Don't want to get over her

[somedude81]

Don't hold your breath. SD81 is well known for being all talk, no action.

 

As soon as there is an element of being accountable, he runs the other way. Notice how he is ignoring your question now. It's sad but everything works on its own time. Perhaps he'll be mentally ready to face the core issues in 2-3 years, when he's 32-33. Maybe 35. 38. Who knows. But yeah, don't count on him seeing your buddy's friend. SD81 is just too comfortable in his self-imposed rut.

 

The day he REALLY applies himself will be the day I'll be a monkey's uncle.

I've already addressed Meeks7.

 

I need to try with D then I'll consider therapy.

 

You should know by now that I'm very stubborn. This is something I need to do. I've managed to put it off for months.

 

You're chasing after the wrong issues while avoiding the core issues here. Why don't you start with knowing how to develop and maintain healthy relationships, period? Find out what it means to be reciprocal, show love, receive love and think of others before your own needs? Find out what it means to love others for the sake of loving others, whether male or female, without it HAVING to be in a GF capacity.

You are right about the love thing, but I need to do it in the BF/GF capacity.

[Teknoe]

I've already addressed Meeks7.

 

I need to try with D then I'll consider therapy.

 

You should know by now that I'm very stubborn. This is something I need to do. I've managed to put it off for months.

 

You are right about the love thing, but I need to do it in the BF/GF capacity.

 

 

Very well. I hate to see anyone make less-than-wise choices, but there's also something to be said about learning things the hard way.

 

Just don't be shocked or angry if she's not willing to give you a proper explanation of why she cut you off, or if she brushes you off completely.

 

Do what you gotta do, and then go to therapy again. Don't consider therapy. That's talk for "I'll get to it, but I never will." Take care of your D business, get the "closure" you need, and then enter therapy. You'd be making strides in your life if you do this.

[USMCHokie]

Said it before, will say it again.

 

You're chasing after the wrong issues while avoiding the core issues here. Why don't you start with knowing how to develop and maintain healthy relationships, period? Find out what it means to be reciprocal, show love, receive love and think of others before your own needs? Find out what it means to love others for the sake of loving others, whether male or female, without it HAVING to be in a GF capacity.

 

This is why you're constantly troubled and frustrated. You're skirting around the real issues here by projecting it onto something else.

 

No, the correct solution is to go to Vegas with me this weekend.

 

Easy day.

[Teknoe]

No, the correct solution is to go to Vegas with me this weekend.

 

Easy day.

 

 

It would definitely be stepping WAY out of his comfort zone.

 

But what are the odds he'd go?

 

I've noticed a troubling trend with our friend, SD. He talks a good talk, but when it comes down to it, he always finds excuses not to do something.

 

i.e. I remember when his supposed "dream girl" D invited him over for a family dinner. He declined and his reasoning was it was a pity invite. Insteading of eating with his favorite girl and her parents, he decided to stay home surfing the net. I distinctly remember telling him that he should go, because he may not get more opportunities in the near future.

 

He laughed it off (of course), saying there will be other times.

 

Were they? Nope.

 

Would he love to hear D offer him right now what she offered him in the summer? You betcha.

 

It's weird how he claims he wants certain things, but he doesn't follow through with action. I see a lot of self-sabotage in his life. Seeing a therapist isn't admitting defeat. It's a step in the right direction. Hoping he can come to terms with that and follow through.

[USMCHokie]

It would definitely be stepping WAY out of his comfort zone.

 

Yes, and sometimes a little shock therapy is exactly what is needed...

 

But what are the odds he'd go?

 

Who knows...but the room is seriously already booked...I'm literally bribing friends on FB with a free room to go...it's kind of sad...

 

I've noticed a troubling trend with our friend, SD. He talks a good talk, but when it comes down to it, he always finds excuses not to do something.

