do anonymous forum posters count? The same as the 90 year old black man? Or are you guys just so desperate to prove me wrong that you'll accept ANYthing, no matter how ridiculous it is?

 

Either this is a defense mechanism against potential rejection, or you're really not that cool of a person...seriously...

[USMCHokie]

Anyway, nobody was really saying you should date people on the net; they were saying that your overlooking them was indicative that you could be overlooking RL guys as well.

 

This. Overlooking as a defense mechanism...

[verhrzn]

I'm only saying that because I personally would consider an out-of-the-blue complimentary message from a guy whom I had posted back and forth with for a while on the forums, as a 'potential' (like I said, not guaranteed) expression of interest. It makes me wonder what else I also consider as 'expressions of interest' that you do not.

 

Except I don't even know it's a guy. I don't know who this person is, and there is no tone or context to the statement. I take things on the Internet with a grain of salt, INCLUDING random PM messages. Isn't that what people are SUPPOSED to do?

 

Anonymous strangers sending me banal compliments is not what I see as an expression of interest. Fine for you to disagree, but don't fault me for such a random (and rather reasonable) conclusion. Like I said, it just seems like you're taking ANY proof to prove me wrong, no matter how ridiculous.

[Els]

V, I'm really not sure why you frequently take an argumentative tone with people who have done nothing but speak with you civilly. I know that many posters here have been hard on you, but responding similarly to all, like we're all part of one huge gang trying to 'prove you wrong' is not going to get you anywhere.

 

That being said, I'm not certain why you are even trying OLD at all or describing your failure to receive attention on it, when that is the exact same thing as this. You don't know if anyone on OLD is even a guy either, so why do the responses you get there matter?

[verhrzn]

V, I'm really not sure why you frequently take an argumentative tone with people who have done nothing but speak with you civilly. I know that many posters here have been hard on you, but responding similarly to all, like we're all part of one huge gang trying to 'prove you wrong' is not going to get you anywhere.

 

That being said, I'm not certain why you are even trying OLD at all or describing your failure to receive attention on it, when that is the exact same thing as this. You don't know if anyone on OLD is even a guy either, so why do the responses you get there matter?

 

Because they are not as anonymous. People on OLD have profiles, and are there for the express purpose of dating. Yeah, they could be faked, but it isn't a freaking forum. Is it really necessary to explain the difference between the two?

 

I'm taking an argumentative tone because I'm *just a little annoyed* that I have to defend and explain, several times, why I don't consider anonymous random forum messages to count as proof that guys are interested in me. Yeah, you're speaking civilly to me, but you're also still arguing with me over something that is, frankly, meaningless. And exactly WHY are you arguing this with me?? You see it as expression of interest, I do not... why are you insisting that I do?

 

It is, especially, your implication that me discounting anonymous random forum messages means I somehow discredit real life interest that's really make me pull my tone short. It's a connection that is fragile at best, and has absolutely no proof to it, so why keep arguing about it with me?