the marriage isn't working for him anymore

[MickeyGW]

Hello all, I'm new so I'll fill you in. Big breath.....

 

My husband and I have been married almost 2 years. We became involved when I was separating from my first husband. This is his second marriage also.

He helped me realize I had the courage to leave my husband and they we could have the life I've always dreamed of. And he did. We have the most beautiful courtship with flowers, cards, poems, concerts, dining,etc. He had a georgeous engagement ring made for me. We had the most fabulous wedding, a girl's dream it was. Honeymoon to die for.

 

Now, he says "the marraige isn't working for him anymore". In October 2003, he finally told me he had been having doubts about us so we went to a therapist. He had admitted that he felt like more like father to me than a husband. I was devestated of course. I love him with all my heart. We had not returned to therapy after the new year due to a knee injury I received, surgery the works. I was totally dependent on him.

 

Things to me seemed to be going well. Sex life was great, we spent time together. Then slowly, he started to withdraw again. Let me explain that he is under a tremendous amount of stress at work (we work for the same comp., different department). He is director of the company, many responsibilities. He normaly would spend Sundays at work, then it was really late on nights during the week. He comes home anywhere from 10pm and 4am. I have asked if there was someone else, he has said no repeatedly, to me and to our therapist. He asked why I keep asking him that so I said "it has to be that, you can't just fall out of love with someone that fast when it was so intense and deep".

 

He is also suffering from depression (which I do as well). We are both on meds. I have been on meds for 3 years and about to come off, doing well until now. He has just started meds, barely a month on them. He has had other episodes of depression and was on meds many years ago and he seems very upset that he had to go back on them.

 

My take on this is that he has overworked and overstressed himeslf (I have warned him he was stretching himself thin and one day something was going to give. Never guessed it would have been our relationship) I think what gave is himself and he has lapsed into another major depression which is clouding his vision of us and his love for me. I just can't believe that something so intense could be gone so quickly. He wanted to spend his life with me at one point, practically begging me in his writings. I'm just speachless at this whole thing and spiraling into my own depression relapse now. I just can't do this anymore, meet someone, give them your heart, have it ripped out, divorce, start again. It's too much.

 

So, what do you guys think of my situation, hopeless?

Thanks so much, MickeyGW

[judy]

Same situation happended to me. He came home late and late and sometimes came bed around 2-3:00 am. Finanlly I found out he started dating a woman at work, (we worked in the same company,too). there must be a reason working that late.

[Miss_Prolixity]

Hi MickeyGW,

 

My heart goes out to you. I am truly sorry that you're enduring this painful time. Relationships sometimes, can be very disheartening. Especially when you have everyday stresses to add on top of that.

 

Right now I am recovering from a breakup. And I've been reading a few self-help books. One book would've been an added bonus if I had applied the principles during our relationship. It's called, The Five Languages of Love, by Gary Chapman. It's a book about finding your partners primary love language (quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch) and applying them to everyday life.

 

Also, my previous lover had dealt with depression for most of his life. He too was taking anti-depressants. I think a lot of his displeasure in our relationship was reflected due to his own unhappiness in life. I truly believe that unless you're content in your own life, it's hard to attain it through others. When we first met, he solely placed his happiness and made it dependant on me. Very unhealthy to say the least.

 

Again, I am truly sorry that you're enduring this pain and I do hope things get better between you two.

[MickeyGW]

Thank you both for responding.

 

Judy, I don't think he's having an affair. I've called at ALL times at his desk and he's always been there, 9pm, midnight, even 3am. We first went to see a therapist because he felt more comfortable telling me he didn't know if he loved me anymore with someone else present, in case things went bad. I had confronted him NUMEROUS times during these sessions about infidelity ant has always denied it. Why wouldn't he just confess to an affair while with our therapist was with with us? It's a "safe" place to discuss things like that. Just like him telling me all this initially with her present. I know, don't be a fool. My guard is always on now.

 

Miss_Prolixity, stress is NOT helping I know. I didn't mention that in addition to my knee injury, I have Crohn's Disease and have been put on a med that's usually used to treat leukemia, an immunosupressent, so you can imagine the side effects I'm experiencing. I'm SO sick from the meds and stress and conditions combined that I've had to take all of my sick and vacation time at work. Now, I need to look into FMLA. So my job may be in jeopardy now, what else now? I'm a nice person, I like everyone and everyone likes me. What did I do to deserve all this pain being put upon me?

