Girlfriend considers her ex her "best friend".......

[Sabian]

I've been posting here and other places about retroactive jealousy and my issues with it, but I want to get some more specific insight into my situation.

 

My girlfriend has had three serious relationships. Me being one of them and obviously the most recent. The relationship before me ended pretty badly due to jealousy and mistrust on his part. For awhile I listened to her complain about the guy and I obviously was more than happy to hear her rip into her ex, but the longer I'm with her, the more I find myself somewhat agreeing with the guy.

 

The problem stems from her first relationship which ended mutually and she only really tells me that although they are friends, they don't work together as a couple and decided to just stay friends. She now considers this guy one of, if not her best friend and texts him almost every day. Thank god this guy lives thousands of miles away or else I think they would also hang out.

 

I know a few specific sexual experiences she has had with this guy, and the fact that she talks to him a lot has really really started eating me away. The last guy obviously got fed up with it as well and the same thing seems to be happening here.

 

I don't read her texts, but it seems friendly enough. Nothing too bad, but every once in awhile I'll see some FB comment exchanges between them that are fairly flirty.

 

I've mentioned the guy before to her and she pretty much immediately gets pissed at me for being jealous. She says that he is her very good friend and that he has helped her through some tough times when she was younger. Then pretty much makes me feel like **** for even being a little jealous.

 

 

Am I wrong for worrying about this? I've never seen someone be this friendly with their ex, let alone consider them their best friend. I can't imagine what I'd do if the guy actually lived near us.

 

Am I completely out of line and just have to sit back and watch her talk to this guy a lot? If not, how do I talk to her about it without pissing her off? How do I explain that it's very hurtful to me to be talking to and about this guy so much. There have even been times when she has said things like "Oh "Ex's name" used to do this, you should to." Stuff like that just kills me.

 

How do I fix this? Is it all my issue? Is it just a lost cause?

 

Thanks

[Million.to.1]

The only advice I can offer is to trust that you yourself are a fantastic boyfriend.

If your GF wanted to be with her ex, then she would be. Try not to let jealousy over this eat away at you. Whether you actually have anything to worry about or not is a really a giant question mark.

 

Jealousy is fueled by insecurity. If you were to reach deep inside and act in the most positive, grounded and mature way you could, you would not be worried about it at all. They have had their time and made a decision to change the dynamics of their relationship for whatever reason. This doesn't mean that it may not change again, but whatever you do, say, be, can't control that anyway. Trust her. You don't really have any other choice unless you want to end it.

 

 

Trust that you are a catch and you aren't at risk of losing anything that is ultimately right for you anyway.

[Sabian]

This doesn't mean that it may not change again, but whatever you do, say, be, can't control that anyway.

 

How can nothing I do affect whether or not she would go crawling back to him? What's the point of even trying if in the end it doesn't matter and she's going to either be with him or not......

 

I don't believe that.

[nofool4u]

Girlfriend considers her ex her "best friend".......

 

Then you'll be sorry sooner or later if you don't consider your gf your X-gf.

[salparadise]

I don't think that you are unjustified in feeling as you do. Whether or not he's actually a threat to your relationship is not clear, but it is clear that you aren't comfortable with her maintaining contact and she should understand and respect that, assuming you aren't obsessive and controlling. It's a form of keeping her options open, keeping backup in play, avoiding being decisive and committed.

 

Jealously is a natural emotion and, within reason, it's healthy and normal. I certainly don't want to have to endure a woman's ex's when I'm in a relationship, and I make it a point early on to figure out how a woman handles them. I believe in clean breaks, I don't maintain contact even though I have a few who would like to, expect the same consideration.

[Chi townD]

I think the only time I would get pissed about it, is if I was spending time with her and she's spending that time texting him. Like, If I took her out to dinner and she texting through dinner...or, snuggling on the couch watching a movie and she's texting away. Then, that's intrusive and disrespectful of our time together. At that point it's not you and her. It's you, her and him. IF this is happening, then yeah...I'd be pissed too.

[darkmoon]

boyf and girlfriend = best friends on my planet

 

not sure if i claim to know everything but an ex as a "best friend" would leave me feeling a bit redundant your girl sounds selfish tbh spoiled

[make me believe]

You are not wrong.

 

Your gf made her ex the priority in her last relationship and was willing to lose her boyfriend for him. She is already doing the same thing to do, and she should lose you because of it too. I don't believe in being "best friends" with an ex. If he lived nearby, she'd probably be dating him. Her "friendship" with him is inappropriate and undermines your relationship, but she doesn't care because he is more important to her. She's choosing HIM over YOU. I wouldn't put up with it. Dump her, let her have her "best friend," and find a girl who loves you & puts you first.