 

Well of course, behind the security blanket of the internet, he can talk all day and have ideas of grandeur but not have the balls to execute in real life...I can attest to that...it's easy to say something on LS, but it's harder to actually hold yourself accountable for it out in the real world...it's easier to be lazy, as I had been for much of my life...

 

If I wasn't comfortable approaching a girl, I'd conveniently pull out my race card and convince myself she'd never be interested in me, so I rationalized not taking action...it was easy, and it saved me from potentially failing...and I can see the same thing here...so I understand where he's coming from...but I don't know if he's ready to genuinely throw all that aside, take a leap of faith, and take some action with his life...

near future.

 

It's weird how he claims he wants certain things, but he doesn't follow through with action. I see a lot of self-sabotage in his life. Seeing a therapist isn't admitting defeat. It's a step in the right direction. Hoping he can come to terms with that and follow through.

 

And what's a therapist going to do...? Charge him money to listen to him rationalize why he shouldn't do anything...? No one can change him except himself...just like no amount of sunshine blown up my ass by friends or by people on LS will help me in the end...I've got to throw my insecurity aside and face the music...and so does he...

[somedude81]

No, the correct solution is to go to Vegas with me this weekend.

 

Easy day.

If it happens I'm thinking around the 24th since I'm already planning on taking that week off. I'll get back to you soon.

 

i.e. I remember when his supposed "dream girl" D invited him over for a family dinner. He declined and his reasoning was it was a pity invite.

It was a pity invite.

Insteading of eating with his favorite girl and her parents, he decided to stay home surfing the net. I distinctly remember telling him that he should go, because he may not get more opportunities in the near future.

 

He laughed it off (of course), saying there will be other times.

Were they? Nope.

There were!

 

October last year I was at her house and her parents ordered pizza. I was at her house for about 8 hours that day though we went for a walk too.

[USMCHokie]

If it happens I'm thinking around the 24th since I'm already planning on taking that week off. I'll get back to you soon.

 

Done.

 

-----

[Teknoe]

There were!

 

October last year I was at her house and her parents ordered pizza. I was at her house for about 8 hours that day though we went for a walk too.

 

 

You're missing the point here. It's all about seizing the day and making the most of your opportunities. Pity invite or not, saying no to having dinner with your favorite girl is not seizing the day.

 

You know staying home does nothing.

 

Who knows what could have happened had you gone that night. It might be a low %, but certainly higher than staying home alone surfing the 'net.

 

 

And what's a therapist going to do...? Charge him money to listen to him rationalize why he shouldn't do anything...? No one can change him except himself...just like no amount of sunshine blown up my ass by friends or by people on LS will help me in the end...I've got to throw my insecurity aside and face the music...and so does he...

 

Because our friend SD is severely suffering from BEING ISOLATED.

 

He has no friends.

 

Zero accountability.

 

At least if he saw a professional, someone could talk with him face to face and help him chart his own progress. It's better than NOTHING.

 

SD needs to start somewhere. He NEEDS some form of real life relationships. Staying in his apartment posting on LS will never get him anywhere. HE CAN'T DO THIS ALONE

 

Oh, and USMC, please make your Vegas trip around the 24th. Would be nice to hear SD putting himself out there.

 

Am I expecting this trip to happen? Honestly, no. There's gonna be some "reason" why he can't attend, even if you manage to get it around the 24th.

 

But I'd love to be surprised and proven wrong.

[cerridwen]

You should go to Vegas with them, Teknoe.

You sound like you can get crazy.

[USMCHokie]

Because our friend SD is severely suffering from BEING ISOLATED.

 

He has no friends.

 

Zero accountability.

 

At least if he saw a professional, someone could talk with him face to face and help him chart his own progress. It's better than NOTHING.

 

SD needs to start somewhere. He NEEDS some form of real life relationships. Staying in his apartment posting on LS will never get him anywhere. HE CAN'T DO THIS ALONE

 

I absolutely agree. I spent almost all of my college and law school days couped up alone in my room watching Smallville DVDs in the dark...the isolation was comforting because it was easy...but I never developed or learned...because I didn't have to...I was "happy" enough with how I was living...and I have a feeling that SD is "content" enough...

