Don't want to get over her

[ThaWholigan]

Somedude, I've been through this before.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/312180-afraid-speak-her-again-why-story-what-lead-improve

 

Check the thread......

 

It's difficult to get over, but the best thing you can do is ignore all of that stuff. It's difficult for me because I'm still on somewhat good terms with her (although we rarely contact each other), but I have my pursuits, my goals, and the knowledge that there are probably about 20million other women in my city alone and some are going to be even more attractive to me than she was. Fixating is easy to fall into when you lack the experience of relationships as well as a lack of understanding of your own emotions and how to effectively control them. The best advice I can give you is to find a creative pursuit. I was always a musician, so I started to write poetry and rap songs, and even picked up a little bit of singing aswell, as a way of exercising my emotions and feelings.

 

As for getting over her, stop looking at her pictures. Go out and create new memories. Get some friends too, they always help. I strongly suspect the reason you are finding it difficult to get over this is because you don't have a social circle. You have to be careful of this, because you can slowly send yourself crazy. I love being alone sometimes, I even have full blown conversations with myself when nobody's around (blame it on the autism ), but I always try to make the effort and reach out to people, and as a result I have quite a few good friends and a large list of acquaintances. You should do the same.

[whichwayisup]

Honestly, I don't want to get over her unless I have somebody that I can replace her with.

 

Yes it's all a big fantasy.

 

I know I have to get over her eventually. I'm thinking of pulling out my trump card and if nothing comes out of that, I'll start to move on.

 

The only reason I haven't used it yet is because it involves another person and I didn't want to get her involved but it seems the only way now.

 

This is wrong thinking somedude. You'll never let anybody else into your heart as long as you're still pining for her and not over her. I hope you understand that? No other woman has a chance with you because your heart is still on HER.

 

What's your trump card? To try to woo her back somehow involving another girl to make her jealous and want you back?

[somedude81]

This is wrong thinking somedude. You'll never let anybody else into your heart as long as you're still pining for her and not over her. I hope you understand that? No other woman has a chance with you because your heart is still on HER.

Actually, I think I can.

 

I'm sure getting another girl would help me dissolve the feelings for this one. I've actually chased a few girls while I had feelings for her but they just didn't work out.

What's your trump card? To try to woo her back somehow involving another girl to make her jealous and want you back?

She's just a mutual friend that I haven't talked to in a while who may be able to facilitate a meeting. I'm just feeling a little guilty that I'm thinking about contacting her just so I can talk about the other girl.

 

I don't have any hope of wooing her but I feel that if I'm able to talk to her, I might be able to get some closure.

[tman666]

Put every single thing that reminds you of her into a box and then put it into the fireplace. Don't put it in your trashcan. Destroy it. I know it sounds a little psychopathic, but it's sort of like having junk food in the house if you're on a diet. Having any of her keepsakes available to you makes it too easy to revel in your sadness and fantasies. To break this addiction, you need to take away the catalyst.

 

Step one would be to make a list (actually get out a piece of paper and write it down) of everything that reminds you of her. Label it "negative triggers".

 

Step two is to take everything on that list that you can physically destroy and do so, permanently. No more looking at photos, no more facebook connections, no more saved photos on your computer, no more notes or chat logs, no more gifts, nada.

 

Make sure that when you do this, you're feeling strong and feeling like you're ready to move on. Later on, when you're feeling down, you'll have no salt to rub in the wound.

 

Step three: make a major life change. You need something that is going to take up more of your time and energy. Sitting alone playing video games might seem like a retreat, but it's only a very temporary bandaid and will ultimately do nothing for allowing you to progress in any way shape or form. My advice would be to get involved with a group of people that volunteer (Habitat for Humanity comes to mind).

[Like Monster]

You still Like her, right? So, technically speaking here, she's a Like of yours?

 

Then just walk up to her and eat her! That's not innuendo. I mean like, actually digest her. At least, that's what I do with Likes.

 

Mmmmmmmmmmm, Likes.

[somedude81]

Put every single thing that reminds you of her into a box and then put it into the fireplace. Don't put it in your trashcan. Destroy it. I know it sounds a little psychopathic, but it's sort of like having junk food in the house if you're on a diet. Having any of her keepsakes available to you makes it too easy to revel in your sadness and fantasies. To break this addiction, you need to take away the catalyst.

 

Step one would be to make a list (actually get out a piece of paper and write it down) of everything that reminds you of her. Label it "negative triggers".

 

Step two is to take everything on that list that you can physically destroy and do so, permanently. No more looking at photos, no more facebook connections, no more saved photos on your computer, no more notes or chat logs, no more gifts, nada.