 

Thanks for the book suggestion! I am now reading "Take Back Your Marriage Sticking together in world that pulls us apart" by William J. Doherty, PhD. What I'm learning is that nowadays, marriage is looked at as a consumer product. When another better model comes along, we "trade up". When I said my vows this time around, I took them seriously. In good and bad. Well, isn't this the bad? Why can't he see he doesn't have to do this alone? I also agree with you saying you can't love others until you learn to love yourself. I want to be by his side to help him through this, isn't that what love and the promises we made to each other on our wedding day meant?

 

Now, I'm not saying I don't have issues myself, I am seeing my own therapist, as is my husband. I just thought that marriage meant you would work things out together.

 

I was re-reading what you said "he solely placed his happiness and made it dependant on me. " That's how I feel. Like he's unhappy with our marriage because he's not happy and he thinks ending our marriage, changing jobs (he has mentioned that to me) is going to help. It's like taking Advil for a brain tumor. You may numb the pain temporarily, but the illness is still there and will come back.

 

What can I say, what questions can I bring up in our session, to snap him out of this and see what I'm saying? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

Sorry, I feel like such a whiner, but I am so hurt and so angry. My snow globe world is being shook way too hard. It really does feel good to get some of this out to people that are removed from the situation. Only one close friend of mine and my boss know what's going on. Neither one of our families know. (we are not all that close to our families). To tell you the truth, I'm embarrassed too. Many people at work knew/saw what I went through with my first husband and how difficult that was on me. Many had attended my wedding to my husband now, how can I face them? What a loser I must be to them? I just want to move far away and never see anyone I've ever known again.

 

Thank you all, MickeyGW

[azgirl]

MickeyGW -

I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly. I am not married, but I live with my guy - bf/ex - or whatever and I can understand a lot of what you are saying has happened with you and your husband.

 

My guy works two jobs to make ends meet. He rarely gets a full day off, most days he works both jobs. It makes for 15 hour + days. He's been stressed, exhausted, etc. One day about a month ago- he up and tells me that he doesn't "want this anymore." We hadn't been having major problems, a couple of fights here and there - but nothing that I felt was particularly damaging. Furthermore, he had just moved me in to his place two and a half months before this! I was stunned.

 

This was the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Loved him more and more each day. We certainly had our moments, but I thought our relationship was wonderful. We fairly regularly did romantic things for one another. Sex life was great, etc. This hit me like a ton of bricks. Well, to make a really long sad story shorter - I was devastated. There was a time period where we agreed to work on things, but as soon as we would come to that agreement - he would back track. With much, much prodding, I started getting things out of him. (First - let me just say - no, he is not seeing someone, either - I am sure of it.) Anyway - come to find out that he is having a ton of problems in his life right now. Things that have NOTHING to do with me. Problems with his family, too much work, plus he is very hard on himself. And when things go wrong in his life he just shuts down.

 

I talked with him last night -he has been very cold and stand-offish toward me this past weekend. However, last Thursday, we had a great talk (and sex) and I by no means thought we were back together (and conveyed this to him) and then he backed away. I told him that I just want to be able to get along until I can move out and get my own place. When I saw him last night - he actually communicated with me. It's not me. He is just a disaster right now. He told me he is shutting down and that he can't even think straight anymore. I am very worried about him. But - through this time - I have learned that he does indeed care about me. More than he admits to me even. And this is not about me.

 

However, someone here the other day said "it's not fair of them to drag us to their dark places." And that is true. Sounds like he is in the same kind of position that my guy is and has just decided to shut down. Know that this is not about you, take care of yourself and your own physical and mental health right now. The only thing you can do is let him know that you care about him and are not giving up on him because that is not what marriage is about.

 

I told mine last night that I won't give up on him. I won't bail on him during his time of need. I said "I don't want you to be my boyfriend right now, not in this condition. But I don't give up on people that I care about. And I don't think you've ever had that in your life." His eyes got all red and he turned away from me.

 

Just hang in there with him. I know it hurts. I have accepted the fact that we are not going to be a couple right now. But it also hurts to see him in pain. I hope this helps a little. It does get better. Just take care of yourself right now.

[rble618740]

I can't believe I'm here. I can't believe I'm about to reveal my most personal pain to strangers. I'm sure you are all wonderful, but I am just in shock.

 

Last Wednesday, my husband of nine short months left me. He said he could not stand all of the conflict in our home. He said he hadn't been happy for most of our marriage.

 

He was not working when we got married (just out of law school), he got a job he hated, was fired in March and hasn't worked since. I believe his displeasure with his working situation is responsible for his unhappiness. He thinks my confrontational approach to my complaints about him is what has doomed us.

 

I just, I can't even function. I am sending this from work. I've been here the last two days and have been completely unproductive. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to recover from this.

