Need to make sense of this! :(

[offcloudnine]

This is my original thread if anyone wants to read it.

 

The short version is that my girlfriend of 3 years recently broke up with me for the reason that she wanted to experience falling madly in love. This also occurred around the same time she made some new female friends and started hanging out with them a lot.

 

This comes as a surprise since we have been so loving and caring over the 3 years and I'm certain that we both fell in love with each other.

 

Is it really possible that she never fell in love with me? She didn't fall head over heels for me or anything when we first dated but she gradually fell in love with me, I'm sure of it.

 

• Could she have fallen out of love? If so is there any hope that she'll remember that she once did love me?
   
  
• Could it be the distance (we were LDR at the time of the break up) that made her forget the love she felt for me?
   
  
• Could it be that the new female friends introduced her to new personalities which were more attractive than her 'old' life?
  

She seems like a completely different person as the 'old' her would have never wanted for us to break up, ever.

 

Any ideas or advice would be much appreciated, this has been driving me insane.

[The_Good_Me]

Hi OC9

 

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. Breakups are hard enough without the added pain of trying to make sense of everything.

 

From what you've said in your original post I think it's safe to assume that she was in love with you during your relationship so I wouldn't upset yourself any more thinking that her never being in love with you was a possibility.

 

• Could she have fallen out of love? If so is there any hope that she'll remember that she once did love me?
  

The sad and painful answer is yes, she probably has fallen out of love with you at least for the time being. I'm sure she does remember that she was in love with you regardless of her saying that she doesn't remember and I reckon she said it as more of a statement "I don't want to be with you anymore". Even if she doesn't see it now I'm sure she will in the future when whatever is going on in her life right now settles down. Unfortunately that doesn't necesserily mean she'll come back to you and you may end up being a fond memory and that's all.

 

• Could it be the distance (we were LDR at the time of the break up) that made her forget the love she felt for me?
  

This would more than likely have contributed to the break up but will not be the major factor. Women like intimacy and that doesn't mean lots of sex, it just means spending time with them together just the 2 of you doing things you both like doing. When the intimacy is severed by distance, it does put a strain on the relationship probably more so for LTR's as you both have become attached and more emotionally dependant on each other. I'm having a hard time believing her when she suggests "I don't remember being in love with you"... you don't forget something like that and I really do think it was a way of words to let you down "softly".

 

• Could it be that the new female friends introduced her to new personalities which were more attractive than her 'old' life?
  

I'm sure this will have had an effect too I'm afraid. It looks like it's quite common for break ups to occur when one person in a relationship meets new people. New friends = new friends of friends, a whole new chapter of life opens up and everything seems exciting, especially in comparison to the LTR that has been a constant for so long (not saying your relationship was boring, just less exciting than new things). I also think people in their early to mid twenties are more prone to exploring new chapters of life when they find them.

 

Unfortunately in your situation it sounds like all these things stacked up against the relationship and it eventually became too much for it to survive.

 

These are just my opinions though. Of course I could be wrong and I do not claim to be a guru. I just hope that I have given you something to think about and that you are able to make sense of everything as soon as possible.

 

Again I am so, so sorry that this is happening to you and please do not for a moment consider that she didn't love you or wasn't in love with you. I am sure she was and I am sure she knows that too regardless of her not being able to admit it to you!

Edited March 1, 2012 by The_Good_Me

[offcloudnine]

@That_Good_Me

 

Thank you so much for your response.

 

I was reading through your reply and it follows to confirm my fears. Breaking up is never easy, at least for the dumpee, but to have lost something so precious to a number of external factors is really painful to accept.

 

I can see how meeting new friends seems so exciting and everything, will it ever settle down? Excitement never lasts and that's a fact, it works best in peaks and valleys. It's depressing to realize that she may have left me for the prospects for something more 'exciting'. I think she's been spending a lot of time and practically replaced me with her new friend(s).

 

It has almost been a week since we broke up, and I'm still feeling the void more than ever. I have gone NC, but she has sent me messages that she misses me to which I have not replied; I did reply the ones the first few days before I went NC. I'm not sure what's going through her head right now but nothing can pardon her betrayal to me without at least a proper explanation.