 

Make sure that when you do this, you're feeling strong and feeling like you're ready to move on. Later on, when you're feeling down, you'll have no salt to rub in the wound.

 

Step three: make a major life change. You need something that is going to take up more of your time and energy. Sitting alone playing video games might seem like a retreat, but it's only a very temporary bandaid and will ultimately do nothing for allowing you to progress in any way shape or form. My advice would be to get involved with a group of people that volunteer (Habitat for Humanity comes to mind).

The problem is that that are so many things that remind me of her. The triggers are things that she thinks, things that we did together.

 

Hell, the Ninja Turtles make think of her because she had a TMNT backpack and she bought a poster when we went to the mall.

 

There really isn't anything I can do about those.

[2sunny]

Throw away every picture of her and also anything that reminds you of her. That will help you start moving forward!

 

You wouldn't believe what I threw away when my 20 year marriage ended.

[somedude81]

There's something I just fully became aware of.

 

We all know that there is no chance I can get her. It's a fools errand.

 

But then for me, it's not actually different from trying to get anybody else. I think I've pretty much accepted that I have no chance of getting a GF at all.

 

So if I have no chance of getting a girl that I already really like and no chance of getting a new girl, then I might as well keep plugging away. In the end it doesn't matter either way.

[Els]

Sorry you're feeling that way. I did pine for over a year over a guy who didn't want me, back in my early teens. I know how it feels, and I know it's not something you can 'snap out of' as easily as some people suggest.

 

You do need to take proactive steps to start MOVING towards that goal though. Starting with not looking at her pics, however much you want to. What worked for me was finding a hobby I was passionate about (that was how I started gaming!) and throwing myself into it.

 

Good luck.

[Meeks7]

For some reason, they (male and female) never really wanted to talk about her and I remember one lady just making me feel bad for having feelings. Needless to say I didn't see her for long.

 

Somedude, as mentioned in another thread, would you be willing to meet up with my friend's friend (who is in the business of helping hurting people heal and process their feelings)? 30 minutes, coffee shop in Socal. Could do you a world of good. It's free. Help is available.

 

Question is, do you want it?

 

Here's your chance. What do you say?

[OliveOyl]

There were two guys in my life who I felt obsessed with (totally in love, felt like soul mates, yadda yadda yadda). In both cases, they were good friends but "nothing more." (One, I even frequently held hands with, but we were "only" friends.) One I met in my late teens, the other, my late 20s.

 

I just wanted to tell you this to say, that I did completely and totally get over both men. Now I look back rather fondly but without any pangs at all. However I will admit in both cases it did take quite some time. Perhaps the better part of a year for each. Both times I felt my heart torn apart. And now, I feel fine. No regrets.

 

I just wanted to say, there's light at the end of the tunnel. You will get over her.

[somedude81]

Damn I'm angry today. I don't know what it is.

 

I've decided that I'm going to camp out next to her dorm for a few hours to see if I can see her and learn her schedule. Then I can "run into" her later on and just see if she'll acknowledge me.

 

I've been moaning long enough and now it's time to take action.

 

Once I've done what I can, I'll then work on getting over her.

[jerbear]

You're taking this to the extreme to fatal attraction and you're not a woman!

Isn't what you are doing stalkerish?

 

Don't get yourself expelled and have a restraining order.

[somedude81]

You're taking this to the extreme to fatal attraction and you're not a woman!

Isn't what you are doing stalkerish?

 

Don't get yourself expelled and have a restraining order.

It's almost stalkerish. I don't exactly plan on waiting in front of the door.

 

I know the main route she uses to get to the dorms from campus and there is a nice little table area near the dorms that overlooks it.

 

I could be sitting there and she can walk along her path and never notice me.

 

Then later on, I can be walking down that path and just "run into her."

 

Hopefully I she'll be willing to talk to me and I can give her the ring.

 

..

Edited March 6, 2012 by somedude81

[jerbear]

It's almost stalkerish. I don't exactly plan on waiting in front of the door.

 

I know the main route she uses to get to the dorms from campus and there is a nice little table area near the dorms that overlooks it.

 

I could be sitting there and she can walk along her path and never notice me.

 

Then later on, I can be walking down that path and just "run into her."

 

Hopefully I she'll be willing to talk to me and I can give her the ring.

 

..

Don't do it! Don't give her the ring! You'll make a fool of yourself!

 

Go ride your bike for awhile. Take a trip somewhere. What you are doing is destructive.

[Meeks7]

Damn I'm angry today. I don't know what it is.

