Dumping them vs getting dumped

[TheSingleGuy]

I have been through hell with women over my lifetime. Before I got married, I somehow managed to have 5 girlfriends. Four of them dumped me and I dumped one of them.

 

Then I got married. She divorced me.

 

I have read reports that women are the ones who do the dumping 70 to 90% of the time and I believe that. This was certainly true for me by this point in my life.

 

Then, something happened after my divorce. I started getting into seduction and I gotta say, a lot of what those guys preach really works. Whether the seduction community intended for this happen or not, I have become the guy who no longer trusts women...at all. Not even a little bit.

 

That said, I date women now for a few months, generally 6 to 9 months. I seriously fall in love with these women. These last two, I was head over heals with and I KNOW I could be happy with either of them for a long, long time. But I use my will power and force myself to vanish and start searching for the next girlfriend.

 

I have to say, getting dumped absolutely sucks. It really does. But when you are the one to do the dumping, it's really not that bad. In fact, it's nothing compared to getting dumped.

 

I think we can say that losing someone you care deeply about due to death can be lumped into one "bad emotion" category and that is loss, or missing that person.

 

When you get dumped, you have that feeling of loss, but you also have the self-esteem issue of feeling you weren't good enough...rejection. And that's bad. But, not only that, you also wonder who she's with now...the feelings of jealousy.

 

Basically, if you dump them, you deal with loss. If you get dumped, you get loss combined with rejection combined with jealousy all at the same time.

 

It seems very logical to be the one to do the dumping. Sooner or later, all relationships come to an end. There's no such thing as a "mutual" break up. Either you got dumped or she dumped you. Period.

 

All is fair in love and war.

[CarrieInNYC]

A while back I dated a guy for about three months, at the end of which I became frustrated because he was "busy" all the time and wasn't making time for me. I finally called him out on it and asked him if he was sure he really had time to be dating me given all that appeared to be going on in his life. He apologized, explained that he had a lot going on and that as a result spending time with me had fallen down on his list of priorities and acknowledged that that wasn't fair to me. I agreed that it wasn't, and we stopped dating.

 

If no breakups are truly mutual, who dumped whom in this instance?

[Eddie Edirol]

A while back I dated a guy for about three months, at the end of which I became frustrated because he was "busy" all the time and wasn't making time for me. I finally called him out on it and asked him if he was sure he really had time to be dating me given all that appeared to be going on in his life. He apologized, explained that he had a lot going on and that as a result spending time with me had fallen down on his list of priorities and acknowledged that that wasn't fair to me. I agreed that it wasn't, and we stopped dating.

 

If no breakups are truly mutual, who dumped whom in this instance?

 

Depends on who needed the relationship more. Clearly it wasnt him, so even though you initiated the talk, you got dumped because you were looking for more and he wasnt. Even when you werent hurt about it. In fact, he dumped you when he dropped you down the list of priorities.

[Andy_K]

Dumping someone because you're afraid you'll get hurt when they dump you if you don't is contemptibly cowardly. Man up.

 

I've been the one doing the dumping in every proper relationship I've had, but always for a good reason. Sooner or later I'm sure Karma will bite me in the ass and I'll get my heart broken by someone I totally fall for, but I'm not going to build up walls or run away to prevent that. I'll take my chances and keep searching for the right one.

[zengirl]

The statistics you're citing are that women initiate the majority of divorces---and by initiate, they mean in paperwork. There are no firm statistics on "dumpings" --- just divorces --- and really the stats on divorces don't tell you what happen. For instance, my Mom filed divorce papers after my Dad was already living with another woman. Generally, in a marriage, the women file the paperwork.

 

My dating history was: first BF died, second BF dumped me 3 times but came back all 3 times, I left him the final time, third BF, left me when his ex came back (they never did get back together), came back later and I broke up with him, fourth BF, I left (this was probably my only super-clear break-up), fourth BF, he moved away: I could've gone with him and he would've supported with me but I couldn't have worked where he lived (visa issues), so we broke up, fifth BF broke up with me and came back, and then I ended it, and then I got married. Hopefully no one will leave.

 

These are the "major" BFs. There were a multitude of guys I rejected or who rejected me that were less intensive relationships. I have found, in my patterns, there were not really "clear" endings. Most men who broke up with me came back---actually all, unless you count the mover---and I initiated the final breakup, but which one counts? The first or the final? (Hint: The first should probably always BE the final is what I learned.) Did the guy who moved dump me by moving? Did I dump him by not going?

