Thinking of NC... two options... which one is more elegant?

[pdfella]

Hi everyone... My married girlfriend is on the verge of splitting with me. Everything was ok until recently. Out of the blue one day, she became cold and distant. Our conversations are now strained - almost forced. She is always irritated. She said today she has stopped loving me and wants to stop our affair. We will talk this week and figure out next steps.

 

I can't figure out what went wrong. We had no argument or major disagreement that could have triggered this. She is not forthcoming on what may have occurred.

 

One possibility I can think of is her husband suspected something and she got into trouble. She wants to save her marriage and decided to get rid of me, or is resentful of being in that situation.

 

I bought a beautiful pendant for her last weekend. I haven't had a chance to give it yet.

 

Now I'm sure she will text or email tomorrow and will again be rude. I was patiently letting it go until today but now I want to take a firm stance.

 

I'm thinking of two options -

 

1. If she is rude, I'll tell her something to this effect - "i love you and have calmly tolerated your insults... you may have some grievance but you need to address me respectfully... please do not contact me again unless you plan to be respectful". I'll immediately go NC.

 

2. Else I can text her that we should break for a few days to give each other space. I'll ask to see her one last time. When we meet, I'll tell her how much she means to me and apologize if I inadvertently hurt her feelings. I'll also give her the pendant as a parting gift. I'm hoping that will leave a nice last memory in her mind and will make her miss me that much more, thereby increasing the chance that she'll come back. I'll go NC after this meeting.

 

If she is under stress, I don't want to appear insensitive or uncaring. At the same time, I want to be treated decently. My objective is to bring her back without pleading or begging.

 

Any ideas or suggestions? Thank you very much for reading.

[MissBee]

If she says she does not love you and wants to stop the affair, respect her wishes and go NC.

 

Do you hope to have a future with your married gf, as in, with her husband out of the picture at some point? I ask, because you say in your second option you are giving her a pendant and hoping she will have nice memories and want to come back...and my first response was, if she is leaving because of the fact that the situation of an A is too much....I do not think her coming back, but still being married will be a good idea, it will be more of the same and the cycle will repeat....and you will increase the chances of you not being treated decently.

 

Single people can of course treat you badly as well, but I think you are stacking the odds against you with your married gf. I do not think it is worth the effort to get her to come back if it will still be an affair....so I'd suggest you not look forward to that but try to move on. Even in ordinary relationships, when people part ways it is often best to stay parted, further if your affair partner says they do not love you and don't want the A, it seems even more reasonable that you should not try to force that issue and invest your emotions into winning someone back into an A.

[whichwayisup]

Nothing you did or didn't do caused this. It was an affair and most affairs have expiry dates on them. You may not like this or agree with it, but people have the right to change their minds. She chose to end the affair for whatever reason. She's married and that's not going to change, so please, do your best to let go and make peace/make closure by not blaming yourself.

 

Don't chase, call, email, text, or show up where you think she'll be.

 

Grieve the loss, and let yourself heal.

 

You deserve better and more, though you'll never get it from her. She wasn't looking to start over and have a new life with you, she wanted to be married and have someone on the side. Again, for whatever reason, she's changed her mind and maybe take that as a sign that it IS best for you as well. Wasting time, love and energy on someone who isn't yours only does damage to you in the long run.

[Gentlegirl2]

All affairs end sooner or later. That kind of relationship cannot be sustained indefinitely. A triangualr realtionship doesn't work for many reasons.

 

Your gift will make no difference to her.

 

For some reason... you might never know what it is, she is getting towards the end of the A. When she does, you will be dumped and yesterday's news.

 

Go NC asap and don't look back.

 

GG

[pdfella]

Do you hope to have a future with your married gf, as in, with her husband out of the picture at some point? I ask, because you say in your second option you are giving her a pendant and hoping she will have nice memories and want to come back...and my first response was, if she is leaving because of the fact that the situation of an A is too much....I do not think her coming back, but still being married will be a good idea, it will be more of the same and the cycle will repeat....and you will increase the chances of you not being treated decently.

I do hope to have a future but I'm not counting on it. I want to sign off on a note that will give me some sort of satisfaction. If she contacts me and is rude like she has been lately, I can tell her to not contact me again and then go NC. Wouldn't that chasten her more than if I just kept quiet and let it pass?

 

Also just to clarify, I thought of the pendant not as a material act but as something that will make me appear mature and considerate. Like I'm letting her go without bitterness and rancor or flailing and thrashing.

 

Thanks for your insight MissBee!