[bikinibeach]

You are not wrong.

 

Your gf made her ex the priority in her last relationship and was willing to lose her boyfriend for him. She is already doing the same thing to do, and she should lose you because of it too. I don't believe in being "best friends" with an ex. If he lived nearby, she'd probably be dating him. Her "friendship" with him is inappropriate and undermines your relationship, but she doesn't care because he is more important to her. She's choosing HIM over YOU. I wouldn't put up with it. Dump her, let her have her "best friend," and find a girl who loves you & puts you first.

 

Exactly.

 

Or more bluntly, dump her ass. Like, yesterday.

[veggirl]

I would never date someone who considered their ex their "best friend" or even someone who was in regular contact with an ex. Your girl already let her relationship with him ruin things with one guy, I'd expect the same if I was you. Sounds like she just craves attention from men.

[Eddie Edirol]

You are not wrong.

 

Her "friendship" with him is inappropriate and undermines your relationship, but she doesn't care because he is more important to her. She's choosing HIM over YOU. I wouldn't put up with it. Dump her, let her have her "best friend," and find a girl who loves you & puts you first.

 

QFT

To add to this, Ill hazard a guess that she isnt over him, and wont let herself get over him completely. Theres nothing you can do if thats what she wants. I think she is with you to pass time, since you arent a strong enough presence in her mind to stop talking to him, I dont think she is serious about you. I think you are another rebound, and as long as he is her "best friend", everyone after you will be rebounds. Put it this way, if you havent made her want to forget about him, then she can forget about you pretty easily. Dump her.

[Bryanp]

I wonder how she would feel if your absolute best friend was your ex girlfriend also? This is a mistake waiting to happen.

[Sabian]

Thanks for confirming what I've always believed to be true. However, there is one detail that I didn't mention and am wondering if it changes anything.

 

My gf's mom passed away before I knew her and she claims the ex in question was one of the only people to help her through it. That is a big reason why she considers him a best friend, because he was there for her when her mom passed.

 

Does this fact change anything? How do I confront her about this? IM sure she'll see it as me asking her to stop talking to a person who helped her cope with the most painful thing she has ever gone through.

 

I'm beginning to think that her and this guy are forever linked by the death and no matter how many times she says she doesn't want to be with him, she'll always end up going back to him....

 

Ive somewhat brought the idea of her still wanting him and every time she pretty convincingly states that she never wants to be with him despite wanting to remain friends. Apparently they fought pretty bad when they were together, but get along fine as friends...

 

I don't want to just dump her without talking about it. What's the best way to go about doing that?

 

Thanks again.

[Bryanp]

A relationship should be between 2 people and not 3. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Her actions speak volumes and I think you know this.

[carhill]

More evidence

 

My read is over-investment in a dry hole. BTDT. Good luck.

[JohnP82]

A relationship should be between 2 people and not 3. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Her actions speak volumes and I think you know this.

 

Seriously. Why are you listening to your girlfriend complain about past dudes instead of what she learned. Feelings are still there.

[Eddie Edirol]

My gf's mom passed away before I knew her and she claims the ex in question was one of the only people to help her through it. That is a big reason why she considers him a best friend, because he was there for her when her mom passed.

 

.

 

She is using that as an excuse that you cant argue with without coming off cold hearted. Its the same as calling a woman out on flaking on you after she cancelled because "her grandma died". If she is justifying any reason to keep talking to him, its a bond that she wants to keep.

 

 

Tell her its him or you, but realize when you do this, you already know the answer.

[Chi townD]

She is using that as an excuse that you cant argue with without coming off cold hearted. Its the same as calling a woman out on flaking on you after she cancelled because "her grandma died". If she is justifying any reason to keep talking to him, its a bond that she wants to keep.

 

 

Tell her its him or you, but realize when you do this, you already know the answer.

 

I agreed. But be prepared for her to make you look like the bad guy. "It isn't fair that you're making me choose between you two."....blah...blah...

 

But, it will prove something, she values him more than you.

[USMCHokie]

Easy LAUNCH. The thousands of miles are probably what makes him a best friend and not a boyfriend...the fact that he "helped her" through a tough time doesn't mean sh*t...tell her to give him a cookie and move on with his life...

[kaylan]

How old are you two? I only ever hear of young girls being so immature as to let their exes interfere in their new love life.

 

Ill tell you this from everything Ive seen in my life...not just from my experiences, but from my friends and others around me as well;

 

If you are dating someone and they let their ex be an issue of drama in your relationship in this way, they obviously care more about the relationship they have with their "best friend" than they do with the person they are dating.

