This is SO hard, need support

[letgo]

After the past 4 weeks of NC, I broke down and called my MM's new place of employment in a new state.

 

I just needed to know if he was back at work; I didn't talk to him, but today he is back. He left there about a month ago to come home and take care of things with his family since he just up and left his home life with many loose ends.

 

I hadn't heard one word from him since, and me being the nosy person I am, I found out on the internet that he sold his house. I can only assume he has moved his family to this new location. After telling me that he and his wife were probly splitting up --- this would be 'the best time' --- his words!!!! Only to find out his teenage kids were having major problems in life did he drop complete contact with me to come home and try to fix his messed up world. No word to me, no explanation. I've had to do all the investigating so to speak on what's going on. When things get tough for him, he plays the disappearing act, ALWAYS.

 

I am so foolish. I can't believe after all these years of his empty promises that I still hung on to hope that this may have been an opportunity for us. He knew going in to this new job that if he moved his family there really would be no future for us. How can I be so stupid? I want to believe that what we've had for almost the last decade is real, but in the end it is just what it is........my big pathetic fantasy world built with an unavailable man. EMPTY WORDS from an empty man, this will be 'good for us'; a new beginning for us, we could start fresh. Then nothing. He abandoned me.

 

I really am trying to find the good side of this. I have lost a person who has played a major part in my life for almost the last 10 years; have I gained anything I really want? This is so hard. I wish I could let it go for real. He is now ex-MM, not by choice. But I have to move on.

[leilab]

My heart goes out to you - LETGO.

What a royal scum; I am at a loss of words. I know exactly what you are going through. The 4 weeks of hell without knowing; questioning yourself, him and the world and worrying because you love him. He did not deserve your worrying about him; how can a man do this?

 

This is exactly what I have been writing about. Complete emotional devotion to performing a amputation without anesthesia. I am so angry at your ex-MM. How the heck does a HUMAN BEING expect another human being to go on with life. This kind of behavior does not reflect love; this is a behavior that your worst enemy would not do to you. At least your enemy would just put you out of your misery.

 

LETGO - your recent post sounded to positive; with you moving on with your life. I hope for you this is not a set back but a step forward. I cannot tell you how if discovering the information you did would make me feel better or worse; I hope you are finding some closure in the facts.

 

My ex-MM of course, as you know did the disappearing act 8 years ago, and then again 3 months ago.

 

This may give you a brief smile - I am having a girlfriend check out my ex-MM's wife, in order to make myself feel better. I can't wait to hear the feedback from my friend; she works at the same location.

 

I think you should get a Voodoo doll; I'm thinking about it. Nothing like putting a couple of needles into that doll. Did I say I am having trouble expressing my anger?

 

Wish I could say more to help ease your pain. You are in my thoughts & prayers. Hug your kids.

[pocoestrella]

[font=times new roman][/font]

 

It's those things that we do even when we know we shouldn't that end up tearing us apart in the end...

 

Funny how you want to know the truth so much, yet fear that the most as you know what you will probably uncover...

 

LetGo... i'm so sorry you're in this misery... and for real what he did and continues to do is just wrong... However he IS right about one thing... this will be a great new start... but for the two of you seperately...

 

I know this is hard on you and you are hurting a lot... but now he has made his choice here and in your heart you know you deserve better than what he was giving you...

 

It's okay for you to grieve here... and it's okay for you to be angry... just make sure that you "let go" of that as well and allow yourself to be happy and know that this had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

 

Good Luck

[leilab]

LetGo---

 

How are you doing? I did not see any response and am hoping that you are handling this o.k.

[letgo]

To pocoestrella - your words helped me make it through yesterday --- thank you.

 

Hi Leilab~

I am not doing so well. Each day seems to get more difficult knowing that he is somewhere he can actually contact me, but he does not. That is the hardest part to deal with. I sound like a broken record when I say this, but with the exception of our one and only d-day period which lasted a month, we had daily contact (seeing each other, talking on the phone, i.m., email) for the past 8 years. So, to know that he can pick up the phone, log on to i.m., or email me and he WILL NOT is very heartbreaking.

