platonic cheating

[maninpain]

This is something personal, and something I'm having a bit of a hard time with. [pause... takes a few big breaths] Quite honestly, I'm a bit scared.

I have alot on my mind with this and if I leave something out, am unclear of a detail, or if you want to ask a question, go ahead... seriously... anything.

 

My wife and I maybe got engaged too soon, and if I told you how quick, I'm sure you'd all say it was so. But it was out of choice, not because we needed to (like some do). This is besides the point, but probably part of the problem.

 

We've been married for almost 7 years now. From what I could/can see, we have a good marriage. We love each other and our children. We are both satisfied physically (you'll have to trust me on this one). We take care of one another. We respect one another and are considerate. But there is one thing that has been dying.

.

.

.

Our Freindship.

 

There's a good chance that we weren't as good of friends as we should have been when we got married, but we were crazy in love, and it might have overshadowed our view of the friendship portion of our relationship. Our life has been overly busy because of work and kids, we we haven't had much time to spend with each other. I know now that we should have made more time, but we didn't, and now we're where we're at.

 

And here's where it all blew up in my face.

 

Cheating.

Ah... wait... not the pysical kind. The platonic kind. Something that hurts in my eyes just as bad... Actually worse than the casual blankity blank on the side. (which has never happened with either of us by the way, just to clear that up.)

 

This was all something I was aware of, something right in front of my face, something I didn't have a problem with, something my wife had with a friend of mine (a friend of mine before her's). He would come over and hang out with us both. Eventually, she was getting the friendship, the friendship she lacked with me, from him. I was trying hard to work on what was between us, as I saw what was going on, but there was a wall, she had a platonic relationship with another male, one that was getting stronger than the one she had with me.

 

This, started making it harder for my wife and I to build a closer bond as there was something in the way. She has an emotional attachment to him. This went on for some time (I didn't open my mouth until recently, and I unknowingly spiraled downward very far. I knew there was something, I'm not ignorant, but I didn't realize the extent.)

 

So, we've had many long and difficult discussions about this, and I'm trying hard to tear down that wall that has been built up much larger than I thought. But, she's having a hard time giving that up because it's been going on so long, and she didn't see that there was a problem with it. I feel like she bretrayed me, that she has cheated on me in a worse respect than phicialy cheating... but the hard part is: where do you draw the line, ... there isn't one.

 

With physical cheating, there is a clearly drawn line, (at least mostly clear ie.: is a little kiss a cheat if thats all that happens or is just going all the way, and what is tollerable and forgivable (I know, everything's forgivable)... it's up for a little interpretation) I've been working hard to explain to her just what she has done to me and to what extent. I'm telling her to reverse positions with me. To look at it from my point of view, but instead of there being this freindship, there was sleeping around going on. I told her I felt sleeping around with someone to show what it felt like. That's how males like to cheat, But I would never do that. I couldn't do it.

 

So now, this is where we are at:

 

She still hasn't fully realized how I feel and how she has effected me.

She really doesn't want to give the friendship up she has with this other guy, and she's actaully fighting for it in a way.

We're being 100% honest with everything right now, not holding back anything

As a result, she has told me that she loves me, but she's not "IN" love with me anymore.

I'm willing to do anything.

We both REALLY do want to get back what we lost, but we know it's going to be hard.

We both wonder if our personallities are just too incompatable.

 

What do you think about this platonic cheating?

We are going to work on it and not give up, although we've talked about it, but we don't want to. Can we do it?

[pocoestrella]

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If the both of you want to keep the marriage, there isn't anything you cannot overcome, HOWEVER this takes the committment on BOTH parties to resolve...

 

It sounds to me that your wife doesn't really believe she is having an "emotional affair" she doesn't see a problem with it because she isn't having sex with this guy... however if he has become more important in her life than her marriage it is a HUGE problem.

 

I would recommend if you both want to keep the marriage you get into marriage conseling where an impartial third party can guide and help you both without taking sides.

 

Good Luck