 

Its one thing to remain civil with an ex, but I personally feel that being friends, real friends with an ex, is disrespectful to a new relationship. And when I say real friends, I mean the kind who hang out alone and talk to each other about problems and what not. The way most friends do...but this isnt appropriate with an ex when you are seeing someone new. It shows a lack of respect for the new relationship. Its ok to be friendly with an ex, and talk here or there, but best friends? Get that ish outta here brah.

 

I say you need to be honest with her, tell her you care for her but it seems like she makes your relationship less important than her friendship with her ex. If she doesnt agree to change her behavior, dont plead, dont show her youre upset or anything...simply tell her "well this wont work for me any longer...I guess this has to be goodbye...I expect different from a relationship". And go on your way.

 

Best of luck.

[freestyle]

being friends, real friends with an ex, is disrespectful to a new relationship. And when I say real friends, I mean the kind who hang out alone and talk to each other about problems and what not. The way most friends do...but this isnt appropriate with an ex when you are seeing someone new. It shows a lack of respect for the new relationship. Its ok to be friendly with an ex, and talk here or there, but best friends?

 

....I expect different from a relationship". And go on your way.

 

.

 

 

Good post Kaylan. It sums up my thoughts precisely.

 

I also skimmed the other thread of yours, Sabian, that Carhill linked.

 

It strikes me that your gf is deliberately trying to press your insecurity buttons.

 

Why would she do that?

 

Because it puts her in the 'one-up' position.If your on the defensive, and trying to prove yourself---she stands to benefit from you jumping through higher and even higher hoops.

 

It's a control game, a power play.I suspect some people who insist on keeping their exes close at hand do it for that very reason.

 

It's NOT what love is about---there's no real love without genuine mutual respect.

[nofool4u]

I don't want to just dump her without talking about it. What's the best way to go about doing that?

 

Thanks again.

 

Tell her, "we need to talk"

 

When she says, "what do you want to talk about"

 

You say: "You think its acceptable that an X-bf of yours can still be your best friend, someone you have been intimate with. I don't want a gf with a guy friend she boned. Good bye"

[abouttoloseit]

Kick that girl to the kurb mate. You'll thank us all for it!

 

[Smithers]

I'd leave her.

 

Not to say your situation would turn the same, but I was in your exact same position a long time ago.

 

Long story short; he moved back to town, they got back together and eventually married.

[RiverRunning]

If your GF wanted to be with her ex, then she would be.

 

I've heard this advice over and over again, but I think it's largely inaccurate and even harmful. There are plenty of reasons why she might not pursue her ex - for one, he lives thousands of miles away. Maybe she can't afford to live with him, the ex can't afford to support her if she were to move in, etc. Any number of variables. Maybe it's more worth it for her to emotionally invest in him, get the physical and emotional interaction with the OP, plus his 'jealousy' to fuel a self-esteem boost in her, and keep her life intact by staying exactly where she is?

 

I've settled in relationships before or stayed with someone when they made me incredibly unhappy because I felt I couldn't do better and whatnot.

 

My feeling is that just because your girlfriend isn't running into her ex's arms and sleeping with him doesn't make her obvious emotional attachment to him a huge problem in your relationship. Oftentimes, I think that emotional attachment is what's far more damaging than the fact that they communicate.

 

I put up with something similar for far too long. And I thought I had retroactive jealousy. I was eaten alive with it. If I dared try to tell him that I didn't like that he had deceived me about not talking to his ex, he'd snap at me, "Oh, you're just jealous/insecure/controlling." It took discussions with several others to have my eyes opened to the fact that I was merely trying to protect my territory, of sorts. He had slept with the girl and had a relationship with her before. It was not a big stretch of an imagination that by starting out the relationship deceitfully and carrying on any relationship with her that he was NOT over the relationship. And he wasn't. He claimed he was over her until the day I left him, but even you know that actions speak louder than words, OP.

 

History is repeating itself. I think you need to lay down the terms: i.e., you will not be able to stay with someone who's in contact with an ex - and see where it goes. If she's at all defensive, it's just time for you to go. If she's not willing to negotiate or even agree, my feeling is that if she does later reluctantly agree, you'll find secret text messages being exchanged behind your back instead. I think it's really better just to move on.

 

My honest feeling is that you don't really have RJ, especially because the threat to your relationship is IN the present, and she's making that way. She's made her ex a priority in the past, she will continue to make him a priority into the future.

 

It's really irrelevant that he helped her through her mother's death. It's very sad her mother died, but she needs to get into therapy and address her grief over that in some other way. You know, lots of people helped me through tough times, but sometimes our friendships/relationships just ran their course and it was time to move on. I don't forget the ways in which they helped me, but clinging to the past is never helpful. Your girlfriend isn't ready to move on...in multiple ways, apparently.