 

What I think is people who get dumped often get dumped and people who dump people often find themselves as the dumper and people who have more nuanced situations often find nuanced situations----by which I mean we develop patterns. I think you can break patterns. I was continually rejected by men all during the time I was dating my 2nd BF (rejected after first dates during the 'breaks' where he'd break up with me, etc) and I saw myself as broken and unwanted. When I finally asserted myself and dumped his sorry butt, things got a little better. The 3rd BF was a rebound situation for us both, sadly, but even that was much healthier as was everything after.

[TheSingleGuy]

Ummm... Boyfriend Season is clear evidence that women are usually the ones to do the dumping, not the other way around.

 

For those new to the term "Boyfriend Season", it starts in the fall and has two endings. The first, minor ending, is right after New Years. The second, official ending, is right after Valentine's Day.

 

Recently, studies have been done that show a lot of people update their social networking profiles from "in a relationship" to "single" right after Valentine's Day.

 

For women, Valentine's Day is a big deal. We guys, generally, could care less about Valentine's Day. Women keep the boyfriend around until after this day. A guy who's gonna do the dumping would not center anything around this stupid, meaningless holiday.

 

Therefore, Boyfriend Season proves that women are the ones who do most of the dumping. (Plus, I read it on the internet, so it must be true.)

 

But seriously, when I meet divorced women, I always ask them: "Why did you divorce your husband?" They always have an answer. Rarely do they say, "He divorced me". It's almost always their decision.

[zengirl]

My last ex broke up with me right after V-Day (and V-Day isn't a big deal to me). I doubt many men who are going to break up with someone do it during the holidays or Valentine's Day. I don't see why that suggests women are more likely to do the dumping; most guys know not to break up with a girl right before a major holiday (as do most girls, a guy) unless they're total jerks.

 

I don't think people like to admit when they're dumped (normal people). And, frankly, even when someone breaks up with you, it's best if you know the REASON you broke up (I learned that from the BF who got confused when his ex came back---he didn't know why they broke up, and that's the ONLY time I've heard that answer, no matter who did the dumping; if they don't know, they aren't over it).

[CarrieInNYC]

To the extent this is true, I think it's often because men have a tendency to "leave" a relationship by acting like a jerk, forcing the woman to be the one who initiates the actual conversation.

 

I know many, many guys who do this--some of them deliberately (i.e. they actively want to end the relationship but don't want to be the one who initiates so they deliberately set out to do things that will make the woman break up with them), some of them just sort of passively (like, by canceling dates, cheating, etc.) once they are no longer feeling it.

 

Whether this is because men have some reluctance to "break a woman's heart" and have a misguided sense that it will be "easier" for her if he just acts like a jerk so that she gets to be the one who pulls the trigger, or whether because men for some reason just don't want to have to go to the trouble to initiate a conversation in which they discuss their feelings, I don't know.

 

The sad part about this is that many women have so little self-esteem that they just put up with behavior that seems clearly designed to get them to leave. These women need to learn the lesson that if a guy isn't acting like he wants to be in a relationship with you (like, by behaving respectfully, making and keeping plans, paying attention to your likes and interests), then he probably doesn't.

[azsinglegal]

I've been dumped more then been the dumper.

 

Although, I did initiate and leave my husband. He would've been fine to let things keep going the way they were and no matter how much I said I was unhappy he did NOTHING to try and make it better.

 

Since I've been dating (which is 15 yrs now)...I've found that I'm the one who tries to keep things going and they're the ones to end it. Usually very abruptly and catches me off guard.

[kaylan]

Dont bother with the PUA stuff. All it does is make many guys bitter and it puts down women a lot. I agree with the stance of getting women off a pedestal and doing some self improvement...but all the negative crap is way overdone.

 

And I dont feel the stuff works. Its confirmation bias. You think it works because you want to believe it does. PUA stuff teaches you to hit on as many women as possible in order to hone your skills right? Well, even dudes who are the well known pickup artists with books and shows fail a good portion of the time.

 

Constantly hitting on women, and then only having a few respond to you, does not mean PUA stuff works. It means you hit on enough women that finally someone actually wasnt put off by you.

 

And to be frank...half the PUA stuff is BS...the other half is straight up common sense when it comes to socializing with men or women.

 

Read this: Lifestyle Journey For Men: Debunking Some Myths

[Eddie Edirol]

 

Whether this is because men have some reluctance to "break a woman's heart" and have a misguided sense that it will be "easier" for her if he just acts like a jerk so that she gets to be the one who pulls the trigger, or whether because men for some reason just don't want to have to go to the trouble to initiate a conversation in which they discuss their feelings, I don't know.

