Any suggestions on how to save this marriage during separation?

[starlette0025]

Hi,

 

My husband and i (29 y/o) dated 2 years before we got married. He was fired and because i still had faith in him, I married him and believed he would find a new job in the city. After the honeymoon, he got addicted to computer games and porn for about a year, neglected me and did not communicate to me and i tried family intervention, addiction specialist/counseling to help him but he refused to budge. I continued to cook, work and clean after him even though he neglected me. It got to a point where I was so miserable I decided to talk to a guy friend for advice and we wrote in a diary about my marital issues. At certain point, our writing got flirtatious. A month after I stopped talking to my guy friend, my husband found the diary. His unemployment benefits ended and he found a new job and moved out to his sister's home without any advance notice. His sister is encouraging him to get a divorce with me and refuses to let me talk to him when i call her house.

 

It has been over a month since he moved out. He came over once to help attach the cable. I thought we kissed and patched things up as he said he'll come back soon, but a week or two later, he changed his mind and wanted to separate for good. He said that his sister and bro-in-law discuss about me and how terrible of a person I am. I eventually convinced him to go to marriage counseling, but he asked "do you still want us to go even if in the end it will not change my decision?" i said "Yes, even if you decide that because it's a place to talk about our issues and go to healthy place of functioning."

 

Our first counseling seemed to go well in speaking dynamics but he addressed to the counselor he was still sure he doesn't want to come back. This entire week we haven't communicated. He has closed his phone service and email is the only means of communication. What are some suggestions to slowly with baby steps gain his trust back and activities that will make him want to interact again, such as bowling, eating, etc? How can I gain his trust back when his family is discouraging him to patch things up?

[fucpcg]

Sounds a bit like my story, in a way. My girl and I, when we started dating, she was a disaster with me. Mainly blowing me off to go partying ALL the time with her girlfriends, and this is a girl who was a mother of 3 who had very limited time available. I made myself available to her whenever she had a chance without her kids. In return, I got blown off. To kick it up a notch, she then started getting very nasty with me when out drinking, by text, calling me names, accusing me of ****, basically real BS trouble starting. She got so ridiculous about things that after a few months I broke up with her.

 

She came back crying, begging, pleading for me to get back with her. She needs me, she loves me, she can't be without me (something she proved the opposite of when we dated), she will do anything to get me back. She seemed so sincere, and I really feel for her and her desire to get back together, so I said yes if you quit drinking totally, I will get back with you. She quit, and went on to become the best girlfriend I ever had, to the point that I proposed for the first time in my 41 years. Shortly after that it all fell apart.

 

Why? Well at the time I had some struggles I was going thru. Most of it was reliving some bad experiences that I had with exgirlfriends with this girl. After all, our start was soo awful, that honestly I was still gun shy that things would go wrong again someday. But while all of this was going on in my head unknowingly, and affecting my relationship with her, she was trying to be as good of a girlfriend as she could be. One day she walked out, we had a couple conversations about getting back together, but each one went further downhill from her end. It got to the point that one month later, she wrote me an email about how TERRIBLE of a boyfriend I was to her, everything I got wrong, and how she would never see me or speak to me again because she was nothing but nice to me.

 

??? Does she not remember our beginning???

 

Your husband has plenty himself that he should be apologizing for, and doing what he can to make amends to you. You, possibly, "screwed up", but your screw up was definitely motivated by his poor behaviour when you were married. Would you have been off talking to other guys if he was being a model husband? Doesn't sound like it. So he screwed up, you screwed up, your screw up fairly could be considered motivated by his husband shortcomings. There is plenty of apologizing to be shared from both parties, on a 50/50 level, or if your husband really wanted to man up, he might just take a more of the 50%.

 

I tried to talk to my ex, I'm still trying to talk to my ex. I love her, I miss her, and I want to work things out. However I am not blind to the fact that much of my fears I had with her, that did lead to me acting in a way I do truly regret, actually were all a product of her horrendous start with me. However in her eyes, she was nothing buy nice to me. Ha, our first two months she was absolutely the worst girl I had ever dated in my life.

 

But like your husband's family, my girlfriend's friends were all lined up waiting to attack me for how lousy a person I was, and how poorly I mistreated her, cause after all, when she quit drinking, they were (1) exposed as to the kind of friends they were with her and (2) they lost their drinking buddy and wanted her back. They crucified me, she crucified me, they attacked me like you wouldn't believe after the breakup. Having said all that, I love my ex, but no way will I just buy into that I am all at fault, and she is miss perfect who never screwed up. And if I did, that would be enabling her bad behaviour, and me saving a relationship that is doomed to fail in the coming months and years. She needs to be able to sit down with me and say "I love you, I want to make this work, and we need to talk about all that we got wrong on BOTH ends, so that we don't lose our relationship".

 

I have apologized to my ex for what I got wrong, a few times. Her actions should not dictate mine. I had plenty to apologize for, and I did, but while I long for her return, I sit here quietly awaiting her to come to her senses about what all happened.

 

Chasing her won't get her, or if it did it won't last, but definitely in no way is one of our behaviours worse than the other's behaviour. She was terrible, I have been terrible, but I believe in her heart, and asked that she believe in mine. If she doesn't, she doesn't want to give what she had no problems asking for.... honestly and forgiveness.

Edited February 29, 2012 by fucpcg