 

I keep trying to put myself in his shoes.......knowing he had to take this job to support his family as he was the only bread winner..........dealing with his kid's emotions and unstable environment..........dealing with his psychotically unstable wife.............and I keep coming up with the same OBVIOUS conclusion; he just does not want to deal with breaking this off officially with me! I wonder if he has moved them there with him............my mind is my greatest enemy right now. I try to take it day by day which is all I can do and focus on work, myself, selling my house, separating with my husband. But obviously my mind just wants to obsess about him and why he is treating me this way!

 

One of the worst things is that my husband is the sweetest man. He so did not deserve this. The main issue in my marriage is his unavailability. Emotionally he was/is never there for me. But he was so ready and willing to make things work after he found out about my affair. For 2 years he was the perfect gentleman; he tried to do everything right --- but he still is not for me. I married young for all the wrong reasons, and now, much more mature, I realize that no matter what either one of us do, this marriage just isn't. We are much better off friends.

 

It was divine intervention that things fell this way. It couldn't last forever and years later I will probably realize what a mistake this relationship w/ex-MM was. It's just very hard to deal with in the now.

 

How are you doing? I'm not sure how I can send pm's --- I wish I could to you.

[leilab]

I can totally relate to the obsessing about WHY isn't, hasn't, will he not call??? Both our MM have made their choice very clear by not having any contact at all with us. We can tell ourselves that they loved us, we were their soul mates, and that this was IT. The facts however speak for how reality has unfolded itself, to our liking or not. And whether we like it or not, we have no control of anybodies actions but our own. Nothing we do or say will change that.

 

One thing is for sure. We do not have all the facts. And no matter how much information we obtain to figure out the why, what, and all the other questions, we will not have all the answers. Human beings are so complex and their brains function so very differently. Nobody knows what facts all came together for their decision to break it off, and have absolutely no contact.

 

Time will help some. It is still very early for you. Of course you are experiencing intense emotions - you have gone from having an intense relationship to nothing?? There is a big hole with nothing to fill it. It is like somebody died - except when that happens everybody tries to comfort you. In this case, you get nothing.

 

I know that each day gets harder. I experienced that too. It appears that no contact becomes harder and harder when you have a lot of yourself invested in the other person and don't have any answers. As you saw in my post, I was weekly getting the desperate urge to call and talk to him. Between you and me, in my mind I wanted him back so badly I would have done anything. It took three or four week till I finally called after hours and left a message. And then I merely told him that I was in the process of divorcing. He never called and I really did not expect him to; but after that I have lost my need to call. So, I guess that's a good thing. Maybe you will ultimately call him and get an answer (or not) and be able to put closure on your obsession.

 

For myself I am finally starting to see a little progress. I guess I am a slow healer. This will take a long time. Reading back over my diary I see that I am at least functioning, and taking care of my basis needs. Happiness however is a long way from here.

 

Baby steps. One foot in front of the other. And be true to your self. Take care.

[Mr Spock]

I think it's because they pretend emotional attachment with sex while for us it comes naturally. I am trying set up my departure as the OW at the moment-trying to get him face to face next week but he's avoiding it kind of. I think he'd rather keep me hanging on at a dstance then cut things off......

[letgo]

He contacted me yesterday. My worst fear confirmed --- his son tried to end his life; this is why I haven't heard from him. His family (wife+2 teenage boys) is one of the most bizarre/sad/dysfunctional I've ever heard of. Ever since he married, his wife has tried to commit suicide a number of times. All with these 2 boys witnessing.

 

With their regular day-to-day dysfunction, it doesn't surprise me at all that this occurred. Their marriage is completely bizarre. They live in separate parts of their house, take separate vacations with their kids, spend weekend time apart from each other, etc. etc. They have talked divorce a number of times, but it's always come down to staying together for the kids. I don't know how in the world they (kids) could benefit from the type of environment they were in.

 

And with this new job in a different state, he just left his family abruptly with no real explanation about what was going to happen next......so they are left in limbo. Not the best way to handle an enormous change with teenagers.

 

I fee so terrible, like I have a major responsibility for this. There's no doubt in my mind that the wife has been blaming the affair on part of the child's suicide attempt in counseling. From what I know about her, she will try to blame everyone else except herself for the damage done to this poor kid.

 

My emotions have run the gamut. I am so depressed. I don't know what to do. I have an appt with my therapist next week; I need help to sort through this. I want to let this all go.