[pdfella]

Thank you, whichwayisup and GG. I agree on NC.

 

However, I feel like I've taken the brunt of her feelings lately and haven't been offered an explanation. I'm sure she will contact me tomorrow and will again be snappy.

 

Wouldn't standing up for myself and letting her know her behavior is unacceptable and then follow up with NC be more effective than keeping quiet and NC?

 

I feel it would give me more satisfaction when or if I look back at this episode in the future.

 

I am wondering how can I callibrate my response in a way that will make her respect me or rue my loss even if we part ways? Will direct NC be better or one of the options I mentioned followed by NC?

[despicableME]

My married girlfriend is on the verge of splitting with me.

 

First, she's not your GF if she's married to begin with.

 

Second, it sounds like she had her fun at your expense, and is now working on the sham that is her marriage.

 

Whatever the reason may be for her current behavior, you need to go NC.

 

 

My objective is to bring her back without pleading or begging.

 

Why would you want her back after her treatment of you, aside from the fact she's in committed relationship- again, SHE'S MARRIED!

 

 

I don't mean to poke fun, but you sound like the OW here, and she the MM.

 

Goes to show women can be just as "shady."

[Motor35]

i agree with despicable....and i wouldn't give her the pendant. how will she explain that to her husband?

i am sorry you are hurting...let the healing begin

[spice4life]

I would go with option 1, but tell her not to contact you unless she is free to get to know you out in the open and not under a shroud of secrecy. She's married, so you will always be the odd man out. She will never be able to 'see' things or you for what they truly are until she doesn't have a safety net.

[Owl]

Don't give her the pendant. She'll think you bought it with the intent to 'suck her back in".

 

Tell her you understand her desire to work on her marriage. Tell her that you also have a desire to be with her WHEN/IF she is available to truly be with you...ergo, divorced. Ask her not to contact you again until she meets that criteria.

 

Then go NC.

 

Pretty simple and straightforward when you think about it.

[whichwayisup]

I do hope to have a future but I'm not counting on it. I want to sign off on a note that will give me some sort of satisfaction. If she contacts me and is rude like she has been lately, I can tell her to not contact me again and then go NC. Wouldn't that chasten her more than if I just kept quiet and let it pass?

 

Also just to clarify, I thought of the pendant not as a material act but as something that will make me appear mature and considerate. Like I'm letting her go without bitterness and rancor or flailing and thrashing.

 

Thanks for your insight MissBee!

 

Why not just ignore her? Don't even answer your phone, or a text or an email. Silence is golden and says a lot without saying one word.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you, whichwayisup and GG. I agree on NC.

 

However, I feel like I've taken the brunt of her feelings lately and haven't been offered an explanation. I'm sure she will contact me tomorrow and will again be snappy.

 

Wouldn't standing up for myself and letting her know her behavior is unacceptable and then follow up with NC be more effective than keeping quiet and NC?

 

I feel it would give me more satisfaction when or if I look back at this episode in the future.

 

I am wondering how can I callibrate my response in a way that will make her respect me or rue my loss even if we part ways? Will direct NC be better or one of the options I mentioned followed by NC?

 

Don't you think she knows her behaviour is wrong? That she is aware of how she's treating you? Ignoring her shows her that you're not going to give her the time of day and she's not worth ANY reaction, good or bad. Whatever you have to say to her will fall on deaf ears because she..doesn't..care. She is only concerned about herself.

 

Not if you two part ways, it's WHEN.

 

Stop allowing yourself to have hope. There is no hope.

[whichwayisup]

I don't mean to poke fun, but you sound like the OW here, and she the MM.

 

Goes to show women can be just as "shady."

 

And shows too, that it's not just women who can get sucked into the manipulation of an affair and let emotions take over.

 

Most WS have the same cheating qualities and are very capable of telling some fantastic lies and are able to manipulate/get their way quite easily because of their selfishness and knowing how to push buttons on their AP.

[MissBee]

I do hope to have a future but I'm not counting on it. I want to sign off on a note that will give me some sort of satisfaction. If she contacts me and is rude like she has been lately, I can tell her to not contact me again and then go NC. Wouldn't that chasten her more than if I just kept quiet and let it pass?

 

Also just to clarify, I thought of the pendant not as a material act but as something that will make me appear mature and considerate. Like I'm letting her go without bitterness and rancor or flailing and thrashing.

 

Thanks for your insight MissBee!

