The Latest Disaster

[purgatori]

Well, time for an update... None of this is likely to make sense unless you have some background information on my rather "unique" situation, so don't even bother voicing your consternation unless you read this old thread (which I would have added to, had not the window for doing so already closed): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/gender-sexual-identity/249100-sometimes-doesnt-get-better -- After you do that, you are more than welcome to tell me what an idiot I am.

 

Over the course of 2011 I became good "Twitter friends" with a certain girl; at least, we got on about as well as two friends who have never actually met can. Indeed, if we had actually met then my social awkwardness/shyness would probably have prevented said friendship from ever forming in the first place.

 

This girl was outrageously cute, AND her almost encyclopedic knowledge of horror movies put my own to shame (no mean feat, let me tell you). Better yet, she had great taste in girls She also used to write me things that would stop my world spinning on its axis, and make me feel like I was floating on air... And if you don't already see where this going, then let me cut right to it: I developed a major crush on her.

 

It was a crush that I never had a very strong hope would go anywhere; for one thing, she had a girlfriend, and I wouldn't have wanted to jeopardize that even if I could (which I couldn't ). But even just being her friend felt like an immense privilege to me, and I was excited -- although, admittedly, also terrified -- by the prospect of hanging out in person sometime (which we had discussed on a number of occasions).

 

But then *it* happened: in a casual remark, not directed at me personally, she expressed her attraction to the "manly" players on some or other UK football (at least I think it was football... soccer, whatever) team. My reaction was one of utter horror (and not in a good way).

 

Immediately following that incident, I deleted my Twitter account. It was a defensive action in a moment of panic: one designed to "shield" myself from the pain of similar remarks she might make in the future. And that's how it would have ended, had she not then sent me an email asking me "why the hell" I left, and stating that she "missed [me]."

 

Feeling that she was at least owed an explanation for my behavior, I attempted to provide one. Of course, this also entailed confessing my crush to her. I more that half expected that such a confession would, along with my bizarre reaction to her remark, put me further into the category of someone she would be quite glad to not have any more dealings with. Instead, she said that she was very "flattered," and if it wasn't for her "gay-ish" ways, she might feel the same way back (FYI: she had split with her gf by this time). This seemed a little odd given the the content of the remark that had triggered the whole debacle in the first place, but I was so surprised and relieved that she wasn't virtually running away in terror that I papered over it with rationalizations, and tried to explain away the original remark as just an insincere anomaly on her part.

 

At her insistence, I eventually returned to Twitter, but not before I had talked myself into believing that I could "deal" with it if another similar incident should occur, instead of reacting in the same way and flying off the handle. Before too long we were back to getting along famously... But then *it* happened again. This time the machista douche she was, and I quote "drooling," over was some creep by the name of Mark Wright; who, as I understand it, is the UK version of the putrescent "I'm a Celebrity--" series (not that it really matters).

 

There was no explaining it away this time, and in my devastation an rage I made a catty remark about her comment not seeming very "gay-ish" to me. I won't give you the blow-by-blow, but she wanted to know "what [she] had done wrong," and I explained that she hadn't done anything wrong, but I just could not stand the thought that someone as wonderful as her desired something as vile as him. I also explained that, being the polar opposite in every way, to the sorts of guys she apparently likes, I am someone that she could only look upon as not living up to her ideal of what a "man" should be... and that is also too much for me to bear, especially since I detest and reject that ideal.

 

Unsurprisingly, she didn't respond to any of that, and realizing that I could not, in fact, deal with that aspect of who she is, I blocked her; though it must also be said that the desire for some kind of "revenge," no matter how uncalled for or petty, played a part in that decision. I have missed her dreadfully ever since, but there is absolutely nothing to be done for it; she is who she is, and I am who I am.

 

Worst of all, this has happened before, and will happen again any time I make the idiotic decision to allow myself to fall for someone.

[Philosoraptor]

So someone from the internet, that you've never met, doesn't like you in that way. And she also finds other people attractive who don't resemble you? So what? You just need to be yourself.

 

As people told you in the other thread, just be yourself and let the cards fall where they may. Even being what they call "normal" in this world, it's still a bitch finding the right person for you. Sure things are a bit different for you, but the method is still the same. Put yourself out there without expectations and let things progress naturally. All we can do in this life is follow our own path to happiness. Who cares what the rest of the world thinks in the end? Those people don't matter and those who matter won't care and will still like you just the way you are.

