So, my girlfriend's off to cancun (without me)

[thenewdenial]

Hi guys, i've been reading the site for a while and it seems like you're a genuine and supportive group. Thererore I'm hoping you could help me out with a problem i've been dealing with for a while now:

 

I've been with my girlfriend for about 4 months now, and am deeply in love with her. In about a week, she's headed off to Cancun with her friends for a week for vacation. I am uncomfortably afraid that she will cheat on me. I've seen all those MTV crazy spring break shows, and I'm afraid to even look at the case for "The Real Cancun" at the video store. I've never been cheated on in any of my previous relationships, but for some reason I'm hypersensitive to the whole issue. I guess it's just that i imagine her cheating on me would break my heart into more pieces then anything else she could do. So anyway, more about her. She has cheated on her last (and only) boyfriend of two years. But, she was not happy in the relationship and hadn't been for some time, and there was a guy she kind of liked. (She assures me this is not an excuse, and does not condone cheating, and has learned her lesson.)

 

She's going to cancun with her best friend and a couple of other friends. Her best friend, has said that she intends to cheat on her boyfriend. My girlfriend assures me that she would never cheat on me, that i'm different, and that she's never felt like this about anyone before. (I really don't think she's just giving me lines; I've seen reasonable evidence to corroborate those statements. [geez, I sound like a lawyer!]) I suppose one comforting fact is that although best friends, they are almost completly different people. But I know that they will be going to clubs and drinking. Although the thought of her dancing with other guys bothers me a bit (a lot), I know she will and I guess that's something i'll have to live with. (especially with how suggestive dancing is these days. [Now I sound like a 37 year old dad! (I'm only 18.)]) But I'm just so afraid that it'll go further then that. I wouldn't be at all suprised if her best friend would encourage her to do so. My girlfriend has a lot of sense, but I'm worried about how that sense will hold under peer pressure and with a few beers in her.

 

Our relationship is great. She's everything I've ever wanted in a girl, and (unless she's lying), I'm everything she's ever wanted in a guy. This trip was all planned and paid for before we met, so I can't say if this is something she would do to me normally. She knows this is a huge issue for me and has done her best to support and comfort, which I am of course thankful for. When it comes down to it, I do trust her. But I can't help these awful thoughts from finding their way into the back of my mind. So, do I have reason to worry?

 

If you think I'm leaving out any important info (as I may be), let me know and i'll respond with it.

 

Thanks in advance.

[lexnmike4enomore]

I'm sorry hunny........but when people get drunk.....guys in Cancun take advantage.....i went to Cancun for spring break once and the guys down there are savages. They go to Cancun specifically to hook up with a girl. Things get crazy down there and b/c shes in a different counrty....she might "accidentally" hook up with a guy. By accidentally i mean shell be dancing with someone and he might kiss her or grope her or something. But if you said that her best friend said that she has cheated before..than shes going to do it again....espically in the hook up capitol of the world. Try asking her if you can go too. Say you never went there before and it give you a chance to have as much sex as possible. Its a very sexy place and you two will want to have sex any chance you get. The clubs down there are nuts. I mean crazy. Girls giving body shots to other girls/ Guys licking the salt off of a girls neck. You have to go there to experience it. But fro m my expeirence.....she will cheat. Its a given when someone goes to Cancun. You cannot go there while with someone. I'm sorry. If you have any other questions let me know ill be happy to answer them.

[faux]

Relationships are based on trust. What I tell people in these situations is now becoming a canned response, but it's very true, so I hope you will pay attention to the information I am offering:

 

You can chain your SO up, keep tabs on her constantly and never leave her side. You can be very possessive and have people "keep an eye" on your SO at all times. If your SO is going to do something to break your trust or become unfaithful, your SO will find some way do to that. There is nothing that you can do to stop your SO from cheating on you, if your SO decides to do so. The same applies to you in your relationship.

 

Trust that your SO will do the right thing, and that your SO will keep your faith and uphold the trust that you have built together. If you are concerned about such things, please discuss your fears openly with your SO before jealousy fully sets in. Have a conversation, be open, and be honest. Be kind and take the time to explain things. Do not make accusations, but freely discuss how you feel about certain situations. Do these things before your jealousy and insecurities grow larger, and begin to cause more problems in your relationship.