 

Oh, and USMC, please make your Vegas trip around the 24th. Would be nice to hear SD putting himself out there.

 

Hahah, don't worry, the trips are happening with or without him...10th and the 24th...

 

Am I expecting this trip to happen? Honestly, no. There's gonna be some "reason" why he can't attend, even if you manage to get it around the 24th.

 

But I'd love to be surprised and proven wrong.

 

Eh, we shall see. I'd love to be surprised too...we can even make a thread about it..."Hokie and Somedude Go to Vegas!"

[Teknoe]

I absolutely agree. I spent almost all of my college and law school days couped up alone in my room watching Smallville DVDs in the dark...the isolation was comforting because it was easy...but I never developed or learned...because I didn't have to...I was "happy" enough with how I was living...and I have a feeling that SD is "content" enough...

 

Exactly right. One cannot grow without any human interaction. Some might say what about monks, but somehow I don't think SD81 is actually meditating day and night, thinking up good thoughts....

 

isolation = the slow, silent killer.

 

it's amazing how fast that can creep up on you, and how insidious it can be. I too have the feeling SD is "content" not being challenged to grow or step outside of his comfort zone. Hopefully this will change, even in small increments, soon.

[USMCHokie]

isolation = the slow, silent killer.

 

No joke...after a few years of it, I actually started getting chest pains from the isolation...and that's when I knew I had to change my life...

 

it's amazing how fast that can creep up on you, and how insidious it can be. I too have the feeling SD is "content" not being challenged to grow or step outside of his comfort zone. Hopefully this will change, even in small increments, soon.

 

Eh, go big or go home. Let's go with a huge increment of change!

[jerbear]

Actually, I've been reading The Art of Seduction and got a whole bunch of new things I'd like to try.

:rolleyes:

 

I really wish I was reading the book when we were still talking.

It might have worked but not when they are not interested.

 

But I need to reconnect with her and get things close to what they were before, then I can try the other method.

Wait until you graduate, make your first $10 million then reconnect.

 

But she's The One! My precious.

Ok smeagol.

 

No joke...after a few years of it, I actually started getting chest pains from the isolation...and that's when I knew I had to change my life...

Life changes are a good thing!

 

Eh, go big or go home. Let's go with a huge increment of change!

Yelp! No pain no gain. Go big or go home!

[tman666]

Patiently awaiting the results of "Hokie and SD81 do Vegas".

 

Just do it Somedude.

[jerbear]

Patiently awaiting the results of "Hokie and SD81 do Vegas".

 

Just do it Somedude.

 

Then it would be "Hokie and SD: Hangover".

[tman666]

Then it would be "Hokie and SD: Hangover".

 

I'd pay money to watch it. No (some) homo.

[USMCHokie]

Then it would be "Hokie and SD: Hangover".

 

I'd pay money to watch it. No (some) homo.

 

:laugh:

 

I'll bring the tiger and naked Chinaman!

[somedude81]

It might have worked but not when they are not interested.

The whole point of seduction is to get them when they are not interested. Otherwise, they wouldn't have needed to be seduced.

[jerbear]

The whole point of seduction is to get them when they are not interested. Otherwise, they wouldn't have needed to be seduced.

 

If you read that book carefully and between the lines, they have to have some interest in you. If they do not want to talk to you, deal with you, or otherwise think you are cute; you can't seduce them. Unless you are very well endowed and whip it out or flash a very large wad of money, one of them might get seduced to getting an endowment.

[ThaWholigan]

This is gonna be hard to do, but you're going to have to completely wipe her from your memory. For your own sanity, you have to do it BEFORE you think about talking to her again. You have to tell yourself that you DON'T need to see her. It's imperative that you do this otherwise you will be making a very foolish decision. From personal experience, I know how to handle such a situation where you "think" you have fallen for a girl, the first one to show you any concrete interest who you actually liked. The best thing you can do is find a way to channel your energies elsewhere and away from what seems like your obsession with her, and obsession with the ideal of having a girlfriend, when you are obviously finding it difficult to sustain any kind of relationship much less an intimate one.