 

I've decided that I'm going to camp out next to her dorm for a few hours to see if I can see her and learn her schedule. Then I can "run into" her later on and just see if she'll acknowledge me.

 

I've been moaning long enough and now it's time to take action.

 

Once I've done what I can, I'll then work on getting over her.

 

You are partially correct. You have been moaning long enough and now it's time to take action. Where you are dangerously wrong however is the course of plan you are plotting. What would be healthy is you meeting up with a counselor. You still never got back to me about meeting my friend's friend. Didn't you say in the other thread what you absolutely needed is someone to talk to in real life? No more excuses. Go see my friend's friend.

 

 

It's almost stalkerish. I don't exactly plan on waiting in front of the door.

 

I know the main route she uses to get to the dorms from campus and there is a nice little table area near the dorms that overlooks it.

 

I could be sitting there and she can walk along her path and never notice me.

 

Then later on, I can be walking down that path and just "run into her."

 

Hopefully I she'll be willing to talk to me and I can give her the ring.

 

..

 

OMG OMG OMG no! Just, no. Don't do it. I made the same mistake before. It's a totally desperate move and will only make you feel worse. Please leave the poor girl alone and seek out someone you can talk to in real life (see my friend's friend HINT HINT). This is unhealthy beyond unhealthy. Please stop. Please seek help.

[KathyM]

You really need to face reality with this woman. You tried to be her friend for two years, and she never was interested in a dating or romantic relationship with you. Why on earth would you give her a ring if you never even had dated whatsoever? She won't be interested. You need to accept that. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move on to pursue something that has a chance of working out. This is like beating a dead horse. No good can come from it.

[somedude81]

OK, I'll come clean.

 

I'm trolling with the ring comment.

 

Jerbear said I was being stalkerish with my plan so I turned the creepiness up to 11.

 

Yes I want to talk to her, but I'm not going to propose

[Nightsky]

OK, I'll come clean.

 

I'm trolling with the ring comment.

 

Jerbear said I was being stalkerish with my plan so I turned the creepiness up to 11.

 

Yes I want to talk to her, but I'm not going to propose

 

I like that jerbear said you'd make a fool out of yourself. Stalkerish and creepiness are words you should leave to scared women. You can't think like this somedude.

 

You already gave it a good try move on. Only go at it again if you have something new to try, the ring would be something new... but yes you would probably make a fool out of yourself. Probably just move on if you're just going to talk with her and do nothing new.

[somedude81]

I like that jerbear said you'd make a fool out of yourself. Stalkerish and creepiness are words you should leave to scared women. You can't think like this somedude.

 

You already gave it a good try move on. Only go at it again if you have something new to try, the ring would be something new... but yes you would probably make a fool out of yourself. Probably just move on if you're just going to talk with her and do nothing new.

Actually, I've been reading The Art of Seduction and got a whole bunch of new things I'd like to try.

 

I really wish I was reading the book when we were still talking.

 

But I need to reconnect with her and get things close to what they were before, then I can try the other method.

[cerridwen]

Throw the freaking ring in Mount Doom, Somedude.

[somedude81]

Throw the freaking ring in Mount Doom, Somedude.

But she's The One! My precious.

[cerridwen]

But she's The One! My precious.

 

:lmao:

 

You sick puppy!

[Teknoe]

You still never got back to me about meeting my friend's friend. Didn't you say in the other thread what you absolutely needed is someone to talk to in real life? No more excuses.

 

 

Don't hold your breath. SD81 is well known for being all talk, no action.

 

As soon as there is an element of being accountable, he runs the other way. Notice how he is ignoring your question now. It's sad but everything works on its own time. Perhaps he'll be mentally ready to face the core issues in 2-3 years, when he's 32-33. Maybe 35. 38. Who knows. But yeah, don't count on him seeing your buddy's friend. SD81 is just too comfortable in his self-imposed rut.

 

The day he REALLY applies himself will be the day I'll be a monkey's uncle.

[Teknoe]

Actually, I've been reading The Art of Seduction and got a whole bunch of new things I'd like to try.

 

I really wish I was reading the book when we were still talking.

 

But I need to reconnect with her and get things close to what they were before, then I can try the other method.

 

 

Said it before, will say it again.

 

You're chasing after the wrong issues while avoiding the core issues here. Why don't you start with knowing how to develop and maintain healthy relationships, period? Find out what it means to be reciprocal, show love, receive love and think of others before your own needs? Find out what it means to love others for the sake of loving others, whether male or female, without it HAVING to be in a GF capacity.

 

This is why you're constantly troubled and frustrated. You're skirting around the real issues here by projecting it onto something else.