Girlfriend "won't" find a job

[carhill]

No, that's a double standard and it's OK. Men have choices too, about whom they associate with, just like women do. If this dynamic isn't working for the OP, it isn't, regardless of 'circumstances'.

 

I found myself in similar circumstances (to the OP's GF) and it cost me a marriage. That's how life works. People choose and sometimes the results hurt. Own it and move on.

[kaylan]

No, that's a double standard and it's OK. Men have choices too, about whom they associate with, just like women do. If this dynamic isn't working for the OP, it isn't, regardless of 'circumstances'.

 

I found myself in similar circumstances (to the OP's GF) and it cost me a marriage. That's how life works. People choose and sometimes the results hurt. Own it and move on.

Luckily I dont date women who wont get with the times and away from silly double standards. But it is what it is.

 

You said you were in a similar situation. Had you chosen not to work for a long time?

[OliveOyl]

Regardless of whether she's "lazy," whether taking care of grandma is a noble venture or merely an excuse to do nothing, the fact remains that the situation is your problem, not hers. She's fine with it... you aren't. So, you have three avenues:

 

1) Stay where you are with her, continue to try to get her to change (she probably won't change, and if she does, it will be on her own timetable, not yours).

 

2) Accept her for who she is. I mean really accept her, not just lip service.

 

3) End the relationship, and move on.

[carhill]

You said you were in a similar situation. Had you chosen not to work for a long time?

In my case, I was caregiving and my business suffered as a result, both from time away and the emotional impact of caregiving. My exW chose to be unsupportive. Ultimately, I was replaced. Life goes on.

[kaylan]

In my case, I was caregiving and my business suffered as a result, both from time away and the emotional impact of caregiving. My exW chose to be unsupportive. Ultimately, I was replaced. Life goes on.

Id say thats different from OPs case. You were caregiving AND had a business.

 

Sounds like this gf of his barely does any caregiving and hangs out a lot...while also having no job.

 

Sorry your ex was a tool though. Youre right, life does goes on.

[carhill]

What I learned to see better, in MC, is the concept of different and equitable sides of a particular circumstance. That lesson drove my questions to the OP in this thread. Just as my exW's perception of my circumstance was likely (certainly, in the end) very different than my own, so are the perceptions of the OP and his GF. Things she sees or may see as important and valuable to her, he sees as avoiding work and being lazy. Who's wrong? I have no idea. I'd love to side with him because, damn, that's easy

[fortyninethousand322]

Didn't the Beatles say "all you need is love"?

[carhill]

Didn't the Beatles say "all you need is love"?

It certainly sold well

[january2011]

Things she sees or may see as important and valuable to her, he sees as avoiding work and being lazy.

 

Which suggests a fundamental difference in values and life goals. In this instance, I agree that it does not matter who is right or wrong. What matters is that they are incompatible.

[carhill]

Yep, and if those current incompatibilities are irreconcilable, there's a fork in the road coming up.

[Els]

Thats just hearsay however. We can only judge the situation based on the information given to us. We cannot make speculations about this...especially when the OP has not given us any reason to believe that theres a good reason his gf avoids working.

 

The bolded is correct, but based on the OP's post you can sense that you're not getting the full story. There was no description of grandma, no concern for her. The poster has never even accompanied her to take care of grandma before, based on his own words, 'Based on what she tells me it seems like all she does is...'. For all we know, the poster's gf just doesn't tell him about EVERYthing she does for grandma (oh, today I helped give grandma 2 sponge baths and brought her to the toilet 5 times and cleaned up her poo).

 

Of course, it's entirely possible as well that grandma is really well and fine and can mostly take care of herself and the gf's just chillin' around. However, most people have already jumped on to that bandwagon - I choose to consider both possibilities.

 

Regardless, I completely agree with Olive_Oyl - whatever the gf is doing, she's paying her own bills and so it's HER problem, not the OP's. The OP can make his own decisions accordingly. I'll say this, though, I know many men who would love to have a girlfriend who pays her own bills AND takes care of her relatives that well. It takes a certain type of caring/empathic/nurturing personality to be a full-time caretaker (if she is indeed that), and many mature, LTR-minded men like that sort of personality.

[musemaj11]

Drop the leech, dude.

 

Or you can stay with her but dont even think about marrying her if you have at least half a brain cell.

[Woggle]

A 26 year old who has only had one seasonal job is certainly a huge red flag.

[zengirl]

Thats just hearsay however.

 

Technically, the whole thing is hearsay an what Elswyth said was not hearsay but speculation. FWIW.