 

I tell you this because it's not too late, and I may be younger than you but with the issues I have personally faced as an autistic male trying to establish how to connect with people, I have done a pretty good job, so I do know what I'm talking about. Talk to other people, and forget about that girl. When you are all sorted out, whether you decide to do therapy or not, or whatever, now is DEFINITELY not the best time to talk to her. At all.

 

I second the Vegas campaign too

[somedude81]

If you read that book carefully and between the lines, they have to have some interest in you. If they do not want to talk to you, deal with you, or otherwise think you are cute; you can't seduce them.

That's why I'm trying to reconnect with her first, if it's at all possible. Then I can worry about trying to seduce her.

 

As for them having to have some interest in me first, then I might as well be screwed because no girls are ever interested in me. I'm trying to find something that would give me a fighting chance.

This is gonna be hard to do, but you're going to have to completely wipe her from your memory. For your own sanity, you have to do it BEFORE you think about talking to her again.

Why?

 

You have to tell yourself that you DON'T need to see her. It's imperative that you do this otherwise you will be making a very foolish decision.

What decision?

From personal experience, I know how to handle such a situation where you "think" you have fallen for a girl, the first one to show you any concrete interest who you actually liked.

She's far from the first girl I've fallen for. She's like #16 or something.

 

Though I feel I've gotten much closer to her than I have any other girl. If it wasn't for the fact that she didn't want to date, what we were doing could pretty much have been called dating. At least it felt that way to me.

 

when you are obviously finding it difficult to sustain any kind of relationship much less an intimate one.

The only kind of relationship I want is an intimate one. That's why I've put very little effort into starting and maintaining friendships.

[ThaWholigan]

That's why I'm trying to reconnect with her first, if it's at all possible. Then I can worry about trying to seduce her.

 

Don't do it yet, bad timing.

 

As for them having to have some interest in me first, then I might as well be screwed because no girls are ever interested in me. I'm trying to find something that would give me a fighting chance.

 

Well you have to have more of a social life if you ever want to have a fighting chance. Get some new friends!!

 

Why?

 

It's a terrible idea simply because you are still obsessed with her. You will end up falling into the same behavior patterns that caused her to pull away from you, even over something minor.

 

 

What decision?

 

The decision to try and reconnect with her now.

 

She's far from the first girl I've fallen for. She's like #16 or something.

 

Though I feel I've gotten much closer to her than I have any other girl. If it wasn't for the fact that she didn't want to date, what we were doing could pretty much have been called dating. At least it felt that way to me.

 

That's even worse . You can't keep getting obsessed with girls so easily. This is why you absolutely need more friends. The more friends you have, the more social activities you will be involved in, thus the more girls you will encounter and talk to, and the more comfortable you will be around girls.

 

I felt the almost the same way about the girl I liked. Albeit I knew I wasn't in love with her, I was infatuated to the point where I daydreamed about her a lot, to the point where I freaked myself out with how creepy it was to daydream so vividly about her. It caused me to modify my behavior around her, and made it kind of awkward to be around her. The best times I spent with her was when I had exercised my obsessive nature and just chilled with her and was my normal self. Of course, this didn't help because although I had many friends, I didn't talk to girls as much, so I was completely retarded at times when interacting with her, due to my anxiety at being so attracted to her.

 

As things stand, we aren't on bad terms, but we aren't talking to each other since falling out of contact last year. Although I still think of her occasionally, I think it's best right now. That way I can work things out with myself before even thinking about speaking to her again.

 

It's the only way.

 

The only kind of relationship I want is an intimate one. That's why I've put very little effort into starting and maintaining friendships.

 

How can you have an intimate relationship if you can't maintain a simple friendship? Start off with that first.

