I think I'm as confused as she is!! (a tad lengthy)

[TTJJ]

Hello all. This is my first time posting here, although I have read many of the stories and there are many situations similar to mine. I'm 25, she's 26. 2 kids.

 

My wife of 7 yrs. announced to me that she thinks it would be a good idea if we separate for "a while". I asked her why and she said that we have had too many bad fights (never physical, but i have been slapped a few times) and she just can't let them go. I admit that there have been times when I have felt that yes, we both can get on each other's nerves sometimes, and I have thought that getting married so young was a mistake

(me 18, her 19) but I always thought we could work anything out. She is as strong willed as I, and I have never seriously thought about being apart. I have a tendency to feel that what's done is done and it can't be changed, you might as well make the best of it and move ahead. She does not look at it that way.

 

I persisted and asked her what was up so many times that she finally told me that she feels that she needs some time and space to "find herself." She mentioned that being married so young had really made her miss out on lots of the things her friends got to do.

 

I'm getting a bit ahead of myself it seems. Here's a little more background. About six months ago, she became very good friends with a co-worker. Now she feels like they are close enough to be sisters. They probably spend 5 or more hours a week on the phone, as well as 40 hrs. a week together at work. She is separated and going through a divorce, and has a son about 2 yrs. old. Her husband was a painkiller addict and abusive as well, definitely emotionally and probably physically from what I've heard from my wife. He had also committed adultery. I can definitely understand why she wanted out of her situation.

 

Up until these two got to be good friends, my wife really didn't like to go do anything away from me and our sons. I have always encouraged her to just go have some drinks with friends from work or something. But she didn't really have anybody she was good enough friends with to want to go do anything with them. I, on the other hand, do. I go play golf with friends a couple times a month (during the non-winter months) and occasionally (maybe 3 times a year) we get together and play poker. She was always fine with that and still is. I thought that it was great that now she has a friend that she will want to go play with sometimes (sounds silly, but I dunno how else to describe it) In the past 2 months, they've gone out on like 3 saturday nights to do stuff.

 

I work from 6-4 on weekdays and she works from 5-1 swingshift. It had worked well for a couple of years (although we didn't see each other but about 30 mins/day during the week) we always had plenty of money to do things like go to Las Vegas and Disneyland with the kids. If she didn't work, things would be pretty tight.

 

OK, now I'll get back on track to the "be apart for a while" thing. I told her that I respect and love her enough to support her decision (even though when she mentioned it, it blew my mind.)

 

Last weekend she moved out of our house and in with her mother. We have 2 beautiful sons, 6 and 1.

 

I have about a 20 minute commute, and since her mother's house is roughly on the way, I have to get them up at like 5:30 to go to grandma's (and ma's) house. I pick them up after work and take them to my house, where they spend the evening and night with me. I am now solely responsible for the mortgage, utilities and food here. I can manage it, but without much slack. She offered to supplement me with some money if I need it, and I haven't needed it yet (of course, it's only been a week.) That was nice of her to offer anyway.

 

Sorry about boring you with the details, but if you've made it here, I guess I'll finally get to the point.

On wednesday I asked her where we were going to go from here. She said she just didn't know. Upon further prying, I got it out of her. She said she really loves me and cares so much about me and doesn't want to hurt me, but she doesn't think she's "in love" with me anymore. She said that something has changed, and she doesn't know what it is.

 

Needless to say, that hit me like a cinderblock upside the head. I felt so empty, like there was a big hole in my chest where my heart used to be. I'm still in love with her! What am I supposed to do? I see her twice a day and she has called every night to check on our young'uns! I have cried a little off and on, thinking about the good times we've had, how I felt when my kids were born, and how I had her affection for a while and now I probably never will again. It tears me up, but I guess I'll just have to make do. It's hard not to smile when I've got the kids, but at work I can't stop thinking about her words that day. We're not talking about getting a divorce or anything, but I'm guessing that it's just a matter of time for that.

 

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you that means it was meant to be. If it doesn't come back, what does that mean? What should I do to cope with letting her go? Just writing this and getting it out there has been somewhat comforting, but not like her loving embrace that I used to know.

 

Anyhow, I'm letting her do what she feels she needs to do for now, and I apologize for this being so long, and I will check back if anyone cares to comment or offer advice. God bless.