 

Either something undesirable will happen, or it will not. Either way, you will come out of this with deeper insight into how meaningful this relationship is

[Pyrannaste]

Hi,

was your girlfriend planning this trip to cancun before you two started dating?

Is it a girls-only trip? I guess so, otherwise I guess you'd have been asked to go with them.

 

Her best friend is planning to cheat on her bf (yeuch), what about the other two friends? Is at least one of them not single and not planning to cheat?

 

Does your girlfriend drink a lot? Does she usually get drunk and act irresponsible when drunk?

Would you trust her to go some other place where there would be drinking and partying on her own?

 

I think that if up to now you never had reasons to worry, you trusted her, she never acted in a suspicious way, it is very possible that she will not cheat.

I believe that if someone genuinely does NOT want to cheat on you, he/she won't even in a Cancun-like environment.

 

Yet I'd be worried, too, if my SO wanted to travel to a similar place.

 

Did you ask your gf if you can go to Cancun with them?

 

If this is not possible, I suggest to follow Faux's advice and discuss with her about your feelings and your fears.

[amerikajin]

The best thing you can be in a relationship is a realist. Understand that there's always the possibility that she could cheat, and understand that there's nothing you can do to prevent her from doing that if she wants to do that. Faux's message is right on the money: you either trust her, or you don't. And if you don't, then that's something you need to address - both for yourself and for her sake as well.

 

We all have a past. I'm sure most of us try to behave in a manner that is respectful toward other people, but even the best of us make mistakes in judgment or do things to hurt people. On the positive side, she at least had the integrity to tell you about her past indiscretions, which is an encouraging sign.

 

At the same time, you have to be a realist. Know that there is that possibility, but know that if you want to be with her, you have to trust that she will make decisions that will benefit both of you. If I may make an observation, just be careful about falling in love with someone so fast. Make her earn your respect before she gets your love.

 

While you can do nothing to prevent her from cheating, you can do a lot about it afterwards. How you react to her behavior is important. Don't ever tolerate disrespect. If she cheats, tell her to get lost.

[tiki]

Originally posted by Pyrannaste I believe that if someone genuinely does NOT want to cheat on you, he/she won't even in a Cancun-like environment.

 

I totally agree. If she's going to cheat on you, use it as a tool to open your eyes to see what type of a person she is. Look at it this way, if she does cheat, fine, at least it's over with all the sooner, and you've found out sooner than later. Trust her. Give her the bennie of the doubt.

 

Cancun is a crazy place, and I can only hope that she scheduled this BEFORE the two of you were an item.

 

And for the record, once a cheater, not always a cheater.

[Debster]

Granted my fiance and I are older than you two (or at least I am assuming so) but in our first month he went to Cancun by himself. He didn't cheat. Actually when he came back he said it made him realize how much he wanted to be with me.

 

Not everyone will cheat. Give your girlfriend some respect and the benefit of the doubt. Granted her best friend sounds like a bad influence but she is not your girlfriend. If she does cheat, then at least it's better you find out now than a couple more months or years down the line.

[thenewdenial]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

 

This is a girls-only trip, and was planned for at least a month or two before we even met. I don't think it's my place to ask to go, and unreasonable to ask her not to. Both of the other friends she is going with are in relationships. One I know would never think of cheating, the other I don't know enough about to pass judgment. So I guess there will be influences both bad and good.

 

She does like to drink a lot with her friends (without me, because the two of us are "socially awkward" together, but that's a whole different story.). She is a beautiful girl, so naturally she is hit on at such events left and right. But, to the best of my knowledge, even in these situations she has never given me reason to doubt her.

 

And as for using this trip as a judgment tool, it seems easier said then done. I mean, it won't be like me picking her up at the airport saying, "well, did you do it?!" and her, "Yep, I sure did!". Sorry for the gross exaggeration, but what I mean is it will be hard to confront. And even then, would she tell me the truth? From what I know of her personality, she would most likley feel guilty if she had, but probably express it in some other way besides saying "I cheated on you.". So I suppose I'll just have to keep my eyes peeled.

