Single and looking ladies, and options

[zengirl]

I know there are jerks and players out there, and that rejection from them shouldn't be given a second thought. What really gets to me is that these are "nice" guys... Guys who supposedly yearning for female attention. The fact that the same three scenarios happen over and over again just sends me into a tailspin of doubt and frustration. I mean, the common scenario in all of these is me, but I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. The rejections are just always SO cruel... It just makes me wonder why my life is so different than other people's (the overly cruel rejections, the never getting approached or flirted with, etc.) It's hard not to go," Okay, what the f- is wrong with me?"

 

First: What aj22one said.

 

I probably do need better friends. My friends are frankly pretty self-absorbed. If I disappeared tomorrow, I think it'd take them a few months to notice. I know how to make friends; I just have no idea how to make GOOD friends. The more I do the things self-help books tell me to do (ask questions about the other person, do nice things for them, be there for them) the more people seem to take advantage of me.

 

I thought so! This has probably colored your life more than you know. I have a narcissistic father (literally diagnosed with NPD) and having an NPD parent, even one who luckily wasn't my main parent, led me to having many people in my life when I was young who were narcissistic. Once you get a few, you get a ton---it's like magnetic. It took some therapy for me to break that pattern. Not sure what made yours start---sometimes figuring out how you got people like that around you can help you break it.

 

Maybe we should all try an LS meet-up sometime.

 

If I'm ever in your area, I'll let you know.

 

Is it wrong to have a fetish?

 

I don't know if I'd say 'wrong' but it's abnormal, and you always act as though yours is perfectly normal and acceptable whereas other people non-fetisized standards (basic things like they want to like and be attracted to the person) are odd. It's just a messed up viewpoint.

 

Fetishes are irrational fixations and objectifying parts of another person's body, so they're not exactly normal or great, but I wouldn't necessarily call them "wrong." I mean, whatever floats your boat. What's wrong about it is the way you view it IMO.

[RedRobin]

And of course, nobody actually bothered to read, and comprehend what I wrote.

 

Right. Here's a question for you... Let's say you did find perfect fantasy woman. And she committed to you. Then she got breast cancer. Would you dump her? Because if the answer is yes, you've probably figured out why even women with breasts don't want to date you. Her legs, heart, brains, and other parts AREN'T JUST SUPPORT for the boobs and assorted cuteness you wrap your idolization around.

 

If your current path is causing you pain, it is perhaps wise to consider a different path. We'll call it Boob-aholics Anonymous. Or, you could find a way to convince yourself and the woman of choice that you wouldn't dump her the minute something happened to her perfect boobs. Good luck with that.

[somedude81]

I don't know if I'd say 'wrong' but it's abnormal, and you always act as though yours is perfectly normal and acceptable whereas other people non-fetisized standards (basic things like they want to like and be attracted to the person) are odd. It's just a messed up viewpoint.

 

Fetishes are irrational fixations and objectifying parts of another person's body, so they're not exactly normal or great, but I wouldn't necessarily call them "wrong." I mean, whatever floats your boat. What's wrong about it is the way you view it IMO.

I see a fetish as something that can't really be controlled and is a hard requirement.

 

As I said before at least three times in this thread, I would date a girl who didn't meet the breast minimum.

[zengirl]

I see a fetish as something that can't really be controlled and is a hard requirement.

 

As I said before at least three times in this thread, I would date a girl who didn't meet the breast minimum.

 

Okay, that's not what a fetish is. It's not just a difficult requirement. It's a fixation. There are differences---major differences---in the two.

 

And you've expressed why you wouldn't be happy dating that girl---that is not productive conversation, so I won't go into that.

 

My point is that you need to realize, if you have a fixation/fetish, that it is going to be weird and gross to many, many people. Fetishes are turn-offs to most people who don't have fetishes of their own. It's a whole different mindset to objectify a quality about a person and make that the greater part of their personhood.

[somedude81]

Right. Here's a question for you... Let's say you did find perfect fantasy woman. And she committed to you. Then she got breast cancer. Would you dump her?

Of course not.

 

Because if the answer is yes, you've probably figured out why even women with breasts don't want to date you. Her legs, heart, brains, and other parts AREN'T JUST SUPPORT for the boobs and assorted cuteness you wrap your idolization around.