[azgirl]

I understand how you feel. I have a post earlier on this thread if you'd like to read my story. Mine, too, tells me he can't deal with the confrontation. We met for a drink last night (after much teeth pulling) to discuss his ever-changing behavior. We talked last Thursday, I was under no illusions that we were back together, but thought that in time, we may be able to work it out - then all of a sudden he grew cold again. His life, too, is in shambles right now. Dad may be facing jail for tax evasion, mom is becoming an alcoholic, and grandfather is dying, in addition to the fact that he works two jobs. He told me he just can't take the confrontation and my "grilling him" every time he comes home.

 

I am one of those people that likes to just talk things out and solve the problem. So I am probably much like you. He, on the other hand, just shuts down. He told me word for word that that is what he is doing right now. I know how hard it is. The first few days/weeks are the worst. All you can do right now is give him his space as hard as that is. I know my guy still cares about me. He told me so again last night. But right now he doesn't care about himself. So, right now he is not good for me - we can't be in a relationship the way I want. But I know he still cares deeply for me. That is why he can barely tolerate it when we do get along. It reminds him of his feelings for me and because of what he is going through right now - he wants to feel nothing. Not to mention the fact that sometime in May marked the anniversary of the death of a very close friend of his - so it is hard for him to be close to someone. He is, emotionally, a wreck right now. Sounds like perhaps that may be the situation with yours. I'm sorry you are in such pain. I am here if you need to talk.

[rble618740]

AZ -

 

Thanks so much for making me feel like someone else out there understands what's going on with me. He and I had a great conversation on Thursday, another great conversation on Friday, we met and talked some things out on Saturday, and then we saw a pastor/marriage counselor on Sunday. This thing has just had a huge effect on everything else. My job is extremely demanding and I've been dysfunctional. It seems impossible for me to think about waiting for weeks or months to see if we are going to be able to work things out. I like things cleaned up and contained, not unresolved.

[MickeyGW]

So, here I am. Hubby and I have been trying to talk this out but he keeps insisting he doesn't love me anymore. I think he never loved me to begin with, he was in love with the idea of being in love with me. He kept saying he could take care of me, make me happy, give me what I want but what I didn't hear was I want to spend my life with you, I want to be by your side through good and bad. That's what marriage and a relationship is about, not just "taking care of someone"

 

He keeps saying he's sorry he hurt me but I don't want to hear it. I am so pissed. How could he play roulette with my life like this? Just because it made him feel better about himself as a man/person to take care of me is not a reason to get involved, never mind get married. I feel like I've been duped. How unfair is this? How cruel is this? Honesty went out the window. He said he did love me my love can change. Bull****, not like this. Which makes me believe he never loved me to begin with.

 

After reading my posts fro earlier, can anyone see what I'm talking about? Do I sound crazy?

[Miss_Behavin143]

First off, to all you ladies going through anything remotely close to your husband or boyfriend leaving you because he doesn't "love" you or whatever.. I am so sorry to hear that, and I can feel for all of you.

 

 

I may or may not be younger than ya'll, I'm only 21, but Mickey.. I had a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years, I got pregnant at 19, since we were engaged anyways, we got married a little earlier than expected, he deployed to Iraq 1 month after we had our daughter, got home, and left me a week later saying he didn't "love" me anymore. Later, I found out he met someone else right after he got home. How you can leave your wife and daughter of almost 4 years for someone you've known a week, amazed me.

Which I don't see how that was possible because we were madly in love with each other throughout our whole relationship. Roses, trips, dinners, all that... all the time.... I begged him, cried, called, pleaded, made myself look completely hopeless for about 3 weeks... after that.... I was amazed at how all my hurt slowly turned to anger. It did. After about 2 weeks of anger, I was completely free of any emotions I had from him. I know that's easy for me to say, and I don't know WHY or how that happened. I've always believed once you love someone you'll always have a small place in your heart for them. We've been separated a year now, and I don't have any feelings towards him. I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm just not anything.

 

So, I am living proof that with time.... and while it may hurt like hell now... it can get better. Trust me though, for 4 or 5 weeks there all I ever did was cry, when I was out to dinner with my family or friends if they played a song in the restaurant that reminded me of us, I'd break down and cry at the table, at church, I'd break down and cry out of nowhere, and the movies, everywhere.. it was horrible. But, it can get better. Give yourself time to go through all the phases and transitions and it will get better.

 

It amazes me how men can say they just "fall" out of love with you, or just don't want to be with you anymore after years of effort and so on.... I can't explain it. So, I can't help you there. But, I can say that I'm living proof you can move on.