 

We can only judge the situation based on the information given to us. We cannot make speculations about this...especially when the OP has not given us any reason to believe that theres a good reason his gf avoids working.

 

I agree with Elswyth that it feels as though there's something left out of the OP to me. Just feels that way---not saying there is. Personally, I don't generally take every question or OP at face value and think it's good to probe into other possibilities; it can provide the OP with things to think about he had not previously considered. Granted, the OP could come in with clarification on the grandma thing or even find some if he truly doesn't know.

 

There is a lot we do not know about the GF. Her family IS supporting her, but we don't honestly know if they do so reluctantly, happily, or even encourage her to take their support and care for her grandmother, rather than work. I couldn't do what she's doing --- give up my work to care for a family member --- and maybe she doesn't see it as giving anything up, maybe she's never considered it, and maybe she really truly just chills and watches a few soaps with grandma and uses it to be lazy. I honestly, from the OP, have no idea, and I think Elswyth provided some interesting questions.

 

As to gender, I do not think I've ever known a man who took time to take care of an ill family member. I commend Carhill for doing so. I think it's lovely. Typically, women are more likely to be caretakers, but I think I'd find the same questions valid if she were a BF instead of a GF. I don't think Elswyth's thoughts on getting more info on the family are gender-motivated---I do think they're culturally motivated. I believe she's from a country where caring for family instead of working is far more common than in the U.S. where we constantly outsource the care of our old (to a sad degree in many cases).

 

Olive Oyl's post is the most true, though: The OP's girlfriend sounds like she has some qualities that are troubling to him, so he has to decide whether he wants to go or stay (I would personally want to look into why she's caring for her grandmother and what her actual family dynamics were first, if it were me), but technically she's not taking any money or support from him, so it's not his business beyond his own choice to be in the relationship or not. She hasn't "mistreated" him in any way by choosing to live her life in a way he may disapprove of, though it may still be a reason to leave, if that's what he wants.

[Els]

Thanks for getting my point, zengirl.

 

As to gender, I do not think I've ever known a man who took time to take care of an ill family member. I commend Carhill for doing so. I think it's lovely.

 

And I totally, totally agree with this.

 

Typically, women are more likely to be caretakers, but I think I'd find the same questions valid if she were a BF instead of a GF. I don't think Elswyth's thoughts on getting more info on the family are gender-motivated---I do think they're culturally motivated. I believe she's from a country where caring for family instead of working is far more common than in the U.S. where we constantly outsource the care of our old (to a sad degree in many cases).

 

Yeah, I personally find it sad that anyone would want their spouse to work professionally instead of take care of a relative who needed it. It's one thing if the spouse him/herself wanted to work instead - while that's still considered 'unfilial' in Asian culture, I do think that not everyone is cut out to be full time caretakers. But have we become so materialistic that a person who stays at home to take care of a relative is automatically labelled 'lazy', 'a leech', 'unmotivated', without even bothering to probe for the circumstances? Truth be told, if I had to quit a career path to take care of an ailing parent, I would, but it would be a bigger sacrifice and would be a lot more difficult to me than NOT abandoning my career path and simply letting a hospice take care of them for me. I would hugely admire a man who gave up his career to look after an ailing relative.

 

If that was the case, of course.

[kaylan]

Technically, the whole thing is hearsay an what Elswyth said was not hearsay but speculation. FWIW.

 

That makes what she said speculative hearsay.

 

"Hearsay is information gathered by one person from another person concerning some event, condition, or thing of which the first person had no direct experience."

 

In this case OP has direct experience with this woman...so the whole thing is not hearsay. He sees whats going on and sees how much time it takes her to be with grandma. If shes spending a good portions of her day "running errands" I hardly see her as a full time care taker.

 

I simply made judgments based on the facts given to me. When you speculate on the possibilities of what may be going on when the facts say nothing of the sort, that is speculative hearsay.

 

Thanks for getting my point, zengirl.

 

And I totally, totally agree with this.

 

Yeah, I personally find it sad that anyone would want their spouse to work professionally instead of take care of a relative who needed it. It's one thing if the spouse him/herself wanted to work instead - while that's still considered 'unfilial' in Asian culture, I do think that not everyone is cut out to be full time caretakers. But have we become so materialistic that a person who stays at home to take care of a relative is automatically labelled 'lazy', 'a leech', 'unmotivated', without even bothering to probe for the circumstances? Truth be told, if I had to quit a career path to take care of an ailing parent, I would, but it would be a bigger sacrifice and would be a lot more difficult to me than NOT abandoning my career path and simply letting a hospice take care of them for me. I would hugely admire a man who gave up his career to look after an ailing relative.