[Nightsky]

If you want more and she obviously doesn’t its fine to stop talking to her. You explained yourself so she knows what’s up. Though if you want to just be her friend and enjoy her then try not to be so hard on her. People are aloud to be attracted to a wide variety of things. Also women are many times attracted to jerky macho guys, even if they are “gay.” Same as gay men often love to be around or talk about how some women is very “sexy.”

 

Even if you’re more of a girl, most girls know you can’t friend your way into a relationship. Also girls say the kind of things this girl said to you, to other girls. A girl will say something like “I find that bearded football player hot” and her friend will be like “eww gross” and then she’ll share some out of character for her person she finds sexy. She was treating you like one of the girls. Like you act.

[purgatori]

So someone from the internet, that you've never met, doesn't like you in that way. And she also finds other people attractive who don't resemble you? So what? You just need to be yourself.

 

As people told you in the other thread, just be yourself and let the cards fall where they may. Even being what they call "normal" in this world, it's still a bitch finding the right person for you. Sure things are a bit different for you, but the method is still the same. Put yourself out there without expectations and let things progress naturally. All we can do in this life is follow our own path to happiness. Who cares what the rest of the world thinks in the end? Those people don't matter and those who matter won't care and will still like you just the way you are.

 

I'm afraid that the cards are always going to fall the same way. I admit that my experience is limited, but any girl I have ever liked and got to know has revealed pretty much the same predilection for guys totally unlike me.

 

The advice to "be yourself" is definitely sound, and something I do my best to live by, and I generally don't care whether people like me or not; but the opinions of someone you hope will be your employer, or someone you hope might be your boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever, do matter. And I actually don't mind being rejected on the grounds that I'm not pretty, smart, or interesting enough... but to be rejected because I'm not oafish enough? That's a wound, not only to my ego, but also the esteem I hold that person in.

 

Maybe I'm just too sensitive -- or, less euphemistically, "weak" -- but the pain that always accompanies these revelations makes me very reluctant to try again.

 

If you want more and she obviously doesn’t its fine to stop talking to her. You explained yourself so she knows what’s up. Though if you want to just be her friend and enjoy her then try not to be so hard on her. People are aloud to be attracted to a wide variety of things. Also women are many times attracted to jerky macho guys, even if they are “gay.” Same as gay men often love to be around or talk about how some women is very “sexy.”

 

I know that, as a friend, I should be more accepting of who she is -- ALL of who she is -- but as a friend who has a crush on her, I just can't be. It is torture to gain some insight into the things that make a particular person so amazing when you know that they want to waste all of that on some insensate troglodyte.

[Nightsky]

I know that, as a friend, I should be more accepting of who she is -- ALL of who she is -- but as a friend who has a crush on her, I just can't be. It is torture to gain some insight into the things that make a particular person so amazing when you know that they want to waste all of that on some insensate troglodyte.

 

Buffy dated Spike didn't she.

[purgatori]

Buffy dated Spike didn't she.

 

Yes. What's your point?

[Nightsky]

Yes. What's your point?

 

Can't always help who you're attracted too. You can either be a friend to this girl, or try something, or just give up. I understand why you feel the way you do but it's imature and feeling sorry for yourself, getting mad at some one for who they are into will only cause you drama and pain.

[purgatori]

Can't always help who you're attracted too. You can either be a friend to this girl, or try something, or just give up. I understand why you feel the way you do but it's imature and feeling sorry for yourself, getting mad at some one for who they are into will only cause you drama and pain.

 

If being sad about being 30, still alone, and unable to even maintain a friendship with girls I like is "feeling sorry for myself" and "immature", then so be it. I've never been very good at repressing what I feel. And this might also be immature, but the way I figure it is, if girls can look down on me for not being "manly" then I can look down on them for shackling themselves to snarling neanderthals not fit to so much as hold their hand, let-alone anything else.

[Nightsky]

If being sad about being 30, still alone, and unable to even maintain a friendship with girls I like is "feeling sorry for myself" and "immature", then so be it. I've never been very good at repressing what I feel. And this might also be immature, but the way I figure it is, if girls can look down on me for not being "manly" then I can look down on them for shackling themselves to snarling neanderthals not fit to so much as hold their hand, let-alone anything else.

 

Part of being a good friend is not judging people.

[purgatori]

Part of being a good friend is not judging people.

 

I'm not any kind of friend to her anymore, and that's partly why. But under that definition I'm not really a good friend to anyone. I know, as I stated earlier, that popular convention enjoins us to be accepting and non-judgmental of our friends to an absolute degree, but that's not a feat I can pull off, or even really respect.

