sometimes I wonder if my husband hates me

[hurtfeelings]

This is the first time I have ever used this site, so I hope I am doing everything right. Well my husband and I have been married for about 4 years, I was only 17 when we were married and now I am 21. My husband is my whole life, he is my best and only friend, I live and breathe for him. I am the perfect wife, he has to worry about nothing. Yesterday we were argueing because he does things whether I want him to or not and he took off without telling me where he was going becuase he knew I would have asked him to stay home. Well we both got over our problems and soon another arouse. When we were engaged and I was 16 (young and stupid) I had fiendly kissed a friend and co-worker of mine, he is gay and it meant nothing. I thought I had told him about it but I said something last night that made it very apparent that I hadn't. He got very mad. He said things that broke my heart for example and I will write everything in a much nicer way than how he said it, but "women are selfish, they only think of themselves, they "lay down" with anyone who shows interest, there is no such thing as true love I love the best that I can but it isnt much and I sould have cheated on you when Brandy gave me the oppertunity". Buy the way we were married when she wanted to "be" with him. I am so hurt and pissed that he thinks of his wife,me, that way. I am human and I make mistakes that happened 5 years ago and it meant nothing the guy was guy. Am I wrong for being mad, is he wrong? I don't want to talk to anyone I know about this I hate to tell people my problems I want everyone to think I have a great marriage. I love him so much and have every intention of being there till death and I take my vows very seriously. We have many problems like any other relationship, but I am the time that cant let things go, I remember everything and when I get mad I throw it in your face. I also want children he never wants kids, I dont know how to deal with that either. I am tired of people telling me I have pleanty of time to have children and that we are young. I have internal problems and the chances of getting pregnant are slim, I would love to start trying know but he won't, what do I do? HELP?

[RavenBanshee]

Hi Hurtfeelings,

 

Unfortunately, I understand what your going thru. I was engaged and married at 19. We've been married 10 years now. I myself am not sure I want to be with him anymore. We have two kids 7 + 4.

 

When you get get married as young as we did, you can become blind sided by the things you didn't see as an issue early in the relationship. It sounds to me, your husband is a very selfish man, who seems to get a kick out of hurting your feelings when you argue.

 

What concerns me for you, is A. You two don't seem to want the same things B. Your so busy trying to make a perfect marriage that you've forgotten who you are and what you want and what is important to you, aside from the man you've married.

 

If he doesn't want kids, that likely is not going to change over time. Even if he wanted them, he may or may not be the kind of father you'd hoped he'd be. And let me tell you from experience this is heartbreaking.

 

When you are between arguments, try to keep track of how selfish he really is when your not angry with him. Just make a mental tally of how he is day to day. Ask yourself if this what you really want. And remember change for some men is extremely short lived.

 

I hope things work out for you and don't sacrifice who or what you are to get it to. Life is too short not to be truly happy.

[FolderWife]

Is this the first time he's said something like that? He was definately upset with you, and said those things with the sole purpose of hurting you. I guess he thought that if he hurt you badly enough, that you'd realize how it feels to hurt, and you won't hurt him any more.

 

What he said was said to hurt you, no doubt about that. If he does something to hurt you on purpose, it's abuse. He has a hint of an abusive streek it sounds to me.

[Butterfly_Queen]

Hi, I'm sorry you are hurting. Your post was you sometimes wondered if your husband hates you? I don't think he hates you, but I do think he has some issues within himself. He probably feels that he hates himself for the choices he has made. Please understand I'm not saying he hates himself for marrying you, just that, well you were young when you got married. Its not you though, its him. For him to say what he said to you thats called projection or transferring. He has transferred his feelings for what he has done or how he feels onto you. It has absolelutly nothing to do with you either.

 

I would sit down and have a talk with him about whats really going on and why he feels the way he does. Its highly unlikely though you will get him to do that or a straight answer. If he doesn't wont to work things out, counseling perhaps, then maybe you need to weigh your options and see what you feel is best for yourself and own sanity. If he isn't normally like this and just started acting like this recently, then something is really up. He said he should have cheated when he had the chance? Hmmm, I would find out if he has already. Could be where the anger is coming from. Hope all works out for you, but try not to loose yourself, getting caught up in his disrespect for you.

[hurtfeelings]

Things are better now, we still of course have our problems but I think that one is resolving itself. Marriage has its ups and downs I just wish it could go my way, rather than his all the time. We have been through alot for only being married 4 years. I am lucky though for the most part he is a great provider and he has goals. Lets face it most men his age can lift the toilet seat without his mom holding their little hand. He doesnt drink or do drugs he has never hit me or even raised his hand up, he really doesnt even raise his voice. The underlying problem is children I dont know what to do, I suppose men dont have the natural urge to be a parent. I dont think that he will ever want children but I hope so.