I don't fallow.

 

If my answer had been yes, how could that explain why women don't want to date me. It's not like I actually talk about this stuff in person.

 

If your current path is causing you pain, it is perhaps wise to consider a different path. We'll call it Boob-aholics Anonymous. Or, you could find a way to convince yourself and the woman of choice that you wouldn't dump her the minute something happened to her perfect boobs. Good luck with that.

Uh, I don't exactly have flat-chested women throwing themselves at me. I really don't see how wanting a girl to have some boobs is hurting me.

 

Frankly, not wanting to date a fat girl takes out more women than not wanting to date somebody who is smaller than a B.

[zengirl]

No, having a fetish removes most people who have that characteristic, IME.

 

For instance, I would NEVER date a guy who had an Asian fetish (and trust me, I can tell) because they creep me out and I don't like to be fetishized. Again, many, many, many people do not. Some do not mind or even get off on it. Everyone is different. I would say most women who are not superficial (your complaint about women) REALLY hate being fetishized.

[aj22one]

Okay, that's not what a fetish is. It's not just a difficult requirement. It's a fixation. There are differences---major differences---in the two.

 

And you've expressed why you wouldn't be happy dating that girl---that is not productive conversation, so I won't go into that.

 

My point is that you need to realize, if you have a fixation/fetish, that it is going to be weird and gross to many, many people. Fetishes are turn-offs to most people who don't have fetishes of their own. It's a whole different mindset to objectify a quality about a person and make that the greater part of their personhood.

 

OK well color me a little confused about what a fetish is too. I've heard of people with foot fetishes and underwear fetishes and the like but I never thought it was objectification of one quality over their status as a person.

 

Perhaps the term "fetish" is merely misused in modern colloquial contexts.

[somedude81]

My point is that you need to realize, if you have a fixation/fetish, that it is going to be weird and gross to many, many people. Fetishes are turn-offs to most people who don't have fetishes of their own. It's a whole different mindset to objectify a quality about a person and make that the greater part of their personhood.

I really don't see how having a fetish for large breasts could turn anybody off whether she was busty or not.

 

I'm past the stage of nudie posters and computer wallpapers.

 

I don't talk to people about how much I like breasts.

 

The girl that I had a crush on for two years, was most likely a D cup, and she had no idea I was a breast man, simply because I never talked about boobs with her and I was very careful not to stare. Sure I would have commented on them if I ever got her top off, but I'm assuming that once one gets to that stage, saying how much you like a girls body is acceptable.

[aj22one]

No, having a fetish removes most people who have that characteristic, IME.

 

For instance, I would NEVER date a guy who had an Asian fetish (and trust me, I can tell) because they creep me out and I don't like to be fetishized. Again, many, many, many people do not. Some do not mind or even get off on it. Everyone is different. I would say most women who are not superficial (your complaint about women) REALLY hate being fetishized.

 

This is kinda interesting to me and perhaps OT but what exactly do you mind about being fetishized?

 

I ask this as someone who has only ever dated ethnic women (not Asian women though) and I think it is somewhat of a fetish. But I always thought the problem with Asian fetishes specifically had to do with certain cultural stereotypes associated with Asian women that caused the problem. Or is that incorrect?

[somedude81]

Adding on to my post.

 

I also had a crush on her and asked her out long before I realized how big her boobs were, just in case you were going to bring that up.

 

She wore a hoodie almost everyday and I didn't realize she was busty till she took it off when we were hanging out one day.

[reallyhotguy]

To be fair, I think what's happening here it not so much that somedude fetishizes breasts. I think it's more likely that somedude is just so out of touch with women, sex, and love, that he fixates on certain superficial parameters as being important to him.

 

He doesn't know what would actually be important to him, because he doesn't have enough experience to know. He might have some weak correlation like "all of the girls I've had unrequited crushes on have had big boobs." He might be more adamant about it now because his current crush has big boobs. And you'd have a hard time telling me that years of whacking it to the porn stereotype has not had an influence here.