 

I dont think thats always the case. Guys may not want to discuss feelings when they have none about the relationship, but when The guy isnt into the woman anymore, he acts like a jerk to try to kill her attraction to him, which is easier to deal with than just dropping her out of the blue. If a woman isnt attracted to you anymore, you wont have to worry about her chasing you to get back together. When you drop her, you have to deal with crying, why why why, its messy. The killing the attraction thing never works when you want it to though.

[Oxy Moronovich]

It seems very logical to be the one to do the dumping. Sooner or later, all relationships come to an end. There's no such thing as a "mutual" break up. Either you got dumped or she dumped you. Period.

 

All is fair in love and war.

I've been saying this, but no one wants to listen.

[RedRobin]

In my experience, when a guy stops being interested in a woman, he will coast, neglect, or cheat... or all of the above... until the woman dumps him. It's like, they can't handle being single (because that means no sex) so men are more likely to just keep a woman around... even if he doesn't see the relationship going anywhere.

 

Women will pre-emptively dump a guy even if there aren't any other immediate options available. I'm one of them. I'd rather be single and available for Mr. Right than be treading water with Mr. Good for Now.

 

If I sense the guy is doing any of the behaviors above, I'm perfectly happy to give him what he wants. Which is obviously, his freedom. The good thing is that I'm able to stay friends with most of my exes. That is the positive outcome of ending things before it gets ugly or before someone else enters the picture.

[daphne]

I've ended almost all of my relationships. On occasion, there would be the guy who seemed to be doing something to try to get me to leave. In almost every instance, it was a case of not feeling that it would work out longer term or they weren't great partners. I don't think I ever left because I thought the grass would be greener, because I don't feel that even if I probably should have when I was younger. If a guy's treating me right, I think I would feel too guilty to leave but I didn't really feel that was the case at any time.

[Eddie Edirol]

 

Women will pre-emptively dump a guy even if there aren't any other immediate options available. I'm one of them. I'd rather be single and available for Mr. Right than be treading water with Mr. Good for Now.

.

 

Then you'd be the only one, because all of the women I've seen IRL and on this forum wait until they solidify something with someone new first before dumping their bf.

[RedRobin]

You know what Eddie, I believe you.

 

Alot of people consider single-dom to be something close to leprosy. Or like a job... you don't leave the one you have until you get a new one.

 

I don't do that. I do know a few men who don't do that either. They are good friends of mine. Sometimes even men I've dated before. Since I didn't betray them by seeking out other men on their time (and vice versa), I've managed to preserve some parts of our friendship.

 

Not all people can do that, but it certainly makes for a better existence for me knowing I haven't contributed to the dating damage in the world.

[Emilia]

 

I have found, in my patterns, there were not really "clear" endings. Most men who broke up with me came back---actually all, unless you count the mover---and I initiated the final breakup, but which one counts? The first or the final? (Hint: The first should probably always BE the final is what I learned.) Did the guy who moved dump me by moving? Did I dump him by not going?

 

What I think is people who get dumped often get dumped and people who dump people often find themselves as the dumper and people who have more nuanced situations often find nuanced situations----by which I mean we develop patterns. I think you can break patterns.

 

I agree with this and I am the 'nuanced situations' type unfortunately that doesn't allow for many clean breaks but I'm trying to break the pattern.

 

Acting purely out of fear should be avoided at all costs though. Watch your patterns, learn from past behaviour but if you habitually dump people you could see yourself long term with, you are not healthy relationship material.

[Emilia]

You know what Eddie, I believe you.

 

Alot of people consider single-dom to be something close to leprosy. Or like a job... you don't leave the one you have until you get a new one.

 

I don't do that. I do know a few men who don't do that either. They are good friends of mine. Sometimes even men I've dated before. Since I didn't betray them by seeking out other men on their time (and vice versa), I've managed to preserve some parts of our friendship.

 

Not all people can do that, but it certainly makes for a better existence for me knowing I haven't contributed to the dating damage in the world.

 

Same here and I am on good terms with my exes too for that reason. Proud of that too.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I probably prefer to get dumped (if I clearly see that there is no future). I even push the talks in that direction and then hope that the guy will take the hint and dump me. It's hard for me to truly dump someone because I regret it the next day and ask them back due to loneliness. I would rather live with no regrets.

 

I almost never have clean breaks because my emotions are so messy. I am learning not to indulge in following my every emotion.

 

My most recent break up is the cleanest I have ever had. No friendship, no contact, nothing. It's due to ex's decision though and not mine (I would have preferred to stay friends).

 

Out of the men that dumped me, most came back at some point. IT NEVER WORKS THE SECOND TIME AROUND (let alone the third or fourth).