 

If one of my friends joins some crazy doomsday cult, then I'm going to regard that as a foolish move on their part; and don't really understand how or why anyone else would reserve judgment in such an instance. Nor do I quite understand how everyone else can be "ok" with a beautiful, intelligent, funny, sweet girl tossing herself into the dog pen and allowing some hideous animal to treat her as his "bitch." It strikes me as being akin to walking past a beached whale and saying, "oh well, it was his choice, got to respect it!" I don't get that at all, because to me it's just a tragedy when a beautiful creature is driven by some impulse that results in throwing its life away.

[Ross MwcFan]

Kind of cruel how you just blocked her.

[purgatori]

Kind of cruel how you just blocked her.

 

I agree She has lost very little in losing me, but I won't deny that it was a lousy thing to do.

Edited February 29, 2012 by purgatori

[CC12]

Worst of all, this has happened before, and will happen again any time I make the idiotic decision to allow myself to fall for someone.

 

Your decision to allow yourself to fall for someone wasn't idiotic. What was idiotic was the way you handled it. So, yes, "this" will happen again if you continue to act like an idiot.

 

You got so upset that a friend of yours expressed attraction to men who aren't like you that you reacted in "utter horror" and deleted your account, like a god damned baby. You called her a "machista douche" for that. In light of the thread you linked to where you complain that nobody understands your sexuality, where do you get off calling her out for her comments and accusing her of "not seeming very 'gay-ish" to you? You're bitter because when you made a move she said she was flattered but no thanks, I'm gay. And now you think that if she ever has heterosexual tendencies, they should automatically be with you because you asked her first, or something?

 

You're seriously offended that she's attracted to men who you don't identify with, as if it's an insult to you. And you tried to punish her by blocking her on Twitter. Hahaha. Oh, you.

 

It is ridiculous and frankly ****ing disgusting that you feel like she wronged you and that you're entitled to anything with her.

[purgatori]

You got so upset that a friend of yours expressed attraction to men who aren't like you that you reacted in "utter horror" and deleted your account, like a god damned baby. You called her a "machista douche" for that.

 

I didn't call her a machista douche, I called him a machista douche.

 

In light of the thread you linked to where you complain that nobody understands your sexuality, where do you get off calling her out for her comments and accusing her of "not seeming very 'gay-ish" to you? You're bitter because when you made a move she said she was flattered but no thanks, I'm gay. And now you think that if she ever has heterosexual tendencies, they should automatically be with you because you asked her first, or something?

 

I thought I made it fairly clear that I was actually over-the-moon when she said she was flattered. The reaction I anticipated was much, much worse. Besides, I would be happier if she had no heterosexual tendencies at all, so for that to be the reason she wasn't interested would be great... except it wasn't, and if you're asking me whether I'm bitter about being lied to? Yeah, a little.

 

Even though you frame it as a rhetorical question, I'm going to answer it anyway. No, I don't think that any such tendencies should "automatically" run in my direction:

 

I actually don't mind being rejected on the grounds that I'm not pretty, smart, or interesting enough...

 

Despite not being overly enamored of my own sex, there are multitudes of guys I regard as being far more worthy of the girl in question, or of any other girl, really. I just would not count the likes of the cretin she mentioned among them.

 

You're seriously offended that she's attracted to men who you don't identify with, as if it's an insult to you. And you tried to punish her by blocking her on Twitter. Hahaha. Oh, you.

 

How is it not an insult, though? If someone passes you over for a job, and then hires a monkey to fill the position, would you not feel insulted?

 

But it's not just that it feels like an insult to me, but that it debases her. The spectacle of any woman allowing herself to be manacled by some lantern-jawed, factory-pressed, ridiculously hypertrophied nimrod is one that has always been inherently noxious to me.

 

It is ridiculous and frankly ****ing disgusting that you feel like she wronged you and that you're entitled to anything with her.

 

Wronged? Yes; in part because I was lied to, but the greater portion of this feeling has no real legitimate grounds, I readily concede. I was all too willing to let myself believe that she was "different" from other bi/straight women as far as mate preferences were concerned -- and not only mate preferences, but notions regarding what constitutes a "proper man."

 

But did I ever imagine that I was in any way deserving, let-alone "entitled" to be with her? No way. I am in almost every way inferior to her, and I can't imagine why her -- or any other woman, for that matter -- would want to be with me. I'm just not quite as loathsome as the guys that a lot of women cite as being the "best in breed." For one thing, I actually like spending time with women, rather than just tolerating them for the sake of sex.

 

If you still find all of that "ridiculous" and "disgusting," then that's fine -- I don't necessarily disagree with you.