 

If that was the case, of course.

Being a full time care taker isnt bad. No one is saying that. OPs girlfriend isnt though. So she is lazy..and so are certain women out there who simply dont want to lift a finger and want an easy life that hubby provides.

 

There are threads on the internet of women who want to stop working after marriage even before they decide to have kids. As if saving that money for the kids future isnt important. This is the attitude guys dont like. Guys dislike women who simply want a free ride and to be swept off their feet. Plus in this day and age, one income isnt enough to take care of a household in most places.

 

In this day and age getting a good job is hard. And there is nothing ever wrong with educating yourself for a better tomorrow.

But OPs girlfriend got her degree a while ago, has never had but a seasonal job, and is not trying to educate herself further. She simply wants others to take care of her.

 

Theres something wrong with that. The girl needs to grow up or find a different boyfriend. Shes obviously from a spoiled background

Edited March 1, 2012 by kaylan

[tigressA]

I was a full-time live-in caretaker for a year, and from what the OP says, it doesn't sound like his GF is. Then again, we're only hearing this from his side. That job really tried my patience--and yeah, I did have to clean up a lot of poo, sometimes vomit. I had to change this lady's diapers. I had to bathe her. I had to cook all her meals, do the laundry, keep the house clean.

 

I can tell you when I was at that job, I had a s*itload of dates and a couple of relationships. A lot of guys loved that that was my job.

 

Generally, I agree with what Olive Oyl said--he has options as to what he wants to do with his feelings about what he sees as her lack of gainful employment/lack of ambition. This is similar to my last relationship. He said he wanted me to make more money; he had issues with my 'ambition'. I told him those are his feelings and he can do what he wants with them except make me responsible for them.

[zengirl]

That makes what she said speculative hearsay.

 

"Hearsay is information gathered by one person from another person concerning some event, condition, or thing of which the first person had no direct experience."

 

Technically, Elswyth didn't gather any information---she provided a question. The OP provided hearsay about the family situation, yes, but whatevs. Not a court of law. Elswyth provided speculation in an interrogative manner. I'm not assuming the girl is truly needed in her current family obligations (nor was Elswth from what I understood) but I'm not assuming that her family hasn't expressed that she is truly needed there either. I have no idea. Family pressure can be an enormous thing in certain families, but people can also be giant lazy-asses. Or anything in between. I don't know. I think it's a good thing to discuss and investigate, based on the limited info in the OP.

 

In this case OP has direct experience with this woman...so the whole thing is not hearsay. He sees whats going on and sees how much time it takes her to be with grandma. If shes spending a good portions of her day "running errands" I hardly see her as a full time care taker.

 

She SAYS she spends a good portion of her day running errands, and he thinks that's what she does. He's not seen it. Therefore, it IS hearsay. That's precisely what hearsay is.

 

I simply made judgments based on the facts given to me. When you speculate on the possibilities of what may be going on when the facts say nothing of the sort, that is speculative hearsay.

 

We were not given facts on her family situation --- we were given the OP's speculation, of which he did not sound certain of, honestly. That's why Elswyth had questions.

 

Being a full time care taker isnt bad. No one is saying that. OPs girlfriend isnt though. So she is lazy..and so are certain women out there who simply dont want to lift a finger and want an easy life that hubby provides.

 

What we do know is that she has not had a man (her BF) provide for her, so it seems like a similar leap to suggest she wants that as much as Elsywth's leap does. I really don't know. There are several potential speculations. At any rate, her BF is free to have a problem with her choice, regardless of whether she is doing it because her family prefers her to be free to help them and her grandmother with things or because she's lazy.

 

There are threads on the internet of women who want to stop working after marriage even before they decide to have kids. As if saving that money for the kids future isnt important. This is the attitude guys dont like. Guys dislike women who simply want a free ride and to be swept off their feet. Plus in this day and age, one income isnt enough to take care of a household in most places.

 

I don't think this applies to the OP at all unless the GF has expressed this is her wish. In short, I think we're all making leaps here --- we have to because not quite enough information is provided in the OP (which suggests to me that either the BF needs to think about all these questions and thoughts OR actually ask his GF and talk to her about her life, her priorities, and so forth; I think it's great for couples to have those conversations---not the "You should" convos but the "What do you want from your life?" convos to see if they're compatible).