[Teknoe]

How can you have an intimate relationship if you can't maintain a simple friendship? Start off with that first.

 

SD simply refuses to accept this. He's adamant on going for girlfriend or nothing at all. This is a huge mistake. Ironically, he is swimming against the current of his greatest desire: getting a girlfriend. He has mentioned in the past how he won't tell his girl of interest he has no friends... but dude... any girl who gets even remotely close enough to POSSIBLY be your girlfriend will quickly find out. It's just not going to work because you do not have healthy adult-like relationship skills. You don't know how to properly give and receive love. This is your biggest problem. It isn't being short, or not knowing how to flirt, or not knowing how to seduce. You simply lack the knowledge of what it means to give and receive in a reciprocal ADULT relationship.

 

This is also why you tend to be obsessive and supremely clingy. It will turn off any girl, and that's why you've never had a girlfriend. I'm willing to bet that stench of desperation seeps off your pores. Your negative thought life certainly doesn't help, either.

 

Sadly though, SD is caught in his own twisted reality. I remember being very much like him. In 2009, no one could talk me out of trying to reconnect with Tami, my biggest crush ever. NO ONE. After she called me an a-hole over the phone and told me things were over (more or less), I decided to send her a $70 Juicy Couture watch that I knew she wanted. It was a big mistake, but I did learn from it. People told me not to send it but I did.

 

I think it's clear nothing we say will stop SD from trying to reconnect with D. The mind is a funny thing when it gets set on a goal, no matter how warped that goal might be.

 

He's just going to have to learn life the hard way.

 

I know another thing: I'm so glad I'm no longer that stubborn idiot I was in 2009. I still got a ways to go, but I have received much enlightenment in the past 3 years. Everyone has their own journey and milestone steps of learning.

 

But I know the bottom line is, until SD accepts the fact that his current viewpoint is highly faulty (i.e. GF or nothing... not working on his social skills, making friends first, etc.) and makes attempts to change it, he's bound to be alone for the forseeable future.

 

I just pray that SWITCH will one day flip in his heart. A girlfriend is a great thing, but it seriously ain't the only great thing in life (i.e. friends). He is missing out and doing a lot of self-sabotage in the process.

[Teknoe]

I'm trying to find something that would give me a fighting chance.

 

Dozens of people have already told you. Try making and maintaining healthy friendships first. The answer is right there in front of your face, but you refuse to see it. Being a good friend develops your social skills, confidence, sense of give-and-take reciprocity, learning how to be vulnerable, learning to care for others first, etc. These are all skills which will help you to become a man worthy of being a decent boyfriend.

 

You want a GF so badly, but ever stop and ask yourself, SERIOUSLY, "Am I, Somedude81, good boyfriend material right now?"

 

 

The only kind of relationship I want is an intimate one. That's why I've put very little effort into starting and maintaining friendships.

 

I don't think that's the only reason why.

It comes down to fear of rejection, and fear of true growth. You are seriously handicapping yourself and ruining your own chances at the one thing you claim you want most. It's very ironic, actually.

 

But hey, what do we know, right?

 

Who needs friends, right?

 

How's your lifestyle choices been working out for ya?

 

^ I think that says it all. It hasn't been working at all, and you're still avoiding the key choices that might change it around for ya. Reading the Art of Seduction is not going to help you nearly as much as reaching out and developing your social skills as you learn how to make and maintain healthy friendships.

 

But as my post above this one says, everyone has their own time. I hope one day SOON that switch in your heart will flip, where you FINALLY GET IT. That "Ah-ha" moment. No one would be happier for it than you. I would be a close second....

[Teknoe]

SD,

watch this vid. it's about 2 minutes 20 seconds long.

 

 

That's our greatest fear. Embrace the light in YOU. Shine. Kick negative thoughts to the curb. Get a support group. See yourself, and the world, with new lens. Live. Run. Be free. Be liberated.

 

Time to go from darkness to light, SD.