 

Indeed, Somedude has had years and years to develop nothing but fantasies about women, with no relationship experience to ground him. All of his crushes have been unrequited -- which is too strong a pattern to chalk it up to "bad game", as many have noted, so something else is at play here. Porn and hookers are pure fantasy and contribute to the problem. I know porn is a controversial topic here, but I think we can all safely say that somedude is not an "average" user of porn.

 

I would be surprised if years of having porn fantasy be the only rewarding release for his sexual drive is not a contributor, or at least a corrolary, to the fact that all of his romantic interactions with living women have been in one-sided fantasies. But it's not so much porn I want to focus on, but the fact that we can't even trust somedude to know what his preferences are, because he's -- frustratingly -- the very last person to understand the implications of what he's telling us.

 

And I totally get it. I know he's sitting here confused or frustrated himself, because he's just trying to level with us. So he likes larger breasts, is that so wrong? If he were being perfectly honest, it would probably bother him in a relationship, that's not something he's proud of but it's the honest-to-God truth.

 

He just doesn't see that 1. he has no way to extrapolate what would or wouldn't bother him in a relationship, having never been in a relationship, and 2. that what he claims as preferences are so arbitrary and cerebral that they're probably artificial, as in they have more to do with his self-image or girlfriend-sex-fantasy than a genuine sexual attraction.

[RedRobin]

Of course not.

 

 

I don't fallow.

 

If my answer had been yes, how could that explain why women don't want to date me. It's not like I actually talk about this stuff in person.

 

 

Uh, I don't exactly have flat-chested women throwing themselves at me. I really don't see how wanting a girl to have some boobs is hurting me.

 

Frankly, not wanting to date a fat girl takes out more women than not wanting to date somebody who is smaller than a B.

 

My response to you was not intended to be an opportunity for you to trash 'flat-chested' women and 'fat' women.

 

Your hatred of women (except the skinny, cute, big boobed ones) oozes out of your every pore. You can't help it.

 

That's your problem, my friend.

[RedRobin]

Outta curiosity, what did you read as me mocking any posters who PM me?

 

Check your posts starting around 8:15 pm last night going through about 9:30.

[verhrzn]

Check your posts starting around 8:15 pm last night going through about 9:30.

 

Hmm, I guess I just don't see the mocking tone.

[somedude81]

Wow, reallyhotguy. I don't know what to say or think. It just makes sense.

My response to you was not intended to be an opportunity for you to trash 'flat-chested' women and 'fat' women.

 

Your hatred of women (except the skinny, cute, big boobed ones) oozes out of your every pore. You can't help it.

 

That's your problem, my friend.

Sigh.

 

Though you are partially true in some way.

 

I might hate women, but that's all women the skinny busty girls even more so, because all I've known from women was pain. There are times when I could look at a girl that's my ideal and get angry because my first thought is that she'd never give me a chance.

 

But I also love the company of women as well and want nothing more than a girlfriend, so I feel confused and conflicted.

[RedRobin]

Wow, reallyhotguy. I don't know what to say or think. It just makes sense.

 

Sigh.

 

Though you are partially true in some way.

 

I might hate women, but that's all women the skinny busty girls even more so, because all I've known from women was pain. There are times when I could look at a girl that's my ideal and get angry because my first thought is that she'd never give me a chance.

 

But I also love the company of women as well and want nothing more than a girlfriend, so I feel confused and conflicted.

 

I'm really sorry SD... that you feel you've been hurt.

[Lonely Ronin]

True, though I always thought they were nice because that's how all of their friends describe them, and the guys (aside from me) treat their girlfriends like queens. Maybe I turn genuinely nice guys into jerks??

 

If you want to analyze anything, I would recommend thinking long and hard, about why you are attracting jerks like this. I don't mean this in a negative way, I have known several women who have had problems with attracting jerks, and once they addressed the issue dating got a lot better for them. You will probably find that what's attracting jerks, is repulsing normal guys.

[xxoo]

I really don't see how having a fetish for large breasts could turn anybody off whether she was busty or not.

 

I'm past the stage of nudie posters and computer wallpapers.

 

I don't talk to people about how much I like breasts.

 

The girl that I had a crush on for two years, was most likely a D cup, and she had no idea I was a breast man, simply because I never talked about boobs with her and I was very careful not to stare. Sure I would have commented on them if I ever got her top off, but I'm assuming that once one gets to that stage, saying how much you like a girls body is acceptable.