 

However, I think there's nothing wrong with any household setup you so choose, and families and couples can decide for themselves what setup they like. Some men might want a SAHW even without kids---men with very taxing careers for instance. Hell, sometimes when my work is busy (luckily it's only spurts), I wish I could afford a SAH hubby. *shrug* And when hubby's work is busy and he's working 80 hour weeks, I try to cut back on my hours---I'm sure he wishes I could do ALL the domestic stuff those weeks and not work. So, while I'd never be cut out for staying home (nor would hubby) and that'll never be our setup, I don't judge anyone else's setup out of hand.

 

ETA: The issue here is that she and the OP seem to be incompatible on this VERY important issue. If it matters to him, then it is a problem, and perhaps they are not a good partnership for him to continue. She doesn't have to be a horrible person for that to be true, though she very well COULD be a horrible person --- again, I have no idea.

Edited March 1, 2012 by zengirl

[LexiB]

I cant believe you're all defending this lazy ass girl!!! Really??? No work ethic or ambition, she sounds like a loser. If op was female posting about a man being unemployed for 2 yrs......cmon......

 

 

 

Agreed. Sacrificing a career to take care of family is a noble thing, but that doesn't sound like what this girl is doing, at all. Seems more like she's using her grandma as an excuse to be lazy. Really unattractive behavior, imo.

 

OP, you're not going to be able to change her. You just have to decide if the qualities you're seeing in her are ones you will be able to live with long term. Are all of your other experiences of, and with her enough to outweigh an (apparent) lack of 1) ambition and 2) desire for self-sufficiency?

[kaylan]

Technically, Elswyth didn't gather any information---she provided a question. The OP provided hearsay about the family situation, yes, but whatevs. Not a court of law. Elswyth provided speculation in an interrogative manner. I'm not assuming the girl is truly needed in her current family obligations (nor was Elswth from what I understood) but I'm not assuming that her family hasn't expressed that she is truly needed there either. I have no idea. Family pressure can be an enormous thing in certain families, but people can also be giant lazy-asses. Or anything in between. I don't know. I think it's a good thing to discuss and investigate, based on the limited info in the OP.

I know its not a court of law...however I enjoy the way facts are treated in a courtroom. You work with whats given to you and thats that. May have something to do with my dad being a defense attorney and my having been a Poly Sci minor lolz

She SAYS she spends a good portion of her day running errands, and he thinks that's what she does. He's not seen it. Therefore, it IS hearsay. That's precisely what hearsay is.

Its not hearsay when its information directly related towards her own actions. Do you truly know what is? Hearsay is information received from someone who does not have direct knowledge of a situation. His girlfriend has DIRECT knowledge of her own schedule.

 

Thus anything she tells him is not hearsay.

We were not given facts on her family situation --- we were given the OP's speculation, of which he did not sound certain of, honestly. That's why Elswyth had questions.

Even with more facts, we HAVE been told that this chick does not spend much time with her grandmother and is out and about much of the day. If her grandmother was ill and she wasnt taking care of her much of the time, then shes a crappy caretaker...another reason to dump her.

What we do know is that she has not had a man (her BF) provide for her, so it seems like a similar leap to suggest she wants that as much as Elsywth's leap does. I really don't know. There are several potential speculations. At any rate, her BF is free to have a problem with her choice, regardless of whether she is doing it because her family prefers her to be free to help them and her grandmother with things or because she's lazy.

How is that a huge leap? She has shown that she doesnt take care of herself, her family does. Shes an adult who doesnt want to work...so itd be apparent to anyone that as this relationship moves forward, she will not be equipped or very willing to take care of herself.

 

Op has the the right to be bothered...and should bail in my opinion.

I don't think this applies to the OP at all unless the GF has expressed this is her wish. In short, I think we're all making leaps here --- we have to because not quite enough information is provided in the OP (which suggests to me that either the BF needs to think about all these questions and thoughts OR actually ask his GF and talk to her about her life, her priorities, and so forth; I think it's great for couples to have those conversations---not the "You should" convos but the "What do you want from your life?" convos to see if they're compatible).

I wouldnt say it doesnt apply. Those women have the same exact personalities as OPs girlfriend. The thing is, OP tried to talk to his gf about all this, but she doesnt want to talk about it. So he should leave.

 

Why have a relationship with someone who wont communicate?