 

Hi pdfella,

 

I understand where you're coming from, but it is misguided, if I may say so. You're thinking giving her a gift will make you seem mature and considerate and also you think these qualities will make her somehow change her mind or guilt her into treating you better....it won't or not for long. So many people at the end of a relationship try to hold on in manipulative ways....even being "nice" and buying gifts count as manipulative as well. You are doing this thing to achieve a certain outcome and behavior in this other person.

 

You don't need to give her a pendant to let her go. That is not letting her go. Further, if she has a husband, why would she wear it? If she does not love you anymore then why would she value it? Save your money and your dignity, as this guilt trip will probably not seem sweet and mature to her, but obvious and even more upsetting.

 

If you want to send her a message....accept her wishes without buying her a "break up present". Just leave her be. Then she will know you are mature and considerate of her wishes by agreeing without fuss and fanfare. Giving a gift is just like begging and pleading...it's a symbolic form of it. If I am breaking it off with a man and he presents me with goodbye jewelry I'd be very annoyed at him, I'd think he was trying to make me feel bad and sucker me into staying and I'd also find it pathetic. While you cannot and SHOULD NOT manipulate her into the A...if you want to make someone want you, the best thing is to accept their wishes, go NC and live your life. The lack of attention and living your life would attract them more than giving gifts and being nicey nicey.

[RickFox]

So she treated you bad so what! Ive been there done that bought the book and T shirt and you want her to act civilly with you huh? Yeah, so did I, and guess what, just like your relationship with her is a fantasy, so is what you think she should do in handling how she talks to you.

 

You can try and figure out why she ended it, another man, tired of you, guilt, and in the end it matters not.

 

You want to walk away with dignity? Then the next time she texts you or calls you or emails you....SIMPLY IGNORE IT. Be done with her and your relationship, end it, be the one to finalize it, say nothing and walk away.

 

You think giving her a necklace will cause her to run into your arms and reignite the passion....all you'll do is show her you're weak and she's right about leaving you.

 

Walk away with your dignity intact and let her live her life without you.

[Gentlegirl2]

Stop demeaning yourself and grovelling for her attention. It will make no difference. It sounds as though she has a great deal of power over you. Sometimes people with power abuse it greatly because they simply don't care.

 

If you feel the need to say something before you go NC then by all means do so. It might give you some satisfaction or closure or whatever you like to call it.

 

YOU need to go NC .. you have received all the NC advice here and you know what to do.

 

Good Luck,

 

GG

[East7]

Hi pdfella,

former OM here.

 

She is NOT your girlfriend to begin with, she is a married woman having an affair. You are just her dirty little secret, she is not in a relationship with you.

 

So let me get this straight..She is still married to her hubby and as if it wasn't enough, she is now walking all over you, and you want to give her a pendant ? Do you even realize how you are humiliating yourself with this woman ?

 

She doesn't care about your pendant and she doesn't deserve it anyway. She will put in in a shelve and never wear it. Why do you want to spend your money and heartache on a woman that doesn't care about you anymore ?

 

What are you even expecting from her? Let's suppose she "comes back" ? Back to what ? Do you want her to resume the A and take you back when it pleases her? Your gifsts, e-mails, texts etc will not change her mind.

 

If she is irritated, tells you upfront that she doesn't love you anymore, it means that she never loved you anyways. Some MW are really in love with their OM and at the end of the A, grieve a lot but they don't treat their OM like crap. Your MW is nothing like that. You were out since the beginning.

 

So you want to tell her that you are going NC ? Do you tell someone that you ignore "look I'm ignoring you" ? You don't need to tell obvious actions with words. Just do it, don't explain it. Instead walk away with dignity, mourn the feelings you had for her and move on.

Edited February 29, 2012 by East7

[Barrsitter]

You want to go NC with this woman and wonder how to do it.

 

NC is easy. Turn around and walk away. No warnings. No explanations. Just walk away and don't look back. And don't judge her or yourself.

 

Don't meet up with her just to tell her you're going NC. She doesn't care about you, Dude. So fine. Let her go.

 

Let you go, as well. Go and heal and learn to love yourself so much that you will never again take another man's leftovers.

 

Go and be still. Create space in your heart for the love of your life who will adore and cherish you and want to be with you every day...and can be. She's out there but she's waiting for you to create space in your heart for her. She's the one you bought the pendant for.

[jaloka]

First three years of being with MM he would disappear for months at a time with no explanation. Then finally he came back for good. He apologized but he told me the reason he disappeared is because he fell in love with me and didn't know how to deal with it besides NC. So in this case it could be that or simply your A has expired.

 

Be prepared that you might never receive an explanation. So say your peace and tell her to stay NC until she's ready to be with you.

 

Good luck