[Wolvesbaned]

I'm in the same boat as you. We share many similarities, but we have no youngins. He's never said he isn't in love with me anymore but his actions speak it. He made up his mind to separate on April 22nd and we've been apart since. He's been harsh, cold, angry --most of his actions seem to be uncharacteristic of the man I married. I wish he was able to piece together how he feels, enough to tell me that he isn't in love with me anymore. Instead all I got were explanations and distorted excuses, some weren't even substantiated (I don't care about his feelings because I insisted on talking to him in the middle of studying (a misunderstanding about her, regardless), I yelled at him right after he came home from work when I found something that didn't "make sense" (I asked him very calmly and when he reacted defensively after numerous tries, yes, I got frustrated but I had every reason to be), I stopped seeing my counselor (not true), all I care about is my feelings and don't trust him (yet I agreed to his whims about her).

 

All these stupid details seem trivial, and yet these are his examples. Though I'm not sure what's more trivial, him making reference to them, or me mentioning them when he really hasn't been acting like he truly loves me for awhile. Hell, he decided to throw it all away, just like that. And we were wonderful once. Actually wonderful, imagine that! I'm sorry this has turned into a rant, but I suppose I have to get it out of my system too.

 

My point: I love him! I take marriage seriously. There's nothing I want more than to work things out, still. But I can't force him to love me. I can't force him to figure out what's truly important and what's truly meaningful. All I can hope is for him to remember what we once were ... and maybe then he'll realize. Just maybe.

 

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you that means it was meant to be. If it doesn't come back, what does that mean? What should I do to cope with letting her go? Just writing this and getting it out there has been somewhat comforting, but not like her loving embrace that I used to know.

 

If it doesn't come back, what does that mean? I have no idea. All I know is this: We can never rekindle what we once had -- too much has happened. But what we can do is start over. If by chance, the love within us endures this, there is hope.

 

If not, I guess life goes on. Not too long ago, we sincerely thought we couldn't live without each other. Like newlyweds, we were saying our goodbyes at an airport, teary eyed, because it was the farthest we've been away from each other, and he was just gone for a weekend. That was 8 months ago when we last spoke about not knowing what to do without each other, he even said he couldn't live without me then. Crazy how things change and how we just continue living.

 

Focus on your kids. Be honest with your feelings. Try to keep busy and keep family and or friends close by because you need them now. I know it's harder for men to express themselves, so post here ... let it out. You have 2 beautiful boys, you're fortunate to be able to channel your energy towards them. Supposably, everyone copes differently. It seems the cliche about time healing is true. It will get better. Give it time, give her space.

 

As for me, I will tell him how I feel one last time. We haven't spoken in so long and only communicate amicably through email, but it's only 'business'. This Saturday, I'm getting the rest of my stuff and I will 'try' to communicate to him one last time ... somehow our meeting time falls near our 5 year anniversary ... I'd like to look back and think "I truly did all I can".

[CurlyIam]

All the luch in the world, Wolvesbaned! May little angels whisper you the right words and then finally be at peace with yourself, no matter how it 'll all turn out. You have tried, you put effort into it! You have been and are a good and trustworthy partner in your marriage.

 

Gosh, I can't even imagine what you're going through with the anniverasy and all... We'll still be here when you meet him next Saturday....

[Wolvesbaned]

Curly,

 

Thanks for your kind words But I don't know if I will say anything... I mean he should know how I feel. I've made it obvious. If he doesn't think our marraige is worth fighting for, well ... I can't fight alone, it does take two. But I'm still hoping that these past 2 months has given him enough time to realize a few things. We'll see how it goes.

[TempSain]

TTJJ

 

I feel you pain.

Your wife's new friend is definetly a bad influence on her. I am sure when they went out, your wife felt that she missed out on her youth. I can understand that. It's the old saying, "the grass is greener on the other side", I am sure she felt this way. Not sure if there is anything that you can do to change her feelings toward you.

My suggestion is focus on yourself. Go to the gym, improve your personal skills, spend time with the kids. I know its hard to but you have to start thinking about being alone again. If she is meant to be with you, she will come back but if not, you have to prepare to move on.

 

Best of luck.