 

I know this kind of goes against NC, but she is listed as in a relationship with one of her female friends on FB, does that mean anything? It kind of feels like after a stab in the heart, this is the twist. She has completely replaced me with this female friend of hers.

 

She's not being sensitive at all towards my feelings, should I write to her and just tell her that we can no longer be friends? It's tough losing her but her recent actions have dealt blow after blow.

Edited March 1, 2012 by offcloudnine

[The_Good_Me]

@That_Good_Me

 

Thank you so much for your response.

 

I was reading through your reply and it follows to confirm my fears. Breaking up is never easy, at least for the dumpee, but to have lost something so precious to a number of external factors is really painful to accept.

 

I can see how meeting new friends seems so exciting and everything, will it ever settle down? Excitement never lasts and that's a fact, it works best in peaks and valleys. It's depressing to realize that she may have left me for the prospects for something more 'exciting'. I think she's been spending a lot of time and practically replaced me with her new friend(s).

 

It has almost been a week since we broke up, and I'm still feeling the void more than ever. I have gone NC, but she has sent me messages that she misses me to which I have not replied; I did reply the ones the first few days before I went NC. I'm not sure what's going through her head right now but nothing can pardon her betrayal to me without at least a proper explanation.

 

I know this kind of goes against NC, but she is listed as in a relationship with one of her female friends on FB, does that mean anything? It kind of feels like after a stab in the heart, this is the twist. She has completely replaced me with this female friend of hers.

 

She's not being sensitive at all towards my feelings, should I write to her and just tell her that we can no longer be friends? It's tough losing her but her recent actions have dealt blow after blow.

 

Hey OC9

 

The exictement and rush of a new life will indeed settle down at some point. You said it best "Excitement never lasts and that's a fact, it works best in peaks and valleys." Unfortunately once it has settled down it has a chance to become their new normal way of life and the old life may appear "boring" in comparison. Of course the old life isn't boring in comparision, it's just different and not what they're looking for right now. Sometimes though, when the buzz has worn off, people do sometimes go back after the phase has worn off. It all depends on the person really and you can never tell which way these things will go. The sad thing is as the dumpee there isn't anything you can do but wait and see what happens. During the waiting, that's the time to work on yourself so if she does come back, you impress her all over again. You then become "new & exciting". That doesn't happen often but if it's what you want, it's what you should work towards as even if she doesn't come back, you'll feel better about yourself at least.

 

You're now in NC which is only a good thing. You should try very hard to stay true to NC. Well done for starting that so early! it takes some people months and one of my friends even a whole year before he started NC... It prolonged his healing by funnily enough, 1 year!

 

OK don't worry about her being in a relationship with a female friend on facebook. This friend is simply her emotional crutch at the moment and she's expressing her gratitude to her friend though a facebook status. It means nothing more than that I would expect. I think females do treat all their relationships very seriously and express themselves differently to us blokes. I could be wrong about that, perhaps a female member of the community could clear this up. Regardless though, I wouldn't let it get to you mate and try to be happy that she has someone to help her. At the same time I do know what you mean about how painful it is, your pain is the fact that she now has someone new to confide in. That is probably one of the first things you will come to accept and that pain does tend to pass rather quickly I found and I did feel releif that she was with at least someone that cared about her deeply enough to help her. I am sure you will come to the same conclusion as you're coming across as a really nice fella.

 

If you feel like you want to write her a letter to officially initiate NC then I think you should do it. I hand wrote my ex a letter to do exactly the same thing. It broke my heart but at the same time it felt liberating. I was lucky enough to have a friend or 2 to read my letter before I sent it and I think I edited it over a couple of days before I finally sent it. Pick a close friend or family member who's like minded to you and get them to read through it. Be open to critisim but make sure you make it your own. If you like you can always post it on here and get some opinions from some unbiased males & females who are going through what you're going through.

 

I know this is tough mate, you have my deepest sympathies and support if you need it.

[offcloudnine]

@The_Good_Me

 

I don't know how you do it, but you hit every nook and cranny of what I'm missing.