 

Wait.....you mean the girl? You think she didn't know?

 

I thought there were comments about her choosing the v-neck tee, and other comments.

 

And didn't she always wear a jacket? She sounds like someone who would be super-sensitive to a man liking her for her breasts (as she perceives his interest).

[verhrzn]

If you want to analyze anything, I would recommend thinking long and hard, about why you are attracting jerks like this. I don't mean this in a negative way, I have known several women who have had problems with attracting jerks, and once they addressed the issue dating got a lot better for them. You will probably find that what's attracting jerks, is repulsing normal guys.

 

But that's the weird thing... they're NOT jerks. They're just jerks to ME. To the women they date before and after me, they're perfect gentlemen.

 

Seriously, I seem to turn guys into jerks. It's bizarre.

[HeavenOrHell]

So it's women's fault they don't seem to find you attractive? Nothing to do with your personality?

 

You hate women for what reason exactly?

 

A woman hater is never going attract women.

 

 

Wow, reallyhotguy. I don't know what to say or think. It just makes sense.

 

Sigh.

 

Though you are partially true in some way.

 

I might hate women, but that's all women the skinny busty girls even more so, because all I've known from women was pain. There are times when I could look at a girl that's my ideal and get angry because my first thought is that she'd never give me a chance.

 

But I also love the company of women as well and want nothing more than a girlfriend, so I feel confused and conflicted.

[Lonely Ronin]

But that's the weird thing... they're NOT jerks.

 

Hopefully others will chime in on this, but a guy that says what was said to you, is a jerk period. Seriously, most of my guy friends would beat the crap out of some guy that said stuff like that to one of our female friends.

 

How do you know they where nice to the women before and after?

[somedude81]

Wait.....you mean the girl? You think she didn't know?

I don't know. She talked about breasts more than I did.

I thought there were comments about her choosing the v-neck tee, and other comments.

That was on the last day we ever hung out.

 

And didn't she always wear a jacket? She sounds like someone who would be super-sensitive to a man liking her for her breasts (as she perceives his interest).

Yeah, she almost always wore a hoodie. Though she said that it was because she was always cold and anemic. On really hot days she did take it off.

 

And she might have been sensitive about her breasts. I don't think she fully accepted being a woman and having large breasts probably didn't make things any easier. I do regret making that comment. I felt that she should be proud of what she has but she apparently felt differently.

So it's women's fault they don't seem to find you attractive? Nothing to do with your personality?

I think it's primarily physical.

 

My guess is if I had something wrong with my personalty, I wouldn't be able to have close friendships with women.

 

 

You hate women for what reason exactly?

 

A woman hater is never going attract women.

I don't know if it's hatred. Just a lot of anger and pain. Then constant failure makes me hate myself.

[GoodOnPaper]

There are times when I could look at a girl that's my ideal and get angry because my first thought is that she'd never give me a chance.

 

I feel for you -- my dating life developed along similar lines but substitute "depressed" for "angry". To this day, I really hate being around stunningly beautiful women -- fortunately, I'm in a geographic location and line of work where I don't run across them often. Things didn't exactly turn out like I wanted, so I'm not in a position to give you any good dating advice, but I have noticed that you are in school. Once you're done (or before if you can afford it), do this -- travel. That's certainly one thing I would do if I could do things over again. Travel to new parts of the country or abroad if possible. Even when you're traveling by yourself, you're soaking up experience -- and you may come across some places that you think are heaven on earth. Plus, travel-related topics make for great starter conversations with people you are first meeting . . .

[HeavenOrHell]

It's crazy to hate women just because you've been rejected. Most people have been rejected in their life. I've had my fair share of rejections, and being left after nearly 20 years was no picnic, trust me, but I don't hate men because of it, what's it got to do with men in general that I've had my heart broken?!

 

Men AND women have their hearts broken, it's not just something which happens to men.

[Lonely Ronin]

My guess is if I had something wrong with my personalty, I wouldn't be able to have close friendships with women.

 

Wrong, there is a big difference between having a very close female friend, and waking up next to someone regularly. The women who wakes up next to you, knows you a lot better.