However, I think there's nothing wrong with any household setup you so choose, and families and couples can decide for themselves what setup they like. Some men might want a SAHW even without kids---men with very taxing careers for instance. Hell, sometimes when my work is busy (luckily it's only spurts), I wish I could afford a SAH hubby. *shrug* And when hubby's work is busy and he's working 80 hour weeks, I try to cut back on my hours---I'm sure he wishes I could do ALL the domestic stuff those weeks and not work. So, while I'd never be cut out for staying home (nor would hubby) and that'll never be our setup, I don't judge anyone else's setup out of hand.

There are many kinds of household setups out there...true. Doesnt change the fact that times moved on from the past where most women were SAHMs. Nowadays most men expect their wife to work at least part time. A lot of dudes arent looking for SAHMs anymore. We know how expensive it is to run a household. But if the family can manage it, there nothing wrong with being a stay at home parent if your spouse is 100% ok with it and you do all the work youre supposed to do in the house.

 

Trust me, I understand your reasoning. Id happily pick up the slack if my girlfriend/wife had a hectic work week. I have no problem cleaning up and cooking and what not. Guys my age dont expect women to do all the housework and cook while also having a job. My friends and I were raised to do things for ourselves and no issue doing our share around the house.

Edited March 1, 2012 by kaylan

[aj22one]

Do you need her to work, or is it just a preference? Y'all could win the lottery tomorrow and this whole thing would be moot if it's the former.

 

I make enough money that I'd be ok if my gf decided she no longer wanted to work (wouldn't happen but I'd be ok with it). If that's not the case for you then you've got to have a talk with her.

[kaylan]

I was a full-time live-in caretaker for a year, and from what the OP says, it doesn't sound like his GF is. Then again, we're only hearing this from his side. That job really tried my patience--and yeah, I did have to clean up a lot of poo, sometimes vomit. I had to change this lady's diapers. I had to bathe her. I had to cook all her meals, do the laundry, keep the house clean.

 

I can tell you when I was at that job, I had a s*itload of dates and a couple of relationships. A lot of guys loved that that was my job.

 

Generally, I agree with what Olive Oyl said--he has options as to what he wants to do with his feelings about what he sees as her lack of gainful employment/lack of ambition. This is similar to my last relationship. He said he wanted me to make more money; he had issues with my 'ambition'. I told him those are his feelings and he can do what he wants with them except make me responsible for them.

Were you a full time live in care taker for a family member? Or was a it a job elsewhere?

 

Either way, your situation sounds far different from OPs girlfriend. I dunno why people keep comparing her situation to others where the women are actually working their tails off. This chick isnt doing it.

 

I give you props from what you did though tigress. I couldnt do it unless it was for an immediate family member.

 

Do you need her to work, or is it just a preference? Y'all could win the lottery tomorrow and this whole thing would be moot if it's the former.

 

I make enough money that I'd be ok if my gf decided she no longer wanted to work (wouldn't happen but I'd be ok with it). If that's not the case for you then you've got to have a talk with her.

Responses like this one are exactly why I know this thread would look a bit different with swapped genders. I need to try an experiment soon.

 

But AJs avatar reminded this is America...and though we love a hard working American, you do have the freedom to not work if you dont wanna.

Edited March 1, 2012 by kaylan

[aj22one]

Responses like this one are exactly why I know this thread would look a bit different with swapped genders. I need to try an experiment soon.

 

But AJs avatar reminded this is America...and though we love a hard working American, you do have the freedom to not work if you dont wanna.

 

Haha, remember I'm against welfare and so called "social safety net" programs. It's not about not wanting to work and being able to (I'm no fan of freeloaders), it's about a couple coming to an agreement on the details of their relationship.

 

If my gf said she wanted to be a homemaker we'd have a discussion on what that would mean. I make enough money that it'd be ok, although that would have impacts on quality of life.

[zengirl]

I know its not a court of law...however I enjoy the way facts are treated in a courtroom. You work with whats given to you and thats that. May have something to do with my dad being a defense attorney and my having been a Poly Sci minor lolz

 

The problem with that is I consider most people here hostile witnesses then. *shrug*

 

And we admit many, many things that factually would NOT be included in a courtroom, such as the OP giving a description of the GF's caretaking job (that truly is legal hearsay and speculation, except for his description of what he actually saw). In a REAL courtroom, we'd likely call the GF to the stand, and I think that's what Elswyth was pointing out.

 

Its not hearsay when its information directly related towards her own actions. Do you truly know what is? Hearsay is information received from someone who does not have direct knowledge of a situation. His girlfriend has DIRECT knowledge of her own schedule.