 

The excitement certainly won't last...and you're right about it the new life becoming her old...which is very possible I'm afraid Only time can tell and it really does suck that there's nothing I can do to help. I'll be trying to pick myself up over the next few weeks/months, hopefully become productive sooner rather than later, but I can't promise anything.

 

It was very hard for me to go NC, initially I did LC but it only hurt me more and more interacting with her as someone almost entirely different...

 

You're right about the female friend being her emotional crutch at the moment, she's spending copious amounts of time with her and some other friends. I just thought it was a wee bit insensitive to declare yourself in a relationship (with a female friend) almost right after leaving ours. I'm trying not to let it get to me, but most of her friends right now are part of the new life and thus part of the reason she sought for excitement, but I guess at the end of the day her friends were only the catalyst and she still pulled the trigger.

 

I don't know about making it official to her, I think I will just slowly fade from her life if she doesn't show any interest in "us" anymore. I moved around a lot for school, so I don't really have any friends locally where I am at now, and my parents are rather conservative in the sense that they don't quite buy the whole young love/romance, so my only resort was LoveShack. I'm really glad that I found LS.

 

Today is the second day of NC, and it has been tough, but it seems to be for the better. Hopefully I can regain my appetite and sleep at night properly sometime soon.

 

EDIT:

 

This is a bit off topic in regards to relationships, but I have noticed that people in general sometimes act differently towards normal friends, and differently towards their partners. Is this normal? Can anyone give any insight as to why they do it? And how can you tell when they are being "real" and not "plastic"?

Edited March 1, 2012 by offcloudnine

[olivec]

I know exactly what your going through man my last relationship was ld and then she moved to my city and started hanging out with her best friends who so happend to live in my city. I saw less and less of her and by the end of the first month she moved to my city the relationship was over. once she got in with her single friends plus new city she lost interest. Before that we were very much on the same page. All i can tell ya man is to stay strong and don't let her bring you down and try your best to stay nc.

[offcloudnine]

@olivec

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing the same thing...so did you just stay NC? Is that where you are now?

[olivec]

@olivec

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing the same thing...so did you just stay NC? Is that where you are now?

 

 

I havent had any contact since oct/11 and she made that contact. By that point we had been broken up since may/11 so I was feeling alot better about the whole situation as I knew she was not the right person and decided to move on with my life. Ofcourse at first when the breakup happend I wanted closure/answers and I never got any of that except for the typical bs that person says when they dump their bf or girlfriend. You probably won't believe me right now but trust me your better off without her man. And my ex gf did the samething to me still phoning me and sending texts so it gave me hope at first and like a fool i believed it so going n/c was extremely tough at first. But this forum helped me out alot because theres alot of great people on this site that went through all the same stuff your going through. At first I didn't believe I needed to do no contact because I was stubborn and wanted my ex back soo bad but i had to come to grips with it and stick with n/c and work on myself. Don't worry man you will get there trust me and you'll become soo much stronger from all this.

[offcloudnine]

I havent had any contact since oct/11 and she made that contact. By that point we had been broken up since may/11 so I was feeling alot better about the whole situation as I knew she was not the right person and decided to move on with my life. Ofcourse at first when the breakup happend I wanted closure/answers and I never got any of that except for the typical bs that person says when they dump their bf or girlfriend. You probably won't believe me right now but trust me your better off without her man. And my ex gf did the samething to me still phoning me and sending texts so it gave me hope at first and like a fool i believed it so going n/c was extremely tough at first. But this forum helped me out alot because theres alot of great people on this site that went through all the same stuff your going through. At first I didn't believe I needed to do no contact because I was stubborn and wanted my ex back soo bad but i had to come to grips with it and stick with n/c and work on myself. Don't worry man you will get there trust me and you'll become soo much stronger from all this.

 

 

I'm on the way of doing NC now...it's like day 3 today.

 

And you're right, I really do want her back really bad Did she ever show any signs of wanting to get back together?

 

It's crazy how one partner moves on and leaves the other stuck in limbo...especially when the relationship wasn't at all that bad.