 

Thanks again

[amerikajin]

In most cases, you can tell if someone has been cheating just be observing their body language carefully. It may not immediately register that they've cheated on you, but you can often tell that your partner's mood may be different. If you sense that she's being cold or distant, that would be the time to broach the subject, though you want to be careful how you do it. And always do it face-to-face. Read her face, her emotions.

[Unlucky In Love]

Remember, no one owns anyone else. I've had a problem learning this myself. Now at the age of 32, I've finally figured it out.

 

You should treasure the time that you spend with your girlfriend and give her space when she wants to take a trip with her friends. You should plan a little trip of your own with your friends, a guys weekend to Daytona Beach, Florida. Wouldn't that be fun?

 

You have to remember this line from the Bee Gees: "If you give a little more than you're asking for, your love will turn the key."

 

Sometimes you have to test your relationship to see if it can survive the separate trips. If it can, then you know you really have a strong relationship and you all will stay together.

[average guy]

There is nothing you can do but wait untill she gets back and trust your instaincts if she is telling the truth or not. In the meantime, stop thinking about it. If she doesn't chaet on you, you may have built up so much resentment thinking she has that you have a fight with her as soon as she gets back for nothing.

 

Go out and have some fum yourself (not in bed with another woman! see old friends, go to the movies, fix the car, etc. to keep your mind off of it.

 

Good luck

 

Cheers,

 

A.G.

[Unlucky In Love]

I completely agree with average guy. Relationships last longer if both people enjoy their time apart and don't trip about it. Do something fun for yourself while she's gone. When she comes back, maybe you all should plan a trip together, just the two of you.

[SickOfSchool]

Hey NewDenial,

I just wanted to thank you for post. I also would like to thank everyone else for their thoughts. I got off the phone with my girlfriend who is on vacation in California, and I was overcome with similar fears. After reading the posts on this site (this thread in particular), I feel much better. I want to wish you the best of luck in your relationship. It sounds like the both you are lucky to be with each other. Well, have a nice day all!

[savethedrama4allama]

I have a group of friends who went to Cancun together, all girls. Two of them had boyfriends and they hung out together and watched out for each other. Both were totally faithful to their guys, they just played drinking games with each other while the other girls were doing stuff with guys. Don't worry, Cancun does not necessarily mean cheating.

[ello]

Hi thenewdenial,

 

I am replying cause I have gone through something similar. I know what you mean when you say that you cant look at those video covers, I get sick to my stomach when I see a palm tree to this day. My post is in the infidelity forums, and I am not writing this because I think that she will cheat and this will happen to you, I am writing this so that you will not do the stupid things I did. My bf won a trip to Miami Florida, as well as all the passes to the big Spring Break parties. He asked me to go, and I was in my last stretch of the college school year, busy with final exams, etc. I did not want either of us to go on this trip. Please read the story for the whole picture.

 

My point is, first of all, dont make such a big deal of her going on this trip. And do not get in a fight and break up over it (youll find out what I mean in the story) Shes gonna go, its already planned. If she cheats and she is supposed to be committed to you, then at least you will hopefully find out what shes like sooner rather than later. (providing that you will know the truth) Dont listen to what her friends say. They dont seem like very good friends if they are saying stuff like that about her. Maybe she did cheat on her ex, but you guys are only about 18, so what was she like 16 when this happened. You cant really judge her because of something she did when she was so young.

 

My advice is just to express your feelings about this, tell her how uncomfortable you are and dont worry so much. I worried so much I made myself sick. While he was gone I ended up staying home in bed anyway, with knots in my tummy. I think that I was the one that actually made my worst fear come true. I also think that your fear of her cheating may stem from your own insecurities. (that is, if she has never given you a reason not to trust) She could very well be a honest, faithful girl. If she cheats, than you are better to know the truth now, rather than a few years later. Trust is very important in a relationship.

 

If you need to chat I think this forum has private messaging, or we can go through messenger. I am sure that I know how you are feeling at this point, and maybe I can help. Please take a look at my story, but remember, Im not trying to worry you more, I just dont want you to make matters worse in your situation. Maybe you can even give me a little advice, or an opinion. Let me know if you read it, and what you think.