 

Right, but his repeating it to us makes it hearsay. HER stating it would not be. I have direct knowledge of events dealing with my employees, but if I have someone else testify that I TOLD them something happened, it would not be admissible in an unemployment hearing. That's why I have to be on the phone for every damn one and can't have my assistant take the calls! And if I wasn't the one who has direct knowledge, I have to get the manager who was on the call. That's something I deal with regularly.

 

Even with more facts, we HAVE been told that this chick does not spend much time with her grandmother and is out and about much of the day. If her grandmother was ill and she wasnt taking care of her much of the time, then shes a crappy caretaker...another reason to dump her.

 

It sounds like she's out and about running errands for her family from the OP. We don't know what those errands are or what they entail. We don't really know where she is. The OP knows she's not at home and can report things she's said, but only to a degree. My point is, if you want to make it like a court, we're falling way short, which is why I suggest we don't. *shrugs*

 

At any rate, I think he should break up with her if he's not happy with the life they have together and with what she brings to the relationship and with what her life priorities are, regardless of whether she's taking excellent care of granny and being a great family member or just avoiding the workforce. Again, I don't think the woman has to be vilified or glorified at all---though we can ask many questions, hopefully for the benefit of the OP thinking about them, getting them answered, or thinking on the answers. The idea is to help the OP, not trash his GF, right?

 

How is that a huge leap? She has shown that she doesnt take care of herself, her family does. Shes an adult who doesnt want to work...so itd be apparent to anyone that as this relationship moves forward, she will not be equipped or very willing to take care of herself.

 

Again, we don't know if her family prefers her not working. We don't know. I'm not saying they do---I'm saying we don't know. Therefore, it's a leap to suggest that she expects a husband to provide for her, unless she's expressed that to her BF. It's certainly something they should TALK about, as I presume he has the ability to discuss such things with her after 2 years together. I'm all for discussing things and getting real answers, rather than speculating on them is all.

 

Op has the the right to be bothered...and should bail in my opinion.

 

OP has the right to be bothered by ANYTHING is my point. If the OP doesn't want a girl who still lives at home and is codependent with her family (we don't really know if they are as dependent on her as she is on them!), then that's cool too, even if she is caretaking granny with excellent loving care. I'm cool with him breaking up with anyone he doesn't think would make him happy.

 

Why have a relationship with someone who wont communicate?

 

Now, this is true, but in the OP it sounded to me like he was a bit afraid to really communicate --- I'd say push through and really talk about these things, even if it leads to a fight or a breakup. It sounded to me like he was fearing and avoiding a fight (which may be real or may be imagined, you never know if you avoid it). I say: charge in and ask the tough questions. But don't expect someone to be exactly who you want them to be---they won't. Just assess whether the person works for you or not and exercise your option to leave if it doesn't.

 

There are many kinds of household setups out there...true. Doesnt change the fact that times moved on from the past where most women were SAHMs. Nowadays most men expect their wife to work at least part time. A lot of dudes arent looking for SAHMs anymore. We know how expensive it is to run a household. But if the family can manage it, there nothing wrong with being a stay at home parent if your spouse is 100% ok with it and you do all the work youre supposed to do in the house.

 

I think any family set up is okay as long as both parties agree to it. I won't throw any "supposed to"s onto anyone else's household, and they can't throw any onto mine. I'm not suggesting most women will be SAHWs now; I don't think most WANT to be, honestly. I am suggesting that being a SAHW/H, even without kids, could have value to some family setups.

 

I guess I don't see it as a gender thing because most of the SAH people I know are husbands (fathers, in most cases, but not all), and they aren't freeloaders perse. They do contribute, just in different ways.

[Untouchable_Fire]

As to gender, I do not think I've ever known a man who took time to take care of an ill family member. I commend Carhill for doing so. I think it's lovely. Typically, women are more likely to be caretakers, but I think I'd find the same questions valid if she were a BF instead of a GF. I don't think Elswyth's thoughts on getting more info on the family are gender-motivated---I do think they're culturally motivated. I believe she's from a country where caring for family instead of working is far more common than in the U.S. where we constantly outsource the care of our old (to a sad degree in many cases).

 

I spend a huge amount of time taking care of my grandmother. I do a 5 hour drive every friday to spend the weekend with her... then another 5 hour drive back. My father takes care of her during the week. I actually had to move in with her during last summer. I still work full time.

 

I'm Ok with a woman not getting a career as a GF... it's really not a big deal.

 

IF I plan on marrying a woman I'm not going to marry one that can't or won't work. Any marriage has about an 85% chance of ending in divorce. Having a stay at home mom is the the easiest way to ensure I get screwed.