Only get to see my GF 3 hours a week...going nowhere

[DefBringer]

I'm really stuck and need some advice for my current situation.

 

I've been dating my girlfriend for about 3 months. I'm 30, she's almost 25. She is a law student, very bright, very attractive, and quite the feminist. Our relationship is very odd because we never see each other more than 3-4 hours each week.

 

I work nearly 55 hours a week in sales. She works closer to 70 hours each week in 3 different jobs, including her internship at a law firm, her time babysitting two mentally challenged girls, as well as working in a battered-women shelter. She works all day long on Thursdays and Sundays, my only two days off. I get to see her for 3 hours on Wednesday nights. We have dinner, have sex, then we go to bed. The sex is good, but she insists on having her two dogs sleep in bed with us, both of whom actually sleep between she and I, so I can't even hold her in bed after sex or when we sleep.

 

I have expressed my concern with the dogs sleeping in bed. She states that I need to accept her, dogs and all. I told her I love dogs (I do), but I hate the fact we have to have these dogs in bed with us. I just want 1-on-1 time...we only get 3-4 hours a WEEK together, I don't think I am asking for too much.

 

But more importantly...I just don't feel like the relationship is going anywhere. She rarely, if ever, says anything like "I care about you". I am routinely telling her these things on the phone but don't hear it in return. When I get frustated, I ask her "You do care about me too, right?" and she says "of course", but she NEVER says it first. I have to ask her how she feels about me in order to hear about it. She doesn't seem too willing to shift things around in her schedule in order to be with me whereas I would handily do whatever it takes to drive the 45min to get to her apartment. After 3 months, shouldn't she be desperate to see me after 2 weeks without seeing me?

 

The bottom line is this: I don't feel love for her, I don't know if I ever will feel love for her, and she has promised me her schedule will not get any easier. Yet the one time I suggested we break it off she was very emotional and upset and thought I was not being fair to her since it is not "her fault" she works so much. I don't blame her for her schedule, but I do blame her for not being more aggressive in trying to see me when she IS free.

 

On paper the girl is perfect for me, but reality is different. I honestly think the best thing to do is to break it off but I just don't know how to tell her without kicking her when she's down. I know she's terribly depressed about having to work so much, and this probably won't make her life any easier. But I know she would want the truth from me.

 

I'm concerned I have not given this one enough time to bloom. Should I give it another month or is time to call it quits?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[masked_man]

Tricky situation. With her extensive work and study commitments, short wonder she doesn't have much time for anything else in her life. In a way, I would feel just a little like I was being taken for granted, if I was you. (And personally, I'd be annoyed by those dogs as well!) While her work is certainly noble, and doubtless makes a difference to many lives, she does seem to be overlooking her personal relationships.

 

I guess you have to decide what you want out of this relationship, and if its not offering what you want, then you need to move on. You seem concerned about letting her down if you left, but continuing to "live a lie", as it were, may be far worse.

 

If however, when you say that you don't feel love for her anymore, than maybe you have already answered your own question.

 

Hope this is of some help.

[LittleBrowneyes]

 

Hi, i understand somewhat what your going through. I think some ladies wait for the man to say " i love you" first, or them to express their feelings. When you say your not sure you really even love this person. Its prolly because your just lacking that void of needing to be loved or feel loved. Sometimes the habbit is stronger than love itself...in the end, someone may just end up getting hurt..

[Unlucky In Love]

I am an attorney and totally know what you are experiencing. When I was in law school, I didn't even have time to pee. I would study when I was in the bathroom.

 

You obviously need a woman with more time to devote to you. You should put this woman on the backburner while you consider dating other people with more free time. As a lawyer, she is NEVER going to have very much time to nurture you.

 

After I finished law school, I dated a man who loved his dog. He was alone for many years, and the dog was his only companion. He even slept with the dog at night. When I came along he started putting the dog on the floor so that we had time in bed alone. Then as our relationship matured, he started dragging the dog to bed again. We couldn't snuggle. It was a big production just taking the dog out of the room to make love. I just snapped one day and threw both my boyfriend and the dog out of the bedroom. Now that relationship is over.

 

I realized that he was too co-dependent on the dog. It sounds like your girlfriend is the same way. Have you suggested to her that you let the dogs sleep on a doggie bed on the floor next to the bed? That worked for a while in my relationship.

 

Personally, I think you should dump her. She's NEVER going to have time for you. Her life is only going to get busier after law school.

 

You deserve more than being last on her list after (1) law school; (2) law firm; (3) homework; (4) babysitting; (5) dogs; and finally, (6) you.

 

If she won't free up her schedule, then dump her! There are plenty of women out there who will put you first!

[sushigirl]

I think you should break up with her. She obviously doesn't have the time in her life right now to be in any relationship. THe main thing is that you don't think you will ever love her. I think that says it all. If it will never become anything, then why are you both wasting your time?

 

Unless you are both dating for kicks then whatever. But one question: Is the reason that you don't think you could ever love her because she is eternally busy?? The only way I see that this relationship is worth salvaging is if you could love her otherwise and she changes her schedule for you.