 

Hope this helps

Best Wishes

Ello

[wanker86]

hello everyone,

i was in the same boat as newdenial, but my gf just got back from cancun the other day. the night before i had been up late just thinking of what was going to come when she got back, i didn't know what to expect. all these terrible things ran through my mind. so anyways, she got back and was real hesitant about telling me anything (you know, one word answers to all). after about 6 questions in a row dealing with what she did at night, she finally told me that she had gone out to danceclubs a ton and had danced with guys. another question revealed that she didnt know how many guys she danced with. just to let you all know, i'm a pretty conservative and protective guy, and hearing this made me quite angry. she said "what was i spossed to do? my friend went out and i wanted to too." well, truth is, one friend went out, one didnt. the one who did ended up hooking with with as many as 4 guys in one night (and she has a semi-bf!). the other stayed in for the same reasons my gf normally stays in (doesnt like big crowds or being hit on).

i told her that she just shouldnt have danced with all these random guys (# is around 50, which makes me sick). her excuse was that she didnt know any of the guys so it didnt mean anything, but one of the reasons I love dancing with her is that its something special that we share (well not anymore). then i found out guys were all over her when she was dancing. this whole situation makes me sick. so my questions are:

1. should i drop the whole situation? (its been 2 days now)

2. should i vent over it to myself?

3. should i bring it up in a serious conversation?

4. should i just bring it up in sarcastic comments mocking it? (i have a tendency to be sarcastic when im upset)

5. should i probe deeper to find out more details?

any advice/tips/experience would be helpfull, i don't know quite what to do next.

[SickOfSchool]

Hi Wanker86,

You need to give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt. My girlfriend got back from her trip a few weeks ago, and granted it was awkward the first day, all is well now. Your girlfriend is with you for a reason. She cares about you and would never mean to hurt you intentionally. You need to trust her and not bring up the subject again. It has already happened and talking about it won't change anything. Another thing that I have difficulty grasping is that what happens happens. Nothing you can do or say will prevent it. Unfortunately, if she chooses to go a different path from yours, she will do so. Being protective now won't change a thing. I have a hard time dealing with this idea, as I am sometimes overprotective and jealous. It's something we all have to work on. Anywho, best of luck in your relationship. Have a nice day!

[Grinning Maniac]

Well that depends. How much do you trust her?

 

I mean, if REALLY trust her, don't worry about it. So she danced with a bunch of people in a club. It's Cancun. You want her to just sit there? About guys being all over her when dancing...isn't that all club dancing is these days? ****...that's the only way I dance. Dancing is something special you share? Bah. Get over yourself. It's just dancing. The fact that you got angry about her dancing with people(with no indication that anything else happened) makes me wonder about you, to be honest.

 

Now...if you have any REAL reason to think that "dancing" moved over to the hotel for a little bedroom bang-bang, ask away. If you have suspicions and you don't come out with it, it's just going to well up inside of you and you'll end up blowing up at her one day and crying like a little bitch with a skinned knee.

 

Follow your gut.

[amerikajin]

Wanker (what's in a name? ),

 

Here's my take:

 

There are different levels of intensity in a relationship.

 

There's the kind of relationship in which you date each other but don't take each other too seriously. This is the kind of relationship that is common for people who are college age (late teens to early to mid 20s). You date each other for a few months or maybe a few years, and then eventually break up and move on to something better. In this kind of relationship, you respect exclusivity but you also allow each other a chance to have your own lives as individuals and let whatever may happen, happen. In this situation, a girls night out at a dance club may not be such a bad thing. I mean, I could probably forgive a girlfriend of mine for going out and dancing with different guys. To be honest, I probably wouldn't want to know everything, but I wouldn't hold it over her head like a guillotine or anything.

 

I would not, however, tolerate such behavior from someone whom I was interested in having a long-term relationship with. I wouldn't accept that from a wife or a fiance. That doesn't mean she can't dance or go out and have a good time with her friends, but discretion is required.

 

I guess it depends on what you want from her, but to be fair, she has to know where your relationship stands. Sounds like you two have some talking to do.