 

Again,

Mickey, Miss, RBLE, AZ,

I know maybe your situation is so much worse than mine was.... or maybe a little different.... but I know what it's like to have the love of your life tell you he's not in love with you anymore, to get your stuff and move out, and then find out he's been with someone else.

I am so so sorry ya'll are going through this and I just hope you can tough it out and come out better than ever before. What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger and I believe that 100%. I wish ya'll the best.

[TempSain]

Sorry to hear about your sorrow.

I was wondering if your husband's recent deployment to Iraq had anything to do with him leaving you for another women. What I mean by that is, do you think he may have had a life changing experience over there that made him think, there is more to life that what I have now?

[Miss_Behavin143]

Before he left me, the week he was home... he talked alot about what he saw over there. and yeah, he saw alottttt of stuff, Iraqi guys heads being ran over and over by tanks while flies were all over it... he lost a good friend because the Medics on the ground couldnt do enough for him and the helicopters took to long.. (He was a medic) so, you can imagine he saw alot of crazy stuff.

 

However, I was never anything but like.. the best to him, wrote him EVERY day... sometimes twice a day, made little cards from our daughter to him (even though she was only like 4 months old), I sent him pictures all the time, boxes of stuff, I mean, I was like the perfect military wife, went to all the family meetings, made the welcome home banners, all of it... lol

I don't imagine he could think there was more to life than what he had. If nothing else... he left a 6 month old beautiful little baby girl behind too. *shrugs*

 

I don't know what changed him. I can't imagine what he went through over there... even with him describing some of the stuff to me, I can't imagine.

But, when he comes home... he's got mine and Madisons picture inside his army helmet.... you gotta think he still cared for us? So, a week later for him to tell us to get our stuff and move out.. I was kinda dumbfounded.... you know?

But, me and Maddie are doing fine now. I just can't answer your question. I don't know what went through his mind unless because he was young too... same age as me, he just realized after being with the "guys" for 6 months, he wasn't ready to be a husband and daddy yet.

[MickeyGW]

Well, he's pretty much made up his mind and won't budge. He still insists that love can change and his has. I feel there HAS to be a reason other than he just doesn't love me anymore. He is willing to come with me to see a counselor again but I don't believe his heart is in it so I don't know how good this will turn out.

 

HAs anyone ever heard a man just losing his love for someone? He keeps standing his ground that there's no one else. He's depressed and suicidal. He is getting help on his own for this but I fear that his therapist is telling him to do what's good for him, and that if he feels this marriage isn't working, to do something about it so he can be happy. How can someone who says they don't love you become suicidal when they think about telling me our marriage is over. Doesn't that show that is is some kind of deep caring or love there?

 

He says, even though I don't believe him, that he really did love me in the beginning. I feel he has no sense of loyalty or commitment.

 

I really need some help, I just don't know what to do anymore. My head is spinning, I can't collect my thoughts, can't think straight, can't sleep, can't eat, having trouble working and staying "together". I'm desperate, please someone out there help me.....

[Miss_Behavin143]

I think I just explained to you that I've heard of a man just falling out of love with you so quickly. I'm living proof of that.

I don't know how to help you though, but tell you it will get better if you just hang in there and that the first month or so is the worst.

[boshemia]

I'm not sure if this will help or not... but check out "Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage" by Michele Weiner-Davis. She has a whole series of books called Divorce busters, and her website has some pretty incredible success stories. I just orderd the books and I will try to post in a few weeks after I've had some time to read through them. Maybe a few of you could check them out of the library and read them with me??? We can put it to the ultimate test?

[Mr Spock]

Could it also be that your illness is too much for him? He may be scared of how dependant you are-some people just aren't cut out to be caretakers. He may realize now that you are both living together how serious your condition can be and wants no part of it now.......

[GIZMO]

I am very sorry you are going though all of this..

I once where you are at now.. My ex of 7 years told me that he fell out of love with me as well.. To make it worse he left me for another woman..

I know it is hard, trust me when I say that I really do understand what you are dealing with.. But..

I promise you it does get better.. Give your guy space right now.. Maybe write him a letter telling him how you feel about your relationship.. Good and bad things.. That way no matter what way your relationship turns you will know that you did everything you could to save it..

After you give him the letter leave the house for a few days... Just so he does have time and space...

If you and him are meant to be together things will work out, if you guys are not meant to be together.. well then maybe you guys will always be good friends.

I do not mean to sound so blunt, but don't be with someone if that person does not want you the same way.. It will not be fair to you, and it will make you feel so cheap ( meaning, that you will be very in succure ) and that is not fair to you..

You sound like a great person, and I promise you, that you will get past this, no matter what